Sunday, June 29, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Matt Drudge gave an interview where he said the news business has become  “psychotic.” Which is pretty much the only way to explain how anyone considers the Drudge Report a legitimate news site.

Student leaders at UNLV are asking Hillary Clinton to return her “outrageous” $225,000 fee for a speech she is set to give in October. If the students think that is a ripoff, just wait until they try and get a job with the UNLV degree that cost them $100,000.

A food truck with marijuana infused sandwiches is making the rounds in Washington state. Their business model combines getting high with the munchies by just cutting out the middle man.

A food truck with marijuana infused sandwiches is making the rounds in Washington state. The only problem is nearby employers realizing that their workers are now starting to take a four hour lunch break.

Police in Washington, D.C. are having to work overtime to combat the increase in summer crime. Just think how much criminal activity there would be in the city if Congress didn’t recess for the entire month of August.

A drone was spotted flying over a baseball game between the Pirates and the Mets. Apparently whomever owned the drone was looking for a game where there was no chance the drone would actually be hit by a batted ball.

A report says that climate change may be a factor in the destabilization of Iraq. Which is an interesting theory since it has been unbearably hot and politically unstable there for the past 5,000 years.

A report says that climate change may be a factor in the destabilization of Iraq. That may not be true. If it gets any hotter there, no one will be able to stay outside long enough to fight anyone else anyway.

A study says that all employment growth in the U.S. since 2000 has been with immigrants. Mostly because they have all gone back home where there is a better chance of getting a job than here.

The Pentagon says that two thirds of All American youth wouldn’t qualify for the service because of physical, behavioral or educational shortcomings. Which means the only way the other one third can avoid joining the military is by having wealthy and influential parents.

The Pentagon says that two thirds of All American youth wouldn’t qualify for the service because of physical, behavioral or educational shortcomings. Which is scoffed at by elderly pacifists who say things were tougher in their day when the only way to avoid the service was to pretend to be gay.

A report says that Facebook has been conducting secret psychological experiments by manipulating users’ newsfeeds to monitor their emotions. The only question is how emotional can you get about seeing what everyone is eating for breakfast and lunch?

A report says that Facebook has been conducting secret psychological experiments by manipulating users’ newsfeeds to monitor their emotions. A better psychological experiment would be to figure out why people spend 8 hours a day wasting their time looking at their friends’ mindless thoughts on Facebook.

GM is recalling a half million more vehicles, making for 20 Million recalls this year. That is just short of the 22 Million recalls by all automakers last year. The only good news is that GM  has made so many lemons they can now qualify for government assistance from the Department of Agriculture by reclassifying themselves as a citrus producer.

Pope Francis I has returned to his duties amid health concerns. His wellbeing has been an issue ever since he threatened to excommunicate all members of the Mafia.

Air Force Secretary Deborah Lee Jones became violently ill while flying with the Thunderbirds aerial acrobatic team. Unfortunately she didn’t take the advice on preparing for the wild pitches and rolls by booking a couple of flights ahead of time on Southwest Airlines.

The Communist Party in China is pushing the “China Dream” which calls for prosperity and wellbeing. Which is a tough sell for anyone walking out of their Nike factory job to walk home in the smog to a pesticide and sewage laced dinner.

The Communist Party in China is pushing the “China Dream” which calls for prosperity and wellbeing. Mostly by saving their money and coming to the U.S. to buy the cheap foreclosed homes that used to be a part of the American Dream.

Two Ryanair jets collided on the ground at a London airport. Aviation experts were surprised. Ryanair has more than one plane?

Feds are probing Nissan cars for unwanted acceleration. As opposed their investigation of Chryslers looking for any acceleration.

The FDA has approved an inhaled form of insulin. Which would be perfect for people who have Type II Diabetes from inhaling all their food.

The Miss Florida crown was accidentally given to the wrong contestant because of a “tabulation error.” The first runner up was awarded the title as pageant rules called for in the event the winner could not fulfill her obligations or the judges could not perform simple math.

The Miss Florida crown was accidentally given to the wrong contestant because of a “tabulation error.” The winner had to give back the scholarship money she won which will instead be used to pay for the judges to take some remedial math courses.

The Miss Florida crown was accidentally given to the wrong contestant because of a “tabulation error.” The former winner was going to be instead awarded the title of Miss Congeniality except the judges didn’t know how to spell it.

New York prosecutors cracking down on disability fraud used data from nearly 400 Facebook accounts. Apparently they figured that only someone who is truly disabled would be logged on to Facebook for 8 hours a day looking at pictures of what people ate for breakfast.

The World Cup has set a record for online streaming. Apparently every four years people just need to take a break from all the excitement of watching videos of cats playing the piano and hamsters eating a cracker.

BP estimates there are 53.3 years worth of oil left in the world. That means just over five decades to go before there is a chance for peace to finally come to the Middle East.

BP estimates there are 53.3 years worth of oil left in the world. That means Dick Cheney’s hopes his transplanted heart can just last that long so he can live to see the day the last drop is pulled out of the ground.

BP estimates there are 53.3 years worth of oil left in the world. Which means in reality it will only last another 30 years when you factor out the oil they will spill into the Gulf of Mexico and other rivers and oceans.

A survey says that New York City is the most stressed city in the U.S. The only question is did they really need to do a survey to figure that one out?

The past weekend is reportedly the busiest weekend by average for house moving in the entire year. Apparently it coincided with the due date of the balloon payment for subprime mortgages taken out in 2007..

A former quality manager at GM says the “culture” at GM is to blame for the current crisis. Auto industry experts were surprised. It was the first time anyone has ever used the words “GM” and “culture” in the same sentence.

A former quality manager at GM says the “culture” at GM is to blame for the current crisis. Auto industry experts were surprised. GM has quality managers?

An analysis says there is a connection between how much people use the Internet and how often they end up in the ER. Especially when they are using the Internet and their wife sees they are sending a Facebook message to another woman.

A study says that treating gum disease is linked to improvements in other medical conditions. Although on the other hand, people with rotting gums usually don’t have to deal with other ailments like STDs.

The Wall Street Journal says the average American eats 23 sticks of butter each year. Which means that racist comments or not, if ever there was a time for a comeback by Paula Deen this is it.

The Wall Street Journal says the average American eats 23 sticks of butter each year. At least the ones who eat three meals or more a year at The Cheesecake Factory.

A researcher is trying to find out the last thing people see before they die. It turns out that for most people it is a sign saying “HMO check in.”

A British scientific group is advising that sugar consumption should be cut in half. Their findings show that doing away with that much sugar intake in the UK could save as many as three teeth.

New Jersey could be the first state to ban smoking on beaches and in parks. Apparently the state legislature feels it is disrespectful to flick ashes and discarded butts on the bodies that may be floating nearby.

New Jersey could be the first state to ban smoking on beaches and in parks. Which most New Jersey residents are saying is no big deal because they haven’t been to a beach or park since the invention of the tanning bed.

A study says that having facial hair increases the risk of people being burned while using home oxygen therapy. Mostly because home oxygen is only used by people who are old enough to think that facial hair is still in style.

A study says that people with a spouse who has a stroke and argue about the rate of recovery may see their own health suffer. Especially when the spouse who had the stroke gets tired of arguing and runs the other one over with their Rascal.

A study says that a mother who suffers grief during her pregnancy may have children who end up obese as adults. Especially when her grief is from the guilt from eating nothing but cake, ice cream and doughnuts while she was pregnant.

A woman who is eight months pregnant ran in the 800 meter run at the U.S. Track and Field Championships. Apparently she figured once she got to the half way point her belly would be able to beat everyone else across the finish line.

A woman who is eight months pregnant ran in the 800 meter run at the U.S. Track and Field Championships. It was obvious she had been training hard when right after the race she broke her water and it was Gatorade green.

Kim Kardashian is reportedly looking for a “private” New York residence. Hollywood insiders were shocked.  Since when did anyone in the Kardashian family learn about the concept of privacy?

“Beverly Hills Cop 4” has gotten a $13.5 Million rebate for filming in Detroit. The only question now will be for moviegoers who wonder when they will get a rebate after wasting $10 and two hours of their life to see “Beverly Hills Cop 4”?

Frank Sinatra’s first driver’s license has been sold at auction for $15,000. It is a significant piece of history because it was right after that the same license was given to a policeman for an ID check after Sinatra punched out his first photographer.

The Atlanta Braves Class A minor league team won back-to-back no-hitters. No one even knew that the San Diego Padres were playing some minor league exhibition games.

Luis Suarez told FIFA that his bites in the World Cup were not intentional. FIFA officials are concerned that players like Suarez will use biting tactics against teams that can’t retaliate, like the ones from England, Scotland and Ireland.

A study says a world shortage of cybersecurity workers will solve itself. Mostly when the hackers who are busted exchange a prison sentence to instead make big money helping companies learn how to protect against hackers like them.

A report says that only 43% of Brazilian homes have access to broadband Internet. The other 57% have no interest in getting online because even they are already tired of all the hype over the Brazilian World Cup matches.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tomorrow is the last day of June, halfway through the year. The good news is that in another few days we can say goodbye to the World Cup for another four years and get people to talk about something less boring, which is everything. To tell you how bad the World Cup is, 72% of all people would rather watch an Adam Sandler movie than a 0-0 tie between between Cameroon and Algeria. The other 28% would take the cyanide pill option. The only thing more boring than the World Cup are my rants against the World Cup. With that I will leave you with the option of getting back to your life if you have one which is questionable if you have read this far. But before you do, just make sure to take some time and remember to send the love!


1 comment:

tc in bc said...

Hey! I'm from Cameroon and my wife is from Algeria. hehe