Friday, December 06, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Health experts say there could be 135 Million people worldwide suffering from dementia by 2050. Mostly people who are trying to get by financially now who will be happy to forget what the economy was like when they were younger.

Researchers say that a sense of determination can be induced in people with electrical brain stimulation. Mostly the determination to get away from researchers who trying to electrocute them.

A study says that the holiday season brings out the worst in drivers. The good news is that it gives some drivers the chance to finally use the handguns they were given last Christmas.

A study says that the holiday season brings out the worst in drivers. Body shops around the world always report a surge in business after Christmas from a fat man with a beard who needs to have a few dents taken out of his reindeer.

The House held hearings on space aliens this week. Apparently some of the congressional Republicans completely misunderstood what their constituents meant when they said they wanted immigration reform.

Kanye West played to an arena in Kansas City that was only one fourth sold out. Apparently he needs to talk to his future mother-in-law Kris Jenner about how to become a complete sellout.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says he is against Obamacare and even his own country’s all inclusive medical plan. In fact, Canadians are worried about their health care system when they have to start paying for medical care for an obese, drinking crackhead.

Fisher Price is selling a baby seat that comes with its own iPad. The only difference these days with raising a child than in the past is that a pacifier now costs $500.

Fisher Price is selling a baby seat that comes with its own iPad. The worst part is when your child finally says its first words and they are “Wi-Fi.”

A report says that CEO Alan Mulally will stay at Ford through 2014. Apparently he is sentimental and wants to be around just long enough to watch the last vehicle Ford ever makes roll off the assembly line.

The Paris Metro subway has issued politeness manuals to try to improve the behavior of passengers. They are dealing with Parisians. t would probably be a lot easier to just move the Metro to another city.

The Paris Metro subway has issued politeness manuals to try to improve the behavior of passengers. The next move for the Metro will be to hire crews to pick up all the discarded manuals.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says that claims he tried to buy the video that showed him smoking crack is a lie. Of course, this is the same person who said that claims he smoked crack were a bunch of lies.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says that claims he tried to buy the video that showed him smoking crack is a lie. Mostly because he was too wired to even realize that someone had taken video of him smoking crack.

A report says that U.S. pregnancies are down overall but up with older women. Which is mostly a result of Kevin Federline approaching middle age.

A former Democratic State Senator from Oklahoma has been found guilty of bribery. People were shocked. Apparently election officials knew something was wrong when a democrat was elected in Oklahoma.

J.P. Morgan is warning customers that their personal data may have been stolen during a cyber hack. That is, if there are still any of their customers who have any money left after J.P. Morgan helped crash the economy.

A UCLA report says that California is continuing an uneven economic recovery. An uneven recovery is the same term used by the UCLA football team to describe how their future looks.

A Swiss company says it can turn a deceased person’s ashes into diamonds that can be used for jewelry. Which means when a woman says she has her husband wrapped around her finger, she may actually have him wrapped around her finger.

Ford has already revealed the 2015 Mustang. Apparently the company wanted to make it available early since they aren’t sure if the company will be around through 2014.

A report says that long term unemployment is at its highest level since World War II. Which is ironic since the people who are still out of work are the 90 year old veterans from the war who still are looking for a job to make ends meet.

McDonald’s resource website is now offering employees advice on how much to tip au pairs, trainers and dog walkers. Which is just the company’s way of trying to help their workers see how much they can make doing other menial jobs in their spare time.

A new artificial heart pumps blood without giving the person a pulse. Apparently it was designed for Dick Cheney to make him feel more normal while he was waiting for his heart transplant.

A report says that substance abuse is up among anesthesiology residents. The first sign there is a problem is when they are hooking a patient up to the needle and say “One for you, two for me!”

Statistics show that holiday decorating injuries have been on the rise the past few years. Apparently most of that is people being injured by chain saws while trying to cut down a Christmas tree from their neighbor’s yard.

A study says that teens that can’t sleep have friends who can’t sleep, either. Mostly because they are both staying up all night texting each other on their cellphones.

A study says that eating healthy costs only an extra $1.50 a day. Mostly from the cost of gasoline it takes to drive past the McDonald’s and over to any other restaurant to get lunch.

 A study says that a high body mass is linked to hearing loss in women. It’s either that or just that men won’t ever be seen talking to a fat woman.

A study says that a high body mass is linked to hearing loss in women. You know that you are a bit too overweight when the sound can’t get past the fat building up in your ear canals.

Kim Kardashian is being criticized for holding an charitable eBay auction and sending only 10% of the proceeds to tsunami survivors in the Philippines. Although most people are just giving her credit for even being able to figure out how much 10% is.

Kim Kardashian is being criticized for holding an charitable eBay auction and sending only 10% of the proceeds to tsunami survivors in the Philippines. Kardashian is used to giving 10%. Like the 10% she put into her 72 day marriage to Kris Humphries.

A design site is offering furnishings based on the movie “Home Alone.” And who doesn’t want a house full of swinging paint cans, marbles on the floor and red hot door knobs?

A design site is offering furnishings based on the movie “Home Alone.” The best part is anyone ordering furniture gets to meet Macaulay Culkin in person when he drives the delivery truck up and helps unloading the shipment.

Researchers say that people tend to use their iPhones to browse and their iPads to make purchases. They then really get into the holiday spirit by sending out their Christmas cards on Facebook and their thank you notes on Twitter.

MIT researchers have come up with what they say is the toughest tongue twister of all time, “Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.” Not only is it difficult to say, it makes more sense than the lyrics from any REM song.

MIT researchers have come up with what they say is the toughest tongue twister of all time, “Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.” The only words that are more difficult for MIT students to get out is when they actually try to ask a woman on a date.

Microsoft says that government snooping is as bad as malware and cyber attacks. Although they do admit it none of that has caused as much harm as Windows Vista.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos’ private company Blue Origin has reportedly successfully test fired a rocket engine. Apparently he is taking his plan to deliver Amazon orders with drones to the next level for rush deliveries.

Bank of America says that Bitcoins could be the next major currency. Apparently the bank likes the electronic coins because using online currency means they will now be able to foreclose on their subprime mortgages with just a text message and Facebook post.

Blackberry has turned down Justin Bieber’s offer to be a brand ambassador, saying he is “not going to last.” How obsolete are you when even Blackberry is worried about your potential shelf life?

A report says that someone bought a Tesla electric car using electronic currency Bitcoin. Now all that is needed to complete the cycle is for the owner to crash the car while being distracted by an electronic device.

House Speaker John Boehner says the GOP needs to be more sensitive when it comes to women’s issues. And they will work on that just as soon as they are done cutting the Food Stamp budget and making it more difficult to get health care by repealing Obamacare.

President Obama says Republicans should “be embarrassed” by their low productivity. Although the President could have saved himself some embarrassment by not being so productive on launching the Obamacare website.

House Speaker John Boehner says that Republicans should support gay candidates. Just not the ones who want to get married, adopt children or serve in the military.

President Obama says he is planning to set new limits on NSA surveillance. People were surprised. The NSA has limits now?

Researchers say that Neanderthals were neat and tidied up around the cave. Which gives another reason why Arnold Schwarzenegger always had a full staff of house cleaners.

A Depression era painting by Edward Hopper has sold for $40 Million. There just seems to be something wrong with someone paying $40 Million for a work that shows what it is like to not have any money. 

A Depression era painting by Edward Hopper has sold for $40 Million. Apparently the person buying it wanted to hang the picture in their mansion to remind their servants what they get to go home to after work.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s Friday, and there are now only 18 shopping days left until Christmas. Unfortunately, the Christmas shopping budget ran out with 24 days left until Christmas. But you don’t need to budget a dime for shopping when the gift you are sending is the love!

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