Sunday, January 05, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Former “American Idol” runner-up Clay Aiken is reportedly considering running for Congress. Although if anyone could be judged on their ability to fit in with Congress based on their singing talents, it would be William Hung.

New contact lenses will bring TV screen images right to the wearer’s eyeballs. Which would be so ironic when someone is watching “One Tree Hill” while driving right before they swerve into an oak tree on the side of the road.

A Florida woman gave birth in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Which is actually what is covered under the health care plan that is available to all Wal-Mart employees.

An Iowa man was arrested for pulling a knife on his brother in a fight over a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. His defense is how else are you going to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

The Catholic Church is training a new generation of priests to meet a growing demand for exorcisms. Apparently the church is misunderstanding people, thinking they are saying they are “possessed” when they are complaining about everything they own being repossessed.

“The Wolf of Wall Street” broke the record of the number of F-bombs dropped in a movie at 506. There haven’t been that many F-bombs dropped in a movie theater other than by the people leaving after spending $8 to see an Adam Sandler film.

“The Wolf of Wall Street” broke the record of the number of F-bombs dropped in a movie at 506. Which means there are more obscenities in that film than there are total words in any movie ever starring Clint Eastwood.

“The Wolf of Wall Street” broke the record of the number of F-bombs dropped in a movie at 506. Who wrote the screenplay, Ozzy Osbourne?

“The Wolf of Wall Street” broke the record of the number of F-bombs dropped in a movie at 506. The dialogue was so blue the only one who was qualified to be the script girl on set was Paris Hilton.

Del Taco has come out with a 150 calorie turkey meat taco. Which contains even fewer calories than that since no one has actually been able to finish one yet.

A bookless digital library has opened in Texas. Which is not to be confused with the other Texas library that doesn’t have any books, the George W. Bush Presidential Library.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos was rescued by the Ecuadorian Navy after suffering a kidney stone attack while on vacation. Apparently they were happy to help him since the Ecuadorian Navy bought its entire fleet on Amazon.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos was rescued by the Ecuadorian Navy after suffering a kidney stone attack while on vacation. Not only did they transport him to his own jet, there was no charge since his membership in Amazon Prime comes with free shipping.

Smartphones will soon come with sensors that react to people’s needs ahead of time. For example, when the smartphone owner starts texting while driving, the phone will use its GPS to summon an ambulance to the tree the driver will soon be hitting.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz says he hopes to renounce his Canadian citizenship “soon.” Apparently he is waiting until he sees he has no chance to ever be elected President in the U.S. and doesn’t want to cut out his chances for running for Prime Minister.

Inmates at San Quentin Prison are being trained in technology for when they are released back into society. Although they are already much more qualified to instead take jobs working on Wall Street or in Washington, D.C.

A paper says that economists agree that raising the minimum wage would reduce poverty. Which most people are now making because they got no warning back in 2008 from economists that the entire economy was going to crash.

A study says that older workers are not taking jobs from younger people. Mostly because there aren’t any people over 50 who still have jobs in the first place.

The U.S. is hoping for its first Olympic bobsled gold medal in 78 years with the help of a bobsled designed by BMW. Although if the Bobsled Team wanted a vehicle that careened out of control down an icy slope with no chance of stopping, they should have had the design made by Chrysler.

A report says that retiring Baby Boomers will hurt consumer spending and economic growth. The good news is that in this economy, Baby Boomers still won’t be able to retire for another 30 years.

A study says that having a daily routine helps people in getting a full night’s sleep. Unless that routine includes stopping by Starbucks and having a full strength coffee that will keep you awake for the next three days.

A study says that no harm is caused by pregnant women drinking moderately. Which in Lindsay Lohan’s case, moderate drinking means cutting back to two breakfast Mimosas.

A study says that no harm is caused by pregnant women drinking moderately. Which is more good news for Britney Spears’ two sons.

A study says that no harm is caused by pregnant women drinking moderately. Who even commissioned that study, Seagrams?

A report says the obesity rate has tripled in the developing world. Which is good news in at least those countries now can’t complain about being hungry.

A report says the obesity rate has tripled in the developing world. Which means so has the average waist size in those countries.

An Indiana couple had a rare set of naturally conceived identical triplets. To which the Octomom is saying “Amateurs!”

Colorado teen addiction centers are gearing up for an increase in business from legalized marijuana. Why can’t they just be like other teens and be addicted to video games, the couch and fatty snacks?

A study says that parents are stifling their children with exaggerated flattery. Which will fortunately never be an issue with any of Alec Baldwin’s kids.

A study says that germs stay longer on the surfaces of cribs, children’s toys and books longer than were previously thought. Which is good news for newborns and toddlers who don’t use those anymore because they are now spending all their time with their iPad.

A study says that younger adults who have had shingles have a higher risk of heart attacks and strokes. Not because of the shingles, but because most younger adults smoke, drink and are probably overweight.

Tom Arnold says he has lost 89 pounds in a year. Which comes after losing his first three wives, his income and pretty much his career.

Harry Connick, Jr. says that “American Idol” judges have to be real and tell it like it is. The first thing they have to tell like it is would be why they had to take a gig on a show that no one has watched since 2009.

Kate Winslet says that her baby won’t have the same last name as her husband, Ned Rocknroll. Apparently it is going to be hard enough to explain to the child through his life why they decided to give him the first name “Bear.”

“Tia and Tamera” has been canceled by the Style Network after three seasons. Which prompted most people to ask “What is ‘Tia and Tamera’?”

Jay Mohr has apologized to Alyssa Milano for insulting her. Apparently he said the car he was washing for her looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in years, and that she barely tipped him for drying it by hand.

Prince William has enrolled in a 10 week agricultural management course at Cambridge. Apparently his new responsibility as heir apparent to the throne will be to make sure there is water in all the fresh cut flowers brought to Buckingham Palace every day.

Ke$ha has checked into rehab for an eating disorder. Apparently it is the same loss of appetite that everyone else gets after listening to Ke$ha’s music.

A report says that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are back together. Apparently she has that something that is just missing in his life. An income.

Washington Nationals star Bryce Harper says he wants to gain around 30 pounds for the upcoming season and be “as big as a house.” He must be serious as he reportedly has hired David Wells to be his trainer.

A study says that King Tut was mummified with an erection. That was 3,000 years ago. And doctors are warning men using Viagra to be concerned when it works for more than four hours.

Microsoft stock shares went up 34% in value in 2013. Mostly because Microsoft didn’t release any new versions of Windows.

Scientists at Michigan Technological University are looking to see if there is any evidence of time travelers who give themselves away on social media. Apparently what they are looking for are pictures of what people have eaten for breakfast some time in 2018.

Scientists at Michigan Technological University are looking to see if there is any evidence of time travelers who give themselves away on social media. Apparently what they are really looking for is any sign that Michigan Technological University will still be around in another couple of years.

An analysis says the cost of NSA phone records collecting is outweighed by any benefits. Of course, the only benefits is that the program gives jobs to the people who are working for the NSA.

An analysis says the cost of NSA phone records collecting is outweighed by any benefits. The only real benefit would have been if the NSA were able to intercept any of Anthony Weiner’s naked selfies before they went viral.

The NSA is refusing to deny that it has been spying on members of Congress. What are they worried about? How long can it take to check to see if any members of Congress are actually doing something?

The 49ers are playing the Packers in Green Bay, where the wind chill is expected to drop to -30. In fact, it could actually fall lower than Tony Romo’s QB rating.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Most of the country is dealing with record cold temperatures on the way. It could get so cold in L.A. that women are being cautioned to not smile or laugh otherwise their Botox injections could completely shatter. Which means everyone reading this blog is still safe. One thing you can do to keep yourself warm is to make sure to remember to send the love!

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