Friday, June 13, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report outlines how fast food outlets deceive the public with pictures of their items that look much different from what is served at the restaurants. Apparently they got the idea after seeing what Madonna looked like before and after being photoshopped.

A study says that dogs prefer to earn treats rather than have it handed to them. Which shows the researchers doing the study have never had a dog themselves.

A study says that dogs prefer to earn treats rather than have it handed to them. Which is really confusing to dogs when you make them earn their treat by telling them to “beg.”

A study says that dogs prefer to earn treats rather than have it handed to them. Although depending on the dog, sometimes actually handing them a treat can result in the loss of a few fingers.

A food blogger is pushing beer companies to reveal all their ingredients. Have you ever looked at beer drinkers? Does it really look like they are concerned about the ingredients that go into anything they take into their system?

President Obama says the world is less violent than it’s ever been. That is, as long as you stay out of any American schools.

A report says that condom use is down with teenagers. Which shows that video games are the most effective form of birth control, because who is going to have sex with an overweight, antisocial couch potato who hasn’t left their parents’ basement in weeks?

Harrison Ford was reportedly injured on the set of the latest “Star Wars” movie. Apparently he developed a blister on his foot having to walk the extra distance when there were no available handicapped parking spaces.

A report says that young Russians long for the glory days of the Soviet Union. Apparently they are upset that they missed out on the experience of driving a Yugo through military checkpoints on the way to get in line and wait five hours for toilet paper.

The Australian government has reportedly seized $360 Million from bank accounts that have been dormant as little as three years. Americans have been assured that would never happen here. Unless the government found anyone who still actually has a bank account.

A study says a high protein diet lowers the risk of having a stroke. Until the person sees their grocery bill and how much they just paid for their steak dinner.

Experts say that early humans learned to talk by copying birds and monkeys. Although after hearing Lady Gaga sing, researchers say that some may have also taken their cues from goats, barn owls and hyenas.

A Brazilian loggerhead turtle has picked Brazil to win the World Cup. The turtle was picked for its expertise in being about as exciting and fast moving as a World Cup soccer match.

President Obama describes himself as a “good, fun dad.” At least that’s how he feels when he is trying to negotiate legislation with Congress.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says a twenty foot tall sign being placed on the Trump International Hotel and Tower is “architecturally tasteless.” Apparently it wouldn’t be such an eyesore if it said anything other than “Trump.”

The former ex-commander in Iraq says the U.S. left a fragile government to rule the country. Although at least it has finally accomplished the goal of making Iraq more like the U.S.

A survey says that Americans rate the flying experience as bad as going to the DMV. Although the one good part about going to the DMV is coming out with a driver’s license that gives you the option of driving somewhere instead of having to fly.

A survey says that Americans rate the flying experience as bad as going to the DMV. The one difference is that when they take your picture at the DMV, at least it shows you with your clothes on.

Privacy experts say that new changes on Facebook open up an “unprecedented” expansion of data collection. Which is great for anyone who really wants to know what someone has eaten for breakfast every day for the past three years.

The Inspector General says the U.S. spend $3 Million on boats for the War in Afghanistan that were never used. Unfortunately, our troops have only had ten years there to try to find any Afghan water sources.

Ford has cut its mileage ratings on six vehicles, saying they will give refunds to 200,000 customers who bought them. Apparently GM has been able to keep much higher fuel estimates because most of the miles put on their cars are powered by tow trucks.

Starbucks will soon have wireless chargers to allow customers to charge their phones without an electrical outlet. Which will let people who had to sell their car to pay for a large caramel mocha latte to call someone to get a ride home.

A report says that violence in Iraq will likely cause gasoline prices to spike. Which brings up the question as to why haven’t they been rising steadily for the past 30 years?

A report says that violence in Iraq will likely cause gasoline prices to spike. Which makes no difference to Americans who have already spent $1 Trillion on a war there that was supposed to bring oil prices down.

A man accused of stealing Microsoft trade secrets has been sentenced to three months in jail. It would have been longer but the judge realized what business is going to want to pay anything for the technology behind Windows 8?

A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans think the GM and Chrysler bailout was a bad idea. Especially the people who own a Chrysler they can’t get out of the driveway and a GM car that is in the shop being recalled.

Facebook says it will start tracking what users do on other sites. Which is mostly what they can’t do on Facebook, look at pictures of naked women.

President Obama’s doctor says he is in excellent health with occasional nicotine gum use. Mostly because his job keeps him from having to try to get health insurance through Obamacare.

An analysis says that kids tend to put on more pounds during the summer months. Which shows that the healthy meals the kids are being served at school are working, if only because the kids wouldn’t eat anything good for them on a dare.

A study says that kids who are “cool” in middle school often are less cool as adults, having problems with relationships and drug use. The hard part is finding out it’s just not as funny giving the office nerd a wedgie when you are 42 years old.

A study says that kids who are “cool” in middle school often are less cool as adults, having problems with relationships and drug use. The study ended with researchers saying “Nyah, nyah, nyah!”

A study says the Great Recession is being linked to 10,000 suicides in North America and Europe. Mostly from people who lose their job and stay at home watching episodes of “The Kardashians”, “Duck Dynasty” and “Honey Boo Boo.”

A study says that standing up gets employees excited for meetings. Mostly the ones that know it’s much easier from a standing position to be able to jump out a window.

A study says that American teens are fighting less, smoking less and having less sex. Mostly because if you aren’t having sex there isn’t anything to fight over and nothing to have a cigarette after.

A report says that World Cup referees run up to six miles during a game. That doesn’t even include the ones who make a call against the home team end up running another ten miles after the game.

Studies say that treating sleep apnea may lower the risk of heart disease. Mostly by taking away the stress of being hit in the head all night by their partner who can’t sleep because of their constant snoring.

A study says that eating processed red meat may raise the risk of heart failure. Especially for fans at Yankee stadium who realize they just paid $27 to eat a four inch long hot dog.

Miss USA is denying she moved from California to Nevada in order to win a state title. She says if she wanted to increase the odds of winning a beauty pageant she would have moved to Arkansas.

The reality show “I Wanna Marry Harry”, where women are fooled by a Prince Harry look-alike has been pulled by Fox after four episodes. What does that say about the Royal Family when even their impersonators can’t keep a real job?

A former CBS TV sports executive says he is against paying college athletes. Mostly because it might mean less money going where it should be, in the pockets of TV sports executives.

A former CBS TV sports executive says he is against paying college athletes. This comes from someone who works at a network that thought nothing of paying people to produce “Two Broke Girls.”

Golfer Shane Lowry says the USGA was making fun of his weight when he was paired at the U.S. Open with portly partners Kevin Stadler and Brendon de Jonge. The worst part was trying to get relief from having to play out of each others’ footprints.

Golfer Shane Lowry says the USGA was making fun of his weight when he was paired at the U.S. Open with portly partners Kevin Stadler and Brendon de Jonge. If John Daly was added to the group they would all have had to walk down the fairways single file.

Phil Mickelson has been cleared of any wrongdoing in an investigation of insider trading. Which means the biggest insider trading scandal to hit the PGA Tour is still Tiger Woods swapping out Elin Nordegren for a series of Carrows waitresses.

A historian is arguing with an explorer who claims to have found the wreckage of Columbus’ Santa Maria, saying the ship never sank. Apparently the explorers may have just come upon the remains of a galleon that was part of the Carnival Cruise fleet back in the 15th century.

A new smart cup tells the user how many calories, caffeine or alcohol is in their drink. It also tells the person what they could be buying instead with the money they are wasting when they pour in a large caramel mocha latte from Starbucks.

A study says that people are losing patience with apps that don’t work. Fortunately, some programmers say they have just developed a new $5 app for that.

A study says that people are losing patience with apps that don’t work. They would much rather have more practical apps at their disposal, like one that warns them they are about ready to hit a tree while they are texting behind the wheel.

A study says that people are losing patience with apps that don’t work. Which doesn’t make sense since apps that give you a mustache, crazy mouth or put cutouts of cats on pictures are only working if they are completely wasting your time.

Google is reportedly ready to launch its new fitness tracker, Google Fitness. Which pretty much tells people how much sooner they will die from the effects of sitting in front of their computer all day.

Google is reportedly ready to launch its new fitness tracker, Google Fitness. For instance, it tells them how fast and far they will have to run to get away from the angry mob that is chasing them for wearing Google Glass into a bar.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The U.S. Open is underway at Pinehurst in North Carolina. It’s four days of grueling competition which turns into a survival test against the elements and their fellow man. Or as most other people know it, booking a flight on United Airlines. It’s not the same without Tiger Woods in the field this year. For one thing, attendance is down by several thousand without his girlfriends showing up to watch. It’s also Father’s Day weekend, the day when we all call our dads and talk for thirty seconds before they ask if we want to talk to our mother. Hope all you dads out there have a great weekend, and hopefully your kids will all be calling to send the love!

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