Thursday, December 19, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


California Governor Jerry Brown is being urged by supporters to run for President in 2016. So now it looks like there are even political implications no one thought about when marijuana became legalized.

California Governor Jerry Brown is being urged by supporters to run for President in 2016. Apparently all the Baby Boomers who are starting to suffer the effects of dementia are thinking it is 1975 again.

“Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson gave an interview where he called homosexuality “illogical.” Not only that, but he also outed Donald, Daffy and the AFLAC duck.

“Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson gave an interview where he compared gays to terrorists. Which is strange coming from someone who hangs out with a group of men who carry guns, wear head covering and have long beards.

A report says that Facebook will pay no taxes for the second straight year. Apparently their IPO turned out to be a great idea as the company just keeps deducting all the losses they take on their stock prices.

CNN is reportedly interested in signing Jay Leno once his contract at NBC expires in February. CNN has no show planned for him, they just figure it will be worth it to pay him to stop making all his jokes about CNN.

A report says that marijuana use is up in high schools. Apparently kids are starting to find out where their grandparents who grew up in the ‘60s are hiding their stash.

A hospital in China has opened a clinic for people feeling symptoms related to smog. To which the people in Los Angeles are saying “Wimps!”

A hospital in China has opened a clinic for people feeling symptoms related to smog. Not to say that the air quality is getting bad there, but no one has showed up yet at the clinic because they can’t find the hospital through all the haze.

The NFL says the Super Bowl could be moved to Saturday or Monday if there is a snowstorm in New Jersey. The only good thing about a blizzard moving through is that all the snow would cover the fact that the game is being played in New Jersey.

A poll says that only half of all Americans consider Christmas a religious holiday. In fact, so many people spend so much time in stores shopping that they think we are celebrating the birth of the Wal-Mart smiley face.

A survey says that job satisfaction is at an all time low for federal employees. Although it still is nowhere as low as the public’s satisfaction with federal employees.

A tourist in Australia walked off a pier while checking Facebook on her cellphone. The question is, what kind of vacation are you on when you are constantly checking Facebook to see what the people back home ate for breakfast?

A record number of Americans feel that big government is the greatest threat to the U.S. The worst part is that the poll was done with information taken by phone surveillance on Americans by the NSA.

A Texas judge has ruled that search warrants can be obtained on predictions of future crime. Civil rights activists were shocked. Texas uses search warrants?

The Bank of England will introduce polymer bank notes starting in 2016. The plastic money doesn’t melt until 250 degrees, which makes them safe for machine washings. Although that does increase the fear of widespread money laundering.

The Bank of England will introduce polymer bank notes starting in 2016. That ends 320 years of the use of paper money. That’s nothing new, the U.S. has been paying its bills with checks made out of rubber for years.

An Indonesian man has been convicted of selling millions of dollars of counterfeit wines to collectors. It was the biggest case of anyone caught selling fake wine since Gallo went into business.

An Indonesian man has been convicted of selling millions of dollars of counterfeit wines to collectors. Of course the real fraud is people thinking that any wine is worth more than about $20 a bottle.

Pope Francis I has been speaking to crowds about four times larger than those of his predecessor Pope Benedict XVI. Mostly because they figure anyone who takes on capitalism is less likely to ask everyone to put something in the collection plate.

A former BP engineer has been found guilty of obstruction for deleting e-mails about the Gulf Oil Spill. Which shows that BP was telling the truth when it says it was trying to clean up after the spill. At least when it came to all the evidence.

A former BP engineer has been found guilty of obstruction for deleting e-mails about the Gulf Oil Spill. He could face 20 years in prison. Who knew that hitting “delete” on your computer was worth more time than actually pouring 200 Million gallons of oil into the ocean?

The U.S. and China are in a race to be the first to develop an invisible cloak. It doesn’t matter who makes it first. The only thing that is certain is that when it becomes a reality it will be made by the Chinese and sold in Wal-Mart stores.

A panel says that blood pressure guidelines for people over 60 can be loosened so that people that age can take fewer pills. Just the fact that people can lower their prescription bills will be enough to lower their blood pressure a few points.

A panel of advisers is urging President Obama to put new limits on NSA spying. Intelligence experts were surprised. There are already some limits to what the NSA can do?

A Harvard student made up a bomb hoax to disrupt classes because he wasn’t prepared to take one of his finals. Apparently that was his second hoax. The first was someone coming up with a plan that dumb being able to talk his way into getting accepted into Harvard.

A study says that 1 in 10 married people says their spouse is a financial bully. The other 9 are hoping they can someday get caught up on their mortgage, car and credit card payments.

The FCC says it is considering scrapping its blackout rule for the NFL. Which means in the future when the league talks about blackouts, it will be referring to the players who can’t remember anything about their careers from all the concussions.

BP is accusing a Texas lawyer of fraud over phantom worker’s claims in the Gulf Oil Spill. Which is completely different from the millions of gallons of phantom oil that BP claims is no longer in the ocean.

A study says that eating an apple a day could save 8,500 lives a year in Britain alone. Mostly because it means they will have to eat that much less British food.

A study says that eating an apple a day could save 8,500 lives a year in Britain alone. The only problem is finding 8,500 people in the UK who have enough teeth to be able to eat an apple.

A survey says that 60% of high school seniors do not think marijuana is harmful. Especially the high school seniors who smoke a lot of pot and are finally ready to graduate at age 25.

A study says that children who grow up in a two parent household have lower blood pressure. Mostly from having two adults to fight with each other instead of involving the kids.

An EPA study says that drinking water around the country is tainted with trace amounts of prescription drugs. Which means there is finally a government health care plan that includes everyone.

A study says that fewer teens are smoking synthetic marijuana. Who needs fake pot when the real thing is easier to buy legally in most states than cigarettes?

A study says that a quarter to a half of all Americans get no preventative dental care. People were shocked. That many Americans are now living in the South?

A study says that pot smokers have similar brain structures as schizophrenics. Especially pot smokers living in states where marijuana hasn’t been legalized yet.

Researchers at UNC say they have found evidence of 45 virgin births. People were surprised. They were able to find 45 virgins at UNC?

Jennifer Lawrence says it should be illegal to call someone fat on TV. If that happened there could be the perfect crossover episode between “Cops” and “The Biggest Loser.”

“Mary Poppins” will be preserved in the Library of Congress. The movie is nearly 50 years old and film experts hope they can keep it anywhere near as well preserved as Dick Van Dyke. 

A new movie will be made out of “Gilligan’s Island.” Which means that it is official: Hollywood has now run out of ideas for films.

A new movie will be made out of “Gilligan’s Island.” People are hoping for a crossover where the entire Kardashian family is sent away on a deserted island.

Khloe Kardashian says her split from her husband is torture to her soul. To which her mom Kris Jenner is asking “What’s a soul?”

Khloe Kardashian says her split from her husband is torture to her soul. Which is exactly the same feeling for anyone with an IQ over 80 who is forced to watch an episode of “The Kardashians.”

Notre Dame is sending each of its football recruits 477 pieces of mail. Which would mean anyone getting a scholarship will actually do more reading before taking the field than any other college athletes will in their entire four years on campus.

A new video game called “The Walk” challenges players to get off the couch. So far the highest score ever recorded on the game is 42 out of a possible 10 Million.

A $119 device turns a smartphone into a breathalyzer. That can be done for a lot less money. Anyone using their smartphone to call their high school girlfriend because they are lonely should consider themselves way too drunk.

A poll says that members of Congress and lobbyists are considered less ethical than car salespeople. Political experts were surprised. People think that members of Congress and lobbyists have even some ethics?

Congress has passed a budget that they have sent along to President Obama. When you are already $17 Trillion in debt, do you really even have a concept of what a budget even is?

The Federal Reserve will start unwinding its stimulus next month. Economists were surprised. There is something stimulating the economy?

Montana Senator Max Baucus has been nominated by President Obama to be Ambassador to China. Imagine the shock to his system when he goes from “Big Sky” to “Brown Sky.”

Keith Richards has turned 70 years old. The rest of the Rolling Stones say they just wish he were still alive to enjoy it.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! There are only five more shopping days until Christmas. And even fewer opportunities for me to say how many shopping days there are until Christmas. But there is always plenty of time for you to remember to send the love!

No comments: