Sunday, December 08, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Researchers say recordings of brain activity could lead to mind reading devices. Do we really need those? For most men, on Sunday afternoons it’s a pretty safe bet they are thinking about parking it on the living room couch for the next 12 hours for football, beer and snacks.

A report says that the federal prison population has increased by 27% over the past decade. If they let all those inmates out, they might just have enough cell space for all the Wall Street bank executives who should be doing time there.

The AOL news editor and chief is leaving the company. Not to say the company is a little slow with their technology, but their latest banner headline is “Men Walk On Moon.”

A survey says that office holiday parties are likely to be a little cheerier this year. Except for the ones that will be held on Christmas Day during the 15 minute lunch break for all the employees who have to put in a 12 hour work shift.

Seattle is celebrating the one year anniversary of its legalization of marijuana. It is also marking the one year point since anyone under 30 has shown up for work on time or that anyone at Washington State University has gotten an “A”.

Seattle is celebrating the one year anniversary of its legalization of marijuana. It has also been one year since people stopped saying “lunch time” and now call it “high noon.”

A newlywed couple in Pennsylvania has been arrested for murdering a victim they found with a Craigslist ad because they wanted to kill someone together. Apparently none of this would have happened if they would have just lived somewhere where it was warm enough so that they could have made golf their year round hobby.

A Florida man has been arrested after leaving his baby in the car for three hours while inside a Florida strip club. The sad part is that he was just in there to visit the baby’s mom.

An anti-terror effort by the CIA which included posing as business executives has been called a “colossal flop.” If they really wanted to scare off terrorists by the damage they could inflict, they should have pretended to be Wall Street bank executives.

Senator Rand Paul is pushing “economic freedom zones” for Detroit. They already have them. The city’s economy is free from any property taxes, jobs and businesses.

The Woman’s Christian Temperance Union is targeting marijuana use. Which freaked out the all pot users who got high and thought they had gone back in time to 1920.

Satanists are seeking to put a statue on the Oklahoma State House next to a sculpture of the Ten Commandments. Apparently the Satanists’ work will just point to the Commandments and say “Disregard.”

President Obama will soon propose NSA surveillance changes. Apparently the President is mad that despite all the NSA snooping, no one in the agency passed it along that the Obamacare website team had no idea what they were doing.

A business school dropout says he hopes to build the “Anheuser Busch” of marijuana. If that doesn’t work he could always fill baggies with oregano and become the “Coors Light” of marijuana.

Unemployment in the U.S. has fallen to a five year low of 7%. Fortunately, minimum wage jobs count or else that number would be up to about 83%.

Unemployment in the U.S. has fallen to a five year low of 7%. It would be about 22% but the rest of the people who have no job have now been reclassified as taking “early retirement.”

$450 Starbucks metal gift cards sold out in a matter of seconds. The only faster way to see $450 disappear is to order a couple of large mocha lattes at Starbucks.

A poll says that wealthier people in the U.S. are more likely to shop online. Mostly because the poor people have found that it is a lot easier to shoplift when you are actually inside the store.

McDonald’s has pulled some Emily Post suggestions for employees on how to properly tip au pairs, dog walkers and fitness trainers. Instead they should have put in more practical advice for workers, such as how much to tip the EMS paramedics who come to the park where they live to treat them for hypothermia on cold nights.

A Georgia man has been ordered to pay his fiancee $50,000 after breaking off their engagement. Fortunately it was all taken care of in Family Court since his fiancee was also his cousin.

A Georgia man has been ordered to pay his fiancee $50,000 after breaking off their engagement. Apparently the court felt it would be a lot easier to come up with a cash settlement than actually cut the double wide in half.

A former Goldman Sachs trader has been sentenced to nine months in prison for covering up an $8.3 Billion trade. Not only that, he was fired for not just saying he did it and now they need a government bailout.

A former Goldman Sachs trader has been sentenced to nine months in prison for covering up an $8.3 Billion trade. The good news for the trader is that he can sue his lawyer for malpractice for not being able to get him off the hook while every other Wall Street executive is still free after crashing the entire global economy.

The federal health care exchange has reportedly been incorrectly determining some people are qualified for Medicaid when they aren’t. Just like HHS incorrectly determined that some people were qualified to design the Obamacare website who obviously were not.

Federal officials say they are making new rules for senior drivers. Although seniors are the first to point out none of them have ever run into a tree while writing letters on their Smith-Corona typewriter.

A study says that TV shows geared towards 8-12 year old viewers have female characters who are more focused on looks and appearance than the male characters. Mostly because all females in Hollywood know as soon as they develop a wrinkle or gray hair, their career is pretty much down the toilet.

A study says that TV shows geared towards 8-12 year old viewers have female characters who are more focused on looks and appearance than the male characters. Although it would be nice if any of them would actually put some time into some acting lessons.

A study says that women who are happy with their bodies are better able to maintain healthy relationships. Especially if they are with a man who is happy with the woman’s body.

Scientists say a new approach may ease tinnitus, a severe ringing in the ears. The first step is to stop listening to radio stations that play Justin Bieber songs.

Federal health officials are warning people about “cannibal sandwiches”, a snack with raw meat mixed with onions and served in Wisconsin. It’s the first warning of cannibal food since a woman found a finger in her Wendy’s chili.

Federal health officials are warning people about “cannibal sandwiches”, a snack with raw meat mixed with onions and served in Wisconsin. The only thing as unhealthy as eating raw meat and onion is eating the meat and onion after they are cooked.

The Obama Administration says that errors on medical records affected about a quarter of all people trying to sign up for Obamacare online. Which means it was a good thing that the website crashed so it didn’t cause more people to get the wrong plan.

Kelly Clarkson says her pregnancy has been “miserable” with her getting sick at least a dozen times a day. The only person more sick and miserable is Justin Guarini when he thinks where he could have been if he would have beaten Clarkson on “American Idol.”

Don Rickles is recovering from a flesh eating virus. No one even knew Rickles was still working with an agent.

Don Rickles is recovering from a flesh eating virus. Which is ironic since Rickles pretty much made a career out of doing the same thing in his act.

Heidi Klum says she is afraid of plastic surgery. Of course, it’s easy to say that when it’s all the other women who are going through with plastic surgery to try to look like Heidi Klum.

The Disney movie “Frozen” won the box office race over the weekend, making $31.6 Million. Apparently most people went to see it thinking it was a Weather Channel documentary on the weekend’s winter storm.

New York Jets owner Woody Johnson says he is happy with the way things are going with the team. Of course, everyone says that the week they are scheduled to play the Raiders.

New York Jets owner Woody Johnson says he is happy with the way things are going with the team. His team is 6-7. After saying that, he got a call from the owner of the Cubs asking if he was interested in buying a baseball team that would continue to make him just as happy.

An Olympic Gold Medal won y Jesse Owens was auctioned off for $1.4 Million. It was the most money ever associated with Olympic memorabilia other than the amount put into surgery on Bruce Jenner’s face.

The NSA is citing a Reagan era executive order to justify collecting cellphone data. Which means that the NSA should only be able to collect data from cellphones from the Reagan era, which are only those that are larger than a loaf of bread.

The Federal Register, the daily journal of the U.S. Government reportedly still uses floppy disks. Interestingly enough, the employees of the registry are the only ones who have been able to successfully sign up for insurance on the Obamacare website.

A report says that the computer passwords for two million people have been found on a cyber criminal’s server. Apparently the hacker got them all by guessing every one of them was “password.”

AT&T says it doesn’t have to disclose its dealings with giving customer information to the NSA to shareholders. Mostly because they figure the NSA isn’t going to waste its time going through every AT&T call to find the three that actually were completed.

Researchers are proposing that people use stories and pictures to help them remember their computer passwords. Or they could actually just remember the password.

Researchers are proposing that people use stories and pictures to help them remember their computer passwords. Although the question is what pictures and stories can you use to remember “1-2-3-4-5”?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only 16 more shopping days until Christmas. Only 17 more days until Christmas. And only 18 more days until it’s time to declare personal bankruptcy. But there is always time to make sure to remember to send the love!

No comments: