Thursday, June 26, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Supreme Court ruled that police can’t snoop on peoples’ cellphones without a warrant. The Court apparently doesn’t want local police getting in the way of the NSA’s ability to freely hack into everyone’s business.

The Supreme Court has pulled the plug on a plan by Aereo to stream TV shows without paying copyright fees. That means that people who want to watch TV shows without paying expensive fees will just have to go back to the traditional way by stealing cable.

Microsoft says that future looks bleak if the government continues with unlawful data collection. The company says the Internet was not created for the government to spy on citizens, but instead to provide information about low interest mortgages, Viagra and winning foreign lotteries.

Microsoft says that future looks bleak if the government continues with unlawful data collection. Almost as bleak as trying to boot up a computer quickly that is being run by Windows 8.

The LAPD is using computer algorithms to predict future crime scenes. Mostly by finding out when Lindsay Lohan is set to go shopping.

The LAPD is using computer algorithms to predict future crime scenes. The method is done by finding out when Alec Baldwin is planning to take a flight out of LAX.

The Hyundai Genesis comes with new technology that can outsmart speed cameras. The only way to avoid them before was to drive a Chrysler which wouldn’t go fast enough to exceed the speed limit.

Hillary Clinton will be paid $225,000 to give a speech at UNLV in October. She will talk about the benefits of going to college, and then will use the money to finally pay off her tuition loans.

Cab drivers in Washington, D.C. staged a major protest against ride sharing services by jamming traffic on Wednesday. The only question is how could anyone in D.C. actually tell they were clogging up the roads?

House Speaker John Boehner says he is planning a lawsuit against President Obama for misusing executive powers. Apparently he means business. He is trying to get the case turned over to the jurisdiction where it will be tried by Judge Judy.

A federal appeals court has ruled that Utah can’t ban gay marriage. The judge decided that a state that allows men to have five wives has to make provisions when there aren’t enough women to go around for everyone else.

The NFL has agreed to lift a $675 Million cap on concussion injury claims. The league decided to raise the amount as they figure in a few years most the players will forget about it anyway.

A 6 year old kindergartner in Utah won a spelling bee while competing against students in all the other grades. He won by correctly spelling “salt”, “lake” and “polygamy.”

North Korea says that Seth Rogen’s new movie “The Interview” which is about two journalists enlisted to assassinate Kim Jong-Un is an “act of war.” If Seth Rogen really wanted to kill Kim Jong-Un he would give him a loaded pistol and force him to watch “Neighbors.”

A stabbing victim in New York City walked into a McDonald’s with a kitchen knife lodged in his back. How bad have hospital meals gotten that people would rather take a chance on bleeding out while they wait for some outside food? 

A study says that people who watch three hours or more of TV a day are twice as likely to die an early death. What’s worse is that the study was released on “Dr. Oz.”

The FDA is warning of allergic reactions to new acne products. Ironically, the most common reaction people suffer is breaking out.

A report says that student loan debt is not as bad as was feared. At least if you aren’t a student or the parent of someone getting to enroll in college.

A report says that student loan debt is not as bad as was feared. At least when you compare it to the mortgage crisis, long term unemployment and medical bills.

A 1979 Corvette that was stolen in Detroit has been returned to its owner 33 years later. Apparently the thief decided it would be easier to go to jail than keep having to work three extra jobs to put gas in the tank.

Billboard Magazine says the top song picked by people for working out is Eminem’s “Till I Collapse.” Which also describes what would happen if most Americans actually tried to get up off the couch and exercise for longer than it takes to listen to the song.

The world’s first test tube baby Louise Brown has turned 35 years old. She celebrated with a cake made in a petri dish that was heated by a Bunsen burner.

A study says there is no link between insomnia and high blood pressure. Except for people who can’t sleep wondering how they are going to pay their medical bills for their high blood pressure.

A study says that older moms who get pregnant naturally tend to live longer than women who have children younger. The hardest part is finding someone who wants to get an older woman pregnant.

A study says that older moms who get pregnant naturally tend to live longer than women who have children younger. Mostly because they want to be around long enough to see their kids actually move out of their basement into their own place.

A report says that blood pressure kiosks may not give accurate readings. Especially the ones at the mall with gauges that don’t go high enough to measure a man’s blood pressure when his wife has just dropped $500 on one dress at Nordstroms.

A wearable sensor reportedly detects the size of a person’s goosebumps to read their emotions. Like the embarrassment the person suffers when everyone sees they are wearing a sensor to measure their goosebumps.

A wearable sensor reportedly detects the size of a person’s goosebumps to read their emotions. The alarm goes off for women if a movie is too scary, the temperature has gotten too cold or if George Clooney walks into the room.

Tommy Chong says he would support an E-joint, provided it really worked. He also says if it gets him high he will also support A, B, C, and D joints.

The CDC says that a majority of seniors are plagued by incontinence. Which means the biggest fear of getting stuck sitting next to Uncle Charlie on your favorite couch is no longer having to listen to his war stories.

A study says that health care costs are on the rise. The study also says the Sun sets in the west, the Nile flows through Egypt and it might rain soon in Seattle.

A study says that some people with negative outlooks don’t want to be cheered up. Those people are also known as Cubs fans.

A report says that 10% of U.S. beaches fail to meet safety standards for bacteria. Areas most at risk are any of the beaches that served as locations for episodes of “Jersey Shore.”

Country singer Miranda Lambert says she is a “bad role model.” So who has ever tried to base anything they do on Miranda Lambert?

Adam Levine says he “may be a douchebag” but isn’t really sure. Just an idea here, but anyone who dyes their hair blond, has their own fragrance and a clothing line at KMart shouldn’t really need to wonder.

Plea deal talks have reportedly fallen apart in the case with Chris Brown. Apparently his lawyers aren’t sure if they want the Lindsay-Lohan-serve-two-hours-in-jail deal or if they want to gamble with the O.J. Simpson-acquittal-by-incompetent-jury trial.

Jillian Michaels is leaving “The Biggest Loser” for the third time. Apparently she took the show’s title a bit too literally.

A Native American group is planning on suing the Cleveland Indians over their mascot Chief Wahoo for $9 Billion. The amount is said to be based on “100 years of disparity, racism, exploitation and profiteering. The Indians say the entire team isn’t worth that much because of 100 years of mediocre baseball.

Former “Survivor” contestant Caleb Bankston has died. Which means that being on the show wasn’t a learning experience.

The Oakland A’s have signed an agreement to stay another 10 years at O.co Coliseum. The contract is working off the assumption that both the team and Stadium can last another ten years.

The Oakland A’s have signed an agreement to stay another 10 years at O.co Coliseum. Not to say the stadium is falling apart, but even Jose Canseco is holding up better at this point.

The Giants’ Tim Lincecum threw a no-hitter against the San Diego Padres. Which means his aim must have been off as he was somehow able to record 27 outs without hitting their bats even once.

The Giants’ Tim Lincecum threw a no-hitter against the San Diego Padres. The team has a combined batting average of .213. They are so pathetic the roster lists every layer as “Mendoza.”

FIFA is investigating Brazilian superstar Neymar for wearing prohibited underwear on the field. Apparently he got into trouble after scoring the winning goal and ripped off his shirt to reveal his sports bra.

Australian airlines are allowing uninterrupted use of mobile devices on all flights. In fact, it is such a big decision that Qantas is thinking about replacing their koala bear mascot with Alec Baldwin.

Wi-Fi that will be free for the first half hour is coming to New York City airports soon. Although most United passengers say that just isn’t enough time to write down all their complaints on the FCC web site following a flight on United.

Facebook has released a diversity report that shows the vast majority of its employees are white men. Mostly because Silicon Valley computer geeks are better workers because they don’t have any friends to waste all their time with on Facebook.

U.S. and German astronauts played soccer on the International Space Station in advance of the World Cup meeting between the two countries. Although it just wasn’t the same for the winners who had to spray Champagne on each other from a toothpaste tube.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! What’s with the World Cup player who is biting everyone? Maybe it’s time to do away with that rule about not using any hands. I wonder if that’s the reason behind football players having to have those facemasks on their helmets. The word is that “Refrigerator” Perry actually ate a kicker back in the ‘80s. Enough about all this violence in sports. I prefer the gentlemen’s game of golf, where the only violence happens when your wife finds out you are cheating and there is a 9 iron within arm’s reach. Let’s keep it peaceful and just stick to always sending the love!


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