Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says that nearly half of all Detroit water customers can’t pay their monthly bill. Which is ironic in that most of them are homeowners who find they are underwater with their mortgage.

ESPN has been setting ratings records with their coverage of World Cup soccer. It’s helped other channels, too. For instance, people who can’t get enough of all the excitement of watching a soccer match find themselves later switching over to C-SPAN.

Three Americans were hospitalized after showing signs of becoming “possessed”, hallucinating and going deaf and blind while playing with a Ouija board in a village in Mexico. It was either that or they accidentally drank some tap water.

A report says that one in four Americans have no money saved to handle emergencies. Mostly because that’s what all their money has all been used up for since 2007.

A Dutch company has introduced the first electronic marijuana cigarette. It reportedly doesn’t contain any THC, the active ingredient in pot. Apparently it’s for people who are already way too stoned to even try to light up a real joint.

France is seeking to shed its reputation for rudeness to attract more tourists. Once they solve that all they need to do is start taking baths, shave once in awhile and find something to serve for meals other than wine and cheese.

Australian scientists say they have simulated time travel. Which pretty much means they took a trip over to New Zealand.

Dating site Match.com is using facial recognition to pair people up with dates that look like their exes. Especially their customers they know have a better chance with that method than thinking they have a chance with someone who looks like Jennifer Aniston.

Dating site Match.com is using facial recognition to pair people up with dates that look like their exes. Which they forget the reason they are on Match.com in the first place is that their ex dumped them because they felt they could get someone better looking.

British Airways is offering inflight “slow TV” which shows a 7 hour train ride to ease the stress of passengers. However, the best way to reduce stress in passengers is to just assure them they aren’t flying on United.

British Airways is offering inflight “slow TV” which shows a 7 hour train ride to ease the stress of passengers. JetBlue is thinking of offering the same service, because a 7 hour movie would just about take up all the time of a scheduled one hour flight.

Teachers in Missouri are being trained to carry firearms in class. Who knew that some day the “Three R’s” would include “revolver”?

Authorities in Macau have busted a $645 Million illegal World Cup betting ring. The ringleaders were caught when they fell asleep after staying up three straight days waiting for someone to actually score a goal.

The FAA has outlined rules for model plane pilots to fly safely and avoid hazards near airports or crowds. As soon as they are done with that, they will start working on a similar set of standards for pilots who fly for Southwest Airlines.

The American Bar Association says that it is not unethical for lawyers to look at the social media sites of jurors or potential jurors. Which makes it that much more amazing that way before the Internet even existed, O.J. Simpson’s legal team was still able to assemble the twelve dumbest people on the planet.

The American Bar Association says that it is not unethical for lawyers to look at the social media sites of jurors or potential jurors. Mostly because they know it probably doesn’t make much of a difference to a verdict seeing what the jury is eating for breakfast every morning.

Most Americans say that social media has no effect on their purchases. Mostly because the only reason they are on social media sites is because they have no job and no money to buy anything in the first place.

Lance Armstrong is facing a $120 Million fraud suit from the government over his sponsorship by the Post Office. The lawsuit alleges that the Postal Service was defrauded by thinking that Armstrong was the one person they had on their payroll who actually finished his route on time.

Lance Armstrong is facing a $120 Million fraud suit from the government over his sponsorship by the Post Office. When those government attorneys get through with him, he will be forced to ride a bike because he won’t have enough money left for bus fare.

The National Center for Civil and Human Rights has opened in Atlanta. That makes about as much sense as opening a World Dental Museum in England.

The National Center for Civil and Human Rights has opened in Atlanta. That makes about as much sense as opening a World Hygiene Center in France.

The National Center for Civil and Human Rights has opened in Atlanta. What’s next, the World Peace Center opening in Germany?

A survey says that consumers around the world prefer want smartphones with bigger screens. Apparently it just makes for a better driving experience to be texting while also having enough screen space to simultaneously watch a movie.

President Obama says the U.S. should join the rest of the world and offer paid maternity leave. The idea got immediate support from the Octomom who says if that rule had been in place before she could have retired back in 1998.

San Francisco has outlawed an app that allows people to auction off their parking space. Not to say that parking spaces are at a premium in the Bay Area, but the auctions were set to be handled by Sotheby’s.

Rock legend Sting says he won’t give his six children much of his estimated fortune of $300 Million. He just needs to be careful if he finds out any of them have recently rented that movie about the Menendez Brothers.

Rock legend Sting says he won’t give his six children much of his estimated fortune of $300 Million. Which means no one should be surprised if he ends up at the bottom of a dark Scottish loch.

Faulty airbags in several car models have prompted recalls, especially in areas with hot and humid conditions. Apparently global warming is so bad that people are trying to inflate their airbags just so they can cut them open and get a cool breeze in their car.

Faulty airbags in several car models have pushed the total number of recalls this year around the world to 31.4 Million vehicles. Ironically, the only airbag that still seems to be working through all this is GM CEO Mary Barra.

A study says that the trophy wife stereotype is a myth, that people usually end up with a partner with similar qualities. Which means that young, beautiful greedy women become trophy wives for old, rich, greedy geezers.

A study says that the trophy wife stereotype is a myth, that people usually end up with a partner with similar qualities. If that’s the case, why didn’t Snooki with her “pouf” end up with Donald Trump and the squirrel nesting on top of his head?

A study says that children born in October and November are more physically fit than those born in other months. Apparently while they are concentrating on what they want for their birthday the other kids are more concerned with eating Halloween candy and stuffing themselves at Thanksgiving.

A study says that jobs and child care can push parents to take their kids on needless visits to the ER. Mostly because leaving them at the ER is covered by their medical insurance which makes it cheaper than hiring a babysitter.

The Beatles film “A Hard Days Night” will be brought back into movie theaters next month. That way Baby boomers who saw the film back in 1964 will be able to hear that there is actually dialogue and a plot line that this time won’t be drowned out by a theater full of screaming teenage girls.

Monaco’s Prince Albert II at age 56 is expecting his first child with his 36 year old wife. Which means now that the Prince has conceived an heir, he has completed his one career task and can now look forward to taking it easy and think about retirement.

A 1942 Oscar for art direction will be auctioned off in Rhode Island. The bidding is expected to be led by Sally Fields who can then accept the award and this time make a speech that isn’t quite as embarrassing as the last one.

Gordon Ramsay says he has decided to stop making the show “Kitchen Nightmares.” Viewers are wondering if that means he is retiring since “Kitchen Nightmares” pretty much describes all of his shows.

Barbara Walters will return as a guest on “The View” on June 27th. Apparently retirement has been tough for her to go out and have conversations where only one person is talking at a time.

Ben Stiller says a “Zoolander” sequel will not be made anytime soon. Apparently he wants to give it a few years until the movie actually has a chance at being able to break even.

Ben Stiller says a “Zoolander” sequel will not be made anytime soon. He wants to wait another ten or twenty years until people forget that they actually spent money to go see the original.

The $19 Million judgment against “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis has been upheld in the slander lawsuit brought by casino owner Steve Wynn. Legal experts are confused. What could anyone possibly say that would be considered a slander against a casino mogul?

The $19 Million judgment against “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis has been upheld in the slander lawsuit brought by casino owner Steve Wynn. Ironically, the whole trial just served to expose two more boobs.

The Philadelphia 76ers were reportedly considering a new logo of a basketball dribbling Ben Franklin. Apparently Franklin had a lot in common with the NBA. He was a diplomat like Dennis Rodman, spent time in Europe like Kobe Bryant and more importantly left behind a whole roster’s worth of illegitimate children.

The Tampa Bay Rays took batting practice against a 17 year old high school girl. Or as the Houston Astros call that, a chance at redemption.

A new grill allows people to charge their phones during a cookout. The company making it might really be on to something if there was only a way to make it fit in the car so people could eat while texting and driving.

A new map allows people to see global cyberattacks taking place in real time. Or they can pretty much get the same experience by just buying something using their credit card on the Target website.

Police and the military could soon be using X-ray guns to perform searches. That’s good news for veterans who can act suspiciously and get X-rayed instantly instead of having to wait six months to get it done at the VA.

A new startup called Cruise has devised a car kit that can turn cars in the Bay Area into self-driving vehicles. The kit costs $10,000, which brings up the question for that money why not just hire a chauffeur?

China’s Tianhe-2 is still topping the list as the world’s fastest supercomputer. Apparently the difference that got it to be number one was when its designers finally put in a different operating system than Windows 8.

A report says that existing home sales were up 4.9% in May. Which is a lot different than the homes bought in 2007 with subprime mortgages which are now mostly non-existent.

Microsoft is offering $650 for people who trade in a Macbook Air for the Surface Pro 3 tablet. Not only that, but anyone driving up to make the deal in a Maserati can trade in their car straight across for a new Segway.

The World Cup is becoming the biggest social media event ever. Mostly because people are Facebooking, tweeting and texting like never before while they are waiting for something to actually happen during the games.

Mensa is partnering with Match.com to make it possible to date a genius. What’s that about? Why go to all that trouble when my e-mail address is right on this blog?

Mensa is partnering with Match.com to make it possible to date a genius. If any woman really wants to date a Mensan, all she needs to do is ask the guy behind the counter at the comic book store if he is free Saturday night.

Google is testing its own custom domain registration service. Meaning if you use the service, your site might actually have a chance at showing up on a Google search.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad new in the entertainment world. Steve Rossi of the comedy team Allen and Rossi has died at age 82. He was part of the Allen & Rossi comedy team, one of the most successful in the 1960s. I remember seeing them almost weekly on one entertainment show or another. Rossi was a singer who got into comedy, as opposed to Justin Bieber who actually combined the two. He served as a the straight man to the bug eyed Allen, at a time when it was actually possible to make a living in Hollywood being straight...! RIP to a great comedian. Being the straight man in an act, or the person without the punch lines isn’t easy. Just check out this blog and you will know I can relate. Today you can get by with sending the love upstairs!

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