Sunday, May 04, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Rob Schneider says the country is sliding towards fascism. Mostly because everyone realizes we need to clamp down on freedom to prevent someone from making another “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigalo.”

A study says that using mobile technology for work is linked to higher stress. Especially when you text your friends a joke about your boss and accidentally send it out on your work phone.

Google faces an antitrust lawsuit over Internet searches. The worst part for the defense is that the plaintiffs put together their whole case by looking up all the evidence on Google. 

Psychiatrists say that anxiety among young people is increasing from doomsday talk about global warming. Although when kids start sweating more, it might not be from anxiety as much as maybe it’s just actually getting hotter.

A London condo has sold for $237 Million unfurnished. Which means if it was bought by a bachelor that is pretty much how it is going to stay.

A London condo has sold for $237 Million unfurnished. Which means the buyer basically bought four walls for about $60 Million each.

A woman gave birth on a British Airways plane flying to London. The airline was caught off guard, not knowing whether to charge a fee for bringing on extra luggage or making her pay for another seat.

A 116 year old Peruvian woman says the key to longevity is eating a natural diet of potatoes, goat milk and beans. At least eating that for every meal will make you feel that you have lived a long time.

A 116 year old Peruvian woman says the key to longevity is eating a natural diet of potatoes, goat milk and beans. Although the real question is why would someone want to live in Peru for 116 years?

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that 92 Million Americans are not participating in the work force. Which then brings up the point of why do we even have a Bureau of Labor Statistics?

Actor George Clooney and Casino magnate Steve Wynn are locked in a feud with Wynn claiming that Clooney is a socialist who thinks everything should be handed to everyone, while Wynn is a capitalist who thinks it should all be handed to him.

Embattled Clippers owner Donald Sterling says he wishes he had “just paid off” the woman who recorded his race-tinged phone conversation. Or he could have just at some point stopped being a complete racist.

A rare goblin shark was caught off the coast of Florida. Although you would think it would be more rare when a shark is found that isn’t gobblin’. (There is nothing wrong with a little third grade humor on occasion...)

The TSA found 81 pounds of marijuana in checked bags at Oakland International Airport. No one even knew that Miley Cyrus was picking up her tour again so soon after getting out of the hospital.

A court has ruled that Samsung must pay Apple $120 Million for patent infringement. The original verdict was $100 Million but tacked on another 20% for the Apple name.

The University of Georgia is being sued for limiting protests to Free Speech zones that cover 1% of the campus. That’s the place you will find the students who wish to display or wear something other than the Confederate Flag.

The University of Georgia is being sued for limiting protests to Free Speech zones that cover 1% of the campus. The other 99% of the campus is set aside for beer gardens, shooting ranges and truck rodeos.

Donald Sterling’s former girlfriend V. Stiviano says that Sterling is not a racist. It’s true. It sounds like he pretty much hates everyone equally, no matter of the color of their skin.

Donald Sterling’s former girlfriend V. Stiviano says that Sterling is not a racist. He just picked the wrong woman to open up to and be honest and himself while she recorded him for blackmail.

The Vatican says it will craft sex abuse protocols. Which is about as late as Donald Sterling offering to take Magic Johnson out to lunch sometime.

Authorities in Tijuana have seized 44 tons of marijuana. Which as immediately followed by the announcement that Miley Cyrus is canceling the Mexico leg of her tour.

News Corp says it will buy Canadian romance publisher Harlequin. The Fox News parent corporation knows their viewers can’t wait for a novel that features Mitt Romney rescuing Sarah Palin as the Russians invade Alaska while John McCain yells at them to get off his lawn.

GM CEO Mary Barra told graduates of the University of Michigan to quickly fix their problems. Now the only question is what exactly is “quick” when you are talking about paying off $100,000 in college loans without a job?

GM CEO Mary Barra told graduates of the University of Michigan to quickly fix their problems. Just look how fast GM was able to get the government to bail them out after they went belly up.

The CDC says that there are five causes for two thirds of the deaths in the U.S. McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Burger King, KFC and Taco Bell.

The CDC says that there are five causes for two thirds of the deaths in the U.S. Fast food, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs and leaving your Facebook page open so your wife can see who you have been messaging.

Scientists are debating on whether to destroy the remaining smallpox virus that is kept stored in a laboratory. It is kept along with the other most deadly collection of virus and bacteria, a pair of Paris Hilton’s panties.

Researchers say that more strokes tend to occur during geomagnetic storms. Especially when they are strong enough to knock out communications systems and people find they can’t access Facebook for more than a few minutes.

Brain scans have help scientists find possible clues to chronic fatigue syndrome. Apparently it is most often found in scientists who have to sit around analyzing brain scans all day.

A study says that using a middle initial makes people appear smarter to others. Apparently the study was done before George W. Bush took office.

A Boston hospital is the first to use Google Glass in the ER. Although so far it has pretty much just been used by the doctors to shoot pictures of the nurses when they are bending over.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly gotten a “confidential” marriage license in Los Angeles. Although after a sex tape, reality show and 72 day marriage to NBA player Kris Humphries, the question is can she do anything that is actually confidential?

Eddie Murphy is set to star in a new “Beverly Hills Cop” movie to come out in 2016. It will reportedly be based on real life Beverly Hills Police Department cases, where Murphy will escort Lindsay Lohan to court and then to jail where her sentence will be commuted after three hours.

Efram Zimbalist, Jr., star of “The FBI” has died at age 95. He played Inspector Lewis Erskine. The role would have been as Director J.Edgar Hoover but producers wanted to save money by only needing a men’s wardrobe department.

Ben Affleck was banned for life from the Las Vegas Hard Rock casino after he was caught counting cards at Blackjack. That’s what happens when you sit at the same gaming table as V. Stiviano.

Two jockeys were injured in a horse race at Churchill Downs before the Kentucky Derby. The next race included two new jockeys as the ones who almost had their horses fall on them were also having to a pair of new jockeys.

A soccer fan in Brazil was killed when fans tore out toilets from a rest room and threw them over the railings. That will teach those people to learn that they need to put down the vuvuzelas once in awhile.

A soccer fan in Brazil was killed when fans tore out toilets from a rest room and threw them over the railings. And people in the states think it is in bad taste to throw a baseball from the other team back on the field.

Ryan Braun has been placed on the disabled list after straining an oblique. It’s the first time the word “oblique” has been used with Ryan Braun since his denials about using steroids.

A study says that modern humans are no brainier than Neanderthals. Which may be true. It was modern humans who came up with the idea for a reality show about the Kardashians.

A study says that modern humans are no brainier than Neanderthals. After all, how many Neanderthals were killed while texting and driving?

A “Star Trek” style device that fits in the hand can be used to analyze the nutritional value in food. Although when is the last time you saw a Trekkie who looks like they have any interest in the nutritional value of what they eat?

A study says that Microsoft Office applications are barely used by many employees. Which is mostly because the computers the applications are on are are always down because they are run by Microsoft Windows.

NASA is seeking help through crowdsourcing to find ways to detect and track asteroids that could hit the Earth. Although if there is anything more likely to hit the Earth than an asteroid, it is something launched at some point by NASA.

A study says that a tsunami may have destroyed a North Sea paradise called Doggerland 8,000 years ago. Of course, it is now considered a paradise by comparison when you consider the only places left to live in the North Sea are oil rigs and Scotland.

A report says that mobile apps are replacing cash on most college campuses. Mostly because everyone’s cash disappears when they have to come up with their tuition payment.

A report says that mobile apps are replacing cash on most college campuses. They have also mostly replaced radios, TVs, friends and any need for human contact.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I write these jokes every day for you all, and ask nothing in return. Which most people would say is a pretty reasonable trade. But every time this year, I do ask for a contribution to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the picture of us and the rest is easy. Any amount will be appreciated. When you do, I will be the one sending the love!

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