Sunday, December 29, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Phil Robertson has been reinstated on the cast of “Duck Dynasty” without missing any shows after making insensitive comments about gays. The show is risking losing any gay viewers they had which will be added to all the ducks who already refuse to watch the show.

A federal judge says the NSA phone tracking is legal, saying it is the government’s “counter punch” to terrorism. It’s just that Americans wish that the punches were being thrown at the terrorists instead of at them.

A poll says that two thirds of Americans are calling 2013 a bad year. In fact, it was almost as bad as 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2007 and 2007.

A poll says that two thirds of Americans are calling 2013 a bad year. The other third are calling it horrible, disastrous or cataclysmic.

A poll says that young people are calling Facebook “dead and buried”, preferring more to use Twitter and Snapchat. Of course, those sites will also last only as long until their parents figure out how to use them, too.

A poll says that young people are calling Facebook “dead and buried”, preferring more to use Twitter and Snapchat. Apparently sites that allow only 140 characters or viewing a photo for a few seconds is all that kids’ attention spans can handle.

A Massachusetts teenager pulled a knife on his dad because he didn’t get an iPhone for Christmas. It’s just as well. He obviously is going to spend his life waiting in line for the prison pay phone anyway.

Scientists in China have created a glow-in-the-dark pig by injecting it with jellyfish DNA. The best part is that people will still be able to find the bacon even when the refrigerator light has burned out.

Scientists in China have created a glow-in-the-dark pig by injecting it with jellyfish DNA. Which means that NFL games will now be able to be played even during a power outage.

Florida will soon have more residents than New York. Mostly because all the people in New York have moved to Florida.

Florida will soon have more residents than New York. Gee, where did they all come from? That’s like saying that California will soon have more people than Mexico.

Outgoing New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he has literally saved 9,200 lives with the drop in the city’s homicide rate. If that’s the case he can also get the blame for ruining millions of lives for all the people who lost their homes because of what the people on Wall Street did to the economy.

Outgoing New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he has literally saved 9,200 lives with the drop in the city’s homicide rate. That doesn’t even include the three people who are still alive today because of his doing away with Big Gulp sodas.

2013 saw the fewest forest fires since 1984. Mostly because it was during and after the ‘80s that Reagan and the Bushes did away with any of the trees that were still around.

2013 saw the fewest tornadoes in history in the U.S. Actually, there were still lots of tornadoes. It’s just that they weren’t reported since no one was living in any of the homes that were hit because they were all foreclosed.

A study says that sentimental films make people more liberal. Especially films that take us back to the days before 2000 and George W. Bush when people still had a job, a house and a chance of getting out of debt.

New New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio will inherit a huge NYPD counterterrorism force from Michael Bloomberg. And those are just the officers who have been reassigned to make sure there are no 32 ounce soft drinks being sold anywhere in the city.

French tightrope walker Henri Rechatin has died at age 82. He was the one man who made people think that not all the French are completely unbalanced.

A mysterious illness is killing starfish along the U.S. west coast. So far, researchers think it may be a case of obesity from eating too many Krabby Patties.

A 9 year old southern California boy became the youngest person to climb Mt. Aconcagua in Argentina. The parents of most 9 year olds would be happy if their kid could even find Argentina on a world map.

A poll says that 4 in 10 young adults worldwide have a bank account. However, they intend to keep them just long enough to put in enough money to get their overdrawn accounts back up to zero.

A poll says that 4 in 10 young adults worldwide have a bank account. The other 6 had bank accounts but the fees pretty much wiped out their balance long ago.

Jimmy Fallon was chosen in a poll as the most desirable neighbor. Mostly because if you lived next to Jimmy Fallon you would have a house in a pretty wealthy neighborhood.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian were chosen as the least desirable neighbors. Although that could change if Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus were ever to get married.

Latin American countries are taxing fast food and soda as a way to stop obesity rates from rising. They can blame it on the U.S. They survived for centuries on Mexican food but it didn’t make them fat until we gave it back as Taco Bell.

Tax benefits for commuters who use mass transit are set to drop. Which means public transportation will once again go back to the pickpockets, fondlers and people with a DUI.

A judge has ruled that a $15 minimum wage law in SeaTac, Washington will not apply to airport workers. That’s what happens when the TSA decides to strip search someone just because they are wearing a black robe onto an airplane.

The U.N. is making its first staff cuts in its history. Although if they really want to make some cuts that would help bring peace to the world, they could pretty much start with the General Assembly.

RV sales have reportedly gone back up to pre-recession levels. Apparently people have learned it’s a lot harder to foreclose on a house when it is speeding down the freeway.

High blood pressure continues to be a problem in the southeastern U.S. Especially for any gay people in Louisiana who live near the “Duck Dynasty” compound.

A study says that people who have job stress through middle age are more likely to have health problems later in life. Fortunately, the economic crash has done away with middle age job stress since anyone over 50 is pretty much out of the work force forever.

A study says that people who have job stress through middle age are more likely to have health problems later in life. Ironically, the biggest stress at work is being able to hold onto your job for the health insurance benefits.

A study says that working with a counselor is the best chance for a smoker to quit. Other than not being able to smoke when hospitalized for lighting up too close to a militant non-smoker.

Changes in Happy Meals from last year are helping kids cut calories. The biggest change from a year ago being for the kids who now consider themselves too old to eat a Happy Meal.

A study says that long term stress can change gene activity and cause inflammation that can lead to health issues. Just for once, can’t someone do a study outlining all the benefits of being stressed out all the time?

The Justin Bieber film “Believe” is playing at movie theaters. The documentary was directed by Jon M. Chu. At least something in Bieber’s life can be said to have direction.

Reports are the Justin Bieber film “Believe” is bombing at movie theaters. It looks like those tweets about retiring may have been a little more prophetic than anyone thought.

A new TLC series is called “Sex Sent Me To The ER.” Apparently it’s about people who have been dating Paris Hilton.

Taylor Swift was named by Dosomething.org as the most charitable celebrity. And that was just for her dating habits.

Jon Gosselin says that “Jon & Kate Plus 8” was “a mistake.” Although a bigger mistake was probably leaving the reality show that was his only source of income he has had in the past five years.

Jon Gosselin says that “Jon & Kate Plus 8” was “a mistake.” Even the Octomom is asking what they were doing trying to raise that many kids.

Kanye West says he won’t talk badly about anyone for the next six months. Apparently during that time he will only open his mouth to sing badly.

Miley Cyrus claims that she is just playing a character. The only problem is that the character is Lindsay Lohan.

The Boy Scouts will open their ranks to gay members starting January 1st. They have already made a move to accommodate gay scouts by giving the knot tying merit badge for anyone who knows how to tie a bow tie.

Sharks in Australia have been fitted with transmitters that send tweets when they are close to beaches. The tweets say “Duh-duh. Duhhhh-duh...duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh!”

Microsoft has applied for a trademark on “Mod.” Apparently the company is planning on marketing a device for people still living in 1964.

Anthony Weiner has returned to posting on Facebook. Mostly because everyone is still too afraid to open anything he sends them on Twitter.

Denver is issuing licenses for retail marijuana sales. The only problem anticipated will be store owners remembering where they put their license when they are asked to show it.

Denver is issuing licenses for retail marijuana sales. It will be the first time marijuana will be sold by a legitimate business other than out the back door of an ice cream truck.

The Marine Corps is delaying a requirement for women to be able to do at least three pull-ups. 55% of all women recruits could not complete all three pull-ups. The other 45% were told there was chocolate on top of the pull-up bar.

The Marine Corps is delaying a requirement for women to be able to do at least three pull-ups. Apparently younger Americans are so out of shape that exercise is now being considered a violation of the Geneva Convention on torture.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s back on the job here for me after Christmas. Hope all of you got what you wanted from Santa. Which is probably some help on paying off all the bills you are stuck with after the holidays. Just two days left in 2013, which still gives me 48 hours to come up with something funny. It leaves you the same amount of time to simply make a few quick keystrokes and send the love!

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