Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A Dutch company says that 200,000 people have signed up for an expedition to be the first people to live on Mars. Apparently most of them signed up when they were assured they would be out of range of TV signals carrying any episodes of “The Kardsashians.”

Canada is reportedly planning to claim the North Pole. It’s just a good thing that George W. Bush isn’t President or we would be going to war to protect the freedom of Santa Claus.

Researchers are using popular music to help people with severe brain injuries recall memories. The bad part is that most the people remember the best part about being brain injured is not having to listen to Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus or Britney Spears any more.

A lawsuit alleges that police in New York killed a pet parakeet during an illegal raid. That’s what happens when you teach your bird to only say “Draw!”

Greenpeace has made a video where Santa warns that Christmas may be canceled because of global warming. Not only that, but the warmer conditions have made him drop everyone who wished for some Snuggies.

Greenpeace has made a video where Santa warns that Christmas may be canceled because of global warming. What’s worse is that the people who will get a lump of coal in their stocking won’t even be able to use it to at least warm up the house a bit.

Greenpeace has made a video where Santa warns that Christmas may be canceled because of global warming. Who wants to have to wash down all those cookies with a glass of milk that has gotten rancid from not staying cold enough?

A six year old boy in Colorado has been suspended from school for sexual harassment for kissing a girl on the cheek. Apparently he was too young to realize it was supposed to be a cheek on her face.

A six year old boy in Colorado has been suspended from school for sexual harassment for kissing a girl on the cheek. Not only that, he has also had to go through testing to see if he is carrying cooties.

The Post Office in Los Angeles says for the first time in more than a century they won’t be able to answer children’s letters to Santa. Imagine how sad they will be when they don’t get a response to their request for a nose job, Ferrari and new rich step dad.

TV shows from western countries are popular for viewing by North Koreans even though it could get them put to death. Although after watching a few episodes of “The Kardashians”, North Koreans say they would rather have the death penalty.

A TSA agent in St. Louis confiscated a toy gun that was part of the costume of a sock monkey. Although it still wasn’t as bad as reading the Miranda Rights to a Chatty Cathy.

A newspaper in China says that smog is a military asset in that it can provide camouflage during attacks. Which explains why Los Angeles has never been attacked by another country even once.

The coldest temperature ever of -135.8 degrees has been recorded in Antarctica. It was so cold that locals are calling the new Disney movie “Frozen” propaganda for global warming.

A bird strike reportedly caused an $8 Million Air Force jet to crash in Texas. Military experts were shocked. The Air Force bought something for less than $100 Million?

A study says that teenagers with a better knowledge of their family history have a higher level of social-emotional health. The only hard part is keeping up track of all their step moms, step dads along with their step brothers and half-sisters.

The NFL is cutting back on tailgating at the Super Bowl, saying each vehicle can use only one parking space. Isn’t that supposed to be the rule in just about any parking lot?

The NFL is cutting back on tailgating at the Super Bowl, saying each vehicle can use only one parking space. If people are so drunk before they arrive that they can’t get their car into one space, who needs to tailgate anyway?

A BofA Merrill Lynch executive says there will be a 20% market correction next year. Which will more than likely be caused by illegal trading practices of banks like BoA Merrill Lynch.

A BofA Merrill Lynch executive says there will be a 20% market correction next year. Apparently the big banks have learned that from now on they should only make the markets crash a little bit at a time.

Federal workers are outraged that they may have to pay more into their pension plans to offset budget cuts. Most say they are just waiting until they can retire from doing nothing all day.

A children’s advocacy group wants Fisher Price to recall a baby seat that comes with an attachment for an iPad. The unfortunate part is that they can’t recall the parents who actually want to buy one for their newborn.

U.S. job openings are at a five year high. The only problem is that we have kicked out all the undocumented aliens who will actually work for the pay the jobs are offering.

U.S. job openings are at a five year high. The bad part is that all the jobs are for work in food kitchens, homeless shelters and unemployment offices.

Outgoing GM CEO Dan Akerson is being credited with improving productivity and profits. All it took was strong leadership, innovation and a $50 Billion government bailout.

A congressional subcommittee is debating both side of online gambling. It’s almost a sure thing. Who better to be in favor of online gaming than the people who lost $16 Trillion while gambling away the economic future of the next several generations?

J.P. Morgan Chase has applied for a patent for a digital currency system that can make anonymous transactions. Didn’t that used to be called “cash”?

Groupon CEO Eric Lefkofsky and his wife have pledged to give half their wealth to charity. They were going to give it all away, but found a coupon online that gave them a 50% discount.

Amazon has won approval for bubble shaped offices to be built in Seattle. It will be the biggest bubble associated with a dot com business since Pets.com went under.

Missouri’s governor has signed a $1.7 Billion tax incentive for Boeing to attract the plane builder to the state. So now the airlines are expecting us to pay additional fees to have their planes built before they can charge us more fees to fly on them.

Users say that the health care exchange website is vastly improved. Which is about that same as saying that the Cubs have a pretty good new utility infielder.

Users say that the health care exchange website is vastly improved. Mostly because when there is too much traffic it now just kicks them over to craigslist to buy their health insurance policies.

A study says that too much estrogen is not responsible for women’s moodiness. In fact, most the time women are in a bad mood it is because there is too much testosterone around.

A study says that fathers’ diets may influence their children’s long term health. Apparently the study took place after it was discovered there were kids who are born already addicted to pizza, McDonald’s and Cheetos.

A study says that states with the strongest alcohol policies have the lowest binge drinking rates. Obviously the study took place in the states that have the fewest number of colleges and universities with football programs.

A study says that most Americans don’t deal with end of life issues. Other than doing everything in their lifestyle to guarantee it comes along earlier than it was meant to.

Dr. Phil is involved with a startup website that lets people have a checkup with a doctor online for $40. Apparently the doctor will prescribe going on a diet if the patient they are seeing can’t get their entire body inside the vision field of their computer’s webcam.

Dr. Phil is involved with a startup website that lets people have a checkup with a doctor online for $40. The first thing the doctors tell their patients is to quit watching Dr. Phil so much and get out and do some exercise.

Researchers say that products that help people stop smoking don’t harm the heart. At least not any more than if the people keep smoking.

“Teen Mom 3” has been canceled by MTV after one season. People long for the days when MTV showed music videos, but most of those just demonstrated what to do to end up being a teen mom.

Ben Affleck says it’s hard for him to watch Republican actors. Not because of their politics, but because of the crummy movies that keep getting put out with Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Ben Affleck says it’s hard for him to watch Republican actors. Although he does admit California is a lot better off with Arnold Schwarzenegger bankrupting the movie studios instead of the entire state.

Britney Spears says she wants a little girl “Mini Me” so she won’t feel as alone. If she doesn’t want to be alone, she should quit humming any of the songs off her latest album.

Justin Bieber’s mom says his first word was “money.” She remembers it like it was just last year. Mostly because it was.

Kanye West says he creates like a three year old. And anyone who has ever changed a three year old’s diaper knows just what they are good at creating.

Ben Affleck says paparazzi scare his children. Although not as much as when they find out their dad was in “Gigli.”

Demi Lovato says at one time she couldn’t go an hour without using cocaine. How bad is it when she makes Miley Cyrus the Disney alumni poster child for having a wholesome image?

Kim Kardashian tweeted a picture that compared herself to Liz Taylor. There are comparisons. As soon as she marries and dumps Kanye West, she will need just five more husbands to catch up to Taylor’s record.

Computer tablets remain the top gift on Americans’ shopping lists. Apparently parents want something around to occupy their kids’ spare time between playing video games on the console and watching TV.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only 13 shopping days left until Christmas. And if you are lucky, just six months and 13 days until most the bills from Christmas are paid off. But you can always pay ahead of time when it comes to sending the love!

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