Wednesday, June 04, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Police in Ohio are looking for a man who started a brawl at a kindergarten graduation party. The question is how violent is he going to be when his kid graduates college and he realizes he has to take on $100,000 in tuition loans?

A Florida judge is being accused of punching a lawyer. Which shows that while justice may not always be blind, sometimes it sports a black eye.

A Florida judge is being accused of punching a lawyer. Legal experts were shocked. What are the odds of a fight breaking out in Florida where at least one of the combatants doesn’t use a gun?

A report says anarchists in Brazil are planning to smash cars, fight police and start fires at the upcoming World Cup. To which Scottish soccer hooligans coming over for the competition are saying “Amateurs!”

The Census Bureau says that one out of five American children live in poverty. Which at least gives the other four hope that if they get an education and work hard, someday they might make it up to that level of lifestyle.

A condo for sale in Manhattan is being priced at $110 Million. Apparently it is one of the few properties in the city with a view that doesn’t include any signs or buildings that say “Trump.”

A condo for sale in Manhattan is being priced at $110 Million. It’s located in the historic Woolworth Building. It’s being sold because the last owner says the cost of maintaining it was causing them to be nickel and dimed.

A condo for sale in Manhattan is being priced at $110 Million. Not only that, but the additional HOA fee covers the cost of hiring Rudy Giuliani to work as the doorman.

A report says that more than half of all Americans have had to make a major sacrifice to be able to pay their rent or mortgage. That sacrifice being the other home they were trying to buy that was foreclosed because they couldn’t pay off their subprime loan.

A study says that exposure to blue light from electronic devices is linked to a bigger appetite. Which is ironic for anyone who is using their laptop to watch a DVD of “The Hunger Games.”

Scientists say they are baffled by a recent increase in the number of earthquakes around the L.A. area. Which usually means they have just moved to L.A.

The Prime Minister of Turkey is calling a CNN reporter an “agent” for his coverage of anti-government protests. People were surprised. CNN is covering something other than the missing Malaysia Airline flight?

The Prime Minister of Turkey is calling a CNN reporter an “agent” for his coverage of anti-government protests. The only agent involved is the reporter’s agent who has to answer to his client why they can’t get a better job than working in Turkey for CNN?

A company in Washington State is introducing marijuana-infused coffee. The caffeine gives just enough of a boost for stoners to be able to reach over and hit the snooze button another ten times in the morning.

A company in Washington State is introducing marijuana-infused coffee. If that combination were to make it to Dunkin’ Donuts, serving coffee that gives people the munchies would make the guy who started the company the next Steve Jobs.

A report blames extra-marital affairs on global warming. Mostly because the idea of the planet getting hotter makes people look more attractive by trying to keep their bodies in bathing suit shape the entire year.

Pope Francis I tells married couples not to substitute dogs and cats for having children. Without lots of kids coming into the Church, how will they be able to build up the already dwindling number of priests?

A Florida man called 911 to report his wife had thrown out his beer. Which shows that if guns and alcohol were banned from Florida, police would have less to do than the Maytag repairman.

An auction of the skulls of Civil War soldiers was canceled because of protests. The sad part is that the skulls were finally next on the list to be seen by a VA doctor.

A report says that Spaniards are divided on the question of whether the country needs a monarchy. Although it was nice to be able to point to at least one person in the country who had a job and a comfortable lifestyle.

A report says that Spaniards are divided on the question of whether the country needs a monarchy. Although with Rafael Nadal after another French Open and the World Cup starting in a few days, the Royal Family can pretty much do anything they want for the next few weeks and no one will even notice.

Jonah Hill has apologized for using a slur against gays. Although people are still really waiting for his apology for appearing in “21 Jump Street.”

70 years ago D-Day was made possible by a meteorologist whose forecast gave the go-ahead for the operation. Unfortunately no one listened to the forecast for the war in Iraq that called for “scattered billions of dollars wasted with a zero percent chance of victory.”

The FBI is offering $10,000 rewards to stop laser beam attacks on airplane pilots. To which the airlines reacted by starting to charge a new $10 laser attack fee.

A lawsuit claiming that Led Zeppelin stole the guitar intro to “Stairway To Heaven” is demanding Jimmy Page turn over all his cassette tapes. The only problem would be finding a cassette deck that still actually works to be able to play them.

A report says the size of new U.S. homes is ballooning. Just like the interest payments on the subprime mortgages on people’s previous homes that caused them to go into foreclosure.

A report says the size of new U.S. homes is ballooning. Mostly to make them accessible to the ballooning size of the Americans who are buying them.

A study says the norovirus sickens 20 Million Americans on land each year. Usually right after they disembark a Carnival Cruise ship.

A study says the norovirus sickens 20 Million Americans on land each year. After they get sick if they go to a Hometown Buffet and then get stuck in traffic for a few hours they have had the same experiences of being on a cruise ship for free.

An Iowa egg farm has agreed to pay a $6.8 Million fine after their eggs sickened thousands of people. How were they to know they were going to be used in the new Taco Bell breakfast burritos?

Past winners of the auction to have lunch with Warren Buffett say it was a “life changing experience.” Mostly knowing they would be working the rest of their lives to make back the million dollars they paid to have lunch with Warren Buffett.

U.S. auto sales hit a nine year high in May. Mostly people buying replacement cars while they waited for the other new cars they bought to come back from being recalled.

74 deaths are being linked to the faulty GM ignition switch. People are up in arms over that, but don’t blink at the fact that thousands have been killed because they couldn’t put their cellphone down while driving.

Tickets to the NHL Finals at Madison Square Gardens are being sold for as much as $8,600. To which Yankees fans are saying that sounds about right if you include a hot dog and a beer.

Smokey Bear is getting a makeover as he turns 70 years old. For one thing, instead of saying “Only you can prevent forest fires” he now yells “You kids get off my lawn!”

The UAW is raising its dues 25%, the first increase since 1967. Which is ironically the last year that Detroit put out a car that had the same quality as foreign models.

The UAW is raising its dues 25%, the first increase since 1967. Union leaders are worried that charging too much could mean that GM autos aren’t the only things in Detroit that will be recalled.

AT&T says their purchase of DirecTV will cut programming costs by 20%. Which means they will only have to increase their customers’ fees by 80%.

The hosts of Fox & Friends on Fox News trashed the father of returning hostage Bowe Bergdahl, claiming his beard made him look like a member of the Taliban. Which was followed by a segment about the upstanding morals and Americans principals of the people on “Duck Dynasty.”

The hosts of Fox & Friends on Fox News trashed the father of returning hostage Bowe Bergdahl, claiming his beard made him look like a member of the Taliban. How bad is it going to get if we ever have to negotiate for the release of one of the children of ZZ Top?

A report says that Big Tobacco was planning on marijuana becoming legal and growing and selling it in the 1970s. Which, looking back shows that at least a few of the executives were also trying out a little of the experimental crops they were planting.

A study says that centenarians are less likely to die of chronic conditions that kill most other people. Mostly because once you hit 100 you still have a chance of dying from malaria, pertussis and consumption.

A study pinpoints when people are most likely to commit suicide. For many that is pretty much the moment when they hit the pavement.

A study says that only 1% of all cases of norovirus are contracted on cruise ships. The other 99% are the people who eat more than one meal a week at Taco Bell.

Alexander Shulgin, known as the “Father of ecstasy” has died at age 88. What people don’t know is that he gave up taking ecstasy years ago and only kept a pacifier in his mouth because it gave him something to do with his gums.

Kim Kardashian is reportedly back in Los Angeles following her honeymoon with Kanye West. The only people not happy for them are the ones at this point who had less than double digits for the number of days in the divorce pool.

A study says that 96% of Americans don’t want to read about celebrities plugging products. Mostly because they are used to celebrities promoting just one thing. Themselves.

A new reality show features people who claim to have slept with celebrities. Which, if Charlie Sheen is considered a celebrity pretty much means everyone.

A new reality show features people who claim to have slept with celebrities. The first four seasons are pretty much already booked up with the people who have slept with Lindsay Lohan.

Alabama football coach Nick Saban has had his contract extended through 2022. That means if he sticks it out, he could be around to actually see some of the members on this year’s team graduate.

Dan Marino has pulled out of a lawsuit over concussions sustained by players in the NFL. Apparently he was going to go through with it until he forgot what he was suing about.

A study says that 24% of Americans say they have stopped shopping online because of security breaches. The other 76% are still doing business online because of the Nigerian prince who has informed them that they have won the lottery.

Vertu has introduced a new smartphone that costs $10,750. The first sign that it is a smartphone is that it is obviously much smarter than the person who plunks down more than ten thousand dollars for a phone.

Vertu has introduced a new smartphone that costs $10,750. Or as it will be known as when someone signs on with AT&T as their wireless provider, a ten thousand dollar paperweight.

NBC News President Deborah Turness says that Brian Williams’ interview with NSA leak informant Edward Snowden was the “Greatest scoop of recent time.” Mostly because they are still working on pinning down Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian and any of the family members from “Duck Dynasty.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog. If you have made it this far, you have my respect for your incredible tolerance to pain. I do this as a public service, which unfortunately doesn’t count as any time off on the public service I was ordered to perform by the court. All I ever ask is that you perform the service of sending the love!

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