Thursday, January 16, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A lawmaker is threatening a bill to make TSA agents more polite. Apparently it would require them to at least heat up the lubricant before performing full cavity searches.

A lawmaker is threatening a bill to make TSA agents more polite. The law would at least make them say “please” before pulling grandpa out of his wheelchair to check his underwear for explosives.

A Chinese firm is working to allow parents to to pick the “smartest” embryo when they plan to have a child. Apparently the company decided to come up with the technology to prevent the country from having to go through their own version of “The Kardashians.”

A Chinese firm is working to allow parents to to pick the “smartest” embryo when they plan to have a child. In other words, people should be careful about marrying anyone from France.

The NFL is considering fining players who defy doctors’ orders and continue to play while injured. As opposed to players like Tony Romo who keep going on the field against the wishes of their fans.

Former NFL tackle Lomas Brown estimates half of all NFL players use marijuana. The other half thinks it leaves a bad aftertaste, especially right after taking steroids.

 Former NFL tackle Lomas Brown estimates half of all NFL players use marijuana. He may have a point. They are constantly eating, blame their forgetfulness on concussions and only work one day a week.

California Governor Jerry Brown has ruled out a run for President. He is 75 years old. If he runs in 2016 even John McCain is thinking about running against him on a youth movement.

California Governor Jerry Brown has ruled out a run for President. He is 75 years old. Apparently he feels that dealing with Congress would be like suddenly having 535 grandchildren to discipline.

A 22 year old Irish mountain biker had an erection lasting seven weeks after an injury while riding. Although he wasn’t identified, the other riders knew it was the guy who never had to use his kick stand.

A 22 year old Irish mountain biker had an erection lasting seven weeks after an injury while riding. Fortunately, he was Irish so no one could even tell.

A study says that 11 Million young people have left Facebook since 2011. Mostly because during that same time, 11 Million parents joined.

Thieves tried unsuccessfully to steal the ashes of Sigmund Freud in London. Police say the suspects could be armed with ongoing problems in primary relationships and difficulties with self-esteem.

Washington, D.C. is considering decriminalizing marijuana. And you thought that it took forever to get anything done in the nation’s capital now.

Some lifeguards in Newport Beach, California are making yearly incomes of more than $100,000. Mostly because that kind of income in California means you are living in your car, but at least their job gets them a good parking spot where they can say they live at the beach.

Some lifeguards in Newport Beach, California are making yearly incomes of more than $100,000. Not only are they paid an exorbitant wage, but they hardly ever save any swimmers when they are always running down the beach in slow motion.

A report says that global piracy is at its lowest level since 2007. Mostly because after last year, pirates can’t find anyone to video movies with releases like “The Lone Ranger”, “Grown Ups 2” and “A Madea Christmas.”

President Obama has announced an institute to create manufacturing jobs. Unfortunately, the only jobs he has been creating are jobs for people to try to figure out how to get other people working.

President Obama has announced an institute to create manufacturing jobs. Don’t we already have that? It’s called China.

A cheating scandal at an Air Force nuclear missile base in Montana involves as many as three dozen officers. No one knows why they resorted to cheating. It’s not like it’s rocket science.

Some children running a lemonade stand in San Francisco area are accepting Bitcoins for payment. A Bitcoin’s current value is around $850. Their only problem is coming up with $849.75 in change for every order.

Some children running a lemonade stand in San Francisco area are accepting Bitcoins for payment. A Bitcoin’s current value is around $850. Which means Starbucks may start accepting them as a down payment on a large mocha latte.

Wells Fargo has topped J.P. Morgan as the nation’s most profitable bank. J.P. Morgan actually made more money but they keep having to give a lot of it back in fines and paybacks to the people they stole it from.

Google is being accused of breaking Canada’s privacy laws. It’s the law that says “Why don’t you just leave us alone, eh?”

A poll says the government is still rated as the top U.S. problem by Americans. If there was just some way we could change out the people who are in office every two, four or six years, we might finally be able to do away with this issue for good.

GM is forecasting a “modest” profit gain in 2014. That means they are only expecting around a $5 Billion government bailout this year.

NASA has issued warnings of the safety of “space taxis” that could shuttle astronauts back and forth to the International Space Station. For one thing, minority astronauts are having a tough time getting any of them to stop and pick them up.

NASA has issued warnings of the safety of “space taxis” that could shuttle astronauts back and forth to the International Space Station. Apparently the ideas for the taxis came about when Pakistan entered the space race and we knew they could supply the drivers.

J.C. Penney will be closing 33 stores and laying off 2,000 people. When asked how they feel about going on unemployment, the Penney’s workers said they could use the raise.

J.C. Penney will be closing 33 stores and laying off 2,000 people. The only question is where will be for people who want to buy clothes to go to 1950s costume parties be able to shop now?

A hedge fund manager says he lost $1 Million in a deep sea treasure hunt that started with someone buying a map from a drifter in a Florida bar. And people are wondering how the financial institutions were able to bring down the economy?

The prosecutor in the Rod Blagojevich case has been hired by the New Jersey Assembly in the Bridgegate probe. The first thing he is doing is going through the records to see if he can find any pictures of Chris Christie in an Elvis jumpsuit.

The Federal Reserve says U.S. economic growth was healthy over the holidays. Apparently people had enough money to start buying the presents they haven’t been able to hand out to the people on their gift list since 2009.

The U.S. is charging Wal-Mart for retaliating against workers protesting against the company’s labor practices. Which shows it’s OK to mistreat your workers as long as you don’t get mad at them when they complain.

The U.S. is charging Wal-Mart for retaliating against workers protesting against the company’s labor practices. How could Wal-Mart retaliate against their employees? It’s not like there is some way you can demote someone who works at Wal-Mart.

A survey says that married couples without children are happier, except in wealthy, English speaking countries. Mostly because people in wealthy, English speaking countries hire poor, non-English speaking nannies to raise their kids.

A Canadian study says that school health programs improve physical fitness levels. The programs mostly tell students the best way to become more fit is to get out of Canada.

A study says that alcohol consumption is the direct cause of 80,000 deaths each year in the Americas. No one had any idea that many people participated in fraternity rush week every year.

A study says that alcohol consumption is the direct cause of 80,000 deaths each year in the Americas. One of those fatalities was even tied to Coors Light, when someone drinking a Silver Bullet was hit by a car while crossing the street looking for a restroom.

The CDC says Asian Americans are the thinnest people in the country. Which isn’t that hard to do. Even those statues of Buddha are pretty much considered borderline obese anymore.

A study says a ban on certain types of chemicals lowers human exposure to those chemicals. Did it really take chemical engineers to figure that one out?

A study says a ban on certain types of chemicals lowers human exposure to those chemicals. That could lead to other similar discoveries, like eating less might cause people to lose weight.

A study says that heavy drinking can speed up memory loss in middle aged men. Which is pretty much why middle aged men are drinking in the first place.

Several inmates at a Tennessee jail were sickened by “white slime” chicken products. No one even knew that inmates were able to get takeout from KFC.

Several inmates at a Tennessee jail were sickened by “white slime” chicken products. The term “white slime” hasn’t been used at Tennessee jails since people were routinely arrested for vagrancy during segregation.

Researchers say that drinking sugar free cocktails can make people more drunk. Men just need to make sure when they want to speed up the process of getting their date drunk they don’t suggest a diet mixer because she could stand to lose a few pounds.

Ke$ha has checked in to a 30 day treatment facility for an eating disorder. The bigger question is when will she go visit a specialist about her hearing impairment?

Ke$ha has checked in to a 30 day treatment facility for an eating disorder. The irony is that most people who are receiving treatment for eating disorders find that listening to Ke$ha’s music is the easiest way to make themselves throw up.

The L.A. County Sheriff’s Department says it has “no regrets” on the show of force at Justin Bieber’s mansion in connection with an egging incident. The problem is that Bieber is from Canada and doesn’t realize the only way for celebrities to avoid law enforcement in California is to murder someone.

Kris Jenner says that somebody “got really out of line” in the Kanye West assault of a teenager. In other words, this could be an extended episode, a special or even a brand new spinoff program.

The new CBS show “Intelligence” is about a man who can access the Internet with a chip in his brain. Of course, anyone who could really do that wouldn’t be watching CBS and would instead be streaming programs online.

“Happy Days” is celebrating its 40th anniversary. Not to say that Fonzie is getting a little old, but he arrived at his latest public appearance on a Rascal claiming that his Harley is still “in the shop.”

“Happy Days” is celebrating its 40th anniversary. Not to say that Fonzie is getting a little old, but instead of saying “Heyyyyyy” when he enters the room he now cups his ear when someone is talking to him and says “Ehhhhh?”

The wife of Miami Dolphins quarterback Ryan Tannehill left an AR-15 rifle in the trunk of a rental car. Apparently it is sparking rumors her husband might be in a trade deal with the Oakland Raiders.

The wife of Miami Dolphins quarterback Ryan Tannehill left an AR-15 rifle in the trunk of a rental car. It’s the first time a Dolphin’s wife has been associated with an assault weapon since Mrs. Flipper freaked out after her husband came back in a can of tuna.

Pitcher Clayton Kershaw has signed a 7 year, $215 Million deal with the Dodgers. Which means he will be making almost enough to buy as many homes with Dodger money as the McCourts.

The Philadelphia 76ers have cleared rookie center Nerlens Noel for limited on-court work. Which means he can suit up any time they are scheduled to play the Clippers.

The Philadelphia 76ers have cleared rookie center Nerlens Noel for limited on-court work. Pretty much like every other player on the 76ers.

The “Doomsday Clock”, a visual metaphor for how close the world is to nuclear destruction has been set again at 11:55. To which Michelle Bachmann is complaining that the group in charge isn’t saying if it’s AM or PM.

The “Doomsday Clock”, a visual metaphor for how close the world is to nuclear destruction has been set again at 11:55. The really bad part is that when we hit Daylight Saving Time again we are all goners.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thousands of West Virginians are still without water service after a chemical spill in the Elk River in Charleston, which is where I live. So at least I have an excuse now if none of these jokes make any sense. And you wonder where I get material for this stuff. Between the government, big business and Lindsay Lohan it’s a steady stream of gag ammunition. So who needs clean water? All I need is for you to remember to keep sending the love!

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