Friday, June 27, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says 90% of undocumented aliens skip their court appearances. Which means they are assimilating into the culture and are already preparing for when they are called for jury duty.

The Supreme Court has limited the President’s power to make recess appointments. Which is really a burden on the White House because of the only three or four days a year that Congress is actually in session.

A University of Michigan study says that the wealth gap is growing because of the recession and slow recovery. Except in Michigan where there is no income gap as anyone who had any money left the state long ago.

Health experts say that drinking water is the best way to cut obesity. For most Americans, water is the stuff that makes the ice cubes that go in a Big Gulp with 44 ounces of Coke.

A medicinal marijuana farmers’ market will open in L.A. It’s the only farmers’ market where cultivators will discuss ways to actually encourage their gardens to grow more weeds.

A medicinal marijuana farmers’ market will open in L.A. The only thing growers have to watch out for are the stoners who believe in the system of sharecropping.

A climatologist says that global warming will make parts of America “unsuitable for outdoor activity.” Fortunately, our children’s health is not in danger since they have given up the idea of outdoor activity since the invention of the PlayStation.

The Vatican admits that most Catholics don’t follow the Church’s teachings on sex and birth control. Mostly because they want to have sex and use birth control.

The Vatican admits that most Catholics don’t follow the Church’s teachings on sex and birth control. Although it’s just the ones who don’t mind staying celibate for 70 years with an eye on trying to become the Pope.

The Vatican admits that most Catholics don’t follow the Church’s teachings on sex and birth control. But then who needs birth control when the object of your affection is an altar boy?

The U.S. government is trying to get the U.N. to cut back on its compensation costs, which have gone up $1 Billion in the past decade. To which the U.N. says they wouldn’t have to spend so much money trying to keep the peace if the U.S. would quit spending so much money starting wars.

A Florida company has developed a program that can use social media sites like Facebook to find and track bad guys. Don’t we already have that? It’s called “Myspace.”

The U.S. Ambassador to the United Arab Emirates is being criticized for receiving a large number of speeding fines and inappropriate behavior. Which means there might be a future career in diplomacy for Justin Bieber.

Ecuador is pushing a plan that calls for the indefinite reelection of the President and other elected officials. To which Congress is asking why go through all that trouble when they can get the same results with a little creative redistricting?

IKEA says it will raise their minimum wage in the U.S. to $10.76 an hour. Which could end up costing customers a fortune if they use any store employees to help them figure out how to assemble any of the furniture they bought there.

Labor conditions at the construction of a new NYU campus in Abu Dhabi are being investigated. Although workers’ complaints will pretty much be ignored if they say that it’s too hot.

Labor conditions at the construction of a new NYU campus in Abu Dhabi are being investigated. If they think that’s a crime, just wait until the campus opens and they see what students are being charged for tuition.

The American Wood Stork has been taken off the endangered species list. Apparently the bird started to disappear when rumors were spread that they taste like chicken.

GM says it is going to recall 33,000 Chevy Cruze sedans because of faulty air bags. Which is not to be confused with Democrats who would like to see a recall of the wind bag known as Ted Cruz.

AAA says there will be an increase in 4th of July travel over last year. Americans will be celebrating Independence Day, meaning their independence from having a job, a home and a retirement account.

Hyundai is facing fines for overstating their cars’ fuel efficiency. The question is, why isn’t GM facing fines for overstating that your car will get you where you are going without breaking down or crashing from all their defective parts?

A report says that auto loans may be a subprime crisis in the making. Which would be ironic in that subprime loans are the reason people lost their homes and had to buy a roomier car that they can live in.

The National Corvette Museum in Kentucky says it will keep the sinkhole that destroyed several cars as it has become a tourist magnet of its own. It’s the first bottomless pit associated with Corvettes since gasoline went up over $3 a gallon.

The Pentagon has grounded the entire F-35 fighter jet fleet because of an engine oil leak. Mostly because there is nothing more annoying than being in the middle of a dogfight and seeing the “add oil” light on the dashboard start flashing.

Passenger security fees will be going up at airports starting in July. Mostly because they know you have to pay top dollar these days to go somewhere else to get stripped and probed in front of a crowd.

The new giant iPhone reportedly doesn’t fit in most pants. But then neither do most Americans since they become obese from sitting around looking at their iPhone all day.

The oldest human droppings have been discovered that show Neanderthals ate plants. The discovery was made when archaeologists were called over to inspect a sewer leak at Sylvester Stallone’s home.

The U.S. lost to Germany 1-0 in the World Cup but still advanced to the next round. Which immediately gave a renewed sense of hope to Cubs fans everywhere.

A study says that when a person suffers a migraine headache, it affects their whole family. Which is only fair since the other members of the family are usually the ones who caused the migraine in the first place.

A study says that drug information found on Wikipedia is often inaccurate. Mostly because the people entering the information are usually still high on the drugs they are writing about.

A study says that drug information found on Wikipedia is often inaccurate. The problem came to light when researchers saw that henbane was being recommended to treat any cases of consumption.

The New York State Supreme Court has refused to reinstitute New York City’s ban on soda. If New Yorkers weren’t intent on taking their lives into their own hands, they wouldn’t have cabs, sidewalk vendors and New Year’s Eve in Times Square.

A study says that binge drinking kills 88,000 people a year in the U.S. Who are medically and otherwise known as “lightweights.”

A study says that one in ten deaths in the U.S. is tied to excessive alcohol consumption. Especially the ones who are using beer to wash down their Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

A study says that one in ten deaths in the U.S. is tied to excessive alcohol consumption. The other nine die when they drink just enough to think they are still OK to get behind the wheel.

Phil Collins is donating more than 200 artifacts related to the Alamo to the historic site. It is the first time relics have been donated to a museum since KISS was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Cam Gigandet from “The O.C.” says his costars were “miserable.” Mostly because they knew their acting careers were pretty much over after appearing on “The O.C.”

Katy Perry has been designated as “the most rewarded digital act ever.” Perry said she will have a comment on the award just as soon as someone can actually explain what it means.

Katy Perry has been designated as “the most rewarded digital act ever”, beating out Rihanna and Taylor Swift. However, the winner for most hits on an Internet video is still a tie between a cat playing a piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

The fourth “Beverly Hills Cop” movie is set to be filmed in Detroit. Apparently using Detroit means the movie takes place in a post apocalyptic setting after several nuclear bombs fall on Rodeo Drive.

The fourth “Beverly Hills Cop” movie is set to be filmed in Detroit. Producers are using Detroit in hopes that they will qualify for a GM type of government bailout if the Eddie Murphy movie does anywhere nearly as bad as “Norbit”, “Meet Dave”, and “Pluto Nash.”

A Fox executive had harsh words for Kris Jenner over her failed talk show. Although not as harsh as what should be said to Fox executives for thinking people would want to watch a talk show hosted by Kris Jenner.

A report says that Sherri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy have been fired as cohosts of “The View.” Apparently the two were guilty of the show’s cardinal sin of letting a guest get in a word edgewise.

Lindsay Lohan will appear in a London production of the play “Speed-The-Plow.” Which is not to be confused with Lohan’s recent court appearances for speeding while plowed.

LeBron James will reportedly exercise the early termination clause of his contract and become a free agent. It will be his first early termination since he cramped up before the end of Game 1 of the NBA Finals.

Former NFL lineman Quinn Ojinnaka is going to try the transition from football player to pro wrestler. Which just adds more credibility to the claims by football players of head injuries.

Tiger Woods shot a 3 over par 74 in his first competitive round of golf since March. Apparently he is following doctors’ orders and playing some golf but getting lots of rest on the weekend.

A travel snafu with lost luggage caused minor league teams for the Mariners and Padres to postpone a game. The Padres team would have been able to play if only their bats were lost since they don’t usually use those during their games anyway.

A 4,000 year old burial site was discovered in Europe that included chariots. So it’s not just a modern day thing where men want to be buried inside their sports cars.

A report says the German government dropped Verizon as a cellphone wireless provider because of the threat of U.S. spying. The only thing is they have to wait until their contract is up in 2015 or they will have to pay the $200 early termination fee.

A report says the German government dropped Verizon as a cellphone wireless provider because of the threat of U.S. spying. That and because Angela Merkel wants a new number so George W. Bush quits calling to ask if she wants another shoulder rub.

A new startup called Le Tote will rent clothes to women which they will then exchange after a month. Don’t we already have that? It’s called “Goodwill.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The World Cup continues in Brazil. Do you know what the longest soccer match ever played was? All of them. OK, I’m not a soccer fan. I like baseball where you sit for three hours and can sometimes see as many as two runs score. Unless you are an Astros fan. At least watching soccer must be good for a person’s blood pressure and for curing any insomnia. Just make sure that before you get zoned out watching a match that you remember to first send the love!

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