Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Energy Department is rolling out software to help people measure the energy efficiency of their homes. Otherwise known as the monthly power bill.

Former MLB Commissioner Fay Vincent says that Alex Rodriguez is a victim of hubris in a modern day Greek tragedy. Although nowhere in Oedipus does it mention him pulling in $25 Million a year.

Two Southwest Airlines pilots have been grounded after landing at the wrong airport on a flight that was supposed to go to Branson, Missouri. The passengers were unhurt and were only concerned that they were able to be bused into Branson by 4:00 for dinner.

A toxicologist says that Alexander the Great’s death may have been caused by drinking toxic wine. No one even knew that Gallo port was around back then.

A toxicologist says that Alexander the Great’s death may have been caused by drinking toxic wine. And you thought your HMO was a little slow in getting back lab results.

The government in Turkey is seeking an increased control over Internet access. Apparently they want all the working passwords from the five people in Turkey who actually have computers.

The government in Turkey is seeking an increased control over Internet access. They will know they have pretty much shut things down when there are no more pictures on Facebook of the kebabs people are eating for dinner.

A new app notifies a person’s boss by text that they are quitting. Using social media to quit is nothing new. It was done first by Anthony Weiner.

A new app notifies a person’s boss by text that they are quitting. Although anyone who is too lazy to even let the boss know they are quitting by themselves probably should have been fired anyway.

A study says that caffeine boosts a person’s long term memory. Mostly because it’s hard to forget paying $7.50 for a large mocha latte.

Call centers are using an artificial empathy program to determine a caller’s mood and personality. It is especially helpful for cable companies who can assess whether someone calling about service is angry, furious or ballistic.

A supercomputer has modeled one second of human brain activity. Which for men pretty much dealt with the computer porn they were looking at, the computer porn they were going to look at and whether their wife could see what they were doing.

A report says that NSA data collection has no discernible impact on terrorism. Especially since the terrorists caught on and all their phones ask if their refrigerator is running and if they have Prince Albert in a can.

Seismologists say that Seattle Seahawks fans made the ground shake in last week’s playoff game against the Saints. Which could work against them this weekend by causing a minor earthquake which would make the San Francisco 49ers feel right at home.

A Chicago woman fatally shot her brother in an argument about whether her gun would fire. And you thought it was bad when your kids would just tattle on each other.

An Iranian news agency says the U.S. is run by Nazi space aliens. Which does add a little more logic to the reports about what the NSA has been doing.

An Iranian news agency says the U.S. is run by Nazi space aliens. No one even knew that Iranian radio picked up Rush Limbaugh.

A study says that gamers may hallucinate after playing video games for hours at a time. Which is pretty much the goal to make them forget they have no friends, no job and are living in their parents’ basement.

A man was shot and killed in a Florida movie theater after an argument about texting during the film “Lone Survivor.” Apparently the shooter read way too much into the movie’s title.

The Octomom has been charged with welfare fraud for not reporting earnings she made as a stripper. Apparently the IRS became suspicious when she made a bank deposit of $30,000 all in ones.

The Octomom has been charged with welfare fraud for not reporting earnings she made as a stripper. She claims it really wasn’t stripping since whenever she is topless she always has a couple of kids breastfeeding on her.

AK-47 inventor Mikhail Kalashnikov was reportedly tormented in his later years over the casualty toll from his gun. Which is nowhere near as guilt wrenched Bill Gates feels over releasing Windows Vista.

Los Angeles reported its lowest homicide rate since 1966. Although most of that is the result of the Clippers not getting killed every time they take the court anymore.

Maryland will limit hospital charges statewide. Which is good news in that it will prevent anyone going in for a headache from also having a heart attack after being billed $40 for an aspirin.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg will release a version of her book “Lean In” for recent college graduates. Apparently it will be called “Lean Times.”

A survey says that 17% of American workers expect to be laid off this year. The other 83% say they won’t worry about it until they actually get a job.

A survey says that 17% of American workers expect to be laid off this year. The other 83% are still under age 50.

Building your own pizza is the latest trend for casual dining. Mostly because people like the practice since they are just a paycheck away from having to get a job working at Dominos.

The U.S. posted a $53 Billion budget surplus in December. Mostly because Congress took off pretty much the whole month for Christmas and weren’t there to spend all our money.

U.S. Airways and American Airlines have started code sharing for booking flights. That means customers can make one call and experience both U.S. Airways’ disorganization along with American Airlines’ rude and arrogant service.

Pizza Hut is testing selling pizza by the slice. How bad is the economy when people have to buy their pizza in installments?

Alex Rodriguez is suing Major League Baseball over his suspension for the 2014 season. At this point O.J. Simpson has a better case to be allowed to play in the NFL again.

A report says that 1 in 4 Obamacare enrollees are young adults, with the majority being middle aged. People are shocked. Who would have thought that Baby Boomers would have better luck navigating through the Obamacare website than Gen Xers?

DirecTV is threatening to black out The Weather Channel over a fee dispute. Also because they blame The Weather Channel every time customers lose service from rain fade.

DirecTV is threatening to black out The Weather Channel over a fee dispute. It is getting so heated that DirecTV has already started issuing forecasts for The Weather Channel, calling for visibility of zero.

DirecTV is threatening to black out The Weather Channel over a fee dispute. DirecTV is telling viewers if they want to be frightened by a forecast, they can always look to see how the economy is doing over on CNBC.

A report says that nearly half of all people hospitalized for the flu are obese. Apparently those are the people who are always confused on whether to starve or feed a cold or fever.

A report says that nearly half of all people hospitalized for the flu are obese. Of course, the other half of obese people are in the hospital for high blood pressure, strokes or heart attacks.

A quick pen and paper test is said to be able to spot signs of dementia. Especially when the person taking the test is 80 years old and wants to draw a horsey.

A quick pen and paper test is said to be able to spot signs of dementia. Mostly when the person taking the test spends 20 minutes trying to remember where they put the pen and paper.

A study says The MTV show “16 And Pregnant” reduced the number of teen births. Apparently kids are much more interested in being like the Kardashians and becoming famous and getting a TV show for doing absolutely nothing.

A study says that school drug testing doesn’t deter students from smoking pot. Is that a surprise? It’s not like academic testing has ever gotten kids to study and do their homework.

A study says that brain training may help aging brains stay sharp. The real test is when the seniors stop buying magazines from Publishers Clearing House thinking they have a chance to be the grand prize winner.

A study says that the obesity rate has been declining for wealthy kids but increasing for the poor. Mostly because the wealthy kids’ parents can just cut them a check to have lap band surgery when they get a little too heavy.

HBO is picking up “The Newsroom” for what they say will be its last season. Apparently the show is modeled after CNN and to make it more real figure like the network someone should pull the plug after this year.

“The X Factor” may not return for a fourth season and if it does could be using a new format. Apparently the audience would like the contestants to be judging Simon Cowell on how he has screwed up in putting on such a bad show.

Michael Douglas has been signed to play in the movie “Ant-Man.” Getting a nearly 70 year old actor to play a role based on an insect is a good sign the super hero genre has pretty much played itself out.

Beyonce has written an essay in the annual Shriver Report which says that gender equality is a myth. That’s true. Not many men could hope to ever be as wealthy and famous as Beyonce.

David Cassidy’s manager says that a dispute over “The Partridge Family” profits led to his drinking and most recent DUI arrest. Hollywood experts were shocked. “The Partridge Family” made a profit?

David Cassidy’s manager says that a dispute over “The Partridge Family” profits led to his drinking and most recent DUI arrest. How sad is it that Cassidy is still living off residuals from 1974?

David Cassidy’s manager says that a dispute over “The Partridge Family” profits led to his drinking and most recent DUI arrest. That can only mean some lead up publicity for a boxing match between Cassidy and Danny Bonaduce.

The Chicago Cubs have their first mascot in modern history, a bear named Clark. Just like the team, the bear goes into hibernation right around October.

An online gaming company is offering New York Giants receiver Hakeem Nicks $88,800 to change his name to “888.com.” Which just barely avoids a copyright dispute with Donald Trump who owns the rights to anything having to do with “666.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The water is back on for much of West Virginia. That means I can finally try to wash the stench off from some of these jokes. The next best option is a full exorcism, or the best way when you remember to send the love!

No comments: