Thursday, December 12, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Paul Ryan-Patty Murray budget bill will hike the fees for airport security by 124%. The worst part is that airline passengers will have to endure being searched over 124% more of their body cavities than before.

Pope Francis I has been chosen as Person of the Year by Time Magazine. He beat out Miley Cyrus which means he deserved the award by proving there is a God.

Pope Francis I has been chosen as Person of the Year by Time Magazine. The runner up was Edward Snowden, who was prepared for the disappointment since he had already leaked the information three days before.

A poll says that 4 in 10 Americans would rather pay a fine than buy health insurance through Obamacare. The other 6 know that buying health insurance is pretty much like a fine because it costs money to have payments on all your medical bills be denied.

Harvard students have voted to ban bottled water from being sold on campus. Apparently it goes against the Harvard tradition of only drinking martinis.

The sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela’s funeral services is being called a fake. Apparently someone who knows sign language caught on that he kept repeatedly signing “You can save up to 15% with GEICO.”

The federal government is spending $224,000 to study how to get kids to start ordering more healthy food. The first suggestion is to go to restaurants where you actually have to get out of your car and walk inside to get some food.

The federal government is spending $224,000 to study how to get kids to start ordering more healthy food. The first suggestion is to go to restaurants that don’t start with “Mc.”

A cafe in France is starting to charge extra to customers who are rude. Which is about the same as a cafe in Florida charging extra to people who are old.

A cafe in France is starting to charge extra to customers who are rude. Which in France means they just raised all their prices.

Former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown may be running for Senator from New Hampshire where he has a vacation home. Which makes sense to represent a state where you vacation since Congress is only in session less than half the year anyway.

The NSA director is defending their surveillance program as being necessary. Do people think spies like listening in on conversations people are having while in a restaurant or at the movie theater?

A truck carrying $120,000 in Hershey bars was stolen in Florida. Obviously the truck’s driver wasn’t a woman or the thieves wouldn’t have gotten within 20 feet of the cargo without at least losing a limb.

A report says Detroit’s water supply is being wasted by ravaged pipes in old buildings. Which means that thousands of buildings and homes in the city that were already underwater are now really underwater.

UNICEF says that birth registry problems mean that 230 Million children around the world don’t officially exist. Which is a nightmare for the Tea Party who are worried that all of them may end up running for U.S. President some day.

A study says that psychiatrists are less likely than other doctors to accept health insurance. What, do you think they’re crazy?

A study says that younger women are less likely to aspire to become corporate executives. Mostly because they know while they are younger they have a much better chance of just dating someone who is already there.

A report says that smog in China is visible from space. Which is ironic since it can’t be actually seen in China with all the pollution in the way.

A poll says that people who fly are strongly against allowing cellphone calls on planes. Which is interesting since being on a plane is the one time you usually want to be distracted from the movie that is being shown.

Canada says that to save money it will start phasing out home postal delivery in urban centers in the next five years. As opposed to the U.S. Postal Service which is just trying to get anything mailed today delivered some time in the next five years.

Microsoft is reportedly considering giving away a mobile version of Windows. Which could be a good thing in that people trying to figure out how to make it work won’t be able to text while driving or make calls in movie theaters.

American Airlines has been fined for misleading customers about fare prices. Apparently the airline told people that by buying a ticket would get you to the right destination on time along with your luggage.

The nation’s largest air carriers are raising their fares just in time for the peak holiday season. The hike is being blamed on fuel prices, more travelers and the fact that airlines are running out of ideas of how to come up with any new in flight fees.

Southwest Airlines is abandoning some of the smaller markets they traditionally serve. Apparently the airline says it can’t afford to fly out of places that don’t generate enough business where their planes actually have space between some of the passengers.

A study says that class action lawyers make millions of dollars in settlements while their clients get 12% or less of the money awarded in judgments. Not only that, the clients get stick with having to tip the bailiff.

A study says that class action lawyers make millions of dollars in settlements while their clients get 12% or less of the money awarded in judgments. The clients would sue for legal malpractice except all the money they won would go to all the other lawyers.

A study says that driving while hung over is just as dangerous as driving while drunk. Which gives people just another reason to stay drunk all the time.

A study says that driving while hung over is just as dangerous as driving while drunk. Which is a great defense for drunk drivers who can say it wouldn’t have been any better if they waited to sober up before driving.

A report says that exercise may be as effective as prescription drugs for treating the leading causes of death. Mostly because the leading cause of death is from never exercising.

A study says that dangerous bacteria can lurk inside people’s noses. Which researchers say is nothing to sneeze at.

A study says that dangerous bacteria can lurk inside people’s noses. The worst part is the bacteria comes from the fingers of the people who keep picking their nose.

A study says the brain changes and has memory problems even after minor head bumps. Which turns out why all those people in the commercials smack themselves in the head and forget they could have had a V-8.

The FDA is looking to phase out antibiotics used in animals raised for meat. Which is unfortunate for people with no health insurance since that was the only way they could afford to ever get any prescription drugs.

Researchers say that music may not make people any smarter. Apparently the study was based on observing Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears.

A study says that obesity may be bad for people’s hearing. Which is good for the overweight people who won’t have to hear people making fat jokes about them.

A study says that obesity may be bad for people’s hearing. Which finally explains why kids need to play their music so loudly.

A study says that obesity may be bad for people’s hearing. Most Americans were shocked, saying “What?”

The FAA has grounded Angelina Jolie’s personal plane because of registration issues. Which is bad news for the hundreds of kids in foreign countries who will just have to wait a little longer before she can come and fly them home after adopting them.

Rachel Ray’s aunt has died after being locked outside her home in bitter cold. Even Rachel Ray couldn’t save her after putting her in the oven for two hours at 375 degrees.

Experts say that Kim Kardashian’s picture on the cover of US Weekly was airbrushed to make her look thinner. The magazine admits if anything was airbrushed, it would just be so they could get Kanye West out of the shot.

Experts say that Kim Kardashian’s picture on the cover of US Weekly was airbrushed to make her look thinner. The question is, what kind of experts spend their time looking at magazine cover photos?

Donny Osmond says he relates to Justin Bieber’s desire to rebel. In fact, when Osmond was Bieber’s age one time he almost refused to make his bed.

Donny Osmond says he relates to Justin Bieber’s desire to rebel. Even now, Osmond says he sometimes insists on getting the Early Bird menu when he shows up for dinner after 4:30.

Psy has the most viewed Youtube video for the second straight year with “Gentleman.” He barely beat out the next two top finishers, a cat playing the piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

The Mets have signed 40 year old pitcher Bartolo Colon to a two year contract for $20 Million. The only problem is that he will be making enough money now that he won’t be able to get his Social Security checks until 2016.

The Mets have signed 40 year old pitcher Bartolo Colon to a two year contract for $20 Million. Which means any day Jamie Moyer may start thinking about pulling a Brett Favre.

Major League baseball will ban home plate collisions as early as next year. League officials are worried about the possibility of Prince Fielder running over someone and instead of calling safe or out, the umpire would have to go right into giving the catcher their last rites.

Alabama kicker Cade Foster, who missed three field goals in the Iron Bowl got a note from President George W. Bush. Apparently the letter said “Heckuva job, Fostee!”

Greg Norman says he could have beaten Tiger Woods in his prime. Which would have made for an interesting 4th round between one golfer who couldn’t hold a lead and the other who couldn’t come from behind.

Dwight Howard reportedly ate 24 candy bars worth of sugar a day while he was with the Lakers. It turns out he was so bad at the free throw line because it’s hard to shoot when your fingers are always covered in chocolate.

Twitter has been rated as the best tech company to work for. Mostly because conversations with co-workers and meetings never go longer than 140 characters.

A video game player from South Korea has officially been recognized as an athlete in the U.S. Apparently he qualified for athlete status because he is one of the few gamers who can actually go from the couch to turn on the game and back under his own power.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only twelve more shopping days until Christmas. Which also means twelve more days until the people who are currently stuck in mall traffic can finally get back home. That also means just twelve more days to figure out exactly how you are going to send the love!


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