Friday, December 13, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Netflix received more Golden Globe nominations for original shows that ABC, NBC and CBS combined. What’s even worse news for the networks is they also got fewer nominations than the Youtube cat playing the piano.

Experts on the War in Afghanistan were reportedly stumped at a congressional hearing when asked about the war’s cost and death toll. Apparently they are still working on coming up with a reason we invaded the country in the first place.

Apple says the death of a 15 year old who died in a supplier’s factory in China was not work related. The official explanation is that compared to the age of other Chinese factory workers, the cause of death was old age.

China is requiring its commercial pilots to learn how to take off and land in dense smog to combat flight delays. The only hard part is when the smog is so bad the pilots can’t find the airport when they are driving their cars to work.

China is requiring its commercial pilots to learn how to take off and land in dense smog to combat flight delays. It’s not that difficult. Just ask the pilots at LAX who do it all the time and only occasionally mistake the 405 Freeway for a runway.

The federal government is considering allowing cellphones to be used on planes, just not for making any calls. People were shocked. You can use cellphones to make calls?

The sign language interpreter at the memorial services for Nelson Mandela says he is a schizophrenic who was hallucinating while he was signing. Which explains why all the deaf people at the services started swatting at the imaginary bugs they were told were crawling on them.

An earthquake expert says that a major quake in southern California could be so devastating that people should imagine America without Los Angeles. It’s not that hard. The NFL has been doing it since 1994.

Seattle area veterinarians are offering medicinal marijuana for pets. It could make your pet just lay around doing nothing all day except for occasionally eating, Otherwise known as being a cat owner.

Canada is planning to spend a half million dollars on a project to offer seal meat in stores. The only problem is finding a recipe online which doesn’t include balancing a ball on your nose while cooking it.

Canada is planning to spend a half million dollars on a project to offer seal meat in stores. The worst part is realizing that in order to be trying to be a good housekeeper you are actually frying up the Good Housekeeping seal.

Federal bus safety regulators have shut down 52 bus companies they have determined to be unsafe. People were shocked. Bus companies are regulated?

Federal bus safety regulators have shut down 52 bus companies they have determined to be unsafe. The lesson here is that the only way to run an unsafe transportation company is to make sure the vehicles have wings on them.

Home foreclosures are at an 8 year low. Mostly because no one who bought a house with a subprime mortgage over the past 8 years still has their house.

Documents say that Queen Elizabeth ordered palace guards to “keep their sticky fingers” out of her treats. However, there is some doubt as to whether the documents are authentic since the order didn’t contain the traditional Royal threat of “Off with their heads!”

Wallis Simpson’s royal jewels were sold at an auction for $1 Million. Simpson married Edward VIII who abdicated the throne to be her husband. Which is different from Prince Charles who has in effect abdicated the throne because his mom won’t let him have it.

China is reportedly looking at the moon as a launch site for ballistic missiles. Mostly because the smog is so bad in China they can’t even see where to point them.

The Montana bride who was accused of pushing her husband off a cliff has pleaded guilty to second degree murder. Family members say they should have realized something was wrong when she registered the wedding at Smith & Wesson.

The Montana bride who was accused of pushing her husband off a cliff has pleaded guilty to second degree murder. The minister who married them says he should have suspected something when she replaced their wedding vows with the last rites.

Pope Francis I attacked mega salaries and big bonuses in his peace message. Which Wall Street executives wrote off as just another Pope with a “The Jews control all the banks” complex.

Pope Francis I attacked mega salaries and big bonuses in his peace message. Which is Pope speak for “How about you rich guys putting a little more in the collection plate?”

Midway and O’Hare airports in Chicago are rated among the worst for on time departures. The people of Chicago don’t mind. If thy can wait 106 years for the Cubs to win another World Series, what’s three more hours on the tarmac?

A teacher for a private tutoring company that caters to wealthy families makes $1,250 an hour. If the parents are paying that much for a math teacher, it’s not the children in the family who need help with their arithmetic.

A National Highway Traffic Safety Administration poll says that a quarter of all motorists like to drive faster than the speed limit. The other three quarters live in New York, L.A. and Washington, D.C. and have yet to experience going faster than 15 mph.

A National Highway Traffic Safety Administration poll says that a quarter of all motorists like to drive faster than the speed limit. Apparently you are going too fast when it takes you longer to stop your car than say “National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.”

A report says that Apple supplier Foxconn is still not complying with China’s labor laws. People were shocked at the news. When did China pass any labor laws?

 A report says that Apple supplier Foxconn is still not complying with China’s labor laws. Apparently workers are being punished for trying to install “Call for help!” apps on their iPhones.

A survey says that a majority of Americans have positive views on electric vehicles. Mostly so they can feel better about themselves when they pass a geek driving one doing 25 mph on the freeway.

A survey says that a majority of Americans have positive views on electric vehicles. About a quarter are negative and the rest are alternating current.

Researchers at the Federal Reserve say that replacing One Dollar bills with coins is not a good idea. Apparently the researchers found the coins are much too cold to put down the G-strings of strippers and can completely ruin a good lap dance.

Ford says it plans to hire 11,000 workers and will have 23 new cars for 2014. Auto industry experts say that Ford’s economic problems may stem from the fact that they need 11,000 people to build just 23 cars.

Merrill Lynch has been fined $131 Million for misleading investors in 2006. Merrill Lynch’s defense is that they stopped misleading them in 2008. Right after they all went broke in the stock market crash because of Merrill Lynch’s advice.

An English woman nearly went blind from overdosing while she was sleepwalking. The only good news is that any one of those problems will eventually eliminate the other two.

The CDC says that flu vaccinations kept 80,000 people out of the hospital last year. The only thing keeping more people out of hospitals is their health insurance plan.

A study says that James Bond is at risk for early death from drinking too much alcohol. The news reportedly left 007 shaken but not stirred.

A study says that James Bond is at risk for early death from drinking too much alcohol. Apparently his conversation with his physician went like this: Bond: Can I keep drinking?
Doctor: No.

Kate Winslet and her husband Ned Rocknroll have had their second child. The child’s name has not been announced but there is a good chance they will be the first celebrity couple who have a more ridiculous name than the one they gave their kids.

Kim Kardashian is defending giving a small fraction of the profits from an online auction to charity saying 10% is enough. It’s nice to see she lives by her own rules. For instance, she gives 10% into her acting, her marriages and how much of her body is covered by her clothes.

Former “The Price Is Right” host Bob Barker has turned 90 years old. He says at his age he just wishes he could even feel it if he were neutered.

Records show that Jane Fonda’s charity hasn’t made a donation in the past five years. Her excuse is that she was married to Ted Turner for ten years. How much more charity work than that can she be expected to do?

“Saturday Night Live” is holding auditions for Black women cast members. The good news is that apparently there were all kinds of network employment forms for Black cast members left over from the production of “Friends.”

Lance Armstrong is being forced to fly commercial after having to give up his private jet to fight all the lawsuits over his admission to doping. Although no one will really be satisfied until they see him going from courtroom to courtroom having to ride his bike.

Infielder Robinson Cano says he didn’t sign a 7 year, $175 Million contract with the Yankees because he didn’t feel respect. Which shows that when you offer someone $25 Million a year, make sure to always say “Please” and “Thank you.”

Infielder Robinson Cano says he didn’t sign a 7 year, $175 Million contract with the Yankees because he didn’t feel respect. What did they do, make him come into contract negotiations through the back door?

Tiger Woods’ half-brother was arrested for making a bomb threat. It turns out that one of his half-brother’s bomb threats was actually the real reason he was speeding away from his house and crashed his SUV that Thanksgiving night.

U.S. cars and trucks saw record gas mileage in 2012. Mostly because with gas prices up around $4 a gallon, people were spending half their time pushing their cars to the next gas station or hitching a ride with someone else.

A study says that 61% of web traffic is run by bots. In fact, it’s pretty much been that way ever since bots were designed to digitize pictures of naked women.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only 11 shopping days left until Christmas. And only 10 days left to find where you parked your car in the mall. But you still have plenty of time to remember to make sure to send the love!

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