Friday, June 06, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A California bill would require verbal or written consent before any sex that takes place on college campuses. Which really puts student athletes in a bind as they will have to show that they actually know how to write.

A California bill would require verbal or written consent before any sex that takes place on college campuses. Fortunately for high school teachers, they won’t have the same requirement when having sex with their students as most of them are not adults and can’t legally give consent.

Several cheerleaders at Towson University in Maryland were suspended for drinking alcohol and dancing around wearing adult diapers. Or as that is called in Congress, Saturday night.

Economist Thomas Piketty’s 685 page book “Capital” says inequality in the U.S. is reaching “spectacular heights.” Fortunately for the wealthy, most people can’t afford the book’s $40 price tag to read about how bad they have it.

An analysis says that Bill Gates has enough money to buy the city of Boston. Which shows that it’s better to be a company founder than CEO as former Microsoft chief Steve Ballmer only has enough money to afford to buy the Clippers.

Filmmaker Dinesh D’Souza says that Americans are being prepared for a political and financial shakedown. Which asks the question where has he been the past ten years?

A new reality show will film women giving birth in the wild with no help from any doctors. The series has a working title of “HMO.”

A study says the sperm of marijuana smokers swim poorly. Which isn’t that bad of news because who wants the world repopulated by a bunch of stoners anyway?

A study says the sperm of marijuana smokers swim poorly. Although that theory may be disputed by the fact that Michael Phelps smokes pot and that hasn’t gotten in the way of him winning 22 Olympic medals in the pool.

Disorganization is being blamed for a week long outage of the Interior Department website. Apparently it crashed when someone accidentally tried to log in to the Interior Department website.

Disorganization is being blamed for a week long outage of the Interior Department website. At least we know what happened to the group of technicians who designed the Obamacare website.

A report says Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi may join the list of world leaders who don’t speak English in public. The most visible leader who made that list in recent years was George W. Bush.

2,000 people in Nepal are claiming a record for hugging trees. It was the largest tree hugging ever, at least by people who didn’t drive up in a Prius wearing Birkenstock sandals while finishing a bowl of granola.

A flower that blooms once a century is getting ready to blossom in California. And who said being a botanist wasn’t an exciting career choice?

A flower that blooms once a century is getting ready to blossom in California. The last time it bloomed it was pinned as a corsage by Larry King on his high school prom date.

A survey by the New York Federal Reserve says that most people don’t understand the ramifications of taking on college student loans. What’s to understand, other than you go $100,000 in debt to pay for a degree that gets your child a minimum wage job?

A panel says that a brain mapping project may cost the U.S. $4.5 Billion. The first brain to be examined should be the one of the person who approved spending $4.5 Billion on the project.

AOL says it is altering how it matches 401(k) contributions, blaming it on Obamacare. Which is ironic in that anyone trying to use AOL’s slow Internet connection speed to access the Obamacare website has been sitting at their computer with no luck for the past two years.

A report says that 16% of stay at home parents are dads. That means another 16% are moms with the other 68% of parents in charge being an iPad, video console or laptop.

Home depot is starting to sell consumer basics like toilet paper. Which hopefully is still being considered as a do-it-yourself project.

Home depot is starting to sell consumer basics like toilet paper. Which goes along with all the money people are throwing down the toilet with all their unfinished home improvement projects.

Senator Elizabeth Warren wants to allow people to refinance their college tuition loans. Mostly because they can refinance their homes, and they are only paying those loans off for 30 years.

U.S. household wealth has risen to a record high of $81.8 Trillion. The bad part is that $81.7 Trillion of that is the households of Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Mark Zuckerberg.

GM has fired 15 people over its recent recall failures. Actually, they are just being laid off and are hoping that soon they will be recalled.

A report says that 13% of uninsured people will be paying the Obamacare penalty. The other 87% will escape the tax by dying from not being able to get any health care.

A survey says that most grandparents want to fund the college expenses of their grandchildren. Meaning they will sign on for the tuition loans knowing they will be dead long before those payments are due.

A study says that high blood pressure may impact people’s memory. Which is good because remembering how much they had to pay for their blood pressure medications is what causes their blood pressure to soar in the first place.

A study says the suicide rate peaks between 2:00 and 3:00 AM. Mostly because of people who can’t sleep and just want to end it all after flipping through 500 channels of nothing but infomercials.

A study says that weight gain from antidepressants is minimal. Which is good news for people who are depressed from being constantly overweight.

The U.S. drug czar says that marijuana is not harmless, and that 9% of people who try it will become addicted. The other 91% are safe because they prefer their current addiction to alcohol, prescription pills and cigarettes.

Researchers say that legalizing marijuana will make American kids even stupider. To which their teachers are saying “Is that even possible?”

Researchers say that legalizing marijuana will make American kids even stupider. To which other researchers are saying the first group of researchers must be smoking pot or else they would have used the term “more stupid.”

A study says that birth control is working as a teen acne treatment. Which is ironic because when the teenagers lose their severe acne is the time that they are most likely to be at risk to become pregnant.

Anna Berger, an actress who primarily played older women has died at 91. The reason she played older women is that by the time film was even invented she was already pretty much a senior.

Kim Kardashian’s half sister Kendall Jenner has posed topless for a magazine. Or as that is known in the Kardashian family, a trailer for her upcoming sex tape.

Kris Jenner says that Kanye West is the “best dad in the world.” Which is pretty remarkable considering he has one child who isn’t even a year old yet.

Kris Jenner says that Kanye West is the “best dad in the world.” Apparently he is very gifted at hiring only the best team of nannies available to raise his child.

Gwyneth Paltrow in an interview says that mean words hurt the feelings of water. If that’s true, just imagine how depressed the Gulf of Mexico is after BP dumped 200 Million gallons of oil on it.

The NFL is dropping the Roman Numeral “L” in favor of the Arabic “50” for the 2016 Super Bowl. Mostly because they want to save the L for its more traditional use to identify the game’s losing team.

A report says that Kim Kardashian is taking Kanye West’s name. The  after their marriage breaks up in a couple of months she will try and take most of his money.

L.A. Kings owner Philip Anschutz says he may sell the team after the NHL Finals. Sports experts were shocked. No one had any idea he had made any racial slurs.

Tickets for the upcoming U.S. Open golf tournament are selling at about a third of what they were going for last year’s Open. Apparently there just isn’t the intrigue when Tiger Woods is playing and the gallery senses that Elin Nordegren is somewhere on the course stalking him with a 9 iron.

Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay had his driver’s license suspended for a year following a DUI. But he gets to keep his team, which is the difference between slurring your speech and speaking in slurs.

The San Antonio Spurs are selling a special “3 Pointer” sandwich in the finals which is made up of three barbecued meats, three cheeses, onions and sauce on Texas Toast. Otherwise known in Texas as “breakfast.”

The San Antonio Spurs are selling a special “3 Pointer” sandwich in the finals which is made up of three barbecued meats, three cheeses, onions and sauce on Texas Toast. It is also being sold as a combination plate with fries, a soft drink and CPR trained paramedic.

A group of mathematicians is urging their colleagues to not go to work for the NSA. Although let’s face it, listening in to other people’s private conversations is way better than the idea of teaching remedial algebra to a bunch of future high school dropouts.

Researchers say that drivers only want apps for their car that work just as well as the ones on their smartphones. The one that interests them the most is the app that automatically calls 911 after they crash into a tree while texting behind the wheel.

The Beastie Boys won a $1.7 Million copyright lawsuit against Monster Beverage for using their music without permission. They knew it was done without permission because no one has actually requested a Beastie Boys tune since 1987.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NBA Finals have begun. Yeah, I don’t care either. But the good news for basketball fans is that once they are over it will be just another two weeks before the new season starts. I know that as far as joke writing goes, I fouled out years ago. But I keep trying, knowing that at least some of you will go to the line to take a free shot at sending the love!

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