Sunday, June 15, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Miami Heat lost the NBA Finals in five games to the San Antonio Spurs. The Heat were never the same after LeBron James left Game 1 with cramps when the temperature reached 90 degrees inside the AT&T Center in San Antonio. It's the first time a major championship came down to which team could cope better with climate change.

A study says that politically engaged conservatives and liberals don’t want to be neighbors. Just look at how the people in the White House can’t get along with the residents in the Capitol Building right down the street.

The Pentagon is studying protesters to prepare for a mass civil breakdown. Fortunately, they won’t have to worry about that anytime soon as the Lakers didn’t even make the NBA playoffs this year.

A poll says a majority of Americans say that President Obama is not “honest and trustworthy.” Which is not that big of a deal because neither are their spouses, children or bosses.

A Mercedes Benz crashed through a plate glass window at CNN Center in Atlanta last week. Employees were not alarmed as they thought it just meant that CNN had rehired Larry King.

A Mercedes Benz crashed through a plate glass window at CNN Center in Atlanta last week. The worst part is that the story was broken by Fox News.

A Mercedes Benz crashed through a plate glass window at CNN Center in Atlanta last week. At least it was was one crash site that CNN can say it was finally able to find.

Facebook has lifted a ban on pictures of breastfeeding. Apparently they figured if everyone else is posting pictures of what they are eating for breakfast, why shouldn’t it be the same for babies?

The World Cup opener set a ratings record for ESPN. It reportedly beat out their best showings for both snail racing and paint drying.

The World Cup opener set a ratings record for ESPN. Which isn’t surprising on a day when the other sports programming was a panel of experts talking about the investigation into Phil Mickelson’s stock portfolio.

A Detroit area library was shut down for an infestation of bedbugs. Remember when the only insects you would find in a library were bookworms?

Donald Sterling has reportedly hired four private investigators to dig up dirt on NBA commissioners and other owners. Who knows what those others are hiding if the league allows a racist womanizing slumlord like himself to own a team.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un is telling government weather forecasters to be more accurate. The problem is that everyone is afraid to tell the tyrant that it isn’t the weather that is to blame on all his bad hair days.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un is telling government weather forecasters to be more accurate. If they keep missing their forecasts, meteorologists will be looking at a 70% chance of scattered torture along with patchy solitary confinement.

The new military ruler of Thailand has penned a patriotic ballad to “return happiness” to the country. It’s gotten to the point where the word “happiness” in Thailand is hardly ever heard outside of any of the massage parlors in Bangkok.

An armadillo in Germany is being used to make predictions for the World Cup. Hopefully it will have better luck than the badger and muskrat that predicted victory for the country in both world wars.

Iraq’s civil breakdown is being blamed on Sunni and Shiite hatred which goes back to a dispute over the successor to Muhammad back in 632. Which means we might still be fighting over Bush v. Gore all the way into the middle of the 35th Century.

Long term unemployment in the U.S. has fallen below short term unemployment for the first time in five years. Mostly because anyone out of work for more than five years is now just being reclassified as retired.

GM has announced four more recalls, pushing the total number up to 14 Million vehicles being recalled this year. When asked when the last time the automaker has had this many problems with their vehicles, a GM spokesperson said they couldn’t recall.

The FCC is launching a probe into why U.S. consumers often suffer slow Internet connections. Besides from their usual explanation of “because you are subscribing to AOL.”

The FCC is launching a probe into why U.S. consumers often suffer slow Internet connections. The main solution recommended for most people is to just try to open one porn site on your computer at a time.

Chevron is selling some oil assets to Chad for $1.3 Billion. It’s the most money ever spent by a Chad for something other than shoes, cardigan or knick-knacks.

Airlines are getting more complaints about what passengers claim are arbitrary rules for carry on baggage. At least the airlines are consistent with their arbitrary policies for ticket prices, flight delays and cancellations.

Airlines are getting more complaints about what passengers claim are arbitrary rules for carry on baggage. Just like how they are arbitrary with at which destination your checked in luggage will arrive.

Phil Mickelson’s lawyer says the golfer didn’t trade for any Clorox stock as was alleged in an insider trading investigation. That means the biggest embarrassment for the PGA Tour with bleach is still all the golfers who show up on Sunday wearing white pants.

Federal authorities are warming consumers about a salmonella outbreak linked to chia seeds. Apparently the first sign of the illness is stuttering when you order your ch-ch-ch-chia seeds.

The CDC reports that 4 in 10 teenagers admit to texting while driving. The other six are too busy talking on their cell phones, watching movies or playing video games while they are driving to be bothered with any texts.

The CDC reports that 4 in 10 teenagers admit to texting while driving. The other six have parents who can’t afford the insurance or gas expenses to let their kids drive anywhere in the first place.

A study says that low levels of Vitamin D are linked to an early death. Which means we could increase our life expectancy by years if we would just start injecting supplements into soft drinks, beer and fast food.

Twin boys were born 39 days in Kansas City. Which at least makes it easier for the parents to tell them apart, as the oldest is the one who needs to shave every morning.

Chris Christie told Jimmy Fallon on “The Tonight Show” that he can beat Hillary Clinton. Although he didn’t say if he meant in a presidential election or in a hot dog eating contest.

Matt Lauer has signed a contract extension to stay on “Today.” Which means he will be there at least through tomorrow.

Matt Lauer has signed a contract extension to stay on “Today.” Although their numbers have slipped so much in the battle for early ratings that morning viewers are asking “Who in the world is Matt Lauer?”

Celine Dion’s husband is stepping down as her manager. Now all they need to do to resurrect her career is fire the person who has been acting as her vocal coach.

Celine Dion’s husband is stepping down as her manager. Apparently he was tired of having a career doing temp work.

Singer Marc Anthony has been ordered to double his child support payments to $26,000 a month. Anthony had refused to pay more than $13,000 a month, saying that would “spoil the kids rotten.” Because preteen kids just don’t seem to make good decisions on how to spend anything past that first $150,000 a year.

The house that was featured in the movie “The Money Pit” is up for sale. Although after the mortgage crisis, the Tom Hanks film has since been reclassified as a documentary.

The house that was featured in the movie “The Money Pit” is up for sale. The film is now pretty much obsolete as people can see the same plot coming to life on all the shows on HGTV.

Ice Cube says there was a lot of ad libbing by the actors in the new movie “22 Jump Street.” Mostly because producers couldn’t find even any unemployed waiters who were willing to put their name on a script for “22 Jump Street.”

Former UCLA basketball star Ed O’Bannon says that Little League baseball players should be paid if their games are shown on TV. Apparently his reasoning is that it is only fair if the Houston Astros are getting paid for the same quality of play.

A report says that the Heat losing the NBA Finals will not affect LeBron James’ free agency decision. Other than places like Seattle or Minnesota where the mercury seldom goes over the 90 degree mark.

A report says the NBA will countersue Donald Sterling if he continues his lawsuit against the league. You know things have gotten out of hand when people talk about crazy team owners in L.A. and they aren’t referring to the McCourts.

The lawsuit against the NCAA by former UCLA basketball star Ed O’Bannon could mean college basketball players could make $1 Million a year. Or as student athletes call that at USC, a pretty sizable pay cut.

The lawsuit against the NCAA by former UCLA basketball star Ed O’Bannon could mean college basketball players could make $1 Million a year. Which wouldn’t be as necessary for most of them if they were actually leaving campus with a degree.

The Atlanta Zoo held a birthday party last week for what it calls the world’s oldest living gorilla. Which is a good idea since it wouldn’t be all that practical to hold a birthday party for one that was dead.

The Atlanta Zoo held a birthday party last week for what it calls the world’s oldest living gorilla which just turned 53. Captive gorillas can live up to 50, which means humans are not the only primates any more who have to keep working past their life expectancy.

The FCC is looking into complaints that broadband ISPs are dragging their feet on Internet speed. Who do they think they are, some kind of government bureaucracy?

The National Weather Service is going to replace some of the last human radio forecast announcers still used in Alaska with computerized voices known as Tom and Donna. Apparently they figured they really didn’t have to have humans involved to say “cold”, “bitterly cold” and “snow.”

The Iraqi government is trying to block Facebook, Twitter and Youtube in an attempt to disrupt social media. Mostly because people have found that social media is the best way to disrupt the government.

The Iraqi government is trying to block Facebook, Twitter and Youtube in an attempt to disrupt social media. Although there is no better way to create even more political dissent than stopping people from showing pictures the falafel they just ate for lunch.

MLS is planning on making soccer even safer in regards to concussions suffered by players. The only problem is trying to prevent the concussions from the fans who hit their head when they nod off and fall down while trying to watch the games.

Microsoft says it is committing to recycle cellphones, PCs and other electronic devices. Mostly because the devices that are most likely to end up in the trash heap are the ones operated by Windows 8.

A survey says that three of four Americans are unfamiliar with the “Internet of Things.” Mostly because four out of four men are more concerned about the Internet of Porn.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NBA Finals are over, with the San Antonio Spurs winning in five games over the Miami Heat. It all came down to who wanted it more. Or on Father's Day, which team needed the championship paycheck because they had more children to pay support for. I hope all you dads out there had a great Father's Day. It's good to be recognized on one day because on all the rest we are the ones sending out the love!

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