Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The U.S. has dropped out of the top ten of a list of economically free countries. Which is confusing due to the number of companies who are finding it economical to have employees who are working nearly for free.

A court decision could allow Internet providers to start charging websites like Google to reach users. Apparently the court came up with the ruling after googling “extortion.”

A court decision could allow Internet providers to start charging websites like Google to reach users. Which means broadband companies have just been given a license to steal by being able to charge men for access to porn sites.

Atlantic City casino revenue failed to reach $3 Billion for the first time in 22 years. However, operators are optimistic that online gambling may turn that around. Players can get the thrill of gambling without the misery of having to go to New Jersey.

Sheriff’s deputies in California raided Justin Bieber’s house with a felony warrant after an egg throwing incident. If Bieber is convicted of a felony he could face a fine, extra chores and being sent to his room without dessert.

Sheriff’s deputies in California raided Justin Bieber’s house with a felony warrant after an egg throwing incident. He has now had recent brushes with the law for graffiti and egging. What’s next in his attempt to get street cred, ring and run?

Sheriff’s deputies in California raided Justin Bieber’s house with a felony warrant after an egg throwing incident. Police may have stopped a rash of crimes as they also found several rolls of toilet paper along with some bottles of Diet Coke and Mentos.

A lawmaker in Wyoming is proposing using a firing squad for executions. The only problem is that most murders in Wyoming end up with acquittals when the suspects say it was a mercy killing.

A lawmaker in Wyoming is proposing using a firing squad for executions. Apparently it’s to prevent anyone from saying it is cruel and unusual punishment to use a lethal injection on a murderer who is afraid of needles.

A study says that married couples without children are happier. Mostly couples who would like to use their basement for something other than a crash pad and video game arcade for their 40 something unemployed dropout.

A study says that married couples without children are happier. Apparently there are two kinds of parents; those who are stressed because they have teenagers and those who are stressed because one day their kids will be teenagers.

A report says that half the counties in the U.S. haven’t recovered from the recession. The other half are still waiting to get out of the depression.

A study says that religion helps cut crime. Mostly because the Catholic Church usually settles with the parents of altar boys before any charges can be brought. 

A study says that religion helps cut crime. Unless you have ever belonged to a church led by Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker or Ted Haggard.

Scientists have developed a world wide web for robots that will allow machines to share information. The only problem is keeping them from looking at the centerfold section on the website for Popular Mechanics.

Former Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood says the U.S. is “one big pothole.” Apparently he wasn’t talking about the roads but about Colorado and Washington State legalizing marijuana.

A study by a criminology professor says that the rate of mass shootings in the U.S. has been stagnant for the past 34 years. Only in the U.S. is it considered a victory that at least all the gun violence isn’t getting any worse.

A study says the happiest countries are those that are wealthy, but not too wealthy. Well, finally some good news for the U.S. after the past six years.

The man accused of killing another man in an argument over texting in a Florida movie theater is being held without bond. People were surprised. No one even knew that George Zimmerman was a film buff.

A Texas man imprisoned since 1995 for a murder many say he didn’t commit has been freed on bond. His supporters say it was a miracle. Not that he was released, that he was able to stay on death row in Texas for 19 years and not be executed.

Scientists say that cats consider their owners overgrown dumb cats. Mostly because it’s hard to tell the difference between cats and people when they both sleep 20 hours a day and just get up to eat.

A Virginia city is reconsidering a 1963 law that requires them to name certain streets after Confederate military leaders. Apparently people are getting confused trying to navigate through all 23 of their Lee Streets.

The widow of Florida Representative C.W. Bill Young is in line to be paid a $174,000 death benefit. Apparently many feel the amount is a bargain considering how much taxpayer money the congressman would be spending if he were still alive.

Several Nigerians have been arrested under the country’s new anti-gay law. When will Nigeria pass legislation that actually does some good, like an anti-Internet-scheming-prince law?

Luxury car companies are in a race to make smaller SUVs. Is that really what people want? That sounds about as practical as a mid size family sports car.

A study says that companies that screen the social media sites of job applicants alienate those candidates. Apparently job seekers don’t want potential employers knowing what they just ate for breakfast.

A survey says that Journey has two selections on the list for best driving songs. The two picks are “The wheels on this car aren’t turning” and “Don’t stop believing that traffic will actually start moving again.”

A survey says the worst song to listen to while driving is “Who Let The Dogs Out.” Mostly because it means your car has such a bad sound system you can only receive a channel that plays “Who Let The Dogs Out.”

A survey says the worst song to listen to while driving is “Who Let The Dogs Out.” In fact, it’s pretty much the worst song to hear any time except while getting executed because at least then you know it will stop.

A report says that holiday hiring hit a 14 year high. The bad news is that most of the job hires for the holiday season were for retailers in their theft prevention division.

Beanie Babies creator Ty Warner was given probation and not prison for his conviction on tax evasion. Apparently the reason was the statute of limitations had run out since no one has actually bought a Beanie Baby since 1997.

Beanie Babies creator Ty Warner was given probation and not prison for his conviction on tax evasion. That would have been ironic if he had to serve time because Beanie Babies were traded based on their value by size, color and availability. Kind of like prison inmates.

A study says that young people store memories in high definition. Mostly because all their memories are based on what they do all day which is staring at video game graphics.

A study says that living in a dangerous neighborhood can lead to stress and depression. And people thought everyone in Detroit was sad because they are Lions fans.

A study says that living in a dangerous neighborhood can lead to stress and depression. Possibly from living in a dangerous neighborhood.

The CDC says that only one third of all U.S. adults 18-65 got a flu shot last year. That number was skewed even more by Alex Rodriguez who reported getting 25 or 30 “flu” shots during the baseball season.

Jerry Lewis has been selected to receive a lifetime achievement award from a publicists group. Mostly because he has kept a publicist on his payroll even though they haven’t had a reason to send out a press release since 1962.

Jon Gosselin says he has had a vasectomy. People were surprised at the news. Who would have sex with Jon Gosselin?

Christine McVie has rejoined Fleetwood Mac. Which is huge news for anyone who is still living in 1974. 

Christine McVie has rejoined Fleetwood Mac. Apparently even she wants to finally find out what the heck “Tusk” was about.

A record number of underclassmen have declared themselves for the 2014 NFL draft. Apparently some are just using it as a negotiating tool to raise the amount of money they will get paid by their university for their last couple of years.

DirecTV is no longer carrying The Weather Channel because of a contract dispute. Apparently it has to do with Jim Cantore demanding an extra DVR and free HBO, Cinemax and Starz.

DirecTV is no longer carrying The Weather Channel because of a contract dispute. You would think with all their forecasters, The Weather Channel would have seen this one coming.

Target is detailing a free credit monitoring service. As opposed to their old system where the cards were only monitored by hackers.

Ashton Kutcher has invested in the Washio app that provides laundry service. With Kutcher’s involvement, there is word the service may change its name to “Dude, where are my jockey shorts?”

A study says that digital billboards are not overly distracting to drivers. Mostly because they are too busy texting, eating and talking on their cellphones to actually ever look at any billboards.

Scientists are putting backpack-like sensors on bees to study colony collapses. The hardest part was making sure the boy bees got the Transformer backpacks and the girl bees got the Barbie backpacks.

A polls says that one in four Americans are satisfied with the direction of the U.S. The other three are still trying to figure out which direction that is.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is proposing longer school days and a longer school year. Apparently he is concerned about kids missing so much school from the traffic delays his administration has been causing.

The approval rating of Congress is at 13% to start the new year. That is up from 9% last year. Apparently taking off all of December for Christmas has made at least 4% of people forget what a crummy job they are doing in the Capitol.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! West Virginia is getting closer to having water service back across the state. Apparently people in Los Angeles are making fun of us here with our water situation. What’s wrong with some chemicals in the water supply? Southern Californians have been living with chemicals in the air since 1957. You don’t need chemicals to read these jokes. But I definitely feel the chemistry when you send the love!

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