Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A poll says that Americans feel that U.S. world leadership is at a 40 year low. How bad is it when people are longing for the time when we were right in the middle of Watergate?

A study says that men’s and women’s brains are wired differently which explains why men are better at tasks like reading maps. The real reason men are better at reading maps is that there is no way any of them will stop to ask directions.

A study says that men’s and women’s brains are wired differently which explains why men are better at tasks like reading maps. The only problem is that’s the one skill men have which means GPS has made us obsolete.

Scientists say that Seattle Seahawks fans made so much noise in their game against the Saints it registered on a seismometer. As opposed to Cleveland Browns fans who are so obese they set off seismometers just walking into the stadium.

Police in Maryland are looking for women who started a fight in a Victoria’s Secret store. Apparently the store wants to hire them as a way to get men to actually want to go shopping.

A Delta Airlines flight bumped its passengers in order to make room for the University of Florida basketball team whose own flight was delayed. The airline should have just let the players stand in the aisle since no one over 5’4” can fit in a commercial airline seat in the first place.

Bob Dylan is being charged in France for comments he made in a Rolling Store interview. People were shocked. Someone still reads Rolling Stone?

A study says that regular exercise boosts people’s creativity. Although the most creative people are the ones who keep coming up with excuses on why they can’t ever work out.

The number of banks in the U.S. has fallen to a record low. Why does anyone need a bank when they can’t get a home loan after being foreclosed and all their life savings are in a change jar in the kitchen?

CNN President Jeff Zucker says he is going to make major changes at CNN which will feature less news and more shows. Which means instead of reporting about the Kardashians, Zucker actually wants the Kardashians.

CNN President Jeff Zucker says he is going to make major changes at CNN which will feature less news and more shows. The network is going down so fast that Ted Turner is considering committing suicide just so he can spin in his grave.

CNN President Jeff Zucker says he is going to make major changes at CNN which will feature less news and more shows. The worst part about the announcement is that it was first reported by ABC News.

Europeans are the world’s heaviest smokers as French cigarette use has increased. Apparently the French don’t actually like to smoke, the just know that lighting up is an easy way to annoy American tourists.

Spain has seen its first drop in unemployment during the off season in 16 years. Which is good news since the off season are the 51 weeks they aren’t running the bulls in Pamplona.

Police in Iceland have killed a suspect for the first time in the country’s history. The country’s murder rate is extremely low. Mostly because if anyone living in Iceland ever gets their hands on a gun, they will take the opportunity to use it on themselves. 

Police in Iceland have killed a suspect for the first time in the country’s history. Or as New York City Police are saying, “Virgins!”

A survey says that corruption and instability go hand in hand. Like in the U.S. where the hand of Congress goes to whoever’s hand is holding the bag of cash.

A ruling says that Detroit will become the biggest U.S. city to ever qualify for bankruptcy. How bad is it when even Cleveland is asking if there is anything they can do to help.

Bill Clinton says he has “serious reservations” on spying on other world leaders. In fact, for an upcoming summit he has a reservation to stay in the hotel room right next to Argentine President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner.

Cyber Monday sales were up a reported 16% this year. Researchers came up with that number by seeing that online porn viewing was down 16% the same day.

Microsoft has invented a bra they say measures stress in women. A bra can also measure stress in men, depending on how hard it is to unfasten.

Pope Francis I says he used to be a bar bouncer. Which explains why he keeps referring to the final blessing as “last call.”

Pope Francis I says he used to be a bar bouncer. Which is why when he gives out the bread and wine for Communion he keeps asking for ID.

Applebee’s will start putting tablets at every table so customers can order appetizers and drinks and play video games while they wait. The only problem is that the tablets may interfere with family meal time where the kids play with their iPods and GameBoys and parents text on their iPhones and check out sports scores on their iPad.

Applebee’s will start putting tablets at every table so customers can order appetizers and drinks and play video games while they wait. The only bad part is that when you pay using the tablet and leave less than a 20% tip, it rings you up as “cheapskate.

Washington, D.C. is moving towards an $11.50 minimum wage. Apparently it’s tough to pay anyone less than that when the same city justifies a salary of $175,000 a year for people who do absolutely nothing all year working in Congress.

The U.S. has scored below average compared to the rest of the world in science, math and reading. What do they expect when we have people running the country who don’t believe in global warming, run up the highest deficits in history and admit they never read any of the bills they vote for?

Researchers say they have developed a test that shows whether or not a marriage will last. The only question is whether people will believe in a test devised by people who can’t even get a date.

An animal rights group is trying to declare Tommy, a chimp living in New York as the first animal considered a person under the law. The case is apparently different than when Spuds McKenzie was ordered into rehab for inciting the Spring Break riots of 1987.

A study says there is no such thing as being fat and healthy. The good news is that in America, no matter what you weigh if you live long enough it will at some point eventually be considered normal.

A study says that health disparities between rich and poor nations could be eliminated in a generation. Which means when all the fat and unhealthy Baby Boomers living in the U.S. eventually die off.

A report says that skyrocketing hospital costs can result in fees of $500 for each stitch. Who is doing the sewing at those hospitals, Giorgio Armani?

A report says that ecstasy use is on the rise with U.S. teens. Mostly because kids think marijuana is uncool since it became legal and all their parents are now smoking pot.

Researchers say that Rheumatoid Arthritis patients have a better quality of life now than they did 20 years ago. Mostly because they are 20 years older and have retired can just stay in bed all day instead of having to go to work.

The engineer in the train derailment in New York was possibly “consciously asleep” at the time of the accident. If that turns out to be true he could possibly retrained for something for which he is more qualified, like an Air Traffic Controller.

A study says that people can tell how tall or short someone is by just listening to their voice. There are exceptions to the rule. For instance, people listening to Rosie O’Donnell keep mistaking her for a 6’5” man.

A study says that people can tell how tall or short someone is by just listening to their voice. One way to tell that a man is really short is when he says “Seacrest out!”

23andme.com is facing a class action lawsuit in California alleging the company misled customers with advertising for a personalized DNA kit. Apparently the kit was used by thousands of children of housecleaners who thought their dad might be Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Kim Kardashian lashed out at a Twitter follower who criticized her parenting skills. Apparently she ripped into them, saying she personally oversaw the hiring of all her kid’s nannies.

Duchess Kate reportedly spent $1,000 on a hairdo including coloring to take away some of her gray. Apparently she didn’t realize how stressful her position would be. As the newest member of the Royal Family, she gets stuck at all the official dinners in the seat next to Prince Charles.

The New Orleans Saints team plane broke down in Seattle after their Monday night loss to the Seahawks. Apparently since the Saints scored only one touchdown during the game, what was the difference if they had to wait a few hours to get one with the plane?

Denver Broncos Quarterback Peyton Manning was sent wedding invitations by a fan which he autographed and sent back. The only problem is what the couple’s reaction will be when he shows up at the reception and spikes the wedding cake.

Denver Broncos Quarterback Peyton Manning was sent wedding invitations by a fan which he autographed and sent back. It could have been worse. The couple could have been Bengals fans who did the Ickey Shuffle as their first dance.

Yahoo says its most popular search for the year was “Miley Cyrus.” The second most popular search was “Who still uses Yahoo?”

Microsoft is teaming up with NORAD to track Santa on a website Christmas Eve. Apparently they already have been tipped off to which route he will be taking, when he will leave and return time by the NSA.

Congressional leaders are calling for an overhaul of the Federal Communications Act. Which is pretty interesting coming from a body made up of two different parties who haven’t spoken to each other since 1993.

Congressional leaders are calling for an overhaul of the Federal Communications Act. Apparently people just want to finally end the whole investigation of the CBS Janet Jackson Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction.

Congressional leaders are calling for an overhaul of the Federal Communications Act. One thing that may be accomplished if it takes place will be that C-SPAN will finally be reclassified as a comedy network.

Merriam-Webster says their word of the year is “science.” Unfortunately, it’s because it is mostly used in the sentence “Why is my kid getting such a bad grade in science?”

The Royal Bank of Scotland says recent technical problems are a result of neglecting its IT for decades. Customers don’t seem to mind. Not being able to take money from ATMs means they will just have to skip going out to a restaurant to eat Haggis.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only three weeks left until Christmas. After that it’s only seven more days until the New Year when everyone can drink to forget what it was like to have all the relatives over for Christmas. Just remember that when you are getting ideas for stocking stuffers, all you ever need to do here is send the love!

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