Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Paul Simon and his wife Edie Brickell were arrested for disorderly conduct after a reported shoving match. Simon’s mugshot will be available just as soon as police develop the Kodachrome.

Paul Simon and his wife Edie Brickell were arrested for disorderly conduct after a reported shoving match. Apparently the disturbance took place with some kid named Julio down by the schoolyard.

Paul Simon and his wife Edie Brickell were arrested for disorderly conduct after a reported shoving match. This still leaves him with 49 ways to leave his lover.

A Census Bureau report says that men working full time earn less than they did 40 years ago. Which would really upset men if any of them were actually able to find a full time job anymore.

A Census Bureau report says that men working full time earn less than they did 40 years ago. What’s even worse is that at today’s wages, anyone working 40 years ago would still not have enough money to retire with.

Google says its driverless cars are starting to master driving on city streets. In other words, they are already leaning to honk the horn unexpectedly, go 15 mph over the speed limit and roll through all stop signs.

New York Knicks great Larry Johnson is calling for an all black basketball league in the wake of racist comments by Clippers owner Donald Sterling. It would be just like the NBA only without a bench for the white players to sit on during the games.

Scientists have created a take-home fertility test for men. The first thing is eliminating Trekkies and Star Wars fans who even if they are fertile don’t stand a chance of hooking up in the first place.

Researchers say that social media doesn’t boost TV viewership. Mostly because no one has time to watch TV while they are posting pictures of selfies and what they have eaten for every meal that day.

New York City is testing stackable containers for use as emergency housing. Otherwise known as “apartments.”

A report says the Pentagon is planning on destroying $1 Billion in ammunition. Or as that was called during the War in Iraq, “Tuesday.”

Pope Francis I says that “Inequality is the root of social evil.” He posted his comments on Twitter and then tweeted “Where are those nuns with my coffee?!”

Scientists in London say they have devised an edible water bottle. Now all they need to do is work on devising some edible English food.

A study says that human ancestors who lived 7,000 years ago could outrun and outlift today’s top athletes. But today’s life expectancy is about 40 years longer, so maybe there is something to be said about sitting around watching TV all day while becoming morbidly obese.

A study says that 1 in 25 death row inmates are likely innocent. Legal experts were shocked. Juries actually are right 24 out of 25 times?

The Justice Department is set to collect data from police stops around the country to study racial bias in law enforcement. They were originally going to study to see if there is any racism in the NBA but that was pretty much already taken care of by Donald Sterling.

A French woman whose name sounds like “al Queda” was stopped from flying into the U.S. Which is a good lesson for anyone with the last name of Kayda who was planning to name their son Al.

School officials in San Antonio say a boy who brought a loaded AK-47 to school planned to commit a violent act with it. Why do teachers always assume the worst about a child just because they are bringing a loaded semi-automatic assault rifle to school?

School officials in San Antonio say a boy who brought a loaded AK-47 to school planned to commit a violent act with it. Either that or he was just sending out the message that this time he was going to keep his lunch money and not go home with a wedgie.

High profile British publicist Max Clifford has been convicted of several counts of indecent assault. The first thing he needs to do is get a new publicity agent.

Ohio is set to increase the dosage given in lethal injection executions. Although doctors are warning that if it is not administered correctly it could lead to an accidental overdose.

The Florida legislature has passed a bill allowing guns in schools. People were shocked. That isn’t already allowed in Florida?

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor is calling for Secretary of State John Kerry to apologize after suggesting Israel could become an apartheid state. Kerry says when he was talking about becoming an apartheid state, he was talking about Cliven Bundy’s supporters in Nevada.

Former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell, who is facing charges of corruption has taken a teaching position at Liberty University. He has already come up with a course syllabus that says an A costs $2,000, a B goes for $1,500 and a C can be guaranteed for $750.

A Pennsylvania judge has approved auctioning off a widow’s home over a tax debt of $6.30. It’s just sad knowing she could have kept that home if she could have only resisted that last Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

A study says that new airline routes mean temporary lower air fare prices. At least until the airlines get used to the new schedule and remember to tack on all the inflight fees for luggage, drinks and blankets.

A survey says the average U.S. retirement age is up to 62. To which every 80 year old Wal-Mart greeter is saying somewhere there is a 44 year old who is wealthy enough to be ready to hang it up.

Homeland Security is telling people not to use Internet Explorer because of a new security bug. Apparently the flaw makes it hard for the NSA to access your computer and get all your personal information.

Homeland Security is telling people not to use Internet Explorer because of a new security bug. Which really doesn’t matter since it is probably on a computer run by Windows and won’t power up to let you search for anything online in the first place.

The U.S. Treasury has announced the biggest quarterly paydown of the U.S. debt in seven years. The bad news is that the total paydown was a quarter.

The U.S. Treasury has announced the biggest quarterly paydown of the U.S. debt in seven years. Which is good news because some people get a little nervous right around the time the national debt starts approaching around $17 Trillion.

Frontier Airlines is now charging passengers for carry on bags. Aviation experts were surprised. Frontier Airlines is still in business?

Millions of people who use AOL e-mail will have to change their password because of a security breach. Apparently hackers can get into their AOL accounts as long as they have access to a rotary phone.

Millions of people who use AOL e-mail will have to change their password because of a security breach. Although anyone who is still using AOL for e-mail probably has never figured out how to actually use it in the first place.

Amtrak is accepting pets on some trains. Apparently they decided to extend the service to passengers since so many of their engineers get to bring their seeing-eye dogs on board with them.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that many higher wage jobs that were lost during the recession have been replaced by low wage jobs. Mostly for jobs that do busy work, like compiling numbers for the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

Amazon will open its warehouse facilities to tourists. Apparently it is for people who aren’t brave enough to see what working conditions are like in a coal mine, cleaning up a Haz-Mat spill or helping sort through the rubble at the Fukushima nuclear power plant.

Researchers say it is not a good idea for parents to help their children with homework. Mostly because of the respect they will lose from their kids when they see their parents have no clue how to solve a simple math problem.

Researchers say it is not a good idea for parents to help their children with homework. Unless the parents want to save money by not having to pay for college tuition by guaranteeing their kids will probably never even be able to complete high school/

A study says that teens who mix alcohol and marijuana are more dangerous than teens using one or the other. Which makes them almost as dangerous as being behind the wheel while a teen.

A study says the smell of men stresses out lab mice, while the smell of women has no effect on the rodents. Mostly because the mice know women are good to rodents since they marry so many of them.

A study says the smell of men stresses out lab mice, while the smell of women has no effect on the rodents. Mostly because they know that there is no morsel of cheese that is safe while there are any men around.

Towson University in Maryland has received a patent for helping the blind use the Internet. Apparently they have figured out how to make the Internet available to the sight challenged by being able to adapt Braille into all the porn sites.

A report says that women are undergoing surgery to help them fit into designer shoes. You would think the whole point of paying for designer shoes is to be able to wear them when you have big feet.

100 people were reportedly stricken with food poisoning at a Food Safety Summit in Baltimore. Apparently the idea was to have everyone infected so they could experience what it was like. So next year’s event will be held on a Carnival Cruise ship.

A study has confirmed that camels are the source of the MERS virus. Until now, camels were only blamed as the cause of emphysema and lung cancer.

A study says that customers at Chipotle restaurants underestimate the amount of calories they are eating by 21%. Which is pretty good compared to most other Americans who are obviously underestimating the calories they eat by about 300%.

A survey says that children are experiencing less violence over the past few years. Mostly because everyone is too wrapped up in social media to actually have any physical contact with other people anymore.

A study says that kids’ happiness does not depend on having two natural parents around. As long as the people who are in charge keep giving them video games to play and McDonald’s to eat every day.

A study says that laughter may work like meditation in the brain. Especially when everyone is laughing at the person who is trying to meditate.

A study says that breast cancer survivors face high unemployment. Which most breast cancer patients will say that it’s better to be alive and unemployed than have a job and be dead.

A study says that legalizing marijuana doesn’t raise pot use by teens. Mostly because no one knows about it since teens are getting most their weed out of their parents’ stash.

Actress Bridget Moynahan says to draw attention to poverty, she will spend $1.50 a day on food for a week. Or as supermodels are saying about her plan, “What a pig!”

Actress Bridget Moynahan says to draw attention to poverty, she will spend $1.50 a day on food for a week. Or she could draw attention to poverty by going back to being out of work like most other actors.

The Supreme court has ended a 20 year fight between Novell and Microsoft that dates back to the development of Windows 95. Apparently the company couldn’t show why they would even want to claim to have designed Windows 95.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Pretty good joke day today. At least in my opinion, but what do I know about good jokes? The headlines have been a little slow lately. Even CNN is having to look around for something besides the missing Malaysia Airline flight. It is getting close to the Great Strides Walk held every year by the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. I lost my wonderful wife, Karen to the disease three years ago and would appreciate any donations you can muster. Just click on the “Donate to Cystic Fibrosis Foundation” icon on the margin of the page and give what you can. There is no better way to truly show the love!

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