Thursday, May 29, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Voters in Del Norte and Tehama counties in northern California will vote next week on whether to join other counties in forming a new state. People in southern California were surprised at the news. There is a Del Norte and Tehama County in this state?

Google is developing a driverless car that has no steering wheel or brake pedal. Which is no big deal since people who text while driving have no idea where the steering wheel and brake pedal are anyway.

Event planners say there is a growing demand for divorce parties. When asked the cost of throwing such a bash, most men will say about half of what they owned.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will attend a White House summit on sports concussions. In order to see the long term effects of brain damage, all the participants will be given a tour of the Capitol Building.

The Kardashians are moving to the Hamptons for the summer to film a new reality show. Locals are concerned the family might create chaos and ruin their quiet summer. The only thing that would be worse is if they came up with “Duck Dynasty Does Dallas.”

A report says the air in London is worse than in Beijing. People say the only good part is when the air is so stale that it makes it hard to see or smell the British food they are eating.

A study says that most American children are unfit, with half the kids age 12 to 15 being out of shape. The only exception is that because of texting, our children do have the strength of superheroes in their thumbs.

A study says the U.S. childhood obesity epidemic has reached a tipping point. Meaning our kids are so fat they can’t even stand up without falling over anymore.

A study says that most American children are unfit, with half the kids age 12 to 15 being out of shape. The study was based on a treadmill test. Researchers knew things didn’t look good when the kids asked where the hand controllers were located.

Washington, D.C. has reclaimed the top spot in an annual ranking of the most fit cities in the country. There is no one in better shape than the lobbyists who spend their whole day pushing around wheelbarrows full of cash.

Washington, D.C. has reclaimed the top spot in an annual ranking of the most fit cities in the country. The members of Congress spend their entire day running for their next term.

Johnny Depp is reportedly in talks to star in a movie about Houdini. He has a flair for magic, almost making his career disappear after making “The Lone Ranger.”

Johnny Depp is reportedly in talks to star in a movie about Houdini. If O.J. Simpson weren’t in prison he would be up for the role as he already has experience in cutting someone in half.

China held a mass sentencing in a football stadium. Apparently they got the idea for herding scores of criminals onto a football field after watching a Cincinnati Bengals game.

The Supreme Court has struck down Florida’s use of IQ as a basis for determining eligibility for execution. Now that is a harsh interpretation of the implementation of “No Child Left Behind.”

The Supreme Court has struck down Florida’s use of IQ as a basis for determining eligibility for execution. Anyone who has even close to normal intelligence doesn’t get convicted in the first place because they know how to claim the “Stand Your Ground” defense.

Former New England tight end Aaron Hernandez is being charged with killing two men over a spilled drink at a bar. Just how much are they charging for top shelf drinks these days?

Former New England tight end Aaron Hernandez is being charged with killing two men over a spilled drink at a bar. When he said he was going out for some shots, he wasn’t kidding.

Investigators in Oregon are seeking DNA samples in an effort to solve a missing persons case from 1926 where the person in question disappeared after riding a stagecoach. A case involving a stagecoach that can be solved with DNA? This sounds more like a script treatment for “Matlock.”

A report says the whole world has a weight problem. So who says the U.S. is losing its grip on leading the way for the rest of the planet?

A naked woman was arrested while trying to visit her husband in a jail in Virginia. The one part about this case that didn’t surprise anyone is that the woman’s husband was serving time in jail.

Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin says charges that he stole the opening riff of “Stairway To Heaven” are “ridiculous.” He says he was too busy ripping off “Dazed and Confused”, “The Lemon Song” and “Whole Lotta Love.”

Goldman Sachs has compiled a 60 page report on which country will win the World Cup. So we’re supposed to listen to a financial company try to predict which team will win a soccer tournament but had no idea that the world economy was on the brink of collapse in 2007.

The FTC has settled with a company they accused of making false ads about their lice shampoo. It was a pretty smart move by the company. Who is going to file a complaint against a company and let everyone know they had lice?

Chicago is the latest city to propose a $15 minimum hourly wage. Most employees have a good argument that they should at least be making the same amount as anyone in the Cubs bullpen.

A report says that the wealth gap is affecting the U.S. housing market. It has created a conundrum where the richest people want to show they can afford servants but don’t want them to actually live close enough to where they can get to work every day.

The Boeing 787 has been licensed for longer flights by the FAA. If Boeing really wants the plane involved in longer flights they should try to sell some to JetBlue where a flight from New York to Boston can end up taking 12 hours.

Triple A has rated the Toyota Rav4 EV as the top green car in America. Chrysler wondered why they were left off the list. After all, they offer several shades of green paint on all their vehicles.

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio says he wants to drop the ban on ferrets in the city. Apparently people like to have ferrets around because they make good playmates for the rats that live in their buildings.

A study says that caring for a baby changes a man’s brain. The one big change is to make him keep wondering why he thought it was a good idea to not use a condom.

A study says that molecular testing shows that people may be aging faster than they think. Especially when they find out that Larry King is really only 37.

A study says that junk food may be addictive for kids. Apparently also for adults, teenagers and seniors.

A study says that junk food may be addictive for kids. The study was commissioned when it was noticed that Ronald McDonald’s new look included standing on a corner near a school selling Happy Meals out of a trench coat.

A study says that one in five elderly patients are injured while getting medical treatment. The other four keep forgetting which way to go to get to the hospital.

Researchers say they can use lasers to regrow parts of teeth. The next step is to take the process to Alabama and see if they can be as successful in regrowing parts of tooth.

A study says that peer pressure lasts three days before disappearing. Which with teenagers is about the same amount of time they will have any friends if they don’t follow what everyone else is doing.

A study says that indoor tanning is as dangerous as being outside in the Sun. Especially for anyone who happens to get into a tanning bed right after one of the cast members from “Jersey Shore.”

A study says that watching porn can damage men’s brains. Mostly when their wife hits them on the head with a shovel when she catches him watching an online live webcam show.

A study says that cynicism is linked to a greater risk of dementia. To which most people are saying they just don’t believe whatever it was they were just told.

The CDC says that teenagers are less fit than they were ten years ago. Mostly because ten years ago they were three and how fit can you be when you are always wearing a diaper and can’t even leave the living room by yourself?

The CDC says that teenagers are less fit than they were ten years ago. In fact, they are so out of shape the only job they are physically qualified to do is become researchers for the CDC.

A study says that the typical heroin user is now a mid 20s white person living in the suburbs. Apparently that’s what happens when you constantly drive an SUV full of kids to soccer practice every day for ten years.

A study says that the typical heroin user is now a mid 20s white person living in the suburbs. Now that everyone has lost their job and health insurance, abusing prescription pills is now limited to only the soccer moms in gated communities.

Alan Robertson of “Duck Dynasty” says his father Phil is like John the Baptist. In other words, watch out for a spin off show where Phil goes around dunking unsuspecting people in a tank of water.

Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose, who was recently named the singer with the greatest range has named 18 people he says can sing better than he. Apparently they were the first 18 people he saw on the street that day.

Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose, who was recently named the singer with the greatest range has named 18 people he says can sing better than he. People were surprised. Axl Rose has heard of 18 other singers?

The NCAA and the Department of Defense will spend $30 Million to create a concussion database. The Department of Defense is getting involved to allow doctors to examine their people to see how much brain damage they had sustained before coming up with the idea to start the war in Iraq.

Outgoing Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says his replacement must know “the culture” of baseball. Meaning the culture of narcissism, drugs and money.

Outgoing Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says his replacement must know “the culture” of baseball. If they are looking for someone outside the sport who understands the lifestyle of baseball players, the only logical choice is Charlie Sheen.

A study says that dinosaurs survived by shrinking in size. Which is more bad news for people concerned about the future of humans on this planet.

A study says that dinosaurs survived by shrinking in size. But who wants to live their life at one time as a dinosaur only to end up as a lizard?

A peat bog the size of England has been discovered in the Congo. Or as a peat bog the size of England is otherwise called, “England.”

A report says the majority of workers for Google are white and male. Mostly because what women would want to work with and have to deal with being hit on by a bunch of computer geeks all day?

A report says the majority of workers for Google are white and male. Mostly because any woman who applies there withdraws her application after Googling “typical Google worker.”

A report says that Internet use is not growing. Mostly because there are only 24 hours in a day that men can try to access Internet porn sites.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Glad you stopped by to check out the latest jokes. Even more glad (and amazed) you made it all the way to the end. Don’t forget to spread the word about the blog. My goal of 7 Billion daily readers is still off by about 6.999999999999 Billion. I am thinking of changing the name of the blog to “Google” to see if that might help. In any event, all I ever ask in return is that you keep remembering to send the love!

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