Thursday, January 09, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A poll says that most Americans still own a VCR. Apparently they intend to keep theirs until they finally figure out how to get it to stop flashing “12:00.”

Fox News Chairman Roger Ailes says that CNN has gotten out of the news business. People were surprised. CNN is still on the air?

Fox News Chairman Roger Ailes says that CNN has gotten out of the news business. Ailes didn’t say if Fox ever intended to possibly try their hand at actually doing news.

Scientists say last year’s avalanche in Utah was the largest in modern North American history. It was the biggest flow of pure white seen in Utah since the Mormon migration.

Scientists say last year’s avalanche in Utah was the largest in modern North American history. It was the biggest torrent of white powder seen since last weekend’s party at Paris Hilton’s house.

A Colorado restaurant is serving marijuana along with its food dishes. The eatery’s format is listed as pot luck.

A Colorado restaurant is serving marijuana along with its food dishes. The name of the place is Hapa Sushi, although it came close to being called “Weed & Feed.”

A Colorado restaurant is serving marijuana along with its food dishes. The only bad part is that instead of ordering off the menu, most patrons just want to call for Dominos delivery.

A study says that playing classical music for children improves their concentration as well as their self-discipline. Which for most people, classical music is anything that came out before rap or disco.

A poll says a record high number of Americans list themselves as political independents. Mostly because they have no idea what Democrats or Republicans actually stand for anymore.

Nestle says it will test health foods out on human brain cells to see their benefits. Then they will just assume any products made by Nestle will pretty much have the opposite effect.

A report calls Los Angeles a city in decline. The only problem is that people aren’t sure if the report was talking about the Lakers or the Clippers.

A report says the poverty level in the U.S. is at its lowest in the past 50 years. Which isn’t bad considering six years ago Americans were the poorest they have been since 1776.

A report says the poverty level in the U.S. is at its lowest in the past 50 years. The worst part is that if you total all Americans’ personal debt, we still aren’t as deep in the hole as the $17 Trillion Congress has put us.

The CDC says that 40% of babies are born to unmarried women. Although that number drops to 15% when you factor out the Octomom.

A study says that when the stock market falls it can be deadly. Especially people walking down Wall Street who are hit by falling stockbrokers.

Data says that 75% of teens fail to meet basic fitness guidelines. The other 25% couldn’t make it off the couch to even take the test.

A bank robbery attempt in California failed when the teller couldn’t read the holdup note. Fortunately, since the economic crash since no one has a savings account any more the banks quit making literacy a requirement for tellers.

Smart pajamas can use phones or tablets to read bedtime stories to children. The worst part of technology raising our kids is when children are asked the name of their mother and say it’s “Siri.”

A study says that overachievers are at risk for isolation and depression from Internet addiction. At least the ones who haven’t yet discovered online porn.

A study says that overachievers are at risk for isolation and depression from Internet addiction. Especially the ones who are always getting jealous of the better meals their friends are eating and posting on Facebook.

A study says that gamers who play for extended periods of time are more likely to hallucinate. Especially the ones who think that one day they will have a job, friends and won’t be living in their parents’ basement.

An Oregon couple was arrested after tipping a waitress with a bag of meth. Apparently that was their way of telling her that the service could have been a little faster.

A Kentucky lawmaker’s gun went off accidentally in her Capitol office. It was the most embarrassing discharge by a politician since Bill Clinton.

A UK education expert says that being bored prepares children for adulthood. Especially the ones who plan on becoming education experts in the UK.

New York has approved legalizing medicinal marijuana. At least everywhere in the state except Wall Street, where the medicines of choice are still Champagne, Valium and cocaine.

A poll says that defense leaders around the world say that China is rising and the U.S. is declining. Apparently this is all part of China preparing for the day when they ask us for the $17 Trillion they loaned us.

Flight disruptions caused by the arctic blast caused airlines $1.4 Billion. Which will be recouped in a few days with the new $50 per passenger “climate change” fee that will be implemented by all carriers next week.

Data says the odds of getting hired after being unemployed for a year or longer is 9%. Which is pretty much the same odds of being hired after being unemployed for under a year.

A new technology infused bed monitors people’s heart rate and eases snoring. Which saves men the trouble of waking up in the middle of the night from their wife trying to hold the pillow over their head.

A study says that people’s attitude about working out may be influenced by their body size. And pretty much the other way around.

A study says that teen drinking, while dangerous can lead to popularity. Mostly because no one wants to become the nerd who is tagged as the designated driver.

A study of Google queries says the recession made people feel ill. Mostly because of all the people who lost their jobs and health insurance benefits and haven’t been able to see a doctor since 2008.

A study of Google queries says the recession made people feel ill. Especially the ones who lost their health insurance and get all their medical advice through Google.

A study says that being aerobically fit at 18 is linked to a lower risk of having a heart attack in middle age. Researchers will work on proving their theory just as soon as they find an 18 year old who is aerobically fit.

A study says that overdosing on laxatives can cause serious harm. And that’s just to the person’s social life.

A study says that full service restaurants are not necessarily any healthier than those serving fast food. Mostly because they both serve unhealthy meals but at least customers can’t get drunk at the same time in the fast food places.

A study says that people’s response to prescription drugs can be influenced by what their doctor tells them. For one thing, they are less likely to go into a panic attack when their doctor tells them the prescription is covered by their insurance.

A new blood test can reportedly diagnose concussions on the field. For instance, there is a pretty good likelihood that the person has suffered some kind of head injury when blood is pouring out of their ears.

The 13 year old twins of Jon and Kate Gosselin say they are “not messed up.” Which is true when they are compared to how their parents have turned out.

Hip hop group Insane Clown Posse is suing the FBI for labeling their fans as gang members. In the FBI’s defense, it’s pretty obvious the group’s fans aren’t following them for the music.

Hip hop group Insane Clown Posse is suing the FBI for labeling their fans as gang members. Which is only relevant to people who are still living in 1988.

Hip hop group Insane Clown Posse is suing the FBI for labeling their fans as gang members. The sad part is that based on the size of their fan club, the case has been turned over to Small Claims Court.

Chris Brown has rejected a plea deal in his Washington, D.C. assault case. Apparently he thinks he might have a chance of winning over a jury since this time the fight didn’t involve a woman.

“Teen Mom” star Farrah Abraham says her sex tape ruined her life. Which is so sad because she was obviously on such a good course after starting her TV career based on being a mother at 16.

“Teen Mom” star Farrah Abraham says her sex tape ruined her life. Apparently she figured if putting out a porn tape worked to Make Kim Kardashian a big star, why couldn’t it work for her?

16 baseball writers left Greg Maddux off their ballot for the Baseball Hall of Fame. How bad has it gotten when the electoral college is looking like a better voting system?

Former Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel is going into the NFL draft in May. Despite leaving school, Manziel says he will “always be an Aggie.” Meaning he could have stayed in school the rest of his life and still never gotten a diploma.

Vanderbilt’s leading scorer Eric McClellan has been suspended for the rest of the season because of a violation of the university’s academic policy. Which is what happens when a player’s scoring average falls below their GPA.

The first-ever dinosaur fossils have been unearthed in Saudi Arabia. The Saudi government is upset, saying the bones should be left to do what nature intended. Decompose into another oil field.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Greg Maddux, Frank Thomas and Tom Glavine were elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. The latest inductees will be a shot in the arm for the Hall, as opposed to the shots in the butt that is still keeping Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa out. While these jokes will probably never make the comedy Hall of Fame, I will be satisfied if you just vote by sending the love! 


1 comment:

Sam said...

Keep kicking butt, Jim!