Thursday, January 02, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Michigan’s Lake Superior State University has called for “banning” the words “selfie”, “twerk” and “hashtag.” If that were to happen, it would also pretty mean the end of Miley Cyrus.

Doctors and hospitals are bracing for confusion stemming from the start of Obamacare. Mostly from insurance companies having to come up with a whole new set of reasons not to pay for anyone’s medical bills.

The new Tikker watch counts down the estimated time until the user’s death. The interesting part is that the watch drops down close to zero every time Dane Cook takes the stage.

The new Tikker watch counts down the estimated time until the user’s death. Apparently it drops down close to zero when it senses the wearer pulling out their phone and starting to text while they are driving.

A New York couple has been charged with neutering their pets themselves to save money. The husband just needs to be very careful when he mentions to his wife about possibly getting a vasectomy.

A report says many Americans feel the recession hasn’t ended yet. Mostly because they are still in the middle of the depression.

A city in Sweden is calling to replace ice cream truck jingles with text messages. The only problem will be having ice cream truck drivers running over all the kids from being distracted by texting while driving.

A city in Sweden is calling to replace ice cream truck jingles with text messages. Apparently people are bothered by the noise even on the three days in Sweden it is warm enough to sell ice cream.

Scientists say they can identify people using their heartbeat, ears and even their bottoms. In fact, that’s pretty much how we already recognize Dick Cheney, President Obama and Kim Kardashian.

A couple in their 60s has run a marathon a day for 366 straight days. The sad part is they both have Alzheimer’s and can’t seem to remember where they parked their car.

A giant yellow duck has burst and deflated for a second time in a Taiwan harbor. The only other duck-related event releasing that much hot gas was Phil Robertson’s interview with GQ.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un praised the recent execution of his uncle. If nothing else, that will teach his other relatives to give him a Chia Pet for Christmas.

The first legalized sales of recreational marijuana have started in Colorado. Pot users across the state are gearing up for getting high when they celebrate New Year’s Eve sometime next month.

Pope Francis I stressed strength, courage and hope in his New Year’s address. Especially for any boys who are still planning on signing up to be altar boys.

A fight is set on the Navajo Reservation over same sex marriage. That means when someone says “How”, no one really wants to know the answer.

Former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is said to be near death after spending the past eight years in a coma. In other words, his condition pretty much hasn’t changed.

Fiat says it will buy up the rest of Chrysler for $4.35 Billion. Apparently the company feels it will be worth the money so they can still brag that Fiat is not the worst car on the market.

The stock market finished its best year since 1995. To show how bad things are with the economy, that means the stock market was doing just as well even when it still had Pets.com.

The stock market finished its best year since 1995. Unfortunately, everyone who made money in 1995 was pretty much wiped out during the crash of 2008.

Campbell has recalled 300 cases of Prego spaghetti sauce for possible spoilage. What is it called when Prego sauce goes bad? Ragu.

The Post Office made its holiday deliveries on time, even with a 19% increase in business while UPS and Fed Ex struggled. Of course, the packages the Post Office delivered before Christmas were presents that were mailed in 2010.

Mark Zuckerberg and his wife lead a big jump in charity giving by the wealthy last  year. His biggest charitable contribution was buying all the Facebook stock that propped up the value for the other buyers so they didn’t get completely wiped out when it tanked.

A Chicago jeweler lost $151,000 in a promotion where he gave away jewelry when it snowed more than three inches on New Year’s. It’s the first time that snow ever resulted in a loss of ice.

An analysis says that despite Obamacare protections, many consumers may be underinsured. Which means that could start up a whole new industry of people buying insurance to insure them against their insurance.

An analysis says that despite Obamacare protections, many consumers may be underinsured. Which just means they are just like everyone else who has ever had health insurance.

The staff at a British hospital is wearing fat suits to understand what obese patients are going through. If that works, they will start wearing Groucho glasses and nose disguises while working in the plastic surgery clinic.

The staff at a British hospital is wearing fat suits to understand what obese patients are going through. Apparently it’s for hospital workers who always wondered what it was like to be an American.

A study says that Vitamin E may slow the symptoms of Alzheimer’s Disease. The way to tell that it is working is when the patients can remember where they put the Vitamin E.

A report says that ski helmets may not reduce the number of brain injuries on the slopes. Apparently the study was pretty much done seeing the damage done even with a helmet to the brain cells of Bode Miller.

A study says that visitors to theme parks follow similar movement patterns as scavenging birds, flocking insects and gliding sharks. The sharks, of course being the ones with a Fast Pass.

A study says that visitors to theme parks follow similar movement patterns as scavenging birds, flocking insects and gliding sharks. No one even knew animals had a tendency to forage for $4 churros.

A Reddit user posted his $55,000 hospital bill for an appendectomy. Not only did they take out the defective organ, the procedure also removed his wallet, stock portfolio and 401(k) at the same time.

Kim Kardashian has released a video detailing the year in review of her romance with Kanye West. In other words, it’s a box set of Season 8 of “The Kardashians.”

Kim Kardashian has released a video detailing the year in review of her romance with Kanye West. It’s a new move for Kardashian, who has never released a video prior to this where she is actually wearing clothes.

NASA is criticizing Beyonce for using some audio from the Challenger explosion, saying the accident should never be trivialized. Of course, the only ones who have trivialized the dangers of space travel more is NASA.

Newark Liberty International Airport is showing a free 3D movie in one of the terminals. Apparently the goal is to relax passengers by taking their mind off the fact they are in Newark.

Newark Liberty International Airport is showing a free 3D movie in one of the terminals. The only problem is that it is just several episodes strung together of “Jersey Shore.”

Newark Liberty International Airport is showing a free 3D movie in one of the terminals. Apparently the movie shows someone being strip searched. People swear it feels like it is really happening to them until they realize they are in the TSA security line and it is.

Former “The Sopranos” actor Lillo Brancato, Jr. has been released from prison after nearly a decade behind bars. Now there is someone who has taken method acting to a whole new level.

Tim Tebow says he is “the best he has ever been” as a quarterback. Mostly because he isn’t playing in the NFL anymore.

Tim Tebow says he is “the best he has ever been” as a quarterback. Mostly because now that he is an ESPN analyst, he has found it a lot easier to play the position from the armchair.

The Toronto Maple Leafs beat the Detroit Red Wings 3-2 in a shoot out in front of 105,000 fans at Michigan Stadium. Of course, as with all other Detroit shootouts the 105,000 witnesses say they “didn’t see nothin’.”

The Toronto Maple Leafs beat the Detroit Red Wings 3-2 in a shoot out in front of 105,000 fans at Michigan Stadium. It was the largest crowd ever to watch an NHL game. Or as the Detroit Lions call 105,000 fans, a pretty good season.

Speed skater Maria Lamb made it from the ER with a throat infection back on the ice to qualify for the U.S. Olympic team. It was the most heroic Winter Olympic performance since every one of Bode Miller’s medal winning runs which all came while he was severely hung over.

Target says an unknown number of gift cards were not properly activated over the holidays. Of course, at Target a “gift card” is now anyone’s credit card they used at the store which is now being used by the hackers who got its number.

A series of brain teasers called “Test of Wits” shows that iPhone users are the smartest. At least the ones who have figured out a way to get service by any other company besides AT&T.

A series of brain teasers called “Test of Wits” shows the least smartest are the people using Blackberrys. Mostly because those are the same people who haven’t figured out how to get an upgrade since 2005.

Research shows that people experience similar emotions in the same areas of their bodies. Like how most people feel their lunch coming up when they see Miley Cyrus start to twerk.

Snapchat and Skype reportedly both had security breaches from being hacked. The only ones not concerned are the three people who actually appeared on both those sites while wearing clothes.

The federal government has bought land in Arizona that may hold several dinosaur fossils. It is the only federally protected dinosaur sanctuary recognized in Arizona other than the front porch of John McCain.

Russian President Vladimir Putin has wished President Obama a Happy New Year. Apparently Putin is just glad to have Obama around because his Administration makes it looks like things are going great over in Russia.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope your New Year has started out on a good note. The way to really make it all good is to make it your resolution to be sure to always remember to send the love!

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