Thursday, May 01, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says that China will pass the U.S. as the world’s largest economy this year. Which hasn’t been that hard. Beating everyone else in this economy is like winning a marathon where all the other contestants are running backwards.

A report says that China will pass the U.S. as the world’s largest economy this year. They’ve done it by mimicking the U.S. They now have the air quality of Los Angeles, the water purity of Texas and the toxicity of Cleveland.

The House Budget Committee is set to hold hearings on poverty. And who knows better how to spend its way straight to the poorhouse better than the group in charge of the nation’s budget?

Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston was caught taking crab legs from a Florida supermarket without paying. Apparently misunderstood the NCAA ruling allowing athletes to get unlimited snacks and food.

A study says that half of all people in New York City are struggling to get by. It’s getting so bad that some Wall Street executives are having to car pool their limousine ride into the office.

A study says that half of all people in New York City are struggling to get by. The only people who have really made it there are the ones who have been able to actually experience the taste of a hot dog at a Yankees game.

A study says that half of all people in New York City are struggling to get by. Of course, anyone who has ever been on a subway platform trying to get onto a car knows what it really means to struggle to get by.

A Florida man was cited for using a jammer to keep people from using their cellphones in the vicinity of his vehicle. He was charged with distracting drivers by startling them into having to actually look out the windshield.

Edward Snowden says the NSA spies more on Americans than it does on Russians. Mostly because we have more crazy people who want to cause harm to the U.S. than they do in Russia.

Research shows that one in five people in Florida were born in another country. The rest are Florida natives, meaning they were born in New York.

A report says that two recent golf outings by President Obama cost $2.9 Million. That still doesn’t come close to costing as much as one nine iron shot by Elin Nordegren.

A report says that two recent golf outings by President Obama cost $2.9 Million. How many golf balls can one person lose in 36 holes?

The White House has opened the door to collecting tolls on interstate highways. Not to say that transportation funds are running low, but instead of building toll booths they will just have Highway Department employees stand on the side of the onramps with a bucket and a handwritten sign.

Venezuela says it will start crushing abandoned cars to make building materials for houses. Ironically, some of the cars they will be using will have come from the U.S. where they already more than likely were used by someone as their home.

The federal government says it lost $11.2 Billion on the GM bailout. Which means they did a lot better than GM was doing leading up to needing the bailout.

The federal government says it lost $11.2 Billion on the GM bailout. To which Chrysler asked if they could get a copy of that business model.

A beached dead whale has washed up on the coast of Newfoundland. Now they know what it feels like for us when all the Canadian tourists come down to vacation in Florida.

Egypt has opened up a replica of the 3,300 year old tomb of King Tut. Now everyone knows what it will be like when a futuristic society thousands of years from now discovers someone who was buried in one of those KISS caskets.

The New York student who was accepted to all eight Ivy League schools has decided to go to Yale. It’s a pretty amazing feat when you consider that most students can’t even name all eight Ivy League schools.

The head of the Pentagon Intelligence Agency has been forced out of office. Apparently he was removed because if he was really doing his job well he would have seen it coming.

A Utah man has pleaded not guilty to stealing a dinosaur footprint. He would have been OK if he had stolen any other cement square from Grauman’s Chinese Theater other than Larry King’s.

Oklahoma says it will review the botched execution of a prisoner who died from a heart attack 43 minutes into the procedure. To which the state of Texas says “What botched execution? He’s dead, ain’t he?”

A survey says that half the people in Illinois and Connecticut want to move somewhere else. Which would work out perfectly if they all just traded places.

A survey says that half the people in Illinois and Connecticut want to move somewhere else. Somewhere else meaning not Illinois, Connecticut or Alabama.

McDonald’s is trying to connect with socially conscious customers by using recyclable materials and healthier food. Although to be honest, when is the last time you have seen a car with a “Greenpeace” sticker on it in a McDonald’s parking lot?

McDonald’s is trying to connect with socially conscious customers by using recyclable materials and healthier food. If they really wanted to accomplish that and appeal to McDonald’s customers, the best way would be to make the food wrappers edible.

The GAO says there are fewer flights and airline seats available today than there were seven years ago. Mostly because some of the jets still on the tarmac are JetBlue flights that were scheduled to take off in 2007.

The Chairman of the FCC says that the commission will not allow an “Internet slow lane.” Other than for the people who still insist on using Internet Explorer as their browser.

A new Facebook app simulates having dementia. Fortunately, most people on Facebook have no trouble remembering what they ate for breakfast because they posted a picture of it right along with lunch and dinner.

A new Facebook app simulates having dementia. The first sign is leaving your Facebook page open to the message you sent your girlfriend where your wife can see it.

A study says that high fiber foods help for the survival of those who have suffered heart attacks. Who knew that constipation could cause that much stress on the rest of the body?

A New York school cancelled a Kindergarten show so the kids could instead “focus on college and their careers.” Education is getting so competitive even for young children that now bullies are stealing milk money to put in their college fund.

A New York school cancelled a Kindergarten show so the kids could instead “focus on college and their careers.” Not to say that education is getting competitive, but preschoolers are having trouble advancing if their finger painting doesn’t show enough pigmentation and linear perspective.

A study says that calling a young girl “fat” could spur overeating causing her to suffer from teenage obesity. Or it could just be very prophetic.

A study says that doing routine housework could reduce the risk of future disability. Especially when the number one cause of disability is being hit on the head after asking your wife why the house is so messy.

A study says that doing routine housework could reduce the risk of future disability. Mostly from picking up the things that are most likely to cause an injury when you trip over them in the dark.

A study says that middle aged people who do poorly at tests of their physical abilities have an increased risk of early death. Especially those who react slowly when they hear “Head’s up!”

A report says that more than half of all Americans breathe in unhealthy air. Which is nothing compared to the air that comes out of them after they eat at Taco Bell.

A study says there is no such thing as healthy obesity. For one thing, there is the risk of being injured by shrapnel when the bathroom scale you have been using completely shatters.

A Manhattan hospital has sent home its oldest patient ever, a 105 year old woman. The reason she has made it to 105 is because she has never had to spend any time under hospital care before.

The author of the book “Gravity” is suing Warner Brothers over credit for their film of the same name. Warner Bothers is claiming the lawsuit carries absolutely no weight.

A game show called “Sports Jeopardy!” will be hosted by ESPN broadcaster Dan Patrick. Until now sports jeopardy has pretty much been used to describe anyone associated with Donald Sterling.

A report says that Jennifer Lawrence threw up from drinking alcohol at an Oscar party. How embarrassing in Hollywood to not even be able to consume enough alcohol to get arrested for a DUI or punch out a photographer.

U2 bassist Adam Clayton says he battled “emptiness” despite the success of the band. To which even U2 fans were asking “Who?”

Prince William and Harry are reportedly going to Memphis for the wedding of a friend. Apparently the Royals like Tennessee because the tooth to gum ratio there makes them feel very much like they are at home in England.

Former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter and former New Kid on the Block Jordan Knight are teaming up to make a new album and are starting a 39 city tour. Not to say they are getting a little old for a boy band, but the tour dates will all depend on how far their Rascals can make it before needing to be charged again.

The show “Almost Human” has been cancelled by Fox. Which is not to be confused with “American Idol” since Simon Cowell quit as a judge.

The show “Almost Human” has been cancelled by Fox. It was about a human paired with a robotic sidekick. Otherwise known as a return to the Clinton White House years.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is reportedly seeking help for his addictions. The only question is it for his addition to food, alcohol, pot, crack...?

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is reportedly seeking help for his addictions. The only question is what could he have possibly done this time to make him realize he has a problem?

Donald Trump is reportedly going to buy Turnberry Resort in Scotland, home to four British Open Championships. The only question is whether the term “Scottish resort” is an oxymoron.

Donald Trump is reportedly going to buy Turnberry Resort in Scotland, home to four British Open Championships. To commemorate the event, he showed up wearing his customary orange divot on his head.

A doctor has developed an app that helps people fall asleep. Apparently it streams programming directly from C-SPAN.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad day for humor lovers as former Mad Magazine editor Al Feldstein has died at age 88. If you print out this blog and fold it together right, it will produce a picture of Alfred E. Neuman. You might have to fold it for several hours, but it is there. Thanks for many great memories from the finest humor magazine ever! Other than People’s Most Beautiful People edition. Also, it’s getting close to the Great Strides Walk to fight Cystic Fibrosis. I would really appreciate any donations in the memory of my wife Karen who we lost to the illness three years ago. Just click where it says to make a donation and the rest is easy. Anything you give will be greatly appreciated. I will welcome the chance to be the one who gets to send the love!

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