Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A study says that rats are capable of feeling regret after making wrong choices. Although usually the only wrong choice a rat makes is going for that piece of cheese in the rat trap.

A study says that rats are capable of feeling regret after making wrong choices. After doing something wrong they were observed on several occasions to mutter “Rats!”

Hillary Clinton says that she and Bill came out of the White House “dead broke.” Which is not to be confused with after finding about Monica Lewinsky all the White House China she broke trying to make Bill dead.

Hillary Clinton says that she and Bill came out of the White House “dead broke.” That’s what happens when you try to take on a house with 132 rooms and 35 bathrooms for a family of three.

92 year old producer Norman Lear says ageism is keeping him from getting another series on the air. Except at CBS where they said they would consider a show for 92 year olds as children’s programming.

Rolls Royce is reportedly planning to open a showroom in Cambodia. Which shows at least a few of those five year olds there were able to save up and do something with that $1.50 they were making a day working in the local Nike factory.

The Treasury Department says that banks share “suspicious” transactions with spy agencies. Of course, it is considered suspicious these days when any American has enough money left over to open a bank account.

Detroit is reportedly relying on cash from three area casinos to fund a recovery from the city’s bankruptcy. Apparently the gambling establishments are making a fortune from locals who are still betting that the Lions will win some games this season.

Detroit is reportedly relying on cash from three area casinos to fund a recovery from the city’s bankruptcy. The sad part is that gambling addicts are finding that putting up their house mortgage for a bet get sent over to the two dollar tables.

The world’s oldest man has died at the age of 111. He reportedly went peacefully. How else are you going to go out at 111?

A computer program using artificial intelligence was able to convince people it was a real 13 year old boy. Which before was only able to be accomplished by real middle aged men on Myspace.

A California teacher allegedly forced some of his students to take him to a Jack In The Box restaurant at knifepoint. Other teachers were shocked. He actually figured out how to get his students to follow instructions.

A California teacher allegedly forced some of his students to take him to a Jack In The Box restaurant at knifepoint. The kids are just lucky he wanted to go to a fast food restaurant. They would have been in real trouble if he told them to drive to the library.

A study says that long term unemployment can lead to depression. Which is probably why when everyone is out of work it is called a depression.

A study says that long term unemployment can lead to depression. And vice versa.

A Florida man was arrested after beating his brother with marijuana plants. His brother was surprised, saying he thought they were buds.

A Florida man was arrested after beating his brother with marijuana plants. He is being charged with committing a public stoning.

A report says that 16 Million households around the world are now millionaires. Those are the people who still have their household because they didn’t buy it with a subprime mortgage.

A report says that one in ten New Yorkers don’t have a bank account. Those are the ones that have enough money where they can’t afford to put it somewhere that gets them .05% interest on their savings.

A report says that one in ten New Yorkers don’t have a bank account. The other nine will have one just long enough until all the monthly bank fees bleed them dry.

An audit of the VA says that long waits to see doctors are widespread. Or as other Americans call that, going to the doctor’s office.

A man was injured when an elevator in Chile went up 30 floors in just 15 seconds. Apparently it was the only one where a five year old didn’t press all the other buttons when they got to their floor.

The Ugandan who was named to head the U.N. Assembly is being criticized for the country’s record on human rights. Mostly the fact that they are making all their citizens live in Uganda.

The U.S. standard of living index is at a six year high. Mostly because since the economic crash we gave up on having any standards.

A poll says that most casual fans are watching the NBA Finals to watch LeBron James lose. He just did what everyone else in Cleveland wants to do, move to Florida before they are 80.

Lawsuits are being filed against GM by car owners who say their vehicles lost value because of all the recalls. Which are going to cost a lot less money than the lawsuits from people who were involved in crashes because there were no recalls.

Lawsuits are being filed against GM by car owners who say their vehicles lost value because of all the recalls. Owners say if they wanted to buy a car that lost all its value when they drove it off the lot, they would have gone with a Chrysler.

Toyota has announced it is advancing the production date of a hydrogen fuel-call car. Because with Toyota, once they start they find it nearly impossible to stop.

The Big Three automakers are donating $26 Million to save Detroit’s art collection. Although it’s tough to trust the artistic judgment of companies that gave us the Pontiac Aztek, the Ford Pinto and the Chevy Chevette.

A Detroit judge has delayed the start of the Detroit bankruptcy trial by nearly a month. Apparently he wants to wait until his latest paycheck from the city clears his bank.

The 50th anniversary of “Fiddler On The Roof” was celebrated in New York. Most New York mothers hate the idea of the play, thinking “20 years of violin lessons and he ends up on a roof?”

Seattle Seahawks are raising their ticket prices 32% following last year’s Super Bowl win. In a related move, entrances into FirstEnergy Stadium for Cleveland Browns games will have signs posted saying “Donations accepted.”

President Obama is making it easier on student loan borrowers, letting them pay for 20 years or until they have paid the balance, whichever comes first. Which would pretty much be the 20 years.

The world’s oldest man who just died at age 111 was still younger than 65 women around the world. When they hear 40 year old women complaining the dating field is small because of their age, they say “Tell us about it!”

A study says that a compound in red wine may improve the memory. Which is just more bad news for anyone who drinks to forget.

A study says that children who are more physically fit also perform better academically. At least that is the theory researchers are working on until they actually find a child who is physically fit.

A study says that early fist fights may have driven the evolution of the human face. Although if that were true, we would probably all look a lot more like Mickey Rourke.

Jennifer Lopez has reportedly pulled out of the World Cup opening ceremonies. Apparently she was getting annoyed at always being frisked by security guards who thought she was trying to leave with two soccer balls stuffed into the seat of her pants.

A judge has ruled that Casey Kasem should be fed and hydrated while his health is evaluated. The only problem is figuring out how to use an intravenous tube to feed him a Scooby Snack.

Halle Berry has been ordered to pay $16,000 a month in child support to her former boyfriend for their 6 year old daughter. Which pretty much takes care of the college fund, mortgage payments and retirement account by the time she is 7.

Halle Berry has been ordered to pay $16,000 a month in child support to her former boyfriend for their 6 year old daughter. Which is what happens when you give your preteen a taste of shopping at Burberry and Dolce & Gabbana.

California Chrome owner Steve Coburn has apologized for his post Belmont Stakes rant. Apparently he just needs to become more polished.

Basketball coach John Calipari has turned down a $60 Million offer from the Cleveland Cavaliers to remain at the University of Kentucky. The same offer was turned down by the guy who sweeps the floor of the basketball court at UK saying $60 Million just isn’t enough to make them move to Cleveland.

The Jacksonville Jaguars will have poolside cabanas installed at their stadium. Mostly because season ticket holders would rather watch people play “Marco Polo” than sit through an entire four quarters trying to cheer for the Jaguars.

A new “smart” football helmet can help detect concussions. For instance, it senses something may be wrong when the player still wants to put the helmet on when it has a Cleveland Browns logo on the side.

A police department in New Hampshire had their computers taken over by a virus that seizes up the system and demands cash. Which other people know as signing on for Internet service with AOL.

Sam’s Club is offering the first computer chip embedded smart credit card. If the card is that smart, it wouldn’t allow the user to buy the Sam’s Club daily special of half price off a five gallon drum of mayonnaise.

Amtrak is reportedly upgrading its on board Wi-Fi system. That way passengers will be able to post pictures online of the train they are riding when it crashes even before the rescue teams arrive.

Amtrak is reportedly upgrading its on board Wi-Fi system. They have been flooded with complaints of slow speeds and crashing. Which are hard to sort out from the same complaints they keep getting about the trains.

The NSA says its system is too complex to stop them from deleting data that can be used against them as evidence. To which all the major banks are saying “You can do that?”

A study says the average smartphone costs about a quarter a year in electricity to charge. Which is nothing compared to the increase in car insurance costs after driving a couple of vehicles into trees from using the smartphone to text while behind the wheel.

A report says that new battery technology will allow battery operated cars to go 1,100 miles between charges. The only problem is that even at top speed it will take the cars seven weeks to travel 1,100 miles.

A study says that cybercrime losses amount to $400 Billion annually worldwide. Economists were shocked. No one had any idea that eBay did that much business in a year.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you enjoyed the jokes today. That would make for a nice change. If you would like to reward me for my efforts, just put a quarter in the slot on the side of your computer and that would make for a nice donation. Although the last person who tried that says that they can’t play DVDs anymore. Oh, well. Must have been an HP model. In the meantime, if you don’t have any spare change lying around you can always just start typing away and instead just send the love!

No comments: