Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Mayor of Indianapolis warned residents that without proper clothing in the recent cold snap they could be dead within ten minutes. To which the Mayor of Detroit says that’s nothing. When you go out in his city even with the proper clothing you will probably be dead in five.

A report says that automakers keep records of information of drivers’ whereabouts from their cars’ navigation systems. Which is no big deal for Chrysler owners because the only place their car usually goes is to the repair shop.

Customers in Colorado are using their Visa and MasterCards to charge their marijuana purchases. The only problem for the credit card companies is when their cardholders buy their pot on credit and forget to pay their bills for the next six months.

Customers in Colorado are using their Visa and MasterCards to charge their marijuana purchases. Apparently the credit card companies like the extra business from people buying pot and then using their cards to spend several hundred more dollars for pizza.

AOL has offered to buy Business Insider for $100 Million. Industry experts were shocked. Where did AOL come up with $100 Million?

Tim Tebow’s ESPN debut had him predicting the score of the National Championship game between Florida State and Auburn and missing by one point. It’s much easier to predict a game that he is playing in. Just give the team he is quarterbacking a zero.

Tim Tebow says his workout to get in shape to play includes 100,000 reps 10 hours a day six days a week. The only problem is that the one day he never does anything physical is Sunday, which all the NFL teams have already found out.

The website for the Interior Department was down for five straight days this month. The surprising part was that someone even found out by trying to log in.

The website for the Interior Department was down for five straight days this month. At least now we know where the person who set up the Obamacare website was transferred.

A Florida man was arrested for biting off a part of neighbor’s ear over not getting a cigarette. People had no idea that Mike Tyson even smoked.

A study says that using a smartphone at bedtime may get in the way of trying to sleep. Especially when your wife sees that you are getting text messages from another woman.

A naked man had to be rescued after getting stuck in a washing machine in Australia. Apparently no one told him you shouldn’t try to wash your delicates in a machine.

A naked man had to be rescued after getting stuck in a washing machine in Australia. Apparently the place he was staying at didn’t have a bidet.

Porn star Coco Brown is preparing for a 2015 trip into space. It’s the first time anyone has traded in a g-string for a g-suit.

Officials at the Sochi Olympics say that security will be tight and no strange cars will be allowed into the Games. Which means any locals driving any cars built in Russia will pretty much be walking.

Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates says that President Obama lost faith in the Afghanistan War strategy. People were shocked. We had a strategy in Afghanistan?

An escaped prison inmate in Kentucky turned himself in rather than stay outside in the recent extreme cold. Apparently even the cooler is better than the cold.

Pope Francis I has eliminated the “monsignor” honorific for all but a few priests. Apparently he prefers priests to not have any titles, starting with “prime suspect.”

A court has ruled that children of married couples in Italy can use the surname of their mother instead of their father. It isn’t so much that they don’t want to use their fathers’ last name, what bothers them is when they also have to inherit the nickname that comes with it like “The Weasel” or “The Fat Man.”

Lawyers in Ohio are saying an untried execution method that will be used on a prisoner will inflict “agony and terror.” The attorneys argue that it is punishment enough that their client has to be in prison and in Ohio at the same time.

A study says that when stock prices drop, heart attacks increase. Which means that when the market goes down, those losses can be offset by investing in hospitals, pharmaceutical companies and medical equipment manufacturers.

A study says that when stock prices drop, heart attacks increase. It used to be that heart attacks would increase while watching the Super Bowl. Now the most dangerous program to watch is anything on CNBC.

A report says the least stressful job is an audiologist. Mostly because you can tell your clients what you really think of them and nothing will happen because they can’t hear a word you are saying.

Audi and Tesla are teaming with AT&T to make their cars essentially smart phones on wheels. Auto industry experts at first thought it would be dangerous to promote phone usage with driving, but with AT&T it’s not like any calls or texts are going to go through.

President Obama says the unemployed are not lazy, they just need a hand. He means the only people he knows who are really lazy are in the House and Senate and what they need is someone’s foot.

Kraft says Velveeta will be hard to find the next few weeks. Anyone who misses the aroma of the processed cheese product can simulate it by just leaving a gym sock in a yogurt container in a warm room for a few days.

Kraft says Velveeta will be hard to find the next few weeks. Apparently there is a shortage of the main ingredient due to more demand in the car tire and pencil eraser industries.

J.P. Morgan will pay $2.5 Billion in their part in the Bernard Madoff fraud case. While that is a lot of money, the bank figures it’s better than having to pay any of the trillions of dollars of damage for their part in causing the 2008 economic meltdown.

Apple users spent $10 Billion on apps in 2013. The one app that wasn’t offered was the one that can make people healthier and more popular by telling them to not spend so much time always checking their smartphone.

Starbucks sold $1.3 Billion in prepaid cards during the holiday quarter. That means they can be redeemed for as many as 12 large mocha lattes.

The FTC has cracked down on four bogus weight loss aids. Which is pretty much any method that doesn’t tell people to just quit eating so much and work out once in awhile.

Curved screens are the next innovation in electronic devices. Mostly because smartphones won’t fit in the back pocket of people anymore unless they are curved so they can fit around Americans’ large backsides.

An analysis says that 2.5 Billion computing devices are expected to ship worldwide this year. If all those devices were hooked together, they would have enough power to compute how much money and time are wasted by the world population on their electronic gadgets every day.

Urban Outfitters stores have pulled a controversial shirt that features the word “depression” in a repeating pattern. The store says that they aren’t making light of mental illness, they are just commenting on the state of the economy.

A nurses’ union says that hospitals are overcharging patients. The medical profession was shocked. Nurses are just figuring this out now?

An American mother wants M&Ms to remove artificial dyes from M&Ms because she claims they make children hyperactive. Or it might just have something to do with the pound of sugar her kids are consuming with every bag of the candy.

An American mother wants M&Ms to remove artificial dyes from M&Ms because she claims they make children hyperactive. If she wants to give them M&Ms without the dye, that product is available. It’s called a 5 pound bag of C&H Sugar.

An American mother wants M&Ms to remove artificial dyes from M&Ms because she claims they make children hyperactive. What she doesn’t realize is that when her kids are eating M&Ms, the dye is probably the healthiest ingredient in the bag.

A new app helps people obtain and share their STD results. Which asks the question, why are you on a dating site full of people being tested for STDs?

A study says that binge drinkers likely don’t share that information with their doctor. Probably because he will tell them to stop.

A study says that binge drinkers likely don’t share that information with their doctor. In a related story, people who eat pizza for every meal, never get off the couch and practice unsafe sex with hookers probably don’t tell their doctor about those habits, either.

A study says that binge drinkers likely don’t share that information with their doctor. Although their doctors can probably figure it out when their patient cancels a late afternoon appointment because it’s too close to Happy Hour.

The CDC says that most problem drinkers are not alcoholics. Mostly because most alcoholics won’t admit their drinking is a problem.

A report says the number of cancer deaths is dropping. Mostly because people are dying from obesity caused heart attacks before they live long enough for cancer to develop.

57 year old magician David Copperfield has gotten engaged to his girlfriend, a 28 year old French model. Apparently his greatest illusion was convincing her he was able to saw his age in half.

57 year old magician David Copperfield has gotten engaged to his girlfriend, a 28 year old French model. Apparently she was the only one who couldn’t see through his illusion that he is actually straight.

Jimmy Fallon says that he probably drank too much after leaving “Saturday Night Live.” Which at least gave him a break from when he starts drinking again when he sees what the ratings do after he takes over “The Tonight Show.”

The stars of the reality show “Honey Boo Boo” are recovering from minor injuries suffered in a car accident. The accident was officially listed on the police report as just a boo-boo.

The stars of the reality show “Honey Boo Boo” are recovering from minor injuries suffered in a car accident. It was the worst accident associated with a reality show cast other than the weekly train wreck viewers get to watch every week on “The Kardashians.”

Heisman Trophy winning Johnny Manziel of Texas A&M has reportedly hired an agent. He isn’t going to the NFL. The agent is just going to negotiate with the school for a higher salary, better car and more time off like other Heisman winners.

A 49 Million year old cockroach fossil was found by scientists. It wasn’t a difficult discovery. Apparently researchers just ordered a Taco Bell Burrito Supreme and there it was.

The CMS, the agency in charge of the healthcare.gov website is looking for a new Chief Technology Officer, with starting pay $119,000 a year. Apparently they are already interested in transferring over from the Pentagon the person who came up with the $400 hammer and $600 toilet seat.

The CMS, the agency in charge of the healthcare.gov website is looking for a new Chief Technology Officer, with starting pay $119,000 a year. People were shocked at the news. Healthcare.gov has a Chief Technology Officer?

The CMS, the agency in charge of the healthcare.gov website is looking for a new Chief Technology Officer, with starting pay $119,000 a year. The only problem is that applicants have to sign up online and it could take several days to apply and a few more months to actually be processed with the final decision expected some time in 2016.

The U.S. trade deficit is down to $34.3 Billion. Which just means that the rest of the world refuses to sell us any of their stuff until we work off some of our $17 Trillion debt.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The arctic cold snap that affected most the nation seems to be letting up. It was so cold in Alabama, people’s gums were actually chattering. It was so cold in Minnesota, people would have sworn they were in Minnesota. The trick to beating the cold is to read these jokes. And when you do, turn the thermostat up to 80 degrees. And of course it always helps to warm up the room whenever you remember to send the love!

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