Tuesday, December 03, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A fast food strike for higher wages has been called in 100 cities this week. The only problem is that it's hard to get people on your side for a strike when you are threatening to make them thinner and healthier.

Amazon is testing delivering orders within hours by drones. So far it has been successful except for the one delivery which used an old military drone that dropped off a package and then took out an entire family in New Hampshire.

Bing says its top searches for 2013 were for Beyonce and Prince George. The rest of Bing's searches were people trying to figure out how to get back to Google.

Germany is planning to ban flat rates at brothels where men can get unlimited sex for $136. Apparently the brothel owners like the deal because they get all that money for five minutes worth of work from the women.

London Mayor Boris Johnson is being criticized for mocking what he says are the 16% of people with an IQ lower than 85. Apparently he needs to be more sensitive and remember that Scotland is still part of the UK.

A study says that migraine headaches are linked to plastic cups and bottles. Mostly the ones that people are using to hold their whiskey, wine and beer.

Congress' approval rating has fallen to a record low 6%. Since they only represent the richest 1%, the only question is who are the other 5% who still like them?

Congress' approval rating has fallen to a record low 6%. Which means that the TV audience with the lowest collective IQ has moved from "The Kardashians", "Maury" and "Jerry Springer" over to C-SPAN.

The top secret U.S. nuclear launch code for the past 20 years was revealed to be "00000000." How bad is it when the military is too dumb to even remember even something as tough as "12345678"?

California Senator Diane Feinstein says that the nation's terror threat is "on the rise." Although it seems the terrorists have pretty much learned all they need to do is sit back and let Congress do a better job of destroying the country than they could even hope for.

NASA is sending seeds to the Moon to see if it is possible to grow a vegetable garden and eventually colonize it. Apparently with only vegetables growing there, they are not planning on colonizing it with any Americans.

Retailers say that Black Friday spending was down from last year. Apparently people don't go out on Black Friday to shop, they just want to watch all the fights that break out at their local Wal-Mart.

The National Transportation Safety Board will hold a hearing on pilots' use of autopilot, which leave some pilots feeling that using it makes them feel "like a piece of luggage." Which means they are charged $50 to fly and are then put on the wrong plane.

A report says U.S. manufacturing has increased at its fastest pace in the past two and a half years. Fortunately, ever since marijuana was legalized in parts of the U.S., the only thing we still manufacture are hydroponic lights, bongs and cookie dough.

The Michigan takeover of Detroit is causing tension between local officials and state monitors. Apparently each of them is telling the other “You take it!”

The House and Senate will be at work together a total of five days in December. Apparently they are doing their best to just try to get the country into 2014 without causing any more damage.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is now being accused of stealing another fan’s seat at a Buffalo Bills football game. The only question is how did he get the other three seats he needs in order to sit down?

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is now being accused of stealing another fan’s seat at a Buffalo Bills football game. The question is why didn’t he just take one of the tens of thousands of empty seats that are always available at a Buffalo Bills game?

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is now being accused of stealing another fan’s seat at a Buffalo Bills football game. The only question is why are we letting him come into the U.S.?

131 Million people were expected to shop online on Cyber Monday. It wasn’t that people actually looking for deals on their computer. Most were just looking for something to kill time while they waited for the Obamacare website to start working.

Honda is testing an assisted walk device for people with limited mobility. Mostly people who have been run over by other vehicles while driving a Honda Insight.

European and U.S. authorities have taken over nearly 700 websites that were selling counterfeit merchandise. It was the biggest U.S. takeover of websites selling fraudulent items since Healthcare.gov went online.

A judge is set to decide if Detroit can go ahead with its bankruptcy proceedings. Apparently the judge feels as long as AOL is still solvent there may be a chance the city could come back.

GE and Rolls Royce are planning to use 3D printers to make jet engines. Although it is scary to think that a plane could fall out of the sky because someone ordered the wrong ink cartridges.

Nobel Prize winning economist Robert Shiller is warning the stock market has become a bubble and could crash. Although if economists know so much about the stock market, why aren’t they all millionaires who don’t have to work as economists anymore?

Federal officials say that Healthcare.gov is “night and day” from its October start. Meaning that people trying to use it now take only one night and day to be able to sign up.

Insurers are claiming the government’s health care website is still flawed. Apparently it is still allowing people with pre-existing conditions and not a lot of money to spend to qualify for insurance coverage.

A California photographer is losing weight by monitoring his appearance with a series of selfies. Apparently he will know he has lost enough weight when he can actually get his whole face to fit inside a shot taken at an arm’s length.

Problems with the Obamacare website are causing some consumers to fear they may be without coverage on New Year’s Day. Apparently people are worried that they will have to pay for it themselves when they go to the ER for treatment on New Year’s for depression, hangovers and gunshot wounds.

A study says that messy kids may be faster learners. Especially the ones who figure out how to bully other kids into cleaning up their mess.

A U.S. Airways flight in Arizona was delayed because of a tuberculosis scare. Which makes it seem not all that bad after all to be stuck next to a screaming baby or loud snorer on a flight.

A U.S. Airways flight in Arizona was delayed because of a tuberculosis scare. Airline officials pointed out that at least there were no reported cases this year on their flights of  leprosy, smallpox or the plague.

Kris Jenner was reportedly upset and in tears over Kim Kardashian’s topless scene in Kanye West’s “Bound 2” video. Apparently it had her almost as upset as Kardashian’s sex video, two failed marriages and unwed pregnancy.

Kris Jenner was reportedly upset and in tears over Kim Kardashian’s topless scene in Kanye West’s “Bound 2” video, saying it “destroyed her credibility.” Thinking that Kim Kardashian ever had any credibility just destroyed any of Kris Jenner’s credibility.

Kris Jenner was reportedly upset and in tears over Kim Kardashian’s topless scene in Kanye West’s “Bound 2” video, saying it “destroyed her credibility.” What was she thinking when she actually agreed to be in a Kanye West video?

Joe Jonas says that he was introduced to marijuana by Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus. Everyone should just be happy that Miley Cyrus didn’t teach him how to dance.

Yoko Ono says that being blamed for the breakup of the Beatles was like being accused of murder. Music fans are just sorry she is too old to date anyone from One Direction.

“Beverly Hills 90210” star Jennie Garth is writing a memoir. Which is unfortunate as no one who watched “90210” has ever actually ever opened a book.

Prince George and Miley Cyrus have reportedly made the final list of Barbara Walters’ “most fascinating people.” One was chosen despite being infantile, prone to childish public behavior and hard to control by its parents. The other is the Heir to the British Throne.

An inventor says the NFL should use lasers to mark the first down line. Isn’t that a little overkill to use the same technology to measure the distance to the Moon to figure out how far it is to reach 30 feet?

An inventor says the NFL should use lasers to mark the first down line. Or as Jacksonville Jaguars fans call it, an annoying light that gets in the way of the game.

An inventor says the NFL should use lasers to mark the first down line. What they should really do with those lasers is do Lasik eye surgery on the referees so they can actually see the lines on the field.

A report says that shopping on Thanksgiving is becoming a social event. Mostly because people would rather fight with strangers over holiday deals than sit around at home and spend any more time with their relatives.

Self driving cars could be a reality in Sweden by 2017. Apparently it became a reality after a driverless SUV was developed that could get away from a 9 iron wielding Elin Nordegren.

Microsoft has developed a bra that reportedly helps with stress related eating. It is actually designed to stop men from eating as they can’t close their mouths when they see a woman wearing bra that is D cup or larger.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only 21 shopping days left until Christmas. Or 386 until next Christmas which will start to be advertised next week. When you are out shopping, just remember all you ever need to send this way is the love!

No comments: