Sunday, June 22, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Pope Francis I told the Mafia they were all “excommunicated.” He recently decided to stop using the Popemobile, mostly because he expects to be riding instead in the trunk of a black Mercedes sedan.

Druids, new agers and neo-pagans celebrated the Summer Solstice at Stonehenge on Saturday. They come out at this time to worship the Sun for the thirty minutes during the year it actually comes out in England.

Druids, new agers and neo-pagans celebrated the Summer Solstice at Stonehenge on Saturday. And who wouldn’t pass up the chance to salute the season with people who really know how to party like the Druids, new agers and neo-pagans?

A new app lets men send in pictures of their privates so a doctor can diagnose them for STDs. Of course, tweeting around pictures of their privates is probably how they met someone who gave them an STD in the first place.

A World War II themed cafe in Indonesia has reopened after shutting down because of threats for displaying swastikas. The owner’s response to anyone complaining about Nazi memorabilia was “No soup for you!”

A study says that grumpy, angry, negative people are more efficient at their jobs. So just read the jokes and if you don’t like them, tell someone who cares.

A study says that grumpy, angry, negative people are more efficient at their jobs. No wonder Dick Cheney made most of the decisions for George W. Bush when he was in the White House.

A study says that grumpy, angry, negative people are more efficient at their jobs. If that’s true, it makes you wonder why Charlie Sheen has never won an Oscar.

Scientists are claiming that the concept of “free will” is an illusion. Although that is disproven by the fact that people without being forced or threatened will shell out ten bucks to see an Adam Sandler movie.

A UK sports consultant says that standing for three hours a day will add two years to a person’s life. The key is finding a reason to have to go to the DMV and wait in line for service more than once every few years.

The nudist Rainbow Family will attempt to get 10,000 people to gather in Utah in July. The only problem is getting people to show up who would actually want to see 10,000 naked people from Utah.

The U.N. says that 1 Million Iraqis have fled their homes in the latest round of violence there. Either that or Countrywide mortgage has recently resurfaced in the Middle East.

A report says that 52% of rich women entered their marriage with as much money or more than their spouse. Most of those women being the ex-wives of Larry King and Donald Trump.

Soccer star Hope Solo has been arrested on assault charges. She normally plays goalie but apparently also has skills as a striker.

Soccer star Hope Solo has been arrested on assault charges. No one was seriously injured in the attack is just like in soccer it took 90 minutes to see any offense.

A mass trial in Egypt resulted in 400 acquittals and 180 death sentences. Ana all that was just based on whose hands actually fit into the pair of gloves.

The G.I. Bill has turned 70 years old. The sad part is that more people are excited about G.I. Joe turning 50.

A report says that gasoline prices are rising but a glut is coming. Apparently it’s a tossup which has more influence, Big Oil’s greed or occasional times of peace in the Middle East.

Iraq is being pressed by the U.S. government to solve their political crisis. To which the Iraqis are saying “You first!”

Iraq is being pressed by the U.S. government to solve their political crisis. To which the Iraqis say they are working on it, but these things take time. They say there is a breakthrough in sight if we can just give them another 1,500 years.

Alaskan Republican Representative Don Young has been admonished by the House Ethics Panel for taking $59,000 in improper gifts. To which other members of Congress are saying “Amateur!”

Alaskan Republican Representative Don Young has been admonished by the House Ethics Panel for taking $59,000 in improper gifts. Otherwise known to most members of Congress as “Tuesday.”

Maserati is planning on opening up nearly 40 more dealerships in the U.S. Which is an unusual move in that most Americans can’t even afford to drive a car that would convince a Maserati salesman to let them take a test drive.

Starbucks says an upcoming price increase has nothing to do with their employee college tuition program. It’s just that they realized they haven’t had a price increase in nearly two weeks.

A study says that the impact of recent airline mergers is mixed. “Mixed” meaning the passengers will have to deal with more mixed up fares, connecting flights and baggage destinations.

McDonald’s has come in last place in a customer satisfaction survey of fast food restaurants. Which has about as much impact as coming in last place on a survey of cellphone service providers, cable companies or banks.

A study says that higher unemployment benefits decrease the rate of suicides. Except when the extra benefits include funeral costs.

A study says that higher unemployment benefits decrease the rate of suicides. The only problem is that people who are still working want to kill themselves when they see how much money they could be making if they would only get fired.

Bud Light, Coors Light and Budweiser are the top three choices of underage binge drinkers. Mostly because you can binge drink for three straight days on Bud Light, Coors Light and Budweiser without ever actually getting drunk.

A study says that sunshine can act like a drug for people who are addicted to tanning. The worst part is that anyone needing to go to rehab is pretty much sent to Scotland.

A study says that sunshine can act like a drug for people who are addicted to tanning. Not only that, the people who move to Florida to feed their habit eventually also get addicted to Doans Pills, Centrum Silver and early bird dinner specials.

Velveeta cheese product has been recalled from Wal-Mart stores. Or as Velveeta is known at Wal-Mart, the gourmet section.

A study says the earlier a person lights their first cigarette of the day, the more likely they are to develop lung cancer. Especially when they go through a whole pack just trying to keep one lit while they are taking their shower.

A study says that hypnosis may lead to a deeper sleep. You just have to hope that it makes you sleep so soundly you don’t wake up in the middle of the night and see that hypnotist still sitting in the chair next to your bed.

A study says that hypnosis may lead to a deeper sleep. If that doesn’t work you can always just tune your TV into the World Cup right before bed time.

Fitness trackers for kids are hitting the market. Which for today’s kids are about as useful as a mileage tracker for a Humvee.

A study says that fried foods are linked to diabetes and heart disease. Apparently it was a study of things we knew back in 1967.

A man using an experimental arthritis drug grew a full head of hair. The sad part is the drug didn’t work on his arthritis so he can’t lift his hands to comb it.

The FDA is warning that bee pollen weight loss products may pose a health risk. Government agents were able to confiscate some of the potentially dangerous products as part of a sting.

Lifetime is set to air “The Unauthorized Story of Saved By The Bell” in September. Mostly because no one actually wanted to authorize the story of “Saved By The Bell.”

Kanye West says he wants to redesign Instagram. Most users are in favor of that, saying they would like to have a way to automatically delete any Instagram photos they are sent of Kanye West and the Kardashians family.

Bethenny Frankel is reportedly in talks to cohost “The View.” Apparently there aren’t enough hosts right now so there are actually times when there is only one person talking at a time.

Pope Francis I is calling for the end of all forms of torture. He didn't specify if he was including having to go to Confession.

New York Jets owner Woody Johnson says he likes the idea of expanding the NFL playoffs. Especially if it goes from 12 to 32 teams which might give the Jets a chance of making it into the post season.

A game between the Phillies and Cardinals was invaded by a swarm of moths last week. There haven’t been that many moths seen at a Phillies game since the last time they brought Jamie Moyer out of the bullpen.

Hackers took down the World Cup soccer website in Brazil for several hours. Fortunately the interruption took up most of only one day so the site only missed the one goal that was actually scored during that time.

Doctors say there is a new affliction for video game players where blood clots form after sitting too long called “gamers’ thrombosis.” Before that, the only illness associated with video games was the apoplexy gamers’ parents would suffer when they saw how much they were spending every month on games, soda and snacks.

Scientists have discovered a 6,200 year old parasite on an ancient skeleton in Syria. It was the oldest known case of parasites since Jermaine, Marlon and Tito Jackson.

President Obama is the first President to have himself scanned along with the image reconstructed by a 3D printer. It was the most notable bust seen in the White House since the Obamacare rollout.

Idaho and Utah have been ranked as the most friendly states for small business. Mostly because no big business has any intention of trying to run an operation out of Idaho or Utah.

The world’s first microchip failed to sell at auction. Apparently no one wanted to buy it since the only operating system it was compatible with is Windows 8.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Summer has officially started. Saturday was the Summer Solstice, also known as the longest day of the year. Which is only fitting as it coincides with the World Cup because any day watching soccer seems like the longest day of the year. Although not quite as long as it seems to get all the way to this point in my blog. All I ask is for the few seconds it takes to remember to send the love!

No comments: