Tuesday, January 07, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


O’Hare International Airport in Chicago was colder than the South Pole on Monday. Not only was the South Pole warmer, it was a lot easier to catch a flight anywhere near to being on time.

O’Hare International Airport in Chicago was colder than the South Pole on Monday. Of course, it’s always that way for anyone dealing with a representative at the United Airlines window.

JetBlue shut down its flights to Boston, New York City and Newark because of the cold on Monday. Which was no big deal since those flights would have just had to sit on the tarmac behind JetBlue’s flights to those cities left over from Saturday and Sunday.

Snowy owls have been reported as far south as Florida because of the recent cold weather. They can tell the migrating snow birds are from the north because they always leave their blinkers on and like to eat around 4 in the afternoon.

A study says that one in five at-risk middle school kids have sexted naked pictures of themselves. The other four don’t have accounts on Myspace.

A study says that one in five at-risk middle school kids have sexted naked pictures of themselves. The other four still think they need to hit the gym and lose a few more pounds before they start.

A new toothbrush synchs with a smartphone app that records how well a person has brushed their teeth. That’s nothing new. People have been turning to the Internet trying to hook up with some oral for years.

The DMV in Nevada says that 75% of immigrants fail the driver’s license written test. Apparently the most common error was asking to be hit with a 16 while the dealer showed a bust card.

The DMV in Nevada says that 75% of immigrants fail the driver’s license written test. The other 25% didn’t need a license as they had already lost their car’s pink slip in the casino at the high stakes poker tables.

A smartphone app will allow drivers to parallel park their cars remotely. Which is good because most people are not even remotely close to being able to parallel park by themselves.

A smartphone app will allow drivers to parallel park their cars remotely. Not only does it guide people into their space, it also calls for a tow truck to haul away the two other cars the person smashes into while trying to fit into a spot that is way too small.

The FBI has changed its primary mission from “law enforcement” to “national security.” People were shocked. A government agency has a mission?

The FBI has changed its primary mission from “law enforcement” to “national security.” In a related move, Congress admits its primary mission has changed from doing very little to doing pretty much nothing.

The FBI has changed its primary mission from “law enforcement” to “national security.” The IRS has also changed its primary mission, from collecting income tax to waiting for someone to actually have an income again.

Researchers say that the first Monday of the New Year is known as “Blue Monday”, the most miserable day of the year. Especially fans of the Kansas City Chiefs who watched their team throw away a big lead to lose their playoff game the weekend before.

A Senate candidate from Nebraska is proposing to move the nation’s capital to his state. That could be a good thing. It would mean all the Big Oil and Wall Street lobbyists would instead be switching over to push for corn flakes to be made the national food.

The CEO of MGM Resorts says that Japan will be bigger than Las Vegas when it comes to gambling. Mostly because American casinos end up sinking all their profits in trying to keep the buffet tables stocked.

A study says that women who drink while pregnant tend to have better behaved children. Which brings a whole new meaning to a baby being bottle fed.

A study says that women who drink while pregnant tend to have better behaved children. Especially the ones who keep getting a little Pinot Grigio mixed in with their late afternoon feeding.

A study says that most Super Bowl commercials don’t help a company’s sales. Except for companies selling beer and pizza who make up most of their yearly sales on Super Sunday.

The Advocate magazine says that Washington, D.C. is the gayest city in the U.S. That’s a pretty bold statement considering that Clay Aiken only announced his plan to run for Congress a few days ago.

The Advocate magazine says that Washington, D.C. is the gayest city in the U.S. Which apparently means it has more Pottery Barn outlets per capita than anywhere else. 

Spirit Airlines has announced a “Get Mile High” discount to fly to Colorado following the state’s legalization of marijuana. Which disappointed travelers who thought it was a guarantee to join the Mile High Club by booking a flight with them.

Scientists say they found the 13,000 year old remains of Stone Age hunters whose teeth were rotted by a high carb diet. Or they could have rotted by laying around for 13,000 years.

An Alabama woman won two $90,000 casino slot machine jackpots in two days. Which means she can now finally afford her life long dream. Being able to move out of Alabama.

A New Jersey woman is suing her neighborhood’s developer because of a hostile, aggressive neighbor. The developer says she should have known better than to buy a house near the Governor’s Mansion.

A teacher in Iowa claims to have lost 37 pounds by eating three meals a day for three months at McDonald’s. The trick is that they brought the meals into McDonald’s from the Subway next door.

Protesting Goodyear Tire workers in France took two of their bosses as hostages. They say they will keep them until it’s time to rotate them with another set of hostages.

GM, Ford and Chrysler workers are likely to get a record profit sharing bonus this year. Ford and GM workers will get their bonuses due to record company profits. Chrysler workers will be paid extra for cutting losses by building fewer cars.

A study says that company wellness programs may not save employers any health care costs. Mostly because their health insurance company pretty much is going to raise their premiums no matter what happens anyway.

Even though marijuana is now legal in Colorado, employees can still get fired for smoking pot. Apparently restaurant workers are afraid if their workers are high, there won’t be any food left to sell to their customers.

A report says that health care spending was up only 3.7% in 2012. Which means that property values in the Hamptons where health care executives vacation must have gone up 3.7%.

A report says that health care spending was up only 3.7% in 2012. Mostly because only 3.7% of Americans still have jobs that offer health insurance.

Delta has retired its last DC-9, the oldest plane still in the U.S. fleet. Apparently it would have been retired sooner, but was stuck for three years on the tarmac behind several JetBlue planes still waiting to take off.

Delta has retired its last DC-9, the oldest plane still in the U.S. fleet. The plane was so old, the flight attendants were still actually serving meals on the flights.

Delta has retired its last DC-9, the oldest plane still in the U.S. fleet. The plane was built in 1978. The good news is that several passengers were notified that their luggage from the flight they took in 1978 had finally arrived.

A study says that fear of childbirth is linked to postpartum depression. Although the postpartum depression really kicks in once the hospital bills from the maternity ward start arriving.

A study says that it is pointless to try to get young, low income moms to marry. Mostly because it would disqualify them from their dream to get a part on “Teen Mom.”

A study says that student athletes need to take a break from school after getting a concussion. Isn’t taking a break from school work the whole point of becoming a student athlete in the first place?

A New York girl was given a free nose job by a non-profit group that fixes facial deformities. The only group that has paid for more nose jobs for young girls is the association known as Beverly Hills Dads.

A New York girl was given a free nose job by a non-profit group that fixes facial deformities. All she has to do is find groups that will pay for a boob job and tummy tuck and she will be ready for Spring Break.

A report says that Americans are living longer than ever. Which is more bad news for any neighbors of Donald Trump.

A report says that Americans are living longer than ever. If the average American lives to be 78.5 with our diet and lack of exercise, it proves anyone wrong who says we don’t have the best health care system in the world.

A study says that meditation can help with the symptoms of anxiety. Mostly because if you have time to sit down and meditate it means you don’t have a job, kids or bills that are causing all the anxiety in the first place.

Courtney Stodden, who married a 51 year old man when she was 16 says she doesn’t agree with “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson saying that women should get married as teenagers. Possibly because she was still a teenager when her marriage ended.

The Smiths singer Morrissey says he compares eating meat to pedophilia. Someone better make sure he sticks to the salad bar if he ever eats at a Chuck E. Cheese.

The fourth season premier of “Downton Abbey” set a record for the highest ratings for a PBS drama. Which pretty much means it beat out “Masterpiece Theater.”

The fourth season premier of “Downton Abbey” set a record for the highest ratings for a PBS drama. Although it still doesn’t stand a chance against even reruns of “Seasame Street.”

Evander Holyfield is being criticized for calling homosexuality a “disability.” Which is ironic as even homosexuals say the idea of another man biting off a piece of their ear is too gay for them.

Maxim magazine has named Eva Longoria “Woman of the Year.” Apparently it is a retro issue commemorating 2005 which was the last time anyone paid any attention to Eva Longoria or Maxim.

The Nancy Kerrigan-Tonya Harding scandal is 20 years old. It happened so long ago that Kerrigan is starting to look a little long in the tooth.

A Bigfoot hunter claims he killed the beast and has proof. In an unrelated development, has anyone seen Russell Brand lately?

Chevrolet and Priceline have created an in-car hotel booking service. Apparently it’s for people who want to get a hotel room so they can take a break from having to live in their car.

Scientists say that stimulating specific neurons in rats with light can get them to stop drinking. Because who wants drunk rats running around the house at 3 in the morning?

A study says that the average woman will kiss 15 men, enjoy two long-term relationships and have her heart broken twice before finding “The One.” Or as Lindsay Lohan calls that, a pretty good Saturday night.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is a comfy three below zero here today with a wind chill of -20. Which makes it easy to crack jokes when it is this cold because everything is else is cracking. I hope some of them even crack you up a little. You can always let me know that they do when you take the time to remember to send the love!

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