Friday, January 03, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says the uncle of North Korea Dictator Kim Jong-un was executed by being stripped down and eaten alive by 120 starving dogs. That is what would be known as the ultimate definition of irony.

 A report says the uncle of North Korea Dictator Kim Jong-un was executed by being stripped down and eaten alive by 120 starving dogs. A Korean being eaten by dogs would be like a vegan choking on a chickpea salad wrap.


The father of conservative talk radio, Bob Grant has died at age 84. He was the first to substitute a microphone for sitting on his porch and yelling at everyone to get off his lawn.

The father of conservative talk radio, Bob Grant has died at age 84. If nothing else, he found something for AM radio to do for the past 30 years.

The temperature in Winnipeg on Tuesday was actually colder than a report of the temperature on Mars at 20 degrees below zero. You know it’s bad when the people there are wishing they were in a warmer climate, like Fargo.

The temperature in Winnipeg on Tuesday was actually colder than a report of the temperature on Mars at 20 degrees below zero. Which means all those people who recently signed up for a trip to the red planet can save eight months of space travel and just take a ride along the Trans-Canada Highway.

PETA is sending women wearing only lettuce bikinis out into the cold in Minneapolis to promote a vegan diet. Ironically, the only thing the walking salads will be missing will be the dressing.

PETA is sending women wearing only lettuce bikinis out into the cold in Minneapolis to promote a vegan diet. Going out in subzero temperatures wearing lettuce means having to find models who have the same IQ as a salad.

A poll says that 59% of uninsured Americans say they had a negative experience with Obamacare. As opposed to the negative experience of trying to get or pay for medical care without any health insurance.

Wal-Mart in China is dealing with donkey meat that was contaminated with fox meat. The store apologized, saying the fox meat was supposed to be labeled as beef and sent to its stores in the U.S.

A Florida man was arrested for attacking his girlfriend with a banana. He is being charged with using a bad metaphor.

A Florida man was arrested for attacking his girlfriend with a banana. Apparently the man didn’t realize that in Florida he could have avoided arrest completely if he had just shot her instead.

The Washington, D.C. suburb of Falls Church, Virginia has the highest yearly median income in the U.S. at $121,000. The nation’s capital would have the highest income except that when the national debt is figured in, people there make about negative $10 Million a year.

An Indianapolis man was arrested for stealing human brains from a museum and selling them on eBay. He would have sold his own but obviously doesn’t have any.

An Indianapolis man was arrested for stealing brains from a museum and selling them on eBay. The weird part of that story is who is buying human brains on eBay?

A study says that having a daily routine is linked with better sleep. Mostly because it’s hard to stay awake after being bored by doing the same thing over and over every day.

A report says that people who look at mobile devices too much can suffer from eye irritations from not blinking enough. If someone isn’t blinking while using their cellphone, it’s a pretty good bet they just don’t want to miss any of the porn they are watching.

CNN has dropped to a 20 year ratings low in Prime Time. It’s getting so bad, that the 360 in “Anderson Cooler 360” is referring to the number of people watching.

CNN has dropped to a 20 year ratings low in Prime Time. It’s getting so bad that CNN actually topped their own list for the biggest disasters of 2013.

“Duck Dynasty” is coming out with their own line of guns. Apparently it’s the same model of firearm that Phil Robertson uses to keep shooting himself in the foot.

Germany has opened the world’s first restaurant just for cats and dogs. The only problem is that the dogs that go there keep trying to order the cat at the next table.

Germany has opened the world’s first restaurant just for cats and dogs. Not to say it caters to wealthy pets, but the plumbing uses Perrier water for dogs that can’s stand drinking tap water from the toilet.

A survey says American consumers were the most upbeat in 2013 since the start of the recession. Mostly because it has been so long that everyone has forgotten what it is like to have a job, a house and some extra cash lying around.

A Canadian woman gave birth to twins on New Year’s Eve, one arriving in 2013 and the other after midnight in 2014. Which means that any time they ever get in an argument, her husband will have to listen to how she was in labor for over a year.

Military propaganda websites are close to being shut down because of budget cutbacks at the Pentagon. Now anyone in a foreign country who wants to listen to U.S. government-influenced ideological jingoistic biased news reports will just have to request their cable operator to carry Fox News Channel.

A study says that people who have health insurance actually tend to go to the ER more often. Mostly when they go into shock seeing that their insurance company is refusing to pay any of their medical bills.

A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans favor a ban on semi-automatic weapons. The bad news is that they want semi-automatic weapons banned because they would prefer automatic weapons that shoot more bullets faster.

Ford has developed a solar powered car for every day use. The only problem is all the gas powered cars that make so much smog that the solar powered cars can’t get enough sunlight to run on.

A study says that texting and dialing while driving is dangerous, but just talking on the phone isn’t. Mostly because since texting, Internet and video games have come to cellphones, no one uses them to make phone calls anymore.

Beanie Babies founder Ty Warner said having an “unhappy childhood” should make him eligible for probation and not prison for tax evasion. Apparently he was able to become happy as an adult by making a billion dollars and not paying any taxes on it.

Beanie Babies founder Ty Warner said having an “unhappy childhood” should make him eligible for probation and not prison for tax evasion. Instead, he has given thousands of children the chance to be happy by making 40 cents a day making Beanie Babies.

A report says the wealthiest people in the world became a half trillion dollars richer in 2013. Apparently those were the ones who got the inside information to not buy any Facebook stock.

GM has added several security measures to make their Tahoe nearly theft proof. The biggest deterrent is attaching a Chrysler hood ornament on the SUV.

GM has added several security measures to make their Tahoe nearly theft proof. Apparently they just put the EPA mileage estimate right on the window where the thieves can see how much gas it uses.

A study says that nearly all cars will be self driving by 2050. Which will save millions of gallons of gasoline by just eliminating men driving around hopelessly lost for hours because they won’t stop and ask for directions.

Alicia Keys is out as creative director at Blackberry. If she is responsible for Blackberry’s creativity, watch for her next album to come out some time this year on vinyl.

The owner of a pat dispensary in Colorado says that marijuana sales are three times as high as they were before legalization. Which is also true of his customers.

A study says that weekend drinking by young adults can damage their DNA. Which means that people should just keep their heavy drinking confined to Monday through Friday.

A study says that heart disease is tied to dementia in older women. Especially the ones who keep forgetting where they put their heart medicine.

A study says that an inexperienced driver who reaches for a cellphone increases the risk of crashing by 700%. But so does anyone else who is driving down the same street as Lindsay Lohan.

A study says that an inexperienced driver who reaches for a cellphone increases the risk of crashing by 700%. An inexperienced driver meaning someone who hasn’t put in at least 500 hours behind the wheel while texting.

A study says that parents who let teens use electronic devices during meals serve less nutritious food and have poorer family communication. Ironically, the kids are usually using the devices to post pictures of the meal they are eating on Facebook.

A study says that a hormone can take the high out of marijuana. Which as most people will tell you that marijuana will pretty much annihilate someone’s hormones when they are high.

A study says that tripling the cigarette tax could save 200 Million lives this century. Mostly from people not being able to afford cigarettes and avoiding being assaulted by militant non-smokers.

A study says that stopping smoking may cut the risk of cataracts. If you are getting cataracts from smoking, you are putting that cigarette in the wrong place.

The FDA says that diet supplements can’t cure concussions. The only way that food can prevent concussions is if people quit eating bananas so others won’t slip on the peels and hit their head on the ground.

A survey says that Americans are willing to exercise while binge watching TV. Unfortunately, that exercise is getting up off the couch and walking to the kitchen to get more potato chips.

“Iron Man 3” was the top grossing film of 2013. And the top gross film of 2013 was Adam Sandler’s “Grown Ups 2.”

“The Hobbit” was the most pirated movie of 2013. Mostly by people who wanted to see the movie but didn’t want to be seen waiting in line at the theater along with hundreds of geeks and nerds.

Dwyane Wade missed a wide open layup in a game against the Warriors. Apparently his mind was too busy trying to come up with an explanation to his new fiancee as to how he just became a father to another woman’s baby.

A poll says that the Dallas Cowboys are America’s least favorite team. Forget taxes and Obamacare. This could really be the issue that sets Texas to secede from the union.

Scientists say that dogs’ favorite position while pooping is aligning with a north south axis according to the Earth’s magnetic field. Although it’s probably easier to just to carry a compass with you in case you get lost.

Scientists say that dogs’ favorite position while pooping is aligning with a north south axis according to the Earth’s magnetic field. You just want to make sure during that time to pet the positive end and not the negative.

Scientists say that dogs’ favorite position while pooping is aligning with a north south axis according to the Earth’s magnetic field. Which is why dog’s always sniff each other’s butts, because it is an attraction between the positive and negative sides.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the new year is all of three days old and I have already broken all my resolutions. Although I still have 362 days left to actually put some funny jokes on here so don’t give up yet. I just hope your resolution includes making sure to always send the love!

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