Monday, May 26, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Orlando, Florida has been listed as the most dangerous city for pedestrians. Mostly for the people who can’t walk anywhere at Disneyworld without being completely ripped off for any food, drinks or souvenirs.

CNN President Jeff Zucker says the network is playing down climate change because it generates no ratings. Unless global warming is ever proven to have something to do with the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines flight 370.

CNN President Jeff Zucker says the network is playing down climate change because it generates no ratings. Which judging by the audience the rest of their coverage gets, pretty soon they will be just showing cartoons.

A California man went on a killing spree in Santa Barbara because he says he couldn’t get any dates. Authorities immediately put a lockdown on the entire Silicon Valley. (Too soon?)

The USDA is warning people about sticker shock on the price of beef during the upcoming grilling season. Although no grilling is anywhere near expensive as the amount of time that Congress is wasting questioning each other about what happened in Benghazi.

The USDA is warning people about sticker shock on the price of beef during the upcoming grilling season. In fact, “rare” doesn’t refer to how the beef is cooked as much as how often it shows up on the table.

Doctors are urging fist bumps over handshakes as a way to fight illness. An even better way to keep people healthier by less hand contact is to urge patients to stop wrapping their fingers around a triple Whopper.

A study says that the most common road rage triggers are driving slow in the fast lane, tailgating and texting while driving. Or trying to give a traffic ticket to Mel Gibson.

A study says that the most common road rage triggers are driving slow in the fast lane, tailgating and texting while driving. Or in Tiger Woods’ case, cheating on your wife and forgetting to hide the 9 iron.

Former Polish President Lech Walesa says the U.S. is no longer a world leader. When asked if he meant militarily, economically or diplomatically, he said “Yes.”

Former Polish President Lech Walesa says the U.S. is no longer a world leader. How bad is it when someone who came to prominence during the Carter Administration says we have become weak?

Researchers say that cameraphones are ruining people’s memories because they miss the moment while they are recording it. The only thing that they don’t miss because of their cellphone is the tree they run into while texting behind the wheel.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were married in Italy. Asked why the Pope didn’t perform the wedding, Kanye says he wouldn’t feel right having the ceremony conducted by a subordinate.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were married in Italy. Apparently they wanted to take advantage of the time change to give them an extra eight hours to add on to how long they have been married on their way to beating her last marriage of 72 days.

Donald Sterling has signed control of the Clippers over to his wife who wants to stop the league from forcing an involuntary sale of the team. She wants the term “involuntary” to just be a description of her husband’s conversations.

The oldest American woman has turned 115 years old in Detroit. If she can hang on another few months she will achieve her dream of outliving the city.

Kanye West says his wife Kim Kardashian is more beautiful than he is talented. If that’s all he was interested in finding, he would have been just as happy marrying Rosie O’Donnell.

“Harry Potter” actress Emma Watson graduated from Brown University with a degree in English Literature. Which is ironic since she already made millions of dollars from reading just one series of books by an English author.

President Obama is set to outline a more limited approach to foreign policy. People were surprised. How can our foreign policy possibly be any more limited?

President Obama is set to outline a more limited approach to foreign policy in a speech at Wes Point. Cadets at West Point get nervous when they are included in foreign policy talks because it usually means invading somewhere that has oil.

Carnival Cruise Line’s CEO says the cruise industry’s biggest problem is people who have negative preconceived notions about what happens on cruises. Mostly from watching cable news channels about the latest disaster involving a Carnival ship.

The lawyer who is suing Led Zeppelin for stealing the riff to “Stairway To Heaven” has already been sanctioned for “egregious conduct” in a separate copyright infringement case. Like for taking more than 40 years to realize that a classic song might sound like another tune.

Amazon says it will be using 10,000 robots in its warehouses by the end of the year. That means Amazon will have nearly as many robots on the floor as Best Buy.

Italy says it plans to count prostitution and illegal drug sales in its GDP. Which means if that is allowed, Detroit could take itself out of bankruptcy by next Thursday.

New apps are making online dating easier. The ironic part is that everyone is getting dates with the apps except the people who designed them.

A report says that seven states are running out of water because of prolonged drought. The states are California, Nevada, Arizona, Texas, Kansas, Oklahoma and New Mexico. The only question is how do those states even know when there is a drought?

A report says that seven states are running out of water because of prolonged drought. One of those states is California, where a drought emergency is declared when the Perrier delivery truck is more than an hour late.

A poll says that small business owners feel that being able to make decisions is the most rewarding part about owning a company. Although in this economy that includes deciding to work weekends and holidays, voting to invest your life savings and being able to choose the precise moment to declare bankruptcy.

A survey says that many Americans are afraid they will go broke in retirement. Although most financial experts say that is not realistic. Most will be wiped out by there medical bills long before they can even think of retiring.

A survey says that many Americans are afraid they will go broke in retirement. The good news is that most Americans will only have to have enough money for a couple of years since they won’t be able to retire until they are well into their 90s.

A British doctor livestreamed a cancer surgery he was performing while wearing Google Glass. The worst part was that he kept calling out how much each part of the surgery was adding up to on the patient’s bill.

A British doctor livestreamed a cancer surgery he was performing while wearing Google Glass. The only bad part was how he kept throwing the surgical tools on the ground so he could photograph the nurses as the bent over to pick them up.

Actress Nikki Reed has filed for divorce from her husband, “American Idol” finalist Paul McDonald. People were surprised. There was a straight man who competed on “American Idol”?

Lizzie Velasquez, who is billed as the “ugliest woman in the world” is raising money for a documentary. Getting people to commit funds is tough. If moviegoers want to be shocked by someone’s appearance on film they can always rent Carrot Top’s “Chairman of the Board.”

Barbara Walters gas given her archives to her alma mater Sarah Lawrence College. In a related story Kirstie Alley has turned over her archives to Sarah Lee.

Barbara Walters gas given her archives to her alma mater Sarah Lawrence College. It is full of memorabilia from her career in broadcasting, including the very first message she sent by telegraph written out in Morse Code.

Donald Levine, the father of G.I. Joe has died at age 86. The pallbearers for his funeral were specially selected to be able to lift the casket with the aid of their Kung Fu Grip.

Donald Levine, the father of G.I. Joe has died at age 86. There was no other soldier made of more plastic parts until Demi Moore starred in the movie “G.I. Jane.”

Julie Andrews says in an interview her topless scene in “S.O.B.” was “legitimate.” It wasn’t quite so good for Tara Reid who appeared topless and immediately qualified for her S.A.G. membership card.

Kurt Busch completed the Indy 500 on Sunday only made 400 miles worth of the Coca-Cola 600 the same day. The worst part is that his blown engine was marked no deposit no return.

Kurt Busch completed the Indy 500 on Sunday only made 400 miles worth of the Coca-Cola 600 the same day. Apparently with gasoline prices always spiking on the Memorial Day Weekend he just couldn’t afford that last fill up.

Michael Vick says he can help the Jets get to the Super Bowl. Apparently he has a GPS system and a license to drive the bus.

Mark Sanchez’ jersey he wore during the infamous “butt fumble” has sold for $820 at an auction. The worst part is the person who bought it accidentally dropped their card and when they picked it up were called for making a bid.

Floyd Mayweather, Jr. reportedly got into a fight with Rapper T.I. at a Las Vegas Fatburger. Apparently T.I. felt he didn’t get enough respect from the World’s Champion when he was taking his order.

Floyd Mayweather, Jr. reportedly got into a fight with Rapper T.I. at a Las Vegas Fatburger. Gamblers watching the altercation lost a fortune. Half bet that Mayweather would knock out T.I. and the others were betting T.I. would have had a gun on him.

Facebook’s new privacy checkup tool has a blue dinosaur mascot. Mostly for all the dinosaurs who keep getting their Facebook accounts hacked because they are too old to have any idea on how to set their security levels.

Federal regulators are seeking to stop a company from selling personal information they have gathered about high school and college students. The only information they have compiled about college students is when they will graduate and how many years they estimate it will take to pay off their college loans.

A new device called an “e-Nose” can be used to sniff out rotten meat. Apparently it is actually just a GPS that is set for directions to find the nearest Taco Bell.

A camera lost when a ship sank was found more than two years later with the pictures still in tact. Which was good for the people who owned the camera who never got to see those photos from their Carnival cruise.

New York City is using reviews on Yelp to stop food poisoning. The only question is who actually reviews any of those sidewalk food vendors on Yelp?

Scientists told Congress that intelligent alien life will be found by the year 2034. Mostly because they have expanded their search after pretty much giving up looking for any on Capitol Hill.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you all had a great Memorial Day Holiday Weekend. Now get back to work! I had an extra day to come up with the jokes and unfortunately it didn’t do anything to improve the quality. So that idea is out. Maybe I should actually read what I am writing once in awhile. Nah, not enough time. Glad you are doing it for me. Now all you need to do is remember to keep sending the love!

No comments: