Friday, January 10, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says the George Washington Bridge scandal has left him “embarrassed and humiliated.” Hasn’t he suffered enough, already being governor of New Jersey.

Lending companies are mining Facebook and other social media to determine if borrowers are credit worthy. For one thing, if they are on Facebook all day they are probably going to lose their job pretty soon.

Lending companies are mining Facebook and other social media to determine if borrowers are credit worthy. How banks can tell a person’s credit from the pictures of their meals they are posting online is anyone’s guess.

Lending companies are mining Facebook and other social media to determine if borrowers are credit worthy. Of course, they are working on the assumption that anything people post on Facebook about themselves is the truth.

The White House is denying the charge from former Defense Secretary Robert Gates that Vice President Biden is often wrong. They want to set the record straight that Biden is always wrong.

Marijuana shops in Colorado are running out of product after the legalization of pot. The problem is that the shop owners are being affected by second hand smoke and keep forgetting to reorder.

Marijuana smokers want the right to take pot with them on flights. The airlines are all for it, knowing they can make a fortune by tripling the price of all their inflight snacks.

The Post Office has been ordered to rehire a National Guardsman they fired in 2000 for taking too much time off. Postal authorities say they rehired him in 2001, it’s just that they sent him the notice by mail and it hasn’t been delivered yet.

A dead tiger was found in an SUV in China. Police say at this time it appears to have been killed with a 9 iron.

A town in Arizona has banned council members from texting and e-mailing during meetings. Apparently residents are upset that the distractions are taking the meetings pas 4 in the afternoon when everyone is ready to head out for dinner.

Alaska is getting closer to becoming the third state to decriminalize marijuana. Which is good news for pot smokers who think it is always just too hot in Colorado and Washington State.

The Indiana Chamber is backing a law that would allow employers to not hire smokers. Which would go into effect just as soon as there are actually any jobs available in Indiana.

An al Queda backed Somalia militia has banned the Internet. To which most Somalians are asking “What’s the Internet?”

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is asking why Canada wouldn’t consider decriminalizing marijuana. Now why would he be interested in asking about that?

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is asking why Canada wouldn’t consider decriminalizing marijuana. Apparently eating a few pot brownies takes the edge off a good crack high.

The NFL is being sued by a fan for “unfair” distribution of Super Bowl tickets. Apparently some consider it unfair that only people with an extra $5,000 in pocket change get to go to the game.

The NFL is being sued by a fan for “unfair” distribution of Super Bowl tickets. How about suing the NFL for charging thousands of dollars for a ticket only to have to go see the game in New Jersey?

Butter consumption in the U.S. is at a 40 year high, as people are staying away from the trans fats in margarine. Only in the U.S. is a high fat dairy product considered to be health food.

A report says that bosses are more likely to be satisfied with their job, household and financial situations. Mostly because the people they fire now have no job, go broke and lose their families.

IBM super computer Watson has gotten its own business in New York City which will include analyzing medical records to suggest treatments. If it knows so much about medicine, why not just put it in charge of fixing up the Obamacare website?

An experimental Medtronic blood pressure device missed its goal in a recent study. Not only did it not reduce blood pressure in patients, the failure also raised the blood pressure level several points of all its stockholders.

Hong Kong based company Li & Fung is launching a factory safety business. The only problem is that being from China, the company is only used to protecting the safety of factory workers who are ten or younger.

A new kind of chest implant may help people with sleep apnea who can’t breathe at night. As opposed to the chest implants that when men get a glimpse of makes it difficult for them to breathe during the day.

Scientists have been able to use bits of intestines stored since 1849 in a Philadelphia medical museum to decode an early strain of cholera. And you thought the diagnosis team at your HMO was slow to get results.

Companies trying to reduce obesity have cut the intake in the daily American diet by 78 calories. Which has about the same effect as it would on cutting back smoking by putting only 19 instead of 20 cigarettes in a pack.

A study says that 70% of adults report some sort of digital eye strain. As opposed to before the computer age when digital eye strain was caused by Moe poking Curly in the eyes with his fingers.

Some players advocates are saying that football would be safer if helmets were banned from the sport. The only problem is that with no concussions, how would the NFL find anyone hazy enough to sign a contract to play for the Cleveland Browns?

A report says that fewer Americans are being diagnosed with lung cancer. Not that they don’t have it. It’s just that after losing their job and health insurance in the economic crash they can’t afford to go see a doctor to get it diagnosed.

The Surgeon General’s report on the dangers of smoking is being credited with saving 8 million lives. Now all we need is for the Surgeon General to do reports on video games, fast food and staring at the cellphone all day.

A former contestant on “The Bachelor” says the show’s producers intentionally humiliated and embarrassed her. Mostly by showing that she was a contestant on “The Bachelor.”

A Chinese film director was fined $1.2 Million for violating the country’s family limits and having three children. Apparently as a film director he was just used to having a few extras.

A Lindsay Lohan docu-series is set to premier in March on OWN. Producers wanted to air it on MSNBC since it would be a natural to follow right behind “Lockup.”

The Military Channel will change its name to the American Heroes Channel. In a related story, C-SPAN will change its name to the Three Stooges Network.

The Military Channel will change its name to the American Heroes Channel. In a related story, CNN changed its name but no one has tuned in to even notice yet.

Kelly Osbourne and Justin Bieber went on a graffiti spree together. It was the biggest case of vandalism involving Bieber since the release of his records that assaulted millions of ear drums.

Rory McIlroy reportedly asked permission from fiancee Caroline Wozniacki’s parents before asking her to marry him. The only problem was convincing them that it really won’t look that bad with the Nike swoosh prominently displayed on her wedding dress.

Wrestler Ric Flair says he received death threats from Carolina Panthers fans after giving the San Francisco 49ers a pep talk last weekend. Fortunately, he knows that any death threats coming from wrestling fans will always be fake.

Dodger outfielder Yasiel Puig has hired his cousin to drive him around after a second reckless driving arrest. 8 Million people in Los Angeles and he has to take driving lessons from Lindsay Lohan.

$1 Million worth of pizzas have already reportedly been ordered on the Pizza Hut XBox 360 app. How fat and lazy are we getting that people are now using their video game consoles to order junk food?

California exports are reportedly back up to pre-recession levels. Mostly thanks to the fact that all that northern California pot is being sold to legalized marijuana shops in Colorado and Washington State.

A new clip on gadget keeps tabs on the posture of the person wearing it. Otherwise known as the electronic version of your mom.

Jumbo phones, otherwise known as “phablets” are starting to go mainstream. The way things are going, If phones get any larger they will pretty much be the 21st Century version of the boombox.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A water emergency is going on in parts of West Virginia due to a chemical spill. No drinking tap water. Or as they say in L.A., “What’s tap water?” And right after we finally get indoor plumbing. Wouldn’t you know it. Oh, well. If you can’t send the H20 you can at least send some of the l-o-v-e!

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