Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


An anonymous person has been dropping envelopes stuffed with $100 around San Francisco with clues on where they are on Twitter. $100 is just enough to buy breakfast at a San Francisco restaurant so the finder can then tweet pictures of what they ate.

A report says that data brokers use billions of data points to profile Americans. Which pretty much shows where women shop and which porn sites their husbands use.

Internet journalist Glenn Greenwald says he will publish the names of every American who has been a victim of NSA surveillance. Or as most people used to call that, the phone book.

The BBC dropped the word “girl” from a documentary, saying it was offensive. The worst part is that the documentary was about Justin Bieber.

Iran’s Supreme Leader says the country’s ideals include destroying America. In other words, they are just sitting back watching what we are doing to ourselves.

Iran’s Supreme Leader says the country’s ideals include destroying America. Meaning they haven’t changed their political platform since 1979.

A study says the median pay for U.S. CEOs in 2013 was more than $10 Million. Mostly because there is so much money left over for most companies since they pretty much did away with all their employees back in 2007.

Prince Charles says we will have to reform global capitalism as we know it to tackle climate change. Most people would like to transform over to the Royal Family’s idea of capitalism, where you get paid a fortune without having to work for it.

 Prince Charles says we will have to reform global capitalism as we know it to tackle climate change. Which is a tall order when you realize that capitalism revolves around most people needing to work to make money that they can hand over to Big Oil.

A town in Georgia says that sex toys can only be bought with a doctor’s consent. How awkward is that going to be when a woman tells her husband she needs him to pick up a couple of prescriptions?

Manuel Uribe from Mexico, once listed as the heaviest person in the world at 1,230 pounds has died at age 48. The sad part is that after twelve years he was just that close to making it over the border.

Manuel Uribe from Mexico, once listed as the heaviest person in the world at 1,230 pounds has died at age 48. Funeral arrangements are pending on whether they can find six people who will actually volunteer to be his pallbearers.

Hillary Clinton has released an excerpt from her new book which talks about making hard choices, like getting married or staying married. Which everyone is still wondering if she has actually made that decision yet.

Data says that a college degree is still worth the money it takes to get one. Mostly from the satisfaction of finally paying off the tuition bills after 30 years of payments.

Data says that a college degree is still worth the money it takes to get one and that graduates make 98% more an hour than those without diplomas. Which means that graduates are the ones who actually get to be the manager of the 7-11.

President Obama says it is time to “turn the page” on the decade old war in Afghanistan. Although a lot of people are thinking this is like finishing page one of the Encyclopedia Britannica.

A report says that cleaning up the blight in Detroit could cost $850 Million. Which apparently is the estimate for what it would cost to completely pave over the city.

President Obama has outlined his exit strategy in Afghanistan. Which most people were just glad to hear that after ten years we actually have an exit strategy.

President Obama has outlined his exit strategy in Afghanistan. Which is pretty much spend a trillion dollars on a war that can’t be won and then leave.

President Obama has outlined his exit strategy in Afghanistan. Although most people are more interested in what he is planning for his exit strategy from the White House.

Starbucks is moving into the burger business with its new restaurant La Boulange. Mostly because after paying $7 for a morning cup of coffee, most customers will be lucky to have enough left over to afford a burger for lunch.

A poll says the richest people in China stay fit, eat well and hate pollution. Meaning they got rich as an incentive so they don’t have to live, eat and breathe in China.

A poll says that the richest people in China like fine dining as a hobby. Which in China means that they only eat in restaurants that serve dogs with a pedigree.

The Royal Bank of Scotland says it will be cutting hundreds of jobs in the U.S. Economists were surprised. Scotland has a bank?

McDonald’s is introducing soccer themed French fry boxes to commemorate the World Cup. The boxes all contain advice like “Don’t eat these if you ever want to play in the World Cup.”

President George W. Bush underwent knee replacement surgery in Chicago. Apparently he injured it while kicking the wall and yelling “Cheney wasn’t the President. I was the President!”

President George W. Bush underwent knee replacement surgery in Chicago. Apparently he injured it during his presidency when he kept kicking the can on global warming, the economy and the war in Iraq.

Officials are calling to tear down 10% of the buildings in Detroit. Although if they want to get to the root of the city’s problems, the only structures they need to tear down are city hall and the GM Building. 

China is accusing the U.S. of “unscrupulous” cyber spying on Chinese agencies and businesses. The U.S. denies it. We don’t have time to spy on other countries because we are too busy with surveillance of all Americans.

Hyundai and Kia have overtaken Honda as the greenest automaker in the U.S. Although GM is making a claim as their cars don’t cause any pollution as they are all parked while waiting to be recalled.

Heartburn medicine Nexium is now available over the counter. Mostly because the reason people have heartburn is from the stress of trying to figure out how they are going to pay all their prescription bills.

Two violinists were kicked off a U.S. Airways flight because of a disagreement on where their violins would be stored. Apparently the musicians weren’t aware of the $50 violin storage fee that just went into effect on that flight.

Two violinists were kicked off a U.S. Airways flight because of a disagreement on where their violins would be stored. Mostly because the flight was going to Arkansas and the musicians were mad that they kept being called fiddlers.

An analysis says that airline passengers drink more on flights going to Las Vegas. Mostly because at that point the fliers know they still have enough money in their wallets to afford them.

An analysis says that airline passengers drink more on flights going to Las Vegas. For people who really want to get in the mood on the flight, they book with United and make bets on which day they will arrive at and to what airport their luggage will be sent.

A study says that people shouldn’t trust Wikipedia when it comes to their health, with errors found on nine of ten topics. Which shows it is much better to trust a doctor or hospital which are usually only wrong eight out of ten times.

A study says that people shouldn’t trust Wikipedia when it comes to their health, with errors found on nine of ten topics. On the other hand, Wikipedia doesn’t require health insurance, filling out office forms and the only time you have to wait two hours to be helped is when you log on using AOL.

A report says that dermatologists are skeptical about a new drinkable SPF. Although if nothing else it’s great for people who are having a colonoscopy and want to go into the procedure with a tan lower intestine.

A study is linking the world’s economic slowdown to obesity. You know it’s getting bad when the wealthy are selling all their stock in ExxonMobil and reinvesting in McDonald’s.

A minor league baseball stadium in Rhode Island has put in sun screen dispensers to avoid sunburn. Or they could have just scheduled some more night games.

A minor league baseball stadium in Rhode Island has put in sun screen dispensers to avoid sunburn. To which the people running the Mariners’ Safeco Field in Seattle are asking “What’s sun screen?”

A report says that scientists will try the first suspended animation experiments on humans. Apparently they want to slow down operations and not finish them until the patient is able to pay off their bill.

A report says that scientists will try the first suspended animation experiments on humans. Or as people in Los Angeles know suspended animation, rush hour on the 405 Freeway.

A study says that exercise reduces mobility problems in older people. The only problem is now that the elderly can get around they have to keep asking themselves again where were they going?

A report says that vision training is being utilized to help athletes perform better. However, it would be a lot easier on everyone if sports leagues would instead give vision training to all the referees so they wouldn’t make so many bad calls.

The Duggar family has gone to a fertility clinic to see if they can get any help towards adding to their brood of 19 kids. Even Kevin Federline is telling them maybe they need to take a break.

The Duggar family has gone to a fertility clinic to see if they can get any help towards adding to their brood of 19 kids. The Duggars asking for help with fertility is like Warren Buffett asking someone on the street if they have any good stock tips.

Madonna reportedly skipped out on jury duty in New York. She should just feel lucky she didn’t have to face a jury of her peers for “Shanghai Surprise.”

A 19 year old man caused an accident in Oregon when he passed out after holding his breath through a tunnel. Apparently he was just practicing for what he needed to do when he reached Tacoma, Washington.

“Friends” star David Schwimmer helped police solve a stabbing by letting them look at his home security surveillance video. The only problem was that he wouldn’t turn over the tapes until he could make ending credits that listed him as writer, producer and director.

Serena and Venus Williams’ 72 year old father Richard has a 22 month old son who he says doesn’t want to see play tennis. Mostly because at his age he is more interested in teaching him the finer points of playing shuffleboard.

Donald Sterling says he has been offered $2.5 Billion for the Clippers. There could even be a bigger offer if all the people in L.A. pool their money just to make him go away.

Donald Sterling says he has been offered $2.5 Billion for the Clippers but says he will fight the league’s attempt to force him to sell. Forget the racism. Anyone who fights a $2.5 billion offer on a $12 Million investment is a complete idiot.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you all had a good Memorial Day Weekend. It was good to remember all the soldiers who fought for Americans to have the right to blog jokes like these. Well, come to think of it maybe freedom is a bit overrated. I just wish someone had taken away my freedom to plunk down $7 to see “Neighbors” with Seth Rogen. Possibly the worst movie of all time. Just trying to save you a little money in the process. And all you have to do in return is make sure to remember to send the love!

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