Friday, May 02, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The U.S. military has begun research on brain implants that could restore lost memory. Hopefully it might be able to help the people who started the war in Iraq to finally be able to remember the reason for being there.

A study says that divorce is contagious and that the divorce of a friend or loved one can increase the chance for you. Which explains Larry King’s seven divorces after being such good friends with Henry VIII.

A study says that human skin can be used to create sperm. That’s nothing new. It’s been done for years at massage parlors.

62 high school students in New Jersey were arrested for breaking into their school and urinating in the hallways. Educators were just happy to know that for once there were actually 60 New Jersey seniors in school at the same time.

A 28 year old medical student in the U.S. is reportedly offering her virginity for sale, with bids so far up to $550,000. This is one future doctor who is taking her Hippocratic Oath to help others a little too far.

A 28 year old medical student in the U.S. is reportedly offering her virginity for sale, with bids so far up to $550,000. The medical profession was stunned. There is such a thing as a 28 year old virgin?

A study says that straight athletes enjoy same sex cuddling. Which is no surprise considering how they have no problem spanking each other on live national TV.

A study says that straight athletes enjoy same sex cuddling. Especially for NBA players who were limited to playing man to man for years.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu ranted against people using their smartphones who are “slaves to your gadgets.” He was proven right when young people heard about it and kept trying to find the remarks they thought were posted on the ‘Net on Yahoo.

Republican Congressman Darrell Issa slammed the Obama Administration, comparing the lack of transparency to Richard Nixon. Which shows that when it comes to dirty politics, the Democrats are 40 years behind the tactics invented by the Republicans.

A report says that Michelangelo’s statue of David is at risk of collapsing from weak ankles. That’s what happens when you are on display for more than 500 years and have to shift your feet around a lot to keep people from staring at your embarrassingly small privates.

A report says that Michelangelo’s statue of David is at risk of collapsing from weak ankles. The sad part is that when most people today hear of Michelangelo they ask which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle was that?

A study says that life is becoming safer and less violent for children in the U.S. Mostly because it’s so much easier for bullies to just sit on the couch and send their threats through social media anymore.

Malaysia has released their report about missing Malaysia Airlines flight 370, saying that mixed messages, misinformation and long periods of nothing marked the first few hours of the disappearance. Which also pretty much describes the coverage of the missing plane on CNN.

Analysts say the first million dollar a year drug treatment may be in the near future. Which anyone who has ever checked their hospital bill already is known as aspirin.

Analysts say the first million dollar a year drug treatment may be in the near future. To which Charlie Sheen is saying “You mean cocaine?”

The World Health Organization says that drug-resistant superbugs are a global health threat. Which apparently can be kept under control as long as someone keeps reminding Paris Hilton to wear some underwear once in awhile.

The World Health Organization says that drug-resistant superbugs are a global health threat. Along with smog, the water, toxic waste, war, nuclear energy, hunger, political instability...

600,000 Cubans rallied on May Day in support of “sustainable Socialism.” Which they have shown their economy has been able to sustain socialism and keep them all equally as poor for the past 60 years.

600,000 Cubans rallied on May Day in support of “sustainable Socialism.” Of course, 600,000 Cubans were able to participate in the rally since none of them have actually had a job since 1961.

Moody’s predicts an independent Scotland would get an “A” rating. At least until someone tries to serve the ratings agency some Haggis.

A prehistoric fish dating back 60 Million years has washed ashore in Connecticut. It was the oldest fish discovered in the U.S. since someone ordered the catch of the day at Red Lobster.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has checked into a 30 day rehab program. He knew it was bad when people would ask which party their mayor belonged to and the answer was that he IS a party.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has checked into a 30 day rehab program. The worst part is that it will take that long just to figure out all the substances he has been abusing.

Avon has agreed to pay $135 Million to settle bribery charges. Apparently the bribes in question were a payoff to Kelly Osbourne to say she wasn’t using their products.

Avon has agreed to pay $135 Million to settle bribery charges. Not only that, but their representatives were also found guilty of multiple instances of ring and run.

The CDC says that 164 Million work hours are lost each year over dental issues. And that’s just the amount of time people spend in their dentists’ waiting room.

The CDC says that 164 Million work hours are lost each year over dental issues. Which is good news for Alabama since they don’t have any teeth or jobs to lose time from.

GM is asking people suing over the faulty ignition switch issue to voluntarily drop their lawsuits. They followed that up with a request for the Sun to start setting in the east and rising in the west.

EBay has settled a lawsuit over a no poaching deal where they promised not to hire other companies’ employees. They should have just asked “What would the people bidding on Jesus toast do?”

IBM has unveiled a computer that can argue. Which apparently is just a female version of Watson that is PMSing.

Ford COO Mark Fields has been promoted to CEO following the retirement of Alan Mulally. What’s the difference between COO and CEO? Apparently one letter and about $20 Million a year.

GM is using left over car parts to build a house in Detroit. The only problem is they used their ignition switches for the deadbolts and now no one can get inside.

GM is using left over car parts to build a house in Detroit. They would have just used a Suburban as is but apparently it wouldn’t fit on the lot size they were given to build on.

Seattle Mayor Ed Murray has unveiled a plan for a $15 an hour minimum wage. Which means a large mocha latte at Starbucks will now come with a second mortgage.

A study says that stress is contagious. Most people already know that, and that the primary carriers are your kids, your boss or your spouse.

A study says that people can smell another person’s gender. Meaning if they smell badly it is a man.

A study says that people think food tastes better if it is more expensive. Which makes sense because people love McDonald’s which is the most expensive food when you factor in the cost for the inevitable coronary surgery.

The FDA has approved the first sleep apnea implant. Besides the objects that are currently implanted into people who snore by their angry and tired partners.

A study says that too much or too little sleep is being tied to memory problems in older women. What’s worse is when they can’t remember when they went to bed or woke up in the morning.

The CDC says that nearly half of all U.S. deaths could be prevented with lifestyle changes. The most healthy change for men is to stop trying to sneak in the house and not be caught by their wife at three in the morning.

A study says that when wives become sick their risk for divorce increases. Mostly because they are around the house more and can see just what their husbands are up to in their spare time on the computer.

A study says that 1 in 5 Ivy League students has used prescription stimulants. Mostly to stay awake during one of those Ivy League class lectures.

Judge Judy is set to have her own prime time TV special. If she is as mean as she is during daytime programming, moving to prime time probably means one of her cases is going to result in the death penalty.

Paul Simon and Edie Brickell have reportedly been through physical confrontations in the past. The problem is that Simon was told to pick on someone his own size and says there aren’t any.

Paul Simon and Edie Brickell have reportedly been through physical confrontations in the past. There have been so many that they are reportedly already working on an album together of their greatest hits.

Jennifer Lawrence has been picked by FHM as the Sexiest Woman in the World. Which for FHM readers usually means any woman who will even give them a glance.

Phil Mickelson says he tried to get a tee time at U.S. Open venue Pinehurst but the course was full. Mostly because Mickelson has been trying to get on during the busiest times, on the weekend when he hasn’t been playing anywhere else.

Clippers Coach Doc Rivers says the team is joking again. At first people assumed the team was really back to normal because they thought he said the team was choking again.

Reports say that Donald Sterling could use divorce as a way to avoid selling the Clippers. And what better offer could a woman ever have than to divorce Donald Sterling?

Scientists say they have discovered the secret to building the Egyptian Pyramids. Apparently they got people to invest early by selling it as a multi-level marketing opportunity.

Scientists say that banks will soon be able to recognize their customers by their voices. Mostly the ones who are crying and begging to be able to keep their subprime loan from going into foreclosure.

A White House report recommends developing governments limit how companies use information they get online. Mostly because if they collect too much information from customers, what are the people at the NSA going to do all day?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I would like to once again remind you that the Great Strides Walk to fight Cystic Fibrosis is coming up in another couple of weeks. I would appreciate it if you would lick on the donation line I have set up for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation and kick in a few dollars for the cause in the memory of my wife Karen who passed away from the illness three years ago. Whatever you can afford will be greatly appreciated. Give me some reasons to send the love!


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