Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Analysts say that one quarter of the casinos in Atlantic City could close this year. The worst part is that even the casinos didn’t know the odds of that happening.

Advocates say that hunger in New York City is reaching crisis levels. Apparently some Wall Street executives are saying they having to wait as long as three hours for their  lobster and caviar lunch to be served to their exact specifications.

GM has recalled 7.6 Million more vehicles for ignition problems. GM executives are saying the company’s real ignition problem is that they wish they could ignite all the warranties that say they have to fix all their engineering defects.

48 people were stranded four hours on a ride at Sea World in San Diego. One victim had to be taken to the hospital for anxiety and hyperventilation. Usually that only happens when people see how much they have to pay for admission for a family of four.

48 people were stranded four hours on a ride at Sea World in San Diego. The people who were stuck waiting in line behind them were upset in that if they knew they were going to wait four hours for a ride they would have gone to Disneyland.

48 people were stranded four hours on a ride at Sea World in San Diego. Victims weren’t too upset because sitting in a cramped vehicle for four hours just prepared them for the ride home on the 405 Freeway.

A report says that crime is rampant at the World Cup in Brazil with reports of robberies and assaults of spectators becoming common. Which makes any fans from the U.S. feel right at home as if they were going to a Raiders game.

A report says that crime is rampant at the World Cup in Brazil with reports of robberies and assaults of spectators becoming common. The amazing part is how criminals are in the spirit of the games and even the pickpockets are working without using their hands.

Thousands of bags were reported missing from a British Airways flight over the weekend. One passenger says their luggage was gone for 53 hours. Or as United passengers call 53 hours, a connecting flight.

Thousands of bags were reported missing from a British Airways flight over the weekend. Airlines in the U.S. don’t lose luggage anymore now that they are actually charging more money for baggage than they are for passengers’ tickets.

A report says that 600,000 Chinese die every year from working too hard. Politicians and business leaders in the U.S. are now trying to take credit for saving American lives by being the ones who sent all those jobs over to China from here in the first place.

A New Jersey woman is suing her company that wouldn’t let her change her hours because of her stressful commute. That’s nothing compared to all the companies with employees who commute across the George Washington Bridge who haven’t been seen since the start of the Christie Administration.

Facebook admits to tinkering with the emotions of users by manipulating their newsfeeds, subjecting some people to more positive and others to more negative posts. The sad part is that some people’s emotions are tied to pictures of what others are eating for breakfast.

A rottweiler in Wisconsin coughed up a woman’s wedding ring that had been missing for six years. Which now gives the owner an idea of what happened to his wife he hasn’t seen for six years.

A Pennsylvania woman was injured when her laptop exploded while she was using it. Microsoft is using the accident to push its products, saying she could have avoided injury by using Windows 8 as she would still be waiting for it to boot up.

Rob Ford has returned to work as Mayor of Toronto following rehab, saying he is “ashamed, embarrassed and humiliated.” Apparently his time in rehab was spent looking up “Rob Ford” videos on Youtube.

Rob Ford has returned to work as Mayor of Toronto following rehab, saying he is “ashamed, embarrassed and humiliated.” With an attitude like that he has shown that Canadian politicians wouldn’t stand a chance holding public office in the U.S.

A report says that Chicago is the top market for sales for vinyl records. Which means it is also the top market for hearing aids , dentures and eyeglasses that are needed by people who are old enough to know what vinyl records are.

A report says that Chicago is the top market for sales for vinyl records. The hard part is finding any record stores online since the people who shop there have no idea what a website is.

A book says that half the nation’s malls will go out of business in the next 20 years. What’s worse is that the author is so convinced that the book can only be found on Amazon and not at Barnes & Noble or Books-A-Million.

A book says that half the nation’s malls will go out of business in the next 20 years. By then you will know you are old when you start telling people about the days of going to play video games at the mall arcade.

Kim Kardashian has made a reported $28 Million in the past year. Her down years are limited to the few where she doesn’t have a wedding to generate income from the endorsements, video and pictures.

Southwest Airlines has announced their first international flights. Other than the ones where their pilots have a little too much to drink and the plane winds up in Costa Rica.

Southwest Airlines has announced their first international flights which will go to Aruba, Jamaica and the Bahamas. Who is scheduling their itinerary, the Beach Boys?

Yosemite is celebrating 150 years as a National Park. To which most visitors are wondering how they built it back in the 1800s with such primitive construction equipment in those days.

A study says that middle schoolers who sext are linked to risky behavior. Like texting naked pictures of themselves.

A study says that older people are often overtreated for diabetes which can result in vision loss, depression and dementia. The only problem is at that point their caregivers think they are back to normal.

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of Hobby Lobby that privately held businesses don’t have to pay for birth control for their employees. Apparently the store wanted to discourage their workers from doing their hobby in the lobby.

A study says that eating too much sugar, salt and fat may be ruining our immune systems. Which is no big deal since diabetes and heart disease will kill off most people way before any cold, flu or infection can do them in.

A study says that a sperm donor’s age doesn’t affect their fertility. Which still gives hope to women who are hoping for little Larry King, Michael Douglas or David Crosby juniors.

A doctors’ organization says that pelvic exams are not needed as they don’t do much good and also cause embarrassment, fear, anxiety, pain and discomfort. If a woman wants to go through all that she could just stay at home and have sex with her husband.

Lionel Richie’s name was misspelled at the BET Awards where he was given a lifetime achievement nod. The sad part was that most people thought he was just there as Nicole’s designated driver.

Kelly Osbourne tweeted an apology to her parents after getting a tattoo on her scalp. As opposed to Ozzy who has his address tattooed on his arm to he can get a cab driver to take him back home.

Kelly Osbourne tweeted an apology to her parents after getting a tattoo on her scalp. People were shocked. Ozzy knows how to use Twitter?

Joe Manganiello has been picked as People Magazine’s Hottest Bachelor. The good new for People Magazine is that any men in Hollywood who get married and are off the bachelors' list are usually eligible again by the next year.

Joe Manganiello has been picked as People Magazine’s Hottest Bachelor. He will probably stay a bachelor as what woman would ever want to take on trying to spell that last name?

Beyonce has topped Forbes list of the most powerful celebrity. The only question is how does Superman ever lose his place at number one?

Beyonce has topped Forbes list of the most powerful celebrity. LeBron James came in at number two. He would have come in first but cramped up right when the tabulations came in.

A judge in New York has dismissed the bong throwing case against Amanda Bynes. Apparently the judge compared it with her other recent behaviors and determined that was actually about the most normal thing she has done lately.

Robin Thicke apologized publicly to his wife at the BET Awards. Apparently he wants her to know he is so contrite he is willing to risk his life for her by showing up at the BET Awards.

Chris Brown has reportedly rejected a reality show based on his life after jail. Most people think that would be a great idea for a show, and are willing to wait the thirty years  they think he should be spending behind bars.

Chris Brown has reportedly rejected a reality show based on his life after jail. Why would anyone pay for that when they can get all the fights, arrests and controversy they need by just following him with a camera down the street?

Robert Downey, Jr.’s 20 year old son has been arrested on drug charges. It’s nice to see these young Hollywood kids haven’t given up on following in their dads’ footsteps.

Elton John says that Jesus would support gay marriage. Jesus would also like to ask him what in the world “I Feel Like A Bullet In The Gun Of Robert Ford” is supposed to mean?

A report says LeBron James wants the maximum salary next year which could be as much as $22 Million. For that much money along with all the explaining about why his team couldn’t start up for the NBA Finals he should instead apply to be the CEO at GM.

Houston Astros officials are reportedly furious that trade discussions were leaked online after being hacked. Although they are nowhere near as mad as the players who found out their teams were considering trading them to the Astros.

The University of Miami says an investigation shows there is no evidence a former coach supplied the team with PEDs. The most overwhelming evidence was the team losing to Louisville 36-9 in the Russell Athletic Bowl.

A study says that company executives do the most browsing on Facebook while at work. Mostly looking to see the pictures their employees posted of what they ate for lunch to see why it kept them out of the office for three hours.

A study says that company executives do the most browsing on Facebook while at work. Mostly to read all the employees’ posts that say how much they hate their job and their bosses.

A study says that one in ten pet owners say that their animal destroyed at least one electronic gadget. Mostly their piano playing cats and cracker eating hamsters who are angry their videos were posted without their permission on Youtube.

Facebook has admitted to manipulating newsfeeds to tinker with users’ emotions by showing more negative or positive posts. As opposed to the rest of the users who are stuck with just boring posts about their friends’ pets, meals and vacations.

An experiment says that injecting organs with antifreeze could store them for days and make for many more successful transplants. Which means that Keith Richards and Ozzy Osbourne’s livers could have a longer shelf life than Twinkies.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers are back in first place. Enough said.  I’m good to go. The only thing that could possibly be better is if you all remembered to send the love!

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