Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The U.S. population growth has slowed down to .71%. That means only one thing. The Octomom has finally discovered birth control.

The U.S. population growth has slowed down to .71%. Which means that Kevin Federline finally had a vasectomy.

GMA’s Robin Roberts has announced she is gay. Even Brian Boitano was saying “That’s news?”

Feminist Camille Paglia says there is no room for anything manly in American society. Except, of course for Camille Paglia.

Samsung is selling a 110” ultra high-def TV for $150,000. It’s for people who want to tune in to watch the local news and see all the wrinkles in extreme detail on the faces of the people at the food bank which could be run for years for $150,000.

Samsung is selling a 110” ultra high-def TV for $150,000. Which means that someone who buys that set is the ultra high definition of a self indulgent, pompous boor. 

Michael Bloomberg spent a reported $650 Million of his own money on New York City in the 12 years he was Mayor. And that was just for the lifts in his shoes for when he is photographed next to incoming Mayor Bill de Blasio.

Michael Bloomberg spent a reported $650 Million of his own money on New York City in the 12 years he was Mayor. Which gives a whole new meaning when he says that he is a little short.

Michael Bloomberg spent a reported $650 Million of his own money on New York City in the 12 years he was Mayor. Although that was still money better spent than with what the Yankees did with the same amount of money paying A-Rod’s salary.

The New Hampshire House is set to vote on legalizing an ounce of marijuana. The only question will be how to divide that one ounce for the entire state.

The New Hampshire House is set to vote on legalizing an ounce of marijuana. They are only legalizing an ounce because that is the size of the entire pot crop that can be raised in the New Hampshire growing season.

China has ordered public officials to stop smoking in public. Which is no big deal since they can get the same effect by going outside and taking in a deep breath of smog.

Police in Oregon talked a naked man threatening suicide off a ledge by giving him a sandwich. The sad part is they bought him a six inch sub and cut it in half so he could cover himself.

Police in Oregon talked a naked man threatening suicide off a ledge by giving him a sandwich. Apparently he mistakenly thought that is how Jared got his start with Subway.

An image on a Facebook site of a plus sized, double chin Barbie doll is raising controversy. What’s worse is that she has had to move from being “Malibu Barbie” to “Jersey Shore Barbie.”

An image on a Facebook site of a plus sized, double chin Barbie doll is raising controversy. The worst part is that she has had to trade in her Corvette for an RV which is big enough so she can fit inside but small enough to make it through the McDonald’s drive-thru.

A study says that spirituality offers protection to the brain from depression. Unless you are a 10 year old Catholic boy who is thinking about becoming an altar boy.

A study says that spirituality offers protection to the brain from depression. Especially if you believe that prayer will provide the depression medication that isn’t covered by your health insurance plan.

A report says that buildings in Los Angeles and Santa Monica may be sitting atop earthquake faults. The fault line is known as “California.”

A study says that people are susceptible to muscle and joint ailments due to checking their phones an average of 150 times a day. But apparently it is worth it to see what 150 of their Facebook friends have eaten for their latest meal.

A study says that people are susceptible to muscle and joint ailments due to checking their phones an average of 150 times a day. The worst part is when they get arthritis in their fingers and will be barking out orders all day for Siri to check their messages.

A poll says that one third of Americans reject evolution. The other two thirds have never been to Mississippi, Alabama or Georgia.

Social workers in the UK are taking children from parents who are overfeeding them. Apparently they feel any child who is getting obese on a diet of British food is a victim of torture.

A report says that one third of New Mexico is owned by the federal government and the state may try to buy it back. Just as soon as they can come up with the $7.50 that the desert land is worth.

The first commercial flight in more than 50 years from Key West, Florida to Cuba was made this week. On the return flight, to make passengers feel more at home the seats were removed and they were allowed to sit inside inflatable rafts.

Denver International Airport has banned marijuana which is legal in the city. Which is bad news for the pizza and cookie shops which were counting on business tripling if people were allowed to get high before their flights.

Denver International Airport has banned marijuana which is legal in the city. Which is bad news for JetBlue passengers who were hoping to use the pot to get high while they are stuck on the tarmac waiting for their plane to do the same.

Airline delays are down, but apparently it is because carriers are lengthening the times of their flights. For instance, a JetBlue flight from Los Angeles to Chicago is now scheduled to take three days.

Federal workers got their first raise in three years, a 1% increase. The only problem is they got the raise because of the lower number of complaints they got this year which turned out to be a result of the time the government was shut down.

Ford will finish the year as the top selling car in the U.S. in 2013. Americans are back to buying domestic cars since the recession started since foreign models are just too small for a family of four to live in comfortably.

Home electricity use in the U.S. has dropped to 2001 levels. Mostly because people are turning off their TV sets since all that is ever on are the Kardashians, some singing competition or the rednecks from “Duck Dynasty.”

A report says the new health care law will hit midsize businesses the hardest. Of course, since the recession started the definition of a midsize business is what used to be a big business.

The government official who oversaw the building of the Obamacare website is retiring. Apparently she has been recruited as the perfect candidate to take over quality control at Chrysler.

Applebee’s in Times Square is offering a dinner package for $375 a person on New Year’s Eve. There is no food or drink in the deal. But it’s worth it to most people just to have a bathroom they can use.

Applebee’s in Times Square is offering a dinner package for $375 a person on New Year’s Eve. Which is a pretty good deal considering that is what most New York City restaurants charge for dinner every other night of the year.

Applebee’s in Times Square is offering a dinner package for $375 a person on New Year’s Eve. Apparently they are going to offer what no other restaurant in down will serve. A 32 ounce soda.

Applebee’s in Times Square is offering a dinner package for $375 a person on New Year’s Eve. Apparently it’s for people who want to combine the New Year’s Eve traditions in the city of dinner, the celebration and a mugging all at one place.

A study says that parents who set limits are less likely to have children who smoke. Especially when they set limits for no smoking for their children while they are playing video games, eating junk food and texting to their friends non-stop all day.

A study says that parents who set limits are less likely to have children who smoke. As long as they don’t try to carry the limits too far, like making them go to school every day, wear the same outfit more than once or come home before 3:00 AM.

A rabbi in Pittsburgh is being sued for a botched circumcision. People were shocked at the news. Since when did Jewish people start living in Pittsburgh?

A rabbi in Pittsburgh is being sued for a botched circumcision. If nothing else, with hands like that the rabbi could always find work as a wide receiver for the Steelers.

A boy in Washington State was stabbed with a syringe that was in a sweater he got as a Christmas present from Wal-Mart. Store officials apologized, saying that sweater was meant for employees as part of the Wal-Mart health care plan.

A study of Danish cinnamon rolls found they contain too much of a toxic compound. The good news is that the toxic compound is still less hazardous to people’s health than any of the other ingredients used to make cinnamon rolls.

The Keanu Reeves film “47 Ronin” is expected to lose $175 Million. Apparently the film violated the Hollywood rule of 35, maybe 40 Ronin tops for a film.

The Keanu Reeves film “47 Ronin” is expected to lose $175 Million. It’s a movie about wandering Samurai warriors. The movie is expected to do better once it is retitled “Takumi and Yamato’s Excellent Adventure.”

Stevie Nicks presided over the wedding of musicians Vanessa Carlton and John McCauley. At first, wedding guests thought she was performing the ceremony in tongues. Then they realized she was just reading some lyrics from “Tusk.”

Khloe Kardashian says she is glad the year is over and is looking forward to a fresh start. Which in the Kardashian family means there should be a new husband announced any day now.

“The Price Is Right” gave its biggest winner ever a $157,000 Audi sports car. It was the same car Bob Barker used to score with Dian Parkinson right before he finally got neutered.

Phil Robertson from “Duck Dynasty” says that girls should get married when they are 15 or 16. Of course, he is from Louisiana. In Georgia anyone who waits that long to get married needs to find a husband who will help raise the three kids she already has.

Tim Tebow has joined ESPN’s SEC network as a commentator. Apparently he will be using it as an audition to get to where he really wants to be, as an analyst on “The 700 Club.”

2013 will go down as a record breaking year for Hollywood box office receipts, with films raking in $10.9 Billion. Fortunately, the last five dollars needed to go over the top of the record came in with the first weekend total ticket sales from “Justin Bieber’s Believe.”

ESPN announcer Chris Fowler says he was saved by choking on a sandwich by Jesse Palmer at the Pinstripe Bowl. It was the biggest case of choking at Yankee Stadium that didn’t involve Alex Rodriguez in the playoffs.

Prince William will start studying agriculture at Cambridge. Which for the Royal Family consists of telling the gardener the lawn needs mowing and the rose garden needs to be watered.

A report says that Johnny Manziel will be leaving college for the NFL. Apparently he is worried that since he didn’t repeat as the Heisman Trophy winner, his coach at Texas A&M might make him start taking some classes.

Dwyane Wade has become a father, right after proposing to a woman who isn’t the child’s mother. Apparently he is thinking about a career after the NBA by auditioning for “The Kardashians.”

Dwyane Wade has become a father, right after proposing to a woman who isn’t the child’s mother. Or as that is called in the NBA, a traditional family.

A study says that social networks are used by 73% of U.S. adults online. The other 27% just don’t have time once they are done going through all their porn and dating sites.

A study says that social networks are used by 73% of U.S. adults online. The other 27% just have no interest in seeing what everyone they know just ate for breakfast.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Here it is the last day of 2013. Unfortunately, I was unable to keep my New Year’s resolution from 2012 to write some funny jokes. However, I did write a lot of them. By my estimate, I came in with more than 10,000 through the year. All for free. And still people accuse me of overcharging. Thanks for reading my blog every day, and for 2014 I hope you will help spread the word so other people can partake in the carnage as well. I will be taking off tomorrow for the New Year, then it’s on again for 2014 on Thursday. Have a very Happy New Year, and make sure to start it off on the right note by always remembering to send the love!

1 comment:

Catherine Bostic said...

Sending love everyday of the year, Jim!