Sunday, December 22, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The first long term artificial heart has been implanted in a 75 year old patient in France. The heart is expected to work for up to five years. Or as Dick Cheney calls that, better than the original model.

Churches are using GPS technology to locate Baby Jesus figurines that are stolen from nativity scenes. Apparently it’s a lot more efficient than the old way of finding him with Three Wise Men tracking a star.

A Chicago woman was arrested for a near record 397th time. No one even knew that Lindsay Lohan had moved to Illinois.

Doctors are saying that “broken heart syndrome” is a real medical condition. Which means Taylor Swift is that close to officially being designated as a public health hazard.

Psychiatrists say that New york City micro apartments of 250-370 square feet can hurt tenants’ mental health, leading to claustrophobia, depression and alcoholism. Especially when the liquor cabinet is always at an arm’s length no matter where you are.

Psychiatrists say that New york City micro apartments of 250-370 square feet can hurt tenants’ mental health. Almost as much as living in any other kind of dwelling in New York City.

A new anti-gay law in Uganda calls for life imprisonment. Who knew that lawmakers in Uganda were all regular viewers of “Duck Dynasty”?

The season’s final episode of “The X Factor” was beaten out by a rerun of “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” Apparently guest appearances by Lea Michele, Pitpull and Ke$ha were no match for the Peanuts Gang’s finale chorus of “Loo loo loo...”

The season’s final episode of “The X Factor” was beaten out by a rerun of “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” Apparently people would rather hear Charlie Brown’s teacher saying “Wah wah wah” than listen to what Simon Cowell thinks about anything.

A Utah polygamist with five wives and 24 children will be getting a reality show on TLC. The only question is where except in rural Utah is that even considered a reality?

A Utah polygamist with five wives and 24 children will be getting a reality show on TLC. Otherwise known as “Jon & Kate & Kate & Kate &Kate &Kate”

A Utah polygamist with five wives and 24 children will be getting a reality show on TLC. Kim Kardashian will soon have that many spouses under her belt, just not at the same time.

A study says that walking each day cuts the risk of heart attacks and strokes by 8%. The only question is how were researchers ever able to find anyone they could actually prove it with?

Research says that shoppers spend $9 at stores for every $1 they spend online. At least when they count the money that people spend on buying a coffee at Starbucks while they are at the mall.

A survey says that 70% of Americans are concerned with their personal information being collected by the government, but the same percentage also use snooping tools themselves. If you consider it snooping to see on Facebook what all your friends had for breakfast.

Two Million Target shoppers face limits on their debit cards. In other words, the credit card hacking at Target has taught many people a valuable lesson. How to spend less.

A survey says that “disengaged” workers are more likely to look at a career change if they win the lottery. That is, if you consider it a career change to lay out on the sand on your own Caribbean island all day.

Overstock.com has become the biggest retailer to accept Bitcoin as payment. The only question is what will overstock do when they are overstocked with millions of Bitcoins when they are replaced by another online currency and become worthless?

Hanes Underwear is suing Hanes Hummus for trademark violation. The underwear company is starting out with an advantage in court as they have already filed their briefs.

Hanes Underwear is suing Hanes Hummus for trademark violation. It is definitely understandable how they wouldn’t want customers to mix up the two products.

Americans spent $5 Billion on upgrading their iPhones in 2013. Mostly on upgrading them to a phone that actually works by switching to a carrier other than AT&T.

McDonald’s has not been able to sell 20% of of the chicken wings they bought for their “Mighty Wings” promotion this year. They won’t go to waste. McDonald’s can just wait five years and use the meat to make Chicken McNuggets.

Records show that NSA spying goes back to 9/11 and the search for Al Queda. You would think that spies would have figured out by now why Osama Bin Laden hasn’t had any phone call activity since May of 2011.

The European Central Bank says that Italy must stay on a path to lower its debt. The question is, who out there is still loaning Italy any money?

Analysts say that beef prices will be going up in 2014. Which is good news for people who still eat most of their meals at McDonald’s.

A report says that Americans pay their automobile loans before their mortgage, credit cards and other bills. Mostly because they know when the economy crashes next time they want to make sure they still have a place to live.

The IMF says that economic growth in the U.S. will quicken in 2014. Which means if everything goes well through the year, we might get to change our economic status to “recession”, “slump” or “downturn.”

A report says that Obamacare along with a doctor shortage could spur the $2 Billion telehealth market. However, people are warned to be careful when logging on for a doctor’s appointment on your computer and he asks you to disrobe and you notice he has taken off his clothes, too.

A study says that anxiety may be linked to an increase in a risk of stoke. That ought to make anyone who is already anxious start to calm down.

The mother of a college student at UC Santa Barbara who is worried about meningitis flew him to England to get the shot which is unavailable in the U.S. The question is, if she is so worried about her son’s future, why is she having him go to school at UCSB?

The mother of a college student at UC Santa Barbara who is worried about meningitis flew him to England to get the shot which is unavailable in the U.S. Fortunately, most UCSB students are safe from the bacterial meningitis since the only people who have contracted it caught it while they were in class.

A study says that taking an extra 2,000 steps a day can lower the chance of developing heart problems. Except when those extra 2,000 steps a day are to the refrigerator and back to the couch.

The federal government is offering bare bones catastrophic coverage for people with no health insurance. To which other people are asking if there is a chance they can buy catastrophic insurance for the economy.

The federal government is offering bare bones catastrophic coverage for people with no health insurance. Apparently the insurance kicks in when the people have gotten so sick there is nothing left but their bare bones.

The FDA is preparing a plan to help keep food safe from terrorism. Or as they say about Taco Bell, “too late.”

1,500 people were tested for tuberculosis at a southern California high school. Many of the students complained, saying they didn’t even have any time to study for it.

Selena Gomez has canceled her Australian tour, saying she needs time to spend on herself. Otherwise known by as code for other performers as “rehab.”

Selena Gomez has canceled her Australian tour, saying she needs time to spend on herself. For one thing, she needs to get in touch with her deep down personal thoughts and answer the question what was she thinking getting involved with Justin Bieber?

Heather Mills reportedly lunged at and verbally abused an Paralympics official in Austria. No one even knew Paul McCartney’s ex-wife had gotten remarried.

Kris Jenner reportedly wants to help plan Kim Kardashian’s upcoming wedding to Kanye West. Apparently her first advice for anything they do is rent, don’t buy.

Kris Jenner reportedly wants to help plan Kim Kardashian’s upcoming wedding to Kanye West. Although Kardashian doesn’t see how she can be of any help since she has already been married as many times as her mom.

Tom Cruise has reportedly settled a defamation lawsuit with a publisher over remarks about his split with Katie Holmes. Newspapers should learn that if they don’t want to be sued for libelous statements about Cruise, they should keep their comments to his acting skills.

Charlie Sheen went on a social media rant against the anti-gay comments made by “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson. Forget all the anger and criticism up to this point. When Charlie Sheen starts preaching to you about your morality, it’s time to really sit down and take a look at yourself.

Several networks are reportedly interested in airing “Duck Dynasty” if A&E drops the show because of anti-gay comments by star Phil Robertson. The show will not end up following “Glee”, “Antiques Roadshow” or anywhere on Bravo TV.

Farmville has raised $1 Million to feed the hungry. The good news is the food will be distributed just as soon as Farmville participants finish with this year’s fake crop harvest.

The French have rejected the term “sexting” in favor of “textpornographie.” Apparently the French thought that was a more descriptive term after seeing all the tweets sent out by Anthony Weiner.

A celebration is planned for the upcoming 30th anniversary of the Macintosh computer. A similar celebration will be held by PC owners to mark the 30th anniversary whenever that happens of someone getting Windows Vista to actually work.

That’s it for now. Oh Faithful Readers! Only two days left to shop until Christmas. I just put my last Christmas card in the mail today which means by the time it finally arrives it will actually be an Easter greeting. Fortunately, you never have to depend on the Post Office when it comes to sending the love!

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