Thursday, December 05, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Documents show the NSA tracks as many as 5 Billion cell phones a day around the world. Apparently it gets the information by monitoring Twitter accounts to see from which restaurants people send pictures of what they are eating.

The latest trend for parents is to have their kids wear GPS watches so they can see their exact location. Or they can just walk through the house and check the living room couch.

China has told British Prime Minister David Cameron to return treasures that England looted in the 19th Century. In a related story, the U.S. is telling China to return all the jobs it looted in the late 20th Century.

A new system enables law enforcement agencies to use a radio beam to disable car engines during chases. The only other time a car is more vulnerable to having its engine shut down is immediately after the warranty expires.

A South Carolina man is being charged with stabbing his brother during an argument over which silverware to use for a meal. Not only is the man charged in the attack, but he is also being cited by Miss Manners for stabbing him with the wrong fork.

Three networks are reportedly bidding to get Tim Tebow as a football analyst. The three networks are CBS, Fox Sports and The 700 Club.

The White House says it will review the privacy implications of facial recognition technology. So far, the only people who have figured out how to keep their privacy by confusing the machines are Cher and Joan Rivers.

Researchers say they have found 400,00 year old human DNA on a bone in Spain. No one had any idea that Larry King had started his broadcasting career in Europe.

A study says the majority of electronic gadget owners suffer anxiety when they can’t use their phones, comparing it to the stress of getting married. Although most gadget owners have no idea what getting married is like since they can’t even put their phones down long enough to actually talk to someone in person and get a date.

A study says the majority of electronic gadget owners suffer anxiety when they can’t use their phones, saying Thursday is the day they need them the most. Mostly because they spend Friday and Saturday nights in their basement playing video games on a console by themselves.

A poll says that an all time low number of Americans support an active U.S. foreign policy. Political experts were shocked. The U.S. has a foreign policy?

A poll says that an all time low number of Americans support an active U.S. foreign policy. Mostly because since 2001 our foreign policy has pretty much been blowing countries up and then paying to rebuild them.

Celebrity UK chef Nigella Lawson admitted in court she has used cocaine. Which answers the question how she prepares meals for 50 people on a half hour show.

Celebrity UK chef Nigella Lawson admitted in court she has used cocaine. Apparently she became a celebrity chef by never preparing any English food on her show.

A report says that U.S. propaganda has failed in Afghanistan. In fact, the only propaganda that did work for the U.S. was convincing the American people we needed to invade Afghanistan.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford will join a U.S. radio show called “Sports Junkies.” Apparently he misunderstood when the show advertised for a “crack analyst.”

A former aide to Bill and Hillary Clinton has been hired by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp as communications chief. Apparently they feel if anyone knows about communications, it’t the person who was able to keep the Clintons talking to each other.

A survey says that most American silent films have been lost forever. Mostly because people like pictures with sound because they drown out the noise of the other people in the theater talking on their cell phones.

A survey says that most American silent films have been lost forever. In fact, the only films that most people say they wish were silent are any movies with Adam Sandler.

A report says that if a farm bill is not passed by Congress by the end of the year, milk could go up to $8 a gallon. Congress doesn’t care about the price of milk after December. They just need to keep the cost of eggnog mix down through Christmas.

A report says that if a farm bill is not passed by Congress by the end of the year, milk could go up to $8 a gallon. Which has upset Big Oil who are saying “We thought of it first!”

Fox Sports says it has sold out all its ad time for the Super Bowl at $4.5 Million for a 30 second spot. $4.5 Million will also buy a time slot over at NBC. The month of April.

The Pentagon says it will cut jobs and contracts worth $1 Billion in 2014. They have finally figured out it’s a lot cheaper to stop fighting wars and just give their generals a Play Station along with “Call of Duty.”

The Pentagon says it will cut jobs and contracts worth $1 Billion in 2014. That means the military will come to a complete standstill for approximately three minutes.

Billy Joel says he will play Madison Square Gardens every month for the rest of his life. People will be able to find him on the sidewalk outside the arena gates playing a Casio keyboard for loose change before all the Knicks games.

A Georgia man was arrested for charging his electric car without permission at a middle school while his son was getting tennis lessons. Authorities were shocked. How did someone driving an electric car with a child taking tennis lessons get into Georgia?

A report says the college debt for the average graduate in 2012 was $29,400. That was just for the beer and visit to the STD clinic. Their parents are the ones stuck with the $200,000 in tuition loans.

A study says a third of all bank tellers are on some form of government assistance. That doesn’t even include the bank’s top executives who are getting their million dollar bonuses out of the government’s bailout money.

A study says a third of all bank tellers are on some form of government assistance. Apparently there isn’t even enough money in any customer accounts any more to make it worthwhile to embezzle.

A study says that today’s elderly people may be mentally sharper than previous generations. Mostly because they have to be more alert in order to keep working until they are 90 and to make sure their children and grandchildren aren’t stealing all their money.

Researchers say that marijuana people are smoking likely contains mold, pesticides and dead insects. Although researchers did admit they made their claims because they were a bit paranoid at the time.

Researchers say that marijuana people are smoking likely contains mold, pesticides and dead insects. To which most pot smokers are saying “Huh?”

Researchers say that marijuana people are smoking likely contains mold, pesticides and dead insects. Which still makes it less of a health hazard than the pizza the pot smokers devoured after taking a few bong hits.

A study says that walking fast is better for a person’s health. Mostly because it allows you to stay ahead of slow walking elderly people who will bore you to tears with stories about “the old days.”

A study says that Facebook contributes to eating disorders. Mostly people who don’t want to eat after looking at nothing but pictures of half eaten meals posted by all their friends.

A study says that exercise may be an effective treatment for some dementia patients. It is an even better treatment for the people having to watch over them when the patients go out for a walk and don’t come back.

A study says that women don’t like sexy ads unless it is for an expensive item. Which is ironic because it turns out that the thing that men spend the most money during their lives for is sex.

Khloe Kardashian and her husband Lamar Odom reportedly spend Thanksgiving apart. For no other reason than who in their right mind would want to go to an event where Kris Jenner, the Kardashians and Kanye West are all in the same room?

Khloe Kardashian and her husband Lamar Odom reportedly spend Thanksgiving apart while reports are out he may sign with the L.A. Clippers. How bad have things gotten when going to the Clippers is seen as a positive move in your life?

A Norman Rockwell painting called “Saying Grace” has sold for $46 Million. Which means that prayer does work, especially for the person who was able to get someone to pay $46 Million for a painting.

“The Biggest Loser” eliminated Ruben Studdard for the second time. Which means he may get his own show called “The REALLY Biggest Loser.”

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly picked the location for their upcoming wedding. The only issue they faced was getting a place that could handle more cameras than guests.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly picked the location for their upcoming wedding. The only problem was finding a place that Kim had never had a wedding at before.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly picked the location for their upcoming wedding. There are rumors that for people who are not invited, it may actually be filmed for some sort of broadcast.

“Keeping Up With The Kardashians” will debut its 9th season in January. The show has already seen Kim get divorced, have a baby and get engaged to Kanye West while Khloe has been going through marital problems. Even the soap operas are telling them their plot lines are not believable.

“Keeping Up With The Kardashians” will debut its 9th season in January. When historians plot the decline and fall of the U.S., it will no doubt start with people actually watching “The Kardashians” for eight years.

Carmelo Anthony says the Knicks are the laughingstock of the league right now. Someone needs to tell him they have been the laughingstock of the league for the past ten years.

The San Francisco 49ers have sent their fans tips on how to cheer for the team. They should just be glad they don’t have to deal with Jacksonville Jaguars fans, who even have librarians avoid the games because they are too quiet.

The Auburn vs. Alabama game last week was the most watched college game of the year. Especially on the last play of the game when even the Alabama players were just spectators while Auburn scored the winning touchdown.

The NBA matchup between the Spurs and Timberwolves that was played in Mexico City was delayed by smoke from a fire. It was just a good thing that no one was hurt as somehow officials were able to see the smoke through all the Mexico City smog.

Canada will soon be enforcing the world’s toughest anti-spam act. Apparently lawmakers were confused when they thought that an increase in spam would hurt the market for Canadian bacon.

Experts say that shark attacks and resulting fatalities are up worldwide. Not only that, but global warming is being blamed for the increase. Especially with more than half the shark attacks being reported in swimming pools.

A town in Kentucky will pay their police chief using Bitcoins. The only problem is how to pay the chief for the next five years until the town actually gets an Internet connection.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only 19 more shopping days until Christmas. Or as men call that, only 18 more days until it’s time to start shopping for Christmas. Just make sure while you are making your gift list, you always remember to send the love!

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