Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A federal judge says the NSA domestic spying program may be unconstitutional. The government says it is just glad the judge didn’t look at torture, corruption and spending us into permanent debt.

Some yoga classes are attracting people by allowing them to bring their dogs to class. Dogs? Wait, wasn’t Yoga the name of a bear?

A report says that Congress actually worked more hours than most Americans last year. Probably because of all the people who are still out of work because Congress won’t pass any employment bills.

A report says that Congress actually worked more hours than most Americans last year. That is if you count the time they spend on working on campaign strategy, campaigning and raising money for their campaigns.

A study says that hacker bots are responsible for 31% of all Internet traffic. The other 69% is men going to the porn sites that are infected by all the hacker bots.

Researchers at the University of Singapore say they have created a device that makes objects invisible by bathing them in a beam of darkness. In other words, no one could see anything when they turned out the lights.

The FDA says that anti-bacterial soaps may be doing more harm than good. In other words, soap manufacturers need to kick in a few more dollars before the FDA allows anything to go through like they do with drug and food manufacturers.

The FDA says that anti-bacterial soaps may be doing more harm than good. How bad is it when even soap companies are being told to clean up their act?

Researchers say the number of children who take antipsychotic drugs has tripled in the past few years. If people think their kids are acting psychotic, what is going to happen when they become teenagers and actually are psychotic?

Scott Brown has moved to New Hampshire, fueling speculation he will run for the Senate there. Mostly because no one else could come up with any other reason why someone would ever move to New Hampshire.

A report says the military wasted $5.4 Million on incinerators in Afghanistan. Apparently they would have done better using incinerators here to just burn the money we spent for nothing in Afghanistan.

A report says the military wasted $5.4 Million on incinerators in Afghanistan. Although on the other hand, the military was praised for having a project that only wasted $5.4 Million in taxpayers’ money.

Researchers say that marijuana use by teenagers may damage brain structures critical to memory and reasoning. The only thing more detrimental to memory and reasoning is being a teenager.

Domino’s Pizza in Israel is offering the company’s first ever vegan pizza. Or as vegan pizza is known in the U.S., a Frisbee.

Domino’s Pizza in Israel is offering the company’s first ever vegan pizza. When they offer it in the U.S., anyone who can eat a slice in 30 minutes or less gets it free.

The next Mega Millions lottery jackpot will be an estimated $586 Million. Or as the U.S. government calls that, about three seconds.

A jealous South Florida Wal-Mart worker shot up the car of the store’s Employee of the Month. Police aren’t sure if the shooter was jealous that the other worker won the awards or if they could work at Wal-Mart and afford to have a car.

A jealous South Florida Wal-Mart worker shot up the car of the store’s Employee of the Month. The award is coveted by workers who can use it to add to their resume so they can look for work somewhere besides Wal-Mart.

A British group at a retirement home has set a record for the world’s oldest choir, with the average age over 91. Apparently by just a couple of years they were able to beat out the New Kids On The Block.

World heavyweight boxing champ Vitali Klitschko is vacating his title to enter politics in the Ukraine. He will become the first politician to ever actually throw his hat out of the ring.

World heavyweight boxing champ Vitali Klitschko is vacating his title to enter politics in the Ukraine. That might not be a bad idea. Can you imagine how much work would get done out of fear if Mike Tyson were in Congress?

A report says the worldwide median income is $10,000 a year. The report was commissioned by Wal-Mart to show their employees that on a grand scale they aren’t doing so badly after all.

A report says the worldwide median income is $10,000 a year. Although if you take away Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Mark Zuckerberg, it drops to around $125.

A study says that it pays to be good looking, starting in high school. That’s when kids find out that apples have nowhere near as much success in raising grades as dating the teacher.

A report says that work productivity in the U.S. is at its best pace in the past four years. Except for researchers who take four years to finish a simple report.

A judge has granted a former UBS banker in Florida charged with tax fraud a $9 Million bond. Which means it’s a good thing he defrauded the government out of all that money so he has plenty of cash to make bail.

Some stores are using odors to create an atmosphere where people are more likely to spend their money. In the U.S., the best way to get people to pull out their wallets is to make the place smell like Big Macs.

A study says that a bad night’s sleep may raise blood pressure in children. Although not nearly as high as the parents of kids who won’t fall asleep at night.

President Obama is set to meet with tech experts about surveillance and the HealthCare.gov website. The question is how can the government be so good at spying on everyone while being so bad about getting health insurance to anyone?

New studies are debunking the benefits of multivitamins. Apparently once you have eaten doughnuts for breakfast, Big Macs for lunch and pizza for dinner, it’s going to take a lot more than a few vitamins to make up for it.

Actor Peter O’Toole has died at age 81. His most memorable role was “Lawrence of Arabia.” Not because he was nominated for an Oscar, but for the past few years being known by that title put him on all the “No-Fly” lists.

Oscar winning actress Joan Fontaine has died at age 96. She is the sister of Oscar winning actress Olivia de Havilland. They are the only siblings to win Academy Awards for acting. And it will stay that way if the Lohans, Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez have anything to say about it.

Miley Cyrus told Barbara Walters when she broke up with Liam Hemsworth she was “afraid of being alone.” Although she will never be as alone as when she clears the room by starting to twerk.

A report says that Lindsay Lohan is considering a tell-all book. The only problem is what is there about Lindsay Lohan’s personal life that everyone doesn’t already know in way too much detail?

Chris Brown has had his probation revoked by a judge following his recent fight in Washington, D.C. Which means that fight was the most productive battle in D.C. than anything that has come out of the past five sessions of Congress.

Richie Incognito has been suspended with pay for the rest of the football season while the NFL investigates charges he bullied a teammate. Which is ironic that the league is wishing that someone named Incognito would just disappear from sight.

Richie Incognito has been suspended with pay for the rest of the football season while the NFL investigates charges he bullied a teammate. So he’s basically being rewarded for alleged illegal behavior. Which means next year the league may field a team sponsored by Wall Street executives.

Louisville junior quarterback Teddy Bridgewater says he is “undecided” about joining the NFL. Which is exactly what was said at the beginning of the season by the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Canada is taking Google to court over their search monopoly. Although how much of a monopoly do you need on searches when every other one is “Hockey”, “Maple syrup” or “beer”?

The Department of Justice says it is studying a judge’s ruling that the NSA domestic spying policy is unconstitutional. The only problem is that there hasn’t been an actual copy of the Constitution at the Justice Department since 2000.

A report says the U.S. economic outlook for 2014 is rosier. Although it would make everyone a lot more optimistic if they would use something to describe the economy that isn’t red.

Levi’s Stadium near San Francisco has lost its bid to host the 2017 college football national title game. Apparently the NCAA turned them down, saying it just wasn’t a good fit.

JetBlue says it will enforce a ban on inflight voice calls by people using Wi-Fi. Although that won’t include people who are calling for pizza delivery to the airport after being stranded on the tarmac for three hours while waiting to take off.

Apple CEO Tim Cook spoke out on civil rights, saying equality for everyone is at the core of his beliefs. Which means you get the same $2 a month salary when working at their Chinese suppliers whether you are 6 years old or 93.

Outgoing GM CEO Dan Akerson says taxpayers got a net gain from the $10 Billion they spent on the company’s government bailout. Meaning they should just be happy it wasn’t their personal savings they invested or they would all be belly up.

A report says that Twitter may let people edit their tweets. Just how much editing do you have to do when you can’t use more than 140 characters?

A report says that Twitter may let people edit their tweets. Or people could actually have someone else check their tweets to remove anything stupid before they send them out and make fools of themselves.

A cafe in New Zealand uses pneumatic tubes to deliver food to customers at 87 mph. Which is still a slower speed than most people can down a Big Mac, Fries and soft drink during their lunch break.

A cafe in New Zealand uses pneumatic tubes to deliver food to customers at 87 mph. Apparently their slogan is “Faster than the speed of obesity.”

A cafe in New Zealand uses pneumatic tubes to deliver food to customers at 87 mph. Which is exactly the same speed as the ambulance that takes diners to the hospital after eating a cheeseburger and chili cheese fries combo.

Senator John McCain says people in the Ukraine are tired of corruption and a bad economy. He is just lucky that so far Americans obviously aren’t.

A Ted Cruz coloring book is at the top spot on the Amazon best seller list. It may even go higher once Cruz actually finishes coloring in all the pages.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only one week left for shopping before Christmas. More importantly, just a week before you don’t have to hear anyone trying to make a catchy commercial or political ad out of “The Twelve Days Of Christmas.” Even better is the fact that it only takes a few seconds to get on your computer keyboard and send the love!

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