Sunday, June 01, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Phil Mickelson is being investigated for insider trading because of some suspiciously timed investments in Clorox. Which means he may also be up on charges for money laundering.

Phil Mickelson is being investigated for insider trading because of some suspiciously timed investments in Clorox. Authorities became suspicious of his activities when they discovered the golf pencil he uses has an eraser.

A study says the world is on the verge of its sixth great extinction, with plants and animal species disappearing 1,000 times faster than before humans arrived. The main causes of species disappearing are chicken nuggets, burgers and pork rinds.

A study says that cat owners are smarter than dog owners. Although some doubts are being raised as the researchers who did the study are listed as Mr. Mittens and Sir Meowsalot.

A report says that one in six American men in their prime working years don’t have jobs. In China, the prime working years for men are from five until they are killed in a work related accident.

A report says that one in six American men in their prime working years don’t have jobs. The other five are just trying to stay employed until they are past their prime working years when they turn 85.

A study says that 29% of the world’s population is overweight or obese. Which means the cause of global warming could be the Earth straining so much to keep turning with all those fat people aboard.

A poll says that fewer Americans are concerned about the age of presidential candidates. Mostly because they like it that their leader will be more like them and have to keep working well after turning 70.

Jacques Cousteau’s grandson is planning on staying a record 31 days under the sea in a laboratory. It will be the longest anyone has stayed underwater other than the people who took out a subprime home loan back in 2007.

A leading neurosurgeon says that bicycle helmets are useless. Mostly because any who actually rides a bike out into traffic where everyone is driving while texting doesn’t have any brains to protect in the first place.

A theme park based on “The Hunger Games” is reportedly in the works. Which is not to be confused with the hunger experienced any Disney theme park by people who find out that $100 buys a couple of churros and a bottled water.

Gerard Depardieu is paying a much lower tax rate in Russia after moving there because of higher taxes in France. Mostly because his income has dropped to nearly zero as even the Russians aren’t willing to buy into the idea that he is some kind of sex symbol.

“The Arsenio Hall Show” has been cancelled after just one season. Which is sad news for anyone still living in 1994 who thought that if the program was successful it would help bring back “All American Girl.”

“The Arsenio Hall Show” has been cancelled after one season. Or as Conan O’Brien calls that, a pretty good run.

The author of a new book claims that earthquakes can be predicted. Apparently his method is taking his new book, placing it on a coffee table and when it falls off there could be an earthquake happening.

The author of a new book claims that earthquakes can be predicted. The hard part is figuring out when Chris Christie will actually fall out of bed.

It has been record of more than 3,100 days since a major hurricane has made landfall in the U.S. Apparently BP is taking credit for spilling so much oil in the Gulf of Mexico that any tropical storms fizzle out by trying to suck up all the goo on top of the water.

A new federal database will reportedly be used to track Americans’ credit rating and other financial information. Which is causing real privacy issues for the three Americans who still have a credit rating or any money left in the bank.

A San Francisco woman was found to be breeding rats and releasing them from her apartment. Apparently she was just homesick for where she used to live in New York City.

A set of triplets has graduated together from the University of Delaware. Not only that, they all belonged to the sorority Delta Delta Delta.

A set of triplets has graduated together from the University of Delaware. The triplets’ goal after graduating is to be as successful as their parents who made enough money to send three kids through college at the same time.

The prolonged drought has brought gold prospectors back to California. Mostly people who are looking to find enough gold in the dry creek beds to be able to pay off this month’s water bill.

A scientist at Temple University says the way to protect the central U.S. from tornadoes is to build giant walls 1,000 feet high and 150 feet wide. Apparently he got the idea from seeing there are virtually no tornadoes in China.

A scientist at Temple University says the way to protect the central U.S. from tornadoes is to build giant walls 1,000 feet high and 150 feet wide. Mostly to keep people trapped inside those areas so we don’t have to hear them talk about all the tornadoes that are touching down.

More than 12,000 Europeans have told Google they want to be erased from the Internet. To which Anthony Weiner is saying “Why weren’t they able to do this three years ago?”

More than 12,000 Europeans have told Google they want to be erased from the Internet. That means millions of others actually don’t mind people seeing their drunk and naked selfies on Facebook.

More than 12,000 Europeans have told Google they want to be erased from the Internet. When it comes to Europeans being forgotten on the Internet, most people would be happy as long as the list included Piers Morgan.

Donald Sterling faces a $662 Million tax bill if the sale of the Clippers for $2 Billion goes through. That amount is only surpassed by the amount that is now in the jar in his kitchen that his wife is making him put a dollar in every time he makes a racial slur.

Sonic and Chili’s restaurants are telling patrons to leave their guns at home, joining a similar request from Chipotle. We’ll know the restaurant community is really serious about keeping guns out when the same policy is instituted at the Waffle House.

Allstate Insurance is testing a smartphone app that monitors people’s driving habits. Although the best thing that insurance companies could do to make their clients safer is to tell them to leave their cellphones at home when they are driving.

Sports experts are puzzled at how Steve Ballmer plans to make a profit by paying $2 Billion for the L.A. Clippers. They forget that this is the same man who managed to make billions of dollars selling computers that operated on Windows 8.

Donald Sterling is suing the NBA for $1 Billion. Only a man who was outed for making racial slurs and is selling his team for a $1.88 Billion profit would try to claim that he was somehow a victim.

A study says that when people weigh themselves, men should subtract two and a half pounds and women two pounds for the clothes they are wearing. Which means that Kim Kardashian can take off 15 pounds if she is wearing something covering her backside.

A study says that when people weigh themselves, men should subtract two and a half pounds and women two pounds for the clothes they are wearing. That means most Americans would be around average weight if they were wearing a suit of armor.

A survey says that most doctors would choose not to be resuscitated if they suffered a terminal illness. However, they do recommend that their patients allow themselves to be resuscitated in a similar situation at least long enough to pay their medical bills.

A study says that sperm are highly adept at swimming against the current. Especially if they belong to a Trekkie who has a much tougher task in even getting that far with a woman in the first place.

A survey says that half of the dogs and 58% of cats in America are overweight. The rest are in good shape because their owners are obese and never have any leftovers to feed their pets.

A study says that eating white bread can make people obese. Especially if the white bread is being used to house a pound of ham, five slices of cheese and a half a container of mayonnaise.

A study says the favorite day for people to start on a diet is Monday. The only problem is that it is Monday, March 6th, 2033.

Nursing homes in Germany are serving residents 3D printed food. Which most seniors find the taste of paper, ink and toner matches up well against the flavor and texture of most German food.

Medicare says it may soon cover sex change surgery. Apparently it is becoming a popular idea for retired men who read that women have a much longer life expectancy.

Medicare says it may soon cover sex change surgery. Which works out  because once you hit 65, men and women pretty much dress the same anyway.

A Pennsylvania man is being charged with stealing $350,000 in human skin from a hospital. The only question is why did Chris Christie come all the way to Pennsylvania for a tummy tuck?

A paper in the Journal of Consumer Research makes an attempt at defining what is “cool.” For one thing, the best way to get taken off the list is to have anything to do with the Journal of Consumer Research.

“Gravity” has won the top prize for the movie trailer of the year. How widespread is ADD when people are giving awards for cutting down movies to the best two minutes?

“Gravity” has won the top prize for the movie trailer of the year. What do you call a thirty second clip of an Adam Sandler movie? The good part.

“Gravity” has won the top prize for the movie trailer of the year. The winning statuette is called the Osc.

Former major leaguer Johnny Damon says he was booted out of baseball because he refused to use PEDs. Baseball experts were shocked. That caveman protruding forehead wasn’t from using steroids?

A report says that $5 Million in payments were made for votes to get support for Qatar to host the World Cup in 2022. Apparently it was legal since none of the money was exchanged by anyone touching it with their hands.

A report says that $5 Million in payments were made for votes to get support for Qatar to host the World Cup in 2022. And everyone thought that in soccer, kickbacks were something that was done on the field.

The FCC says it may redefine the term “broadband.” Which now means any Internet access that doesn’t come from AOL.

A new app helps find lost cellphones when the owner yells “Marco!” and it yells back “Polo!”. The reason it plays Marco Polo is because after two or three times of hearing that, whomever finds the phone will toss it into the pool.

Psy’s “Gangnam Style” video has become the first clip to get more than 2 Billion views on Youtube. Coming in with the second most views is a video of a cat playing a piano while a hamster eats a cracker to “Gangnam Style.”

Psy’s “Gangnam Style” video has become the first clip to get more than 2 Billion views on Youtube. The other 5 Billion people on the planet are asking “Whatever happened to Psy”?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Speaking of those 7 Billion people on the planet, we need to do our best to get every one of them into the habit of reading this blog on a daily basis. Just think how much money that would generate! It would be whatever that amount is more than what I am making now. Remember, the only reason I am doing this now is because of the rush I get when you all send the love!

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