Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The NBA has suspended Clippers owner Donald Sterling for life. Although being suspended for life when you are 80 is like being ticketed for double parking while you are robbing a bank.

The NBA has suspended Clippers owner Donald Sterling for life. The punishment was handed down by Commissioner Adam Silver. How could something involving Sterling and Silver end up becoming so tarnished?

The NBA has suspended Clippers owner Donald Sterling for life. Sterling’s supporters are arguing that he has owned the Clippers since 1981. Hasn’t he suffered enough?

IOC officials are saying the preparations for the Olympics in Rio for 2016 are the “worst ever.” Why is it that the people running the Olympics are never the ones accused of using performance enhancing drugs?

A 72 year old Ohio man called 911 to report his “lazy” grandson who refused to do household chores and would stay on the computer all day. The question is, where were the lazy parents who can’t discipline their kid and just hand him over to grandpa every day?

Black NBA players have called for a boycott of Clippers basketball games. Which means that up until about five years ago L.A. fans were way ahead of their time.

A proposed bill will allow the federal government to “scour” the Internet and media looking for “hate speech.” Having to scour for hate speech? Doesn’t anyone in Washington, D.C. have access to AM radio?

A proposed bill will allow the federal government to “scour” the Internet and media looking for “hate speech.” If they are looking for hate speech, all they need to do is go online and look for anything that is on the Internet that isn’t porn.

Spain’s jobless rate is approaching 26%. Economists were shocked. There are enough jobs in Spain for 74% of the people?

Spain’s jobless rate is approaching 26%. Who would have thought that making bullfighting equipment and castanets would provide that much employment?

A poll shows that young Americans have a “historically low” level of trust in the government. It’s just good to see all of those people who were wrong in thinking that today’s youth are ignorant and uninformed.

A study says that one third of Americans are mixing supplements with their medications that can create dangerous interactions. The other two thirds are taking their medications the old fashioned way, washing them down with a stiff Martini.

The homeownership rate in the U.S. has fallen to its lowest level since 1995. Mostly from all the people who bought homes after 1995 and lost them when they refinanced with a subprime loan.

Denmark’s Noma has been named the best restaurant in the world. The winner is chosen based on the characteristics of a truly great dining establishment, meaning it is booked for years in advance, has unaffordable prices and a wait staff that is trained to ignore all but the wealthiest customers.

Denmark’s Noma has been named the best restaurant in the world. They must be good because they stick to their policy of no free refills.

Protesters in Ukraine wielded baseball bats to storm a key government building. Political experts were surprised. Why does anyone in the Ukraine have a baseball bat?

A 15 year old Canadian boy set the world’s record for solving a Rubik’s cube with one hand in 12.5 seconds. He was reportedly using the other hand to load a cassette tape into his Walkman and put it into the pocket of his parachute pants. 

A 15 year old Canadian boy set the world’s record for solving a Rubik’s cube with one hand in 12.5 seconds. Which left him wondering what to do for the other 23 hours, 59 minutes and 47.5 seconds he had left in his day.

The nation’s oldest gay bookstore has closed in Philadelphia. The only question is what is the difference between a gay bookstore and a bookstore?

Government e-mails say the White House tried to shape the Benghazi story. Just like the House Republicans, congressional Democrats and media.

A Pennsylvania man was married in the hospital after having a heart attack on the way to his wedding. His bride went along with the plan right after she found out that his life insurance was current and paid for.

A Pennsylvania man was married in the hospital after having a heart attack on the way to his wedding. Not to say he was in bad shape, but his bride put his lips down on the list for “something blue.”

A study says that 90% of political TV ads in North Carolina are paid for by out of state interest groups. Which in North Carolina means “Democrats.”

The NYPD is cracking down on subway dancers with arrests spiking. Apparently the dancers get in the way of the people who are trying to grope all the other subway passengers.

The unemployment rate in Washington, D.C. went up slightly to 4.9%. Ironically, Washington is the one place where having higher unemployment actually means better results for the national economy.

A court has upheld an EPA rule about cross-state pollution. The good news for Texas is that all the other states are pretty much usually upwind.

An analysis by the Federal Election Commission says that candidates can buy their way into national political office. Apparently the study was based on the outcome of pretty much every election in U.S. history.

An analysis by the Federal Election Commission says that candidates can buy their way into national political office. The good news is that the cost to get people to vote for Donald Trump is somewhere around triple the national debt.

Donald Sterling says the Clippers are not for sale. Although his problems all started because his girlfriend apparently is.

The New York Stock Exchange canceled 20,000 trades following a computer error. Apparently the mistake was caught when someone noticed the computer was showing requests to buy stock in Facebook.

Air France say it expects pilots’ protests will lead to extensive flight cancellations. As opposed to the usual cancellations from no one wanting to fly on Air France.

Researchers say they have uncovered clues about the deadly 1918 flu pandemic. And you thought your HMO was slow to get back to you with a diagnosis.

A study says that initial success breeds future success. Which finally explains a lot about the history of the Chicago Cubs.

A poll says that one in three U.S. adults haven’t visited the dentist in the past year. The other two don’t live in the South.

A poll says that one in three U.S. adults haven’t visited the dentist in the past year. No one even knew there were that many immigrants who have moved here from England.

A study shows that babies smile in womb at an early stage of development. Especially the ones whose moms spend most of their pregnancy going between Krispy Kreme and Baskin Robbins.

A study says that first born girls are the most likely in a family to be ambitious and succeed. Mostly because they know they had better get out before they get stuck helping mom raise all the other bratty kids that will be coming along later.

Researchers say bee sting therapy for arthritis pain is about to go mainstream. Apparently the idea is to get people’s minds off their arthritis by inflicting them with something that hurts a lot more than their arthritis.

Breast milk banks are gaining in popularity which bring donated mother’s milk to healthy babies. Those are the banks where someone walking in the door with a Double D bra size is instantly recognized as a big depositor.

Studies show that girls have consistently beaten boys in every subject in school for the past 100 years. Until they realize that their GPA has nothing to do with their odds of getting asked to the prom.

A bioethicist says that using condoms should be encouraged instead of being used as evidence of a crime. Or as high school boys see condoms, a symbol of hope and possibility.

Researchers say that a breathalyzer for lung cancer may be on the way. How bad would that be to get pulled over and have the police officer tell you that you were going 15 mph over the speed limit but that he will let you go because you have only three months left to live.

Researchers say that a breathalyzer for lung cancer may be on the way. Apparently the highest numbers come in for people who insist on putting on the breathalyzer mask while they are still smoking a Camel non-filter.

Cameron Diaz admitted in an interview that she had been romantic with another woman. Which will explain to all women why their husbands and boyfriends will want to spend date night watching the entire Cameron Diaz movie catalogue at home.

The New Kids on the Block will star in an upcoming reality series. For one thing, they are changing their name to Those Other New Kids on the Block Better Stay Off Our Lawn.

The New Kids on the Block will star in an upcoming reality series based on a cruise ship. Not to say they are getting older, but the whole series shows them switching back and forth from the buffet table to the shuffleboard court.

81 year old Willie Nelson has been awarded his 5th degree black belt in the martial art Gongkwon Yusul. Apparently Nelson is so good he can fight off five attackers with one hand while rolling a joint with the other.

81 year old Willie Nelson has been awarded his 5th degree black belt in the martial art Gongkwon Yusul. Apparently Nelson became interested when he thought it was called Bong time, you smoke?

Prince Harry has reportedly broken up with his girlfriend Cressida Bonas. People are concerned about whether a wealthy, internationally famous bachelor member of the Royal Family will be able to find a date before too long.

Prince Harry has reportedly broken up with his girlfriend Cressida Bonas. Which is a lesson to be learned for people who want their daughters to marry a prince. If you are going to name them for a car, try a Bentley instead of a Toyota.

Floyd Mayweather, Jr. says he is interested in buying the Los Angeles Clippers. Most people would be happier just seeing him get in the ring for about ten seconds with Donald Sterling.

The FCC chief is pledging to police the Internet “fast lanes” if net neutrality is abolished. In other words, they won’t be spending any time checking out what is going on at AOL.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am going to start asking every day until race day on May 17th for you to donate to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk. Anything you can donate, $5, $10, $1,000,005...whatever, will be greatly appreciated. I am doing this in the memory of my wife Karen who passed away from the illness three years ago. Many of you donated last year and I would love to see those donations coming in again. Then it will be my turn to send the love!

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