Friday, December 20, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


“Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson was suspended following controversial comments about gays. The question is, why is anyone even listening to the opinions of someone from “Duck Dynasty”?

“Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson was suspended following controversial comments about gays in an interview with GQ. The real question is why was a men’s fashion magazine even interviewing someone with an unkempt beard who only wears camo in the first place?

“Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson was suspended by A&E following controversial comments about gays. It isn’t known what he will do in the meantime but it is pretty certain he won’t be signed any reality TV show work over at Bravo.

“Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson was suspended by A&E following controversial comments about gays. Which means he could get his own reality show about what it’s like to be kicked off a reality show.

Justin Bieber announced he is retiring from music. Apparently now that he has plenty of money he wants to go back and finally finish up graduating from elementary school.

Police in Oklahoma allowed a man to finish proposing to his wife before arresting him on outstanding warrants. Which means he was giving her a ring at the same time he was being fitted for a new pair of bracelets.

Police in Oklahoma allowed a man to finish proposing to his wife before arresting him on outstanding warrants. The real romantic part was when she hocked the engagement ring to get money for his bail.

Police in Oklahoma allowed a man to finish proposing to his wife before arresting him on outstanding warrants. Hopefully she saw that as a pretty good reason to say “no.”

Edward Snowden did not make the list for the top ten Google searches in 2013. The only redeeming news is that the top ten also didn’t include Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian or Justin Bieber.

Cuba is lifting restrictions on the sales of new and used cars. The only restriction now for Cubans is figuring out how to pay off a car loan on a salary of $16 a month.

The U.S. military says it will replace lead ammunition with “green bullets” by 2018. This isn’t the first time the military has shown a concern for the environment. They pretty much recycled their plan for Vietnam when they invaded Iraq.

The U.S. military says it will replace lead ammunition with “green bullets” by 2018. Not only that, they will start building fighter jets out of aluminum so when they become obsolete they can just fly them right to the reclamation center to get their deposit back.

The Energy Department says that gasoline powered vehicles will dominate the roads in 2040. Mostly because with the economy recovering so slowly, people won’t be able to afford to buy another car for the next 27 years.

Scientists say that in some cases death can be reversible. Apparently they figure if Larry King has done it so many times, why can’t everyone else?

Scientists say that in some cases death can be reversible. Otherwise known as getting a health insurance plan that isn’t with an HMO.

The number of fraternity members has dropped in the NFL as college coaches are discouraging players from joining. But then who needs fraternity members when you have players like Richie Incognito?

A $3,500 diamond ring was dropped into a Salvation Army kettle in Florida. Rings are often given to Charity in Florida. Usually every Saturday night when she is done with her final pole dance.

President Obama has pardoned eight people convicted of crack cocaine offenses. As soon as the word got out, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford started looking into buying a vacation home in the states.

Some of President Obama’s aides are postponing plans to quit. Apparently none of them want to leave and have people think it was because they had something to do with creating the Obamacare website.

A report says the U.S. leads the world in attracting inventors from other countries. Apparently creative foreigners want to come here because they see Americans buying Snuggies, Chia Pets and the Clapper and figure they are practically guaranteed success no matter what kind of garbage they invent. 

A Starbucks in Nevada had 73 customers pay it forward for the person in line behind them. It wasn’t out of generosity. The people were paying money because they thought the receipt they were given with their coffee was their Keno numbers.

A study says the best way to get kids to eat fruit and vegetables is to pay them. The only problem is that when parents give their children money they usually run out and spend it all at McDonald’s.

A survey says that 93% of hospital executives think the ACA will make health care better. Anyone who is against Obamacare can use the fact that health care executives are in favor of it for proof it will cost us all a lot more money with a lot less coverage.

A survey says that 93% of hospital executives think the ACA will make health care better. The other 7% were too busy helping their surgeons look around the hospital for patients’ limbs that were accidentally amputated and misplaced.

A “slightly haunted” house in Pennsylvania is on sale for $140,000. Although knowing there are ghosts in the house is nowhere near as terrifying as the fact the house is being offered with a subprime mortgage.

A “slightly haunted” house in Pennsylvania is on sale for $140,000. It is the second scariest place in the state, right behind Jerry Sandusky’s shower.

NFL games account for 30 of the 31 most watched TV shows since Labor Day. Mostly because only one game out of the entire week is aired on NBC.

A Microsoft manager and his friend are being accused of insider trading. Apparently the manager and friend are being charged after frantically selling off all their Microsoft stock right before the company introduced Windows Vista.

The life expectancy in New Yorkers has risen with an influx of immigrants. Mostly because people coming into this country live longer because they haven’t yet started to eat like Americans.

Researchers say a “stress gene” can increase the risk of heart attacks and death. That ought to make people with that gene feel a little more relaxed.

Harvard researchers say they have found a new compound that makes old cells young again. Don’t we already have that? It’s called Viagra.

The CDC has issued a travel advisory for St. Martin because of a mosquito-borne viral disease. Although most people when comparing that with the prospect of going to a winter destination where it’s 80 degrees and sunny with white sand beaches and clear ocean water, they will take their chances.

A study found harmful bacteria on 97% of chicken tested in stores. To which most people say they like to remove even the slightest fraction of doubt by eating their meals at Taco Bell.

A study has found why girls’ brains mature faster than those of boys. Apparently because boys brains instinctively completely shut down whenever there are any girls around.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly shopping around a tell all book. The bad part is that every time Lohan goes shopping, she usually ends up in custody for shoplifting.

“Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood says she ate fentanyl painkiller patches while in rehab. Giving her another show and having kids watch it would probably help drop the teen birth rate to around zero.

Simon Cowell says he may have a different role in a revamped version of “The X Factor” next year. The way the show’s ratings are going, that role may have something to do with pushing a broom.

Olympic Champion figure skater Brian Boitano has come out and announced he is gay. In other news, the Sun rose this morning in the east.

A Pennsylvania man won a $1 Million Picasso painting in a raffle. Which means he was picked in a drawing for a drawing.

“Katie” has been canceled after the show’s second season. Even her old gig at “Today” is asking where in the world is Katie Couric?

“Katie” has been canceled after the show’s second season. Katie Couric bombed as anchor at “The CBS Evening News” and with her ABC talk show. How bad is it that your career high point came while you were with NBC?

Demi Lovato says she is leaving “The X Factor” to focus on her music career. Apparently even the prospect of ending back in rehab is better than having to go through another season sitting next to Simon Cowell.

MTV is introducing a new prank show called “Jerks With Cameras.” Don’t we already have that? It’s called “Celebrity Apprentice.”

Harry Connick, Jr. says that being a judge on “American Idol” isn’t rocket science. If it was, Cape Canaveral would be littered with thousands of space ships that never got off the launch pad.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is calling for the Washington Redskins to change their name. To which the Redskins are saying if anyone should change their name to erase stereotypes and a negative image to Americans it’s the Senate.

Protective headgear for Major League pitchers will be available starting in 2014. Right now, protective headgear is only recommended for anyone considering signing with the Houston Astros.

Mark Zuckerberg has donated $1 Billion to the Silicon Valley Community Foundation. The only bad part is that Zuckerberg donated $1 Billion of Facebook IPO stock, which can be cashed in next week for it’s current value of around $16.47.

Mark Zuckerberg has donated $1 Billion to the Silicon Valley Community Foundation. The foundation provides financial assistance to people trying to get by in Silicon Valley on a salary of less than $250,000 a year.

Mark Zuckerberg has donated $1 Billion to the Silicon Valley Community Foundation. Apparently the foundation some some charity work with the unfortunates in Silicon Valley who can only afford one vacation home.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only four shopping days left until Christmas. Although any of you who have shopped at Target will be buying presents long after that for the people who stole your credit card information from the store. Although it’s a sure thing that you will never have your identity stolen for sending the love!

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