Thursday, June 19, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Saudi Arabia is warning that Iraq could break out into a civil war. Which is otherwise known in the Middle East as “Tuesday.”

Saudi Arabia is warning that Iraq could break out into a civil war. Now that’s really going out on a limb to predict violence and political unrest in the Middle East.

Saudi Arabia is warning that Iraq could break out into a civil war. In a related story they are also warning that it could rain soon in Ireland.

CNN’s new entertainment based programming is reportedly being met with resistance by advertisers. Media experts were shocked. There are still sponsors who advertise on CNN?

A survey says that 54,000 newspaper and magazine jobs have been lost since 2003. Apparently most of them were the fact checkers for the New York Times, Washington Post and L.A. Times.

A survey says that 54,000 newspaper and magazine jobs have been lost since 2003. Half those jobs were the people who were laid off after USA Today decided to do away with its pie chart graphics.

The California Mayor who was caught throwing a bag of dog droppings on a neighbor’s lawn has resigned. Apparently he is thinking of leaving the country and running for office where his leadership style would be more appreciated, like in Toronto.

A Miami woman was arrested for posing as a spiritual adviser in order to try to rob another woman. Which means she could have gotten away with the same crime by just becoming a real spiritual adviser.

Pennsylvania Republican congressman Lou Barletta says the House “probably” has enough votes to impeach President Obama. Which could happen just as soon as someone figures out what to actually charge him with.

The U.S. Patent Office has canceled the trademark registrations for the Washington Redskins. That means anyone can sell their logo without paying royalties. To which the Cleveland Browns are asking what are trademark royalties?

Dubai International Airport has passed Heathrow in London as the world’s busiest hub. Mostly because it’s the only airport where anyone named Abdul, Mohammed or Hassan can get through security in less than three days.

A report says that Americans spend $1,500 every minute of each day on McDonald’s hamburgers. Or as most other countries would call that, a pretty good economy.

A report says that GM ignored early warnings on cars with faulty ignition switches. Mostly because any safety feature malfunctions were not considered a problem because the other defects would keep the cars off the roads in the first place.

The U.S. Central Bank has cut its growth forecast for 2014 because of the harsh winter weather. Which means that while global warming may kill us all, at least hotter temperatures will improve the economy so we can all afford more lavish funerals.

Outgoing White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said he loved “every minute of every day” on the job. Which means the job has shown him that even when he no longer has to he can still tell a pretty good lie.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is taking the state out of the Common Core teaching program. Mostly because he considers it a waste since the program involves kids in the 3rd through 8th grade and only a handful of Louisiana students ever get past the 2nd.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is taking the state out of the Common Core teaching program. Why does anyone need to read or write when the wealthiest family in the state made their fortune whittling duck calls?

Some Illinois nuns are fighting against a strip club that opened right next door to their convent. They wouldn’t care except that men on the street keep handing them singles when they confuse them with the dancers who do some of their routines wearing habits.

The Post Office says that money woes are leaving them with an aging vehicle fleet. It’s getting so bad that some of the vehicles are older than the postmarks on some of the mail they are delivering.

Friday is “Take your dog to work day.” Which means next Monday is “Take your dog to look for a new job because he peed on the carpet at work day.”

Amazon has unveiled its new Fire Phone, a 3D smartphone. It got its name from the fact that most people who get it and look at videos in 3D when they are supposed to be doing some work will be fired.

Dreamworks has acquired the rights to “Felix the Cat.” You know the economy is bad when even Hollywood is trying to save money by bringing back cartoons that are drawn in black and white.

J.D. Power ranked Ford high on its quality survey while GM slipped. However, GM is disputing the totals and wants to have the results of the survey recalled.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg says the lack of diversity at the tech giants including Facebook are “pretty depressing.” It’s just too bad she isn’t in some sort of high ranking executive position where she could possibly instigate some changes in the way they do business.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that Americans average 9 hours of sleep a day. The sad part is that the Bureau of Labor Statistics is compiling information on how long people sleep every day as opposed to keeping track of how many hours people worked back when they still had jobs.

Sugar prices have hit an eight month high. That could be bad news. They can raise gasoline to $4 a gallon and the price of beef to all time highs, but when Americans are asked to shell out more for candy bars and soft drinks, that’s when our social stability begins to collapse.

TV’s Dr. Oz was scolded by Senators for his part in weight loss scams. How bad is it when you get lectured about financial ethics by a group that has put the country $17 Trillion in the hole?

California will not put obesity warnings on sugary drinks. Mostly because any real Californian will be shunned the moment they show up drinking anything out of a bottle that isn’t water and doesn’t cost less than $5 a bottle.

A team of scientists has developed a technique that allows teeth to heal their own cavities. Unfortunately, the new technology will not help anyone in Alabama who only know cavities as those places the police search when they get taken to jail.

A study says that air pollution is linked to a cognitive decline in later years. Which explains how people in L.A. are suckered into paying $800,000 for a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

The FDA is proposing to require pharmaceutical companies to list the risks of their drugs on Twitter. The only problem is that most of the names of the drugs themselves go over the 140 character limit.

The FDA is proposing to require pharmaceutical companies to list the risks of their drugs on Twitter. Which means with the 140 character limit, they will just have to say “Yeah, this stuff can pretty much kill you.”

A study says that kids with anxiety have a larger “fear center” in their brain. Just like boys who go to school wearing a “Hello Kitty” backpack.

The Swedish town of Hallstahammars is considering doing away with homework for schoolchildren. Mostly because they spend all their time after school trying to learn to spell “Hallstahammars.”

A British tabloid says that Kim Kardashian is pursuing a musical career. She has no talent, no voice and no musical ability. But she figures if that didn’t stop her husband Kanye West from being able to become a recording star why not her, too?

Queen Elizabeth II will pay a visit to the set of “Game of Thrones.” Until now, to the Royal Family “Game of Thrones” meant when the Queen threatens Prince Charles with bypassing him and handing the crown straight to his son William.

A copyright lawsuit against Lady Gaga has been dropped. The suit alleges she stole parts of the song and title of her tune “Judas” from another song called “Juda.” The lawsuit originally also tried to sue Judas Priest and include “Hey Jude”, “Judy in Disguise” and “Suite: Judy Blue Eyes.”

Barbie’s latest version comes as an entrepreneur along with a smartphone, LinkedIn profile and tablet computer. It is so realistic that she can actually crash her convertible into a plastic tree while using her smartphone to text while driving.

Kanye West says that he and Kim Kardashian rehearsed four days for their wedding photo. It’s just too bad he doesn’t try the same thing for any of the songs or videos he records.

Actor Michael Jace from “The Shield” has pleaded not guilty to charges of murdering his wife. His father-in-law says he admitted to the killing on the phone. Even Robert Blake says good luck in finding a jury dumb enough to acquit on this one.

Actor Michael Jace from “The Shield” has pleaded not guilty to charges of murdering his wife. The only question is whether starring in a show that aired on basic cable makes him a big enough celebrity to get away with it.

Photographer Annie Leibovitz reportedly pulled out of shooting Kim Kardashian’s wedding at the last minute. Kanye West says she quit because she was “scared of the idea of celebrity.” Although maybe she was more afraid of the idea that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have become celebrities.

2 Million people tuned in to see Hillary Clinton interviewed on Fox News. Apparently they were long time loyal viewers who had never actually seen a Democrat on TV before.

Jay Leno will receive the top humor award of the year, the Mark Twain Prize. It was felt he needs a trophy to put on his shelf to show he is funny because apparently it’s just not enough proof to be paid millions of dollars to host “The Tonight Show” for 22 years.

Jay Leno will receive the top humor award of the year, the Mark Twain Prize. Apparently the committee felt that if Mark Twain was still around, Leno could play Tom Sawyer while Conan O’Brien would be more typecast as his whiny suck up half-brother Sid.

Kobe Bryant says he is 100% and ready to return to the Lakers. When Kobe says he is “100%” it means the percentage of all the shots he intends to take during each game.

Members of a bachelor’s party at Elephant Butte Lake Park in New Mexico discovered a rare mastodon skull. The bigger question is what kind of best man would plan a bachelor’s party at Elephant Butte Lake Park in New Mexico?

J.D. Powers has picked Porsche as the top quality car. Mostly because anyone who gets to drive a Porsche is too afraid to complain because they are going to be punched out by anyone within earshot who is stuck driving a Chrysler, Ford or GM car.

J.D. Powers has picked Porsche as the top quality car. Well, now there is a real surprise. The only question is whether they based the pick on the car’s reliability, performance or ability to help pick up the most beautiful women.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Dodger pitcher Clayton Kershaw pitched a no-hitter last night, the team’s second this season. The best part is that since it didn’t come against Houston, it counts. As far as I am concerned, the only thing that counts here is when you all remember to send the love!

1 comment:

benson said...

Heard Dan Patrick say this morning that Vin Scully has broadcast something like 7% of all no-hitters/perfect games. Wow.