Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The White House has named former Microsoft executive Kurt DelBene to head the HeathCare.gov website. Who better to handle a complete online disaster than someone from the company that gave us Windows Vista?

The White House has named former Microsoft executive Kurt DelBene to head the HeathCare.gov website. He was in charge of Microsoft Office. Which means all of his communications will be handled by his spokesperson, Clippy the office assistant.

The outgoing CEO of GM says the company shouldn’t have to pay off the taxpayer loss of $10 Billion on the government bailout, saying it was a stockholder risk. That’s like loaning someone money for a trip to Nevada and then having them call you an idiot when they gamble it all away in Las Vegas.

A study says that travel decreases the risk of heart attacks and depression and promotes brain health. Until the moment you reach the end of the TSA security check line.

A study says that travel decreases the risk of heart attacks and depression and promotes brain health. Mostly because the only people who have money to travel also have enough to also keep them happier and healthier than everyone else.

A study says that travel decreases the risk of heart attacks and depression and promotes brain health. Especially the ones who are traveling to just about any other country where they will get much better health care than they afford here.

A poll says that Americans’ belief in God is declining. Mostly because they don’t have any money in their wallets, which is where they used to always be assured with seeing “In God We Trust.”

Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn has put out his annual “Wastebook” which slams the loss of $30 Billion in what he calls wasteful spending. It’s just too bad he isn’t in a position of power where he could actually do something about the amount of money the government budgets every year.

A report says that Washington, D.C. far outpaces the rest of the nation in personal earnings. Mostly because the rest of the country just doesn’t have access to supplementing their incomes with opportunities of graft, corruption and bribery.

Scientists say they are concerned with the fate of bananas around the world from plagues of bugs and fungal infections. People are shocked. They have never even seen bananas served at a Taco Bell.

Scientists say they are concerned with the fate of bananas around the world from plagues of bugs and fungal infections. If things don’t get better soon, experts are worried the entire species of bananas may split.

A charity is selling raffle tickets to win a $1 Million Picasso painting for $137 each. The only problem is that the numbers on the tickets are illegible, discontinuous and left to the purchaser’s interpretation.

A New Mexico teacher who told a Black student dressed as Santa Claus that “Santa is White” has been placed on paid leave. The teacher could be fired, reinstated or take a position as commentator at Fox News.

Pope Francis I has declared Jesuit Pierre Favre a saint. Favre lived from 1506 to 1546. He would have been named a saint earlier but kept announcing he was coming out of retirement.

The Army says it will release 4,000 captains and majors due to budget cuts. What about the generals? When a baseball team keeps losing, they fire the manager and not the pitcher and outfielders.

A study says that Ohioans swear the most of people from any state. Mostly Ohio State fans at Urban Meyer for blowing a chance at the national championship game.

A study says that Washington State residents swear the least of any state. If people don’t get upset at paying $7 for a cup of coffee, there isn’t much that is going to make them lose their temper.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has apologized for calling a newspaper reported a “pedophile.” Of course, his excuse is that he was high on pot and crack and was too drunk to remember.

A survey says the income gap is holding back the economy. The survey crossed all economic lines, including poor people who can’t do anything about it along with rich people who don’t care.

A poll says that 7 in 10 Americans see a college education as being very important. The other 3 couldn’t take part in the poll as they were too busy working their three minimum wage jobs to pay off their college loans.

Toys R Us will stay open 87 straight hours through Christmas Eve. That will give kids a full 87 hours to find the toys they want for Christmas that will be used for all of 10 minutes.

Drug maker Glaxo says it will stop paying doctors to promote their drugs. So far the only other pharmaceutical companies that don’t have to pay doctors are the ones that make Viagra and Cialis who make their physicians happy with free samples.

Data says that Hawaii is the healthiest state, with the least healthiest Mississippi. Apparently “healthiest” can also be substituted for “state where you would most want to live.”

A bill in Congress would stop employers from denying jobs to applicants with bad credit. Which would be ironic for someone trying to get a job at the bank that wiped them out by selling them a bad subprime home loan.

A bill in Congress would stop employers from denying jobs to applicants with bad credit. Mostly because the people looking for jobs are broke from being out of work for so long.

A study says that older women are sedentary most of the day. Just like older men, younger men and women and children of all ages.

A study says that older women are sedentary most of the day. At least the ones that don’t live in nursing homes that dispense Viagra to the men living there.

Major League Baseball revenue topped the $8 Billion mark for the first time ever. That number would drop by half if it didn’t include the concession fees from Yankee Stadium.

AIG says companies are massively underinsured for cyber risk. And if anyone knows the consequences of insurance risk, it is the same company that insured all those bad subprime home mortgages that started the economic meltdown.

A study says that half of all multimillionaires gave money to less affluent family members. Although researchers say they didn’t approve of them throwing the money off their balconies, laughing loudly while making their relatives fight each other for the cash.

A report says that $800 Million in lottery winnings go unclaimed each year. Which is probably good since the winners would have ended up spending more than a billion dollars and would be completely in debt.

A batch of homemade jailhouse wine sickened inmates in a Utah jail. It could have been worse. Someone could have sneaked in and given all the prisoners bottles of Gallo.

A batch of homemade jailhouse wine sickened inmates in a Utah jail. What did prisoners expect, drinking a brew that came from a toilet and was called “Pruno”?

A batch of homemade jailhouse wine sickened inmates in a Utah jail. It wasn’t the wine that made them sick. It was the striptease performance that came with a two drink minimum.

The FDA is warning that some ADHD drugs can result in prolonged erections. The good news is that is certainly one way to get a person’s attention.

Doctors in Brazil performed a C-Section on a woman who wasn’t pregnant. That would be like scheduling brain surgery on Donald Trump.

A report says that almost 15% of Americans are still uninsured. Maybe it’s time the government turned over the Obamacare website to the GEICO Gecko.

Doctors in China attached a man’s severed hand to his ankle after a work accident to keep it alive until they could sew it back on. That is great news for Americans who haven’t been able to touch their toes in years.

Doctors in China attached a man’s severed hand to his ankle after a work accident to keep it alive until they could sew it back on. Not only did they save the patient’s hand, but he was also able to kick field goals without having to find someone to hold the ball.

A report says that acupuncture on the ear could help with weight loss. Especially when the needles are used to close up the ear flaps so they can’t hear it when they are called for dinner.

A marriage experiment found that it is better to be right than happy. Of course, men have known for centuries that they are much happier when they admit their wives are right.

“Bachelorette” couple Ryan and Trista renewed their wedding vows on their 10th anniversary. Although guests weren’t sure if it was billed as a “rerun” or a “spinoff.”

Kevin Costner is back in a starring role in the movie “3 Days To Kill.” Apparently the movie got its title because Costner’s movies look like the result of a film crew slamming something out when they have three days to kill.

The Academy Awards Oscar logo will have a new look this year. The Academy spared no expense. The logo had its work done by the same doctor who did all of Cher’s facelifts.

Ashley Judd is accusing her sister Wynonna of placing a GPS tracking device in Ashley’s Mini Cooper. People were shocked. Why is Ashley Judd driving a Mini Cooper?

Ashley Judd is accusing her sister Wynonna of placing a GPS tracking device in Ashley’s Mini Cooper. Remember the old days before technology when country singers got in trouble for drinking, fighting and getting divorced?

Alex Rodriguez is reportedly writing a tell all book. Or as most people expect from Alex Rodriguez, a tell all lies book.

Alex Rodriguez is reportedly writing a tell all book. Apparently he is writing a book because that way he doesn’t have to say anything while under oath.

The New York Yankees have been hit with a $28 Million luxury tax fee. That’s on top of the $25 Million “luxury tax” they are paying to have Alex Rodriguez sit on the bench.

Researchers say that Neanderthals may have intentionally buried their dead. Apparently they got their proof by seeing Sylvester Stallone at the funeral services for Micky Goldmill in “Rocky III.”

Microsoft is expected to announce a new CEO by early next year. Apparently it has taken so long to find a successor for Steve Ballmer because they are still trying to find someone who can explain how they are going to eventually make Windows work.

Microsoft is celebrating a big year for their search engine Bing, which doubled its number of video searches from 2012. At least that’s the information they got by looking it up on Google.

A temporary worker died on the job at an Amazon facility in California. Which pretty much changed his status to “permanent.”

A temporary worker died on the job at an Amazon facility in California. The good news is that the worker was a member of Amazon Prime so his body was shipped to the funeral home for free.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only six shopping days left until Christmas. That’s when all the Santa decorations come down and we get hit with all the advertising for what to buy for Valentine’s Day. But you don’t have to wait all the way until February. It’s OK any time to send the love!

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