Friday, May 30, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Sweden is testing a future where people work less and have more free time. Mostly because any Swedes who can’t get a job with Volvo or IKEA are pretty much left with collecting unemployment.

Washington, D.C. is seeing a copycat of a San Francisco man who drops envelopes full of cash around town. Until now, anyone dropping envelopes full of money indiscriminately around D.C. was called a lobbyist.

A report says the U.S. economy shrank for the first time since 2011. The only question is how could anyone actually tell?

An Iranian military commander says the collapse of the U.S. empire is near. In which case anti-Americans in Iran will party like it’s 1399.

Experts say that “chexting”, or emotional relationships developed online is being blamed for destroying marriages and ruining families. How lazy have we gotten that even affairs are being done from the couch?

A Utah high school has edited yearbook pictures of girls to show less skin. Students complained of the way their photoshopped pictures made them look. Which is no big deal because in ten years they will all cringe when they see their yearbook photos anyway.

A Utah high school has edited yearbook pictures of girls to show less skin. If a woman in Utah really wants to look sexy to a man, she will always be seen wearing an apron.

A police officer in New Jersey says he was passed over for promotions because he wouldn’t follow directives from his bosses to target young drivers for more traffic tickets. Older drivers in New Jersey aren’t pulled over for speeding as much as they are to check for bodies in the trunk.

Police in Italy seized 30,000 bottles of falsely labeled premium wine. To which the people at Gallo are saying “They can do that?”

The FDA has announced stricter rules regarding tanning beds. Those are for people who want a tan but because of global warming and the loss of the ozone layer want to stop just short of going out in the sun and risking spontaneous combustion.

The FDA has announced stricter rules regarding tanning beds. In order to scare off people from overuse, the beds will now post warning labels that feature pictures of John Boehner.

A Hawaiian man was fined and given probation after making his 8 year old son walk a mile as punishment for not doing his chores. To which most 8 year olds are asking “What is walking?”

A Hawaiian man was fined and given probation after making his 8 year old son walk a mile as punishment for not doing his chores. Which would really be a crime if they lived in Detroit. But in Hawaii, walking a mile to most people is called a “vacation.”

The U.N. says they are deploying a record 118,000 peacekeepers in 16 missions around the world. It could be even more when it comes time to help out in Wal-Mart stores during the Thanksgiving pre-Christmas holiday sales.

The U.N. says they are deploying a record 118,000 peacekeepers in 16 missions around the world. Which is ironic in that the place that needs most peacekeeping help is on the floor of the U.N. General Assembly.

A California city has dropped a public nuisance complaint against a hot sauce maker. Which was unusual in that most complaints about hot sauce aren’t made during the manufacturing stage but after they have been eaten by the person in the next cubicle.

Search crews say they will move to a new area in the effort to find Malaysia Airlines flight 370. Which for the first time in months will finally give CNN anchors a chance to use the phrase “In other news...”

Search crews say they will move to a new area in the effort to find Malaysia Airlines flight 370. Crews are becoming frustrated, as the only things they have been able to find on the search are Amelia Earhart’s plane, Jimmy Hoffa and Cuba Gooding, Jr.’s career.

The Attorney General of Missouri says the state should be able to make its own lethal injection drugs. Why not just give them a bottle of Viagra all at once and let them die happy?

The Attorney General of Missouri says the state should be able to make its own lethal injection drugs. Isn’t that how Dr. Mengele got his start?

Dish Network says it will accept Bitcoin for payment. Which is kind of sad since they already can’t get enough customers by accepting deposit bottles, cereal box tops or leftover gift cards.

A study says the total cost of car accidents in the U.S. came to $871 Billion in a single year. Which could have easily been double that if all the GM cars were on the road instead of in the shop for the latest recall.

A study says the total cost of car accidents in the U.S. came to $871 Billion in a single year. Of course, that number has come down significantly since Lindsay Lohan had her driver’s license suspended.

California and seven other states are pushing to increase the number of zero emission vehicles on the roads. So far they are having a lot of luck by keeping the price of gas over $4 a gallon because there are no emissions when a car never leaves the driveway.

Wisconsin has the highest ratio of bars to grocery stores in the country at 3 to 1. Mostly because who needs to go to a grocery store when all the bars are offering free brats to go with every draft.

Danville, Illinois has been ranked as the cheapest place to live in the country. Mostly because so many people are willing to pay more to say they don’t live in Danville, Illinois.

Southwest Airlines has been fined $200,000 for deceptive advertising. Apparently the ads implied that fliers would each have a seat to themselves.

Ford is recalling 1.4 Million vehicles in North America. Apparently they are recalling them to the factories that made them in South America.

Ford is recalling 1.4 Million vehicles in North America. Apparently they want to get in on all the free publicity that GM, Toyota and Chrysler have been getting for all their recalls.

Mexico is among the top ten countries in payments to Washington lobbyists. Ironically, they are mostly paying tourism lobbyists to try to get some of their people to come back home once in awhile.

The chief of Amway in India has been arrested for running a pyramid scheme. Otherwise known as the Amway business model.

The chief of Amway in India has been arrested for running a pyramid scheme. It was the biggest pyramid scheme ever uncovered that was somewhere other than in Egypt.

Oklahoma is pushing to allow medical marijuana. Which means as long as someone has a prescription it’s alright, but if not it’s still the death penalty.

A study says that people who lose weight too fast will lose more muscle than if they go more slowly. To which most Americans are saying “Muscle?”

A plan has been announced to sell the erectile dysfunction drug Cialis over the counter. Although anyone who takes it won’t be able to come out from behind the counter until it wears off.

President Obama says he probably had some “mild” concussions when he was younger. Although they were nowhere near as bad as the severe concussions he got after hitting his head against the wall trying to deal with Congress.

A study says that women who speak with “vocal fry” or a creaky low pitched voice are less likely to be hired. Mostly because the men hiring them usually associate that sound with their aunt who was always smoking a cigarette and holding a Martini.

A report says the teen birth rate in the U.S. is at a historically low level. Apparently girls are realizing the importance of education and are waiting to finish middle school before starting a family.

A report says the teen birth rate in the U.S. is at a historically low level. In other words, Kevin Federline is still off the market.

A study says that stress degrades sperm and male fertility. Ironically, the most stress that men are ever under happens too late while they are waiting for the results of the pregnancy test.

A study says that having a baby can become “contagious” between friends, with women tending to get pregnant after their friends give birth. Which means the Octomom and her friends may be responsible for starting another population explosion.

A school district in Oregon has approved giving condoms to 6th graders. Remember when you were in elementary school and the only time the letters “s”, “t” and “d” were used together was in the word “study”?

May ratings showed a loss of viewers for cable news channels. But that could change by the next ratings book when some of the cable channels actually start showing something other than the search for Malaysia Airlines flight 370.

John Schneider says he lied about having southern roots and driving skills to get the part of Bo Luke on “The Dukes of Hazzard.” Even more impressive was his ability to lie and convince producers that he knew how to act.

Former “Teen Mom” star Farrah Abraham says she isn’t a porn star but a sex symbol. Who just happens to take off all her clothes and have sex on camera like a porn star.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West went to an Irish movie theater on their honeymoon. Apparently that was the last place they could go where they didn’t have to eat any Irish food, be stuck standing in the rain or watch a pub brawl.

George Michael is reportedly out of the hospital after a two day stay for an undisclosed illness. But it usually means he has either been driving again or making a stop in a public restroom.

Julia Collins has become the winningest woman on “Jeopardy!” with 18 straight victories. Her goal is to stay on the program long enough to actually compete against a man who would be considered dating material.

John Daly says he lost $55 Million in gambling between 1991 and 2007. Apparently he lost most of it betting on himself to win.

John Daly says he lost $55 Million in gambling between 1991 and 2007. The real question is how did a man whose wife attacked him with a steak knife and who has passed out in Hooter’s parking lots get $55 Million in the first place?

Former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer has reportedly offered to buy the Clippers from Donald Sterling for $2 Billion. Apparently Ballmer has a soft spot for the Clippers whose track record reminds him a lot of Windows Vista.

The CEO of Netflix says that Comcast wants to become a monopoly like the Post Office. The only question is when someone compares a cable company to the Post Office, which one has the right to sue for slander?

Google is admitting it has a diversity problem in the workplace. At least we know they don’t discriminate against anyone with glasses, khaki pants and personal hygiene issues.

Google is admitting it has a diversity problem in the workplace. The problem came to light when someone googled “white male geek” and all that came up was Google.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sunday is June 1st, or as they call that in the northeast this year, “Not winter anymore.” That means that people can just cut back to wearing light jackets and long pants when they go out the next few months. People use these jokes all the time to stay warm. I am told they are excellent to print off and use to light kindling in the fireplace. Just make sure that if your fingers are thawed out enough after the long winter to get on your computer keyboard and remember to send the love!

No comments: