Tuesday, June 03, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says that a third of all 18-34 year old Americans live with their parents. The other two thirds are lucky enough to have gotten married and live with their in-laws.

A report says that a third of all 18-34 year old Americans live with their parents. Once they get on their feet and make enough money to move out, they will have to move back in to take care of their parents who won’t be able to afford a retirement home.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has reportedly lost 85 pounds. Mostly from sweating out the hearings on Bridgegate.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has reportedly lost 85 pounds. Apparently he is trying to get his waist size down to the exact width of the doors in the White House.

A report says that fixed soccer matches are casting a shadow on the upcoming World Cup. The question is, how can you tell a game has been fixed if no one ever scores any goals?

A Post Office worker in Maryland is being accused of stealing 20,000 pieces of mail. No one on his route had been complaining about not receiving anything they were expecting because it had only been taken over the past four years.

A Chinese man suffered a detached retina after reportedly sending his girlfriend thousands of text messages in the dark. The detached retina happened after his wife hit him in the back of the head after finding him texting in the dark.

King Juan Carlos of Spain says he will abdicate the throne in favor of his son taking the crown. People were shocked. Spain has a king?

Miley Cyrus’ California home was reportedly robbed of jewelry and a Maserati. That’s what happens when you give a copy of your house key to Lindsay Lohan.

A locust infestation has become so intense around Albuquerque, New Mexico that swarms of the insects are showing up on National Weather Service radar. Not only that, the Weather Service forecast now calls for a 20% chance of plague, boils and water turning into blood.

Authorities have confiscated $3 Million worth of stolen shoes from a house in Kentucky. Apparently they had trouble getting rid of them because no one in Kentucky had actually ever seen shoes before.

Authorities have confiscated $3 Million worth of stolen Nike sneakers from a house in Kentucky. That means there could have been as many as eight pairs of shoes involved.

Google says it is planning to spend $1 Billion to launch 180 satellites that will provide Internet access to unwired regions of the world. Otherwise known as AOL subscribers.

Google says it is planning to spend $1 Billion to launch 180 satellites that will provide Internet access to unwired regions of the world. Interestingly enough, the company got the instructions for the project and the cost estimate by looking it up on Google.

Canada has instructed its weather forecasters to stop talking about climate change. Mostly because government officials are afraid of widespread panic since half the population is in danger of spontaneous combustion if the temperature gets above 70.

Canada has instructed its weather forecasters to stop talking about climate change. Mostly because the last thing people want to think about is a bunch of Canadians walking around in shorts and tank tops.

France is experimenting with paying its people to ride their bicycles to work. Although the last time they tried that they created Lance Armstrong.

Experts say that humans could colonize space by sending DNA to planets that could create people with a 3D printer. The only problem would be paying the overtime to have an onsite tech along to turn the printer on and make sure there is enough toner.

Experts say that humans could colonize space by sending DNA to planets that could create people with a 3D printer. So far the only time that printers have been matched with human DNA successfully is when office interns make copies of their butts.

Shirley MacLaine told a graduating class at the New Mexico School for the Arts to live their life as if it is show business. Which is how most college graduates live their life, waiting tables while waiting for that big break for a career in the bright lights of middle management.

A study says learning a second language can slow the brain’s aging process. Although that is a tall order when you figure that most people can’t even pass high school English.

Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks are making plans to enter the fast food lunch competition. Which is not that big of a deal since most Americans are fine with the idea of coffee, doughnuts and pastries for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

A dog in Massachusetts jumped into its owners Dodge Neon and knocked the gear shift into “drive”, sending the car into a pond and totaling it. The only question is how does anyone tell when a Dodge Neon is totaled?

Muslims in Malaysia were urged to not eat Cadbury chocolates after the government said they found traces of pork in the sweets. It seems that Cadbury has discovered that nothing enhances the taste of chocolate more than a little hint of pigs’ knuckles and jowls and the taste of bacon.

Joe Biden is set to attend the inauguration of the new President of the Ukraine. Mostly because he knows it will be the closest he will ever get to being on stage at another presidential inauguration.

Joe Biden is set to attend the inauguration of the new President of the Ukraine. The only problem will be making a precedent of attending when the Ukraine government is overthrown and they are looking for a new president in another couple of weeks.

Casey Kasem’s wife Jean was caught on camera throwing a package of hamburger meat at Kasem’s daughter when she tried to get him some medical attention. Jean Kasem denied the meat was intended as a weapon, instead referring it to more of a “Scooby snack.”

A study says that hurricanes with female names are deadlier than those with men’s names. The only solution is to start naming them all Pat, Kim and Chris.

An airlines group is marking 100 years of commercial flight. Or as JetBlue calls 100 years of completing flights, a pretty good decade.

An airlines group is marking 100 years of commercial flight. The occasion is already being celebrated by carriers handing out bags of inflight peanuts that have been sitting around since 1914.

Cash deals on homes have reached an all-time high with Baby Boomers reaching retirement age. Mostly because homes have reached all all-time low in pricing because of the other Baby Boomers that tried to buy their home using a subprime mortgage.

The FAA is considering allowing drones to be used in making movies. Until now the only time drones were ever used in movie production was for any feature that starred Adam Sandler.

A study says that one in eight U.S. children are at risk of neglect or abuse by age 18. The other seven have to wait until they actually are old enough to enter the work force.

Some funeral homes are offering professional pallbearers who dance and march caskets to the grave. Mostly they are professional weightlifters who are the only ones strong enough to lift the caskets of Americans who die from being morbidly obese.

A study says that the risk of death following surgery is highest on weekends, afternoons and during February. Apparently doctors want to get done early to mow the lawn on weekends, play golf in the afternoon and overbook in February to get enough patients in to pay the bills during the short month.

Scientists say they have been able to erase and restore the memories in rats. Which is good since it would be a shame to lose the ability to recall all those great moments of eating cheese along with spreading filth and disease.

Scientists say they have been able to erase and restore the memories in rats. If they could only do that to O.J. Simpson to get him to finally stick to one story of what actually happened.

Scientists say they are working on a breath test that can detect lung cancer. They know they may have a positive reading when the person is still blowing smoke out of their lungs two hours after their last cigarette.

Scientists say they are working on a breath test that can detect lung cancer. They know they may have a positive reading when they ask a patient to blow hard and they expel their left lung.

A 10 year old Virginia boy set a record for his age group in running a half marathon. The fact that he finished a 15 mile race eclipsed the old distance record for a 10 year old boy of getting off the couch and walking to the refrigerator and back.

Scientists have identified the “blonde gene” in humans. The only problem was in trying to do follow up tests in the people with the gene who kept getting lost trying to find their way to the lab.

A study says that no nation has lowered their obesity rate in the past 33 years. Although that also includes Ethiopia where people are considered obese if you can see three ribs or less.

The FDA has approved the first device for treating restless leg syndrome. It’s called a “bed restraint.”

The FDA has approved the first device for treating restless leg syndrome. Mostly because being hit in the head by your partner while they are trying to sleep did not qualify as being a treatment.

Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl says his hug with Courtney Love at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony was “beautiful.” But only because he was wearing a suit that had been dipped in Purell.

An American tour of “Jesus Christ Superstar” featuring former Sex Pistols singer John Lydon has been cancelled. Apparently Lydon kept asking Jesus to find out if his dad ever did save the Queen.

Lauren Tewes, who played the cruise director on “The Love Boat” says the show was all about “free sex.” Which is completely different from the cruise industry today which is all about making it back to port without being set aimlessly adrift for weeks while trying to recover from the norovirus.

Lauren Tewes, who played the cruise director on “The Love Boat” says the show was all about “free sex.” Now it’s all about seven days at sea waiting in line for free food in the next buffet line.

Justin Bieber has apologized for using a racial slur on camera when he was 15. To which Donald Sterling told him that in the next 70 years it doesn’t get any easier.

Justin Bieber has apologized for using a racial slur on camera when he was 15. Apparently he is already practicing for his next career move in running for Mayor of Toronto.

Dan Marino is the latest player to sue the NFL over the effects of concussions. His evidence is the fact that he allowed himself to be filmed as a spokesman for NutriSystem.

Apple may finally give the green light to allow apps that use Bitcoins in transactions. Apparently the idea that there were millions of dollars out in the cyber world that they hadn’t gotten their hands on yet was too much to pass up.

A 91 year old North Carolina woman set a record by running a marathon in just over seven hours. Apparently her motivation was to get to the Carrow’s at the finish line in time for the early bird special.

A 91 year old North Carolina woman set a record by running a marathon in just over seven hours. She broke the old record of eight hours, three days, six months and two years.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Celebrating my 34th year in broadcasting, which began on June 2, 1980 at KDGO radio in Durango, Colorado. My boss told me then that I wasn’t funny and as you all know, he was right. All my friends I started out with left the business long ago for other ventures. There is a word for those people. Successful. But  there is no better success than when all of you remember to keep sending the love!

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