Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Bureau of Labor Statistics says the prices for meat, chicken, fish and eggs are at an all time high. Although most Americans won’t be concerned until prices go up for doughnuts, ice cream and beer.

The IRS claims it has lost two years’ worth of e-mails that dealt with the agency’s tax exempt scandal. The question is how can they lose two year’s worth of important electronic records when they can immediately access the fact you erroneously deducted 59 cents for a pair of shoelaces eight years ago?

The IRS claims it has lost two years’ worth of e-mails that dealt with the agency’s tax exempt scandal. At least we now know what happened to the person who was transferred from being in charge of the Obamacare website launch.

The IRS claims it has lost two years’ worth of e-mails that dealt with the agency’s tax exempt scandal. The Republicans claim it’s a Democratic Party conspiracy, as opposed to when they had the same problems with Obamacare and the Republicans blamed that on Democratic Party incompetence.

A study says that sitting an extra two hours a day can increase the risk of cancer by 10%. Especially if you are sitting on a lit, non-filter cigarette.

A little known heart conditions has been found that mostly affects young, educated women. Apparently it has to do with some sort of uncontrollable racing when the women see how much they owe on the loans they took out to get that college education.

A report says that most Americans are more likely to live near people of similar ideological beliefs. Like the people in California who actually believe it’s a good idea to pay $800,000 for a 1,200 square foot fixer upper in Pacoima.

A report says that most Americans are more likely to live near people of similar ideological beliefs. Like people who enjoy wearing bed sheets and other linens who seem to all migrate down to Mississippi.

A pawn shop that deals with only sneakers has opened in New York City. It’s for people who need cash and aren’t afraid to sell their sole.

A pawn shop that deals with only sneakers has opened in New York City. How high have gasoline prices gotten that walking shoes are a more valuable commodity than cars?

Gasoline prices are set to hit a six year high. The price hikes are being blamed on the unrest in Iraq, speculation and oil company executives are getting ready to buy their yearly summer vacation homes on the French Riviera.

The Archbishop of Canterbury says that social media is killing off quiet reflection. To which people immediately responded on Twitter, telling him “Shut up and mind your own business!”

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is ready to take office again after going through rehab. He is up for reelection in October. He will spend his time until then trying to remember what happened his first three years in office.

The South Carolina DMV has denied a boy who dresses as a girl to retake his driver’s license photo wearing makeup. Apparently they feel his photo should be as unrecognizable and unflattering as everyone else’s.

The Mormon Church says it is getting out of the adoption agency business. Why would any Mormon man need to adopt when he has five pregnant wives running around the house?

TV icon Dick Cavett says he despises people who don’t own a TV set. Apparently no one has told him his talk show hasn’t been on the air since 1975.

Jack In The Box restaurants are test marketing “cronuts”, a mixture of croissants and donuts. Although if they really want to make it a success, they would put a couple of hamburger patties and some cheese between two of them and then deep fry it.

The U.S. Supreme Court denied an attempt by Argentina to escape its creditors. Apparently what Argentina needs to do is run up, say a $17 Trillion debt that would make it impossible for anyone to ever expect it to be repaid.

A study says that the higher a company’s CEO is paid, the worse it is for the shareholders. Mostly because it’s hard for a CEO to run a company efficiently when they are having to use the corporate jet to fly around the world to make sure all their mansions are being properly cared for.

GM sales and used car values have reportedly held up well despite all the recent recalls. Mostly because since all the cars are in the shop all the time they all still have very low mileage.

A new Bentley can go from 0 to 60 in just 3.6 seconds. That is just fast enough to get to the bank to see the last of your money go out the window for car and gasoline payments.

American Airlines says it is dropping 80% of its flights between the U.S. and Venezuela. Apparently the airline is tired of selling out a flight with only three people actually making it through customs with something in their luggage other than cocaine.

SolarCity is planning to build a solar panel plant in Buffalo, New York. They are also planning to run the factory off solar energy on each of the three days each year that Buffalo actually sees any sunlight.

Volvo says it is planning on bring its models that are made in China into the U.S. So now foreign companies aren’t only taking our jobs away here, they are stealing the cheap Asian laborers that our manufacturers want to use for outsourcing.

The U.S. World Cup match against Ghana drew a record TV audience for ESPN. More people watched that match than the number who were online at the same time watching videos of cats playing the piano and hamsters eating crackers.

A study says that chronic stress can hurt a person’s memory. Especially men who know they are going to hear about it for the next year and still forget their anniversary.

A new microwave operated helmet can detect strokes. It’s the most strokes associated with microwaves other than a reheated Bloomin’ Onion.

A new microwave operated helmet can detect strokes. Just a guess, but could it have anything to do with having microwaves blasted through your brain?

Archaeologists have discovered a recipe for an “elixir of long life” in a New York City beer garden that had been buried 150 years. Because who would know the secret to a long life more than people who frequented New York City beer gardens in the 19th century?

Dr. Oz defended his weight loss advice in front of a Senate hearing on diet scams. Why are Senators the only ones who actually don’t already know the legitimacy of most diet plans?

Dr. Oz defended his weight loss advice in front of a Senate hearing on diet scams. Apparently the Senators want to know why they weren’t able to get in on this diet con on the ground floor?

A study says that young adults are healthier and have saved money after the passage of Obamacare. Mostly from walking around more because they can’t afford gas and have no job because Republicans have been more concerned about repealing Obamacare than working on the economy.

The FDA wants the food industry to lower sodium levels voluntarily. Industry experts are concerned as to how anyone is going to be able to taste the lower amounts of salt through all the sugar and fat that are still the main ingredients in everything?

Harrison Ford will reportedly miss two months of filming the new “Star Wars” movie after breaking his ankle. The worst part is that his new catch phrase for the film is “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!”

Simon Cowell says he will tell his son if he is a bad singer. Which brings up an image of something like “No! Are you tone deaf? It’s Twinkle...twinkle...LITTLE star!”

Simon Cowell says he will tell his son if he is a bad singer. More than likely even if he is a good singer.

Madonna attended a new musical about Tupac Shakur in New York City. It isn’t over until the fat lady completely empties both clips.

“Jersey Shore” star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino was arrested after a fight at a tanning salon. Fighting while getting a tan is referred to as the condensed version of the show.

Prosecutors have dropped domestic abuse charges against Paul Simon and his wife Edie Brickell. Apparently there was a lack of evidence of any violence. There hasn’t been a hit between them in more than 30 years.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are being blasted for piercing the ears of their daughter North. She’s just lucky that Kanye hasn’t insisted on a life sized image of his face tattooed on her back yet.

Kim Kardashian has her own video game that helps the player learn how to be famous. The hard part is starting out by shooting and then leaking your own sex tape.

PBS is planning on showing shortened half hour versions of “Sesame Street.” How bad is it when kids can’t even pay attention to the long version of a show that was accused of helping shorten their attention span in the first place?

Tiger Woods’ agent says he is extending his swing. Of course, when he makes a comment like that the first question on everyone’s mind is whether or not that is some kind of metaphor.

Oakland A’s starter Drew Pomeranz broke his hand hitting a chair after a 14-8 loss. People were just amazed that after allowing 8 runs in three innings he was able to actually hit something he was aiming at.

The NCAA says Ohio State’s five star basketball recruit D’Angelo Russell has not been cleared to enroll. People were shocked. Ohio State basketball players are actually enrolled?

Central Florida authorities are warning residents about a nuisance alligator in the region. An alligator is classified as a “nuisance” up until the moment before it actually has your leg in its mouth.

Democrats in Congress have unveiled legislation that would force the FCC to ban an Internet “fast lane.” Meaning that if the law is passed, we will all pretty much be back to using AOL.

Yahoo has released data showing its workforce is mostly made of white males. Which means its name should actually have been “Yayhoo.”

A new oPhone lets users add aromas to text messages. So far the favorite is the pine scent that is released when the user crashes their car into a tree after texting while driving.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NBA and NHL playoffs are over. Didn’t those used to be autumn and winter sports? Now it’s back to the traditional summer sports of baseball, golf and assault weapon attacks in Florida. Just kidding. The last one is now all season. For now I will continue to wave the white flag and hope that instead of shooting some hot lead this way you will choose to opt for just sending the love!

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