Sunday, December 15, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


China has landed the first unmanned soft landing on the Moon since 1976. Apparently it was the closest place to home where they could actually see to land without any smog.

A private terminal at Newark International Airport has opened that caters only to upscale passengers. Which refers to people who have enough money to get out of Newark.

Manhattan apartment rents have dropped for the third straight month, to a median of $3,100 a month. That brings the price down to just over that of living in a refrigerator box on 3rd Avenue.

A study says that the Earth was warmer than it is now during Roman and Medieval times. Up until now everyone thought they wore those flimsy Toga sheets because they were always so drunk.

A study says that heavy online use causes anxiety. Mostly for men who are scared to death their wives will find out what they are looking at on their computers.

A four year old British boy has been found to have an IQ of 160. Which after Saturday night at the pubs is also known in the UK as the total number of IQ points left in Scotland.

A New York City mansion is on the market for $114 Million. It’s so valuable because it’s one of the few properties in the city where there is no view of any sign containing the word “Trump.”

A study says that teen addiction to porn is a growing problem. Apparently the reason teens are looking at porn online is because it is there.

A study says that teen addiction to porn is a growing problem. The real problem is with middle aged men who are mad that all they ever had at that age was a few Playboy magazines hidden under the mattress.

Dennis Rodman is heading to North Korea next week to help coach the national basketball team despite the reports of the execution of the uncle of leader Kim Jong-un. He says it is still less scary than the thought of coaching for Mark Cuban.

A police detective in Arizona has resigned her job after finding out she is an illegal alien. The sad part is that she spent all her time looking for people to deport and the only one she found was herself.

A Pennsylvania man was arrested for trying to disguise 20 pounds of marijuana as Christmas presents. Suspicions were raised when police saw all the presents were labeled to be going to Snoop Dogg.

A Pennsylvania man was arrested for trying to disguise 20 pounds of marijuana as Christmas presents. Although it was pretty hard to disguise the fact that basically he had just put Christmas wrapping over a 20 pound joint.

A Pennsylvania man was arrested for trying to disguise 20 pounds of marijuana as Christmas presents. Police were tipped off when the say instead of wrapping paper with pictures of Santa, they were covered with gift wrap featuring the Zig-Zag Man.

The South African interpreter who caused controversy at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela says previous charges against him for murder and kidnapping were false. Apparently he made the mistake of confessing through sign language to littering but got that wrong, too.

Two western New York teenagers are being charged with forcing their toddler to smoke pot. Apparently they were making a video that they were going to use to audition to be on “Teen Mom.”

Two western New York teenagers are being charged with forcing their toddler to smoke pot. Although they say it did work a whole lot better than just using a regular pacifier.

Toyota is entering settlement negotiations over accelerator problems that were claimed with their cars four years ago. Which is frustrating the plaintiffs as the only thing at Toyota that doesn’t speed out of control is their legal staff.

A federal judge has approved a settlement with credit card companies over swipe fees. Apparently the only “swipe fees” the credit card companies will be able to maintain are their high interest fees that swipe all their customers’ money.

Bernard Madoff says he provided “key information” to authorities about J.P. Morgan Chase’s involvement with his fraud scheme. Madoff stole a reported $50 Billion from customers. Or as J.P. Morgan Chase calls him “Amateur!”

The Supreme Court is set to decide whether employees can sue their companies for losses in their 401(k) plans when the company’s stock drops. The Court may decline based on conflict of information since the “company” that controls their pension plan is $17 Trillion in the hole.

A National Highway Transportation Safety Administration survey says that even speeders agree that speeding is bad. What’s even worse is that the speeders texted in their answers while they were busy driving their cars over the speed limit.

A federal judge has ruled part of a Utah law banning polygamy is unconstitutional. Most Americans were shocked, saying having more than one wife is immoral. At least not all at the same time, just three or four that you marry one after another.

Researchers say that James Bond is an alcoholic, consuming 9 to 13 drinks a day. Mostly because he is bored to tears after being transferred to the the NSA and having to  now just listen to wiretapped phone calls and read intercepted texts all day.

Big Tobacco is moving to limit smoking laws in poorer countries. Especially politically unstable Third World countries where tobacco companies make huge profits just from firing squad requests for last cigarettes.

New “smart” running shoes may help people run more correctly to prevent injuries. Up until now, smart shoes were considered any pair of shoes that were smarter than the people who ponied up $200 to buy them.

A study says that light exercise may reduce the risk of kidney stones. Although anyone thinking Americans will exercise to prevent a few stones has rocks in their head.

A study says that in the past 20 years, lying has become more common. The study also says that researchers are better looking, smarter and more attractive to women than anyone else.

A study says that sugar and not fat drives people to eat unhealthy treats. Ironically, they don’t realize it’s the sugar inside the treats that are making them fat and unhealthy.

A study says that treating sleep apnea can help men with their golf games. Mostly because no one wants to be playing golf where the other people in their foursome are all snoring while they are trying to putt.

A study says that treating sleep apnea can help men with their golf games. Although there is no better way for a woman kick her husband out of bed early in the morning to go play golf than after he has been keeping her awake snoring all night.

A Texas teenager who killed four people in a DUI crash avoided jail time when his lawyer pleaded “affluenza”, where his wealthy parents were too busy making money to teach him right from wrong. It’s just too bad the judge didn’t take all their money so they didn’t have that excuse anymore.

A Texas teenager who killed four people in a DUI crash avoided jail time when his lawyer pleaded “affluenza”, where his wealthy parents were too busy making money to teach him right from wrong. Now the kid knows that if you have enough money, you’re always right.

Dick Cheney says he has been wearing a cowboy hat lately to protect him from skin cancer which he is more susceptible to with his heart transplant medication. It also works as a warning. If his hunting companions can see it, he is close enough to shoot them in the face.

REO Speedwagon is the latest musical group to cancel a performance at Sea World because of the documentary “Blackfish.” No one was more disappointed than the trained seals who were all set to back them up as their horn section.

Mark Wahlberg admits to having a feud with Leonardo DiCaprio. To which DiCaprio says he will have a comment about it just as soon as he finds out who Mark Wahlberg is.

Ed Helms is set to star in a remake of “The Naked Gun.” Apparently there is a lot of confusion about the original film with people thinking it is a comedy because of Leslie Nielsen but also think it’s a murder mystery because of O.J. Simpson.

Khloe Kardashian has reportedly filed for divorce from Lamar Odom after four years of marriage. Even though the marriage seems like it was short, at least she can say it was 20 times longer than the 72 days her sister Kim was wed to Kris Humphries.

Matthew Perry is set to star in a new version of “The Odd Couple” for CBS. Before that, when anyone at CBS referred to “the odd couple” they were referring to CEO Les Moonves and his much younger wife Julie Chen.

Navy beat Army for the 12th straight time. What’s worse is the Army losing streak doesn’t even include Afghanistan, Iraq, Vietnam or Korea.

Alex Rodriguez says he is confident he will play next season. Which is very confident considering he only managed to show up in 44 games all last season before he even got suspended.

A worker reportedly was killed in a fall at the World Cup stadium being built in Brazil. Apparently he would have been alright but when he started to fall he couldn’t catch his balance as he refused to use his hands.

The new Twitter “Nearby” app let’s people know who is tweeting near them. Which is important to know, especially when the person who is sending out tweets is driving the car next to you and is about to veer into your lane.

Ford has unveiled a prototype Fusion Hybrid self driving car. It allows someone to be driven around so they can hide underneath the dash and not let anyone know they own a Fusion Hybrid.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only nine shopping days left until Christmas. Then another 30 days after that when the malls will be full of people returning all the useless crap they were given by their family for Christmas. I can guarantee I will never go to the return line when you send the love!

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